I really want to have the balls to post this without anon, but I just can't bring myself to it. Generally I'm quite sure of myself...but lately I just feel slightly lost. I'll try not to make this post massively long because I know how much effort that would be to read
I feel like I'm going round the twist. I'm 18 and in my 1st year of Uni and I absoutely no idea what to do about anything anymore. It all started when I went to Uni. At first it was best thing that had ever happened to me, it was really truely excited, for once I felt like I really belonged and I was going to have the best time of my life...but bit by bit the illusion faded, or maybe I just ****ed everything up, which I seem really good at lately.
Well, I was in a really happy relationship towards the beginning of the year, I liked him, he liked me; and honestly it just felt right. But soon I started to worry that things were going
too well. Ridiculous I know but I've never had a successful relationship before and well I just thought eventually something would go wrong...also if I'm honest committment scared me massively and things were starting to get a bit too serious. So I dumped him: despite (which I massively denied until now) being madly in love with him.
Since then I've kissed a lot of guys while off my face, like one every night. This is pretty standard behaviour I know, but it's just not me...suddenly I just feel really cheap and not sure why I get with randomers either; it just makes me feel numb really. I get drunk 1-3 times a week, I feel like I actually need to get completely smashed now to have a good time. I also smoke a fair bit which I didn't used to do. I know most people will think this is all pretty standard stuff at uni but honestly I feel like I'm losing who I am. I've been pretty crappy to people in the pursuit of 'fun' and 'a good time' and I really haven't given a monkeys about what uni was about for me all along; getting an education (done the bare minimum mostly).
Also the stuff I'm doing is slowly cranking up in intensity, I came pretty close to losing my virginity to a guy who I have realised now only wanted me for sex despite being completely in love with someone else. I feel like...for want of a better word...a slut. And a flake. I've turned into someone I never thought I'd be. And I really don't like it. I don't know if I'm overreacting here or not. I know why I'm suddenly into this party hard/ crazy pulling stuff now; because I want the 'full uni experience' I just don't want to turn into something I'm not get it.
Does anyone else here feel like they do stuff at uni they would never normally consider back at home? Has uni changed you? I don't know what I'm really expecting here but I just feel like a right tool snogging a random guy everynight and getting wasted all the time...It's fun but It just seems a bit pathetic. (This isn't my whole life btw I do some constructive stuff while at uni e.g. societies, and occasionally even work!
)
I guess I'm bringing this up now because lately I've been getting a lot of judgement from friends who don't go out as much who have been suggesting I'm a 'slut' for kissing random guys while drunk and going out loads. Not sure I want people who are so judgemental as friends...but then I thought they might actually be trying to look at for me
I just want an outsiders opinion really.
Short Version: I get wasted and pull a lot of random guys while out at uni who only want me for sex, in the long term I want more than that (I've never had sex with any of them). I smoke now too, which I didn't do before all in the name of 'bants' and 'having a good time'. I like having fun but it makes me feel like a slut/someone I'm not. I'm not really into partying when back at home but I just see its a 'part of the uni experience'. I feel like uni has changed me and made me slightly less moral. Anyone feel the same? Am I going too far just to have a good time?