Boyfriend never wants to have sex, tried talking. Doesn't work.

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Maybe he is genuinely too tired, especially if he has been working more/had a lot on his plate with uni. When he goes to bed it's probably because he feels ready to go to sleep and just wants to wind down, so maybe try to initiate sex earlier in the evening or at different times of the day when he is still full of energy.
However the best solution is for you to talk about it with him, not in the bedroom, not when you are trying to initiate sex, but in a non threatening environment such as when you are just chilling on the sofa, going for a walk etc. Don't confront him or say anything in an accusatory manor, just say something along the lines of 'I've noticed we've been having sex less often recently, and that you've been feeling tired a lot, can you tell me if there's something wrong?'
Then see where you can go from there and if it's something you can help/support him with and you are willing to be patient then I'm sure you can get things back to the way the were, or if it just seems as if you are no longer sexually compatible then consider ending the relationship. Just remember though, if he's someone you see yourself being with long term, a lot of couples will go through a dry spell at some point down the line, is it worth throwing away a relationship just because you aren't having much sex for the space of a few months? I know being with someone you are sexually compatible with is very important in having a happy relationship, but it probably is just a phase of low sex drive that he's going through and things will be back to the usual between you soon enough.

Reply 61

Louise1787

Original post by Anonymous

For the first 6 months if our relationship we would have sex 2-3 times a week.
I do stay over less now which probably has an effect on it. But it's not like every time I'm here I'm asking for sex - but just sometimes it would be nice. To think he wanted to have sex with me. I've made so much effort by buying new underwear, trying to look nice etc. But he doesn't even notice, I love him but I'm so fed up of this situation..

Talk to him about it, but DON'T put pressure on him. A friend of mine went through a rough patch with her boyfriend where he never wanted to have sex with her, having previously been all over her. He just kept saying that he just had a low sex drive, and got angry when she tried to question him. Eventually it transpired that he was stressed about their relationship and the pressure she was putting on him, so he didn't really want to have sex, so she put more pressure on him and the whole cycle just got worse and worse. However, eventually they sorted it out and all was well (until they broke up a couple of years later due to other reasons!). My friend basically realised when her boyfriend exploded one day and told her that she was stressing him out, then backed right off and gave him space. In my view, that's the only way. Give him space. But do tell him what the issue is, make it clear that it isn't that you aren't having sex, it's that he doesn't notice the effort you are making and that you feel unappreciated.

It's true what others have been saying that no-one has to have sex with anyone they don't want to, but in a committed relationship each person should be being honest with the other. It seems to me that communication is the real issue here.

Reply 62

Londonburger

Young men never get tired when they have chance to have a great sex with a nice lady... Your boyfriend is suspicious... There must be something behind it...

Reply 63

Anonymous #1

Original post by Shockolate

I know he's a bit stressed with work, but that's only recent and this sex thing has probably been since the new year started. I have tried initiating it earlier in the evening, we do other things like lay on his bed and kiss etc (makes me sound about 15, I'm not I'm 21 lol) but then he always says 'come on let's go through and watch some telly'.

I've tried talking about it to him but he just doesn't seem to think it's a problem. Yesterday morning he said 'sorry about last night I was just so tired' which is fair enough maybe I did over react by being upset on Saturday night, but it's not a one-off it's all the time.

I'm not sex mad at all but I wish it could be how it was at the beginning of the relationship when he actually wanted to have sex with me and it was exciting etc. It seems like he thinks it's just a chore or something or that it's not necessary - unless he's had a drink then he is all over me. I don't think it's a confidence/body issue either because he will happily strip naked in front of me when he's going to bed/shower. And I've only put a few lb on and he says I look fine, in fact on saturday he was saying how nice I looked because I'd bought new clothes/make-up etc because I wanted to make an effort.

Thankyou for your advice, but I don't know whether to bring it up again or whether to see what happens next time I see him/stay over. But tbh it's making me want to see him less because I always feel myself getting angry and frustrated over it when I'm with him!

Reply 64

silverbolt

Original post by effofex

It is his right to refuse to have sex as and when he likes for whatever reason he pleases. It is his body and you cannot pressurize him into having sex just because you want to.

Probably your sex drives are incompatible with each other. If you wish, you may be able to see a General Practitioner to ask for libido suppressants for yourself.

why not get libido uppers for him? Why should she be the one to suffer in a relationship when shes the one that has the issue and hes perfectly alright carrying on - and refuses to do anything about it? I agree that no one should be forced to have sex but in an adult relationship physical intimacy is very important and not just to get your rocks off.

Reply 65

Hal.E.Lujah

Original post by Anonymous

I only stay over once a week, so it's not asking a lot.. Seriously fed up and don't know if I can go on like this. Help please.

Disgusting replies on the first page. As if low libido means he's cheating on you! Acting suspicious and dodgy will make the problem worse, leaving no chance of fixing it. If everyone listened to TSR for relationship advice, the entire forum would be single because they say 'End it' as an autoresponse.

Original post by Albino

but if the tables were turned and you didnt wanna have sex that would be fine cos you're a female

Not having sex for nearly a month is a problem however, and whilst I'm sure a resentful feminazi will rage at me for saying it I would be unhappy in a relationship like that with a woman.

You need to talk to him about it, but make sure it's as relaxed as possible. Try to find out what caused the change, but not directly as he'll be embarrassed. As someone suggested, ask about watching porn together. Try to get on the same side about this rather than being against eachother.

It's worth mentioning though that it will never go back to how things were. The honeymoon period varies, but if his libido has gone down it probably won't get back to his former level unless you spend alot of time apart.

Reply 66

username23423

Original post by effofex

Why has this been negged so much?!

I'm positive if it was a girl refusing sex, TSR would be crying about how it's her choice, her body, her right, etc etc.

You're spot on in my opinion.

Reply 67

un-jardin-sur-le-nil

sounds gay or asexual to me

Reply 68

Anonymous #3

It took my boyfriend a very long time to be completely comfortable with me during sex. He always had performance anxiety and had trouble keeping erections during sex. It's only gotten better after a year! I was patient though and it was worth it...

Not saying that there can't be any other potential factors for affecting it...

Reply 69

Jaegon Targaryen

Original post by effofex

Why is this guy getting negged ? If it was the other way round people would be telling the guy to "jerk off " , or find other ways of sating your libido and to leave the girl alone as it is her right ....

Reply 70

Jaegon Targaryen

All the generalisations occuring in this thread about how men are supposed to be sex hungry beasts , and "shouldnt want to have sex often , calling him gay m assexual etc just reflect the casual misandry of society ...

(edited 11 years ago)

Reply 71

Rascacielos

Original post by Ibeatu

It seems that he does like sex and does want it, as he loses his reasons not to when he's drunk. I also agree with he may be sleeping with someone else.
He could also be really self-conscious, and is terrified of the thought of anyone seeing him naked, but when he's drunk it doesn't matter?

Yes, of course, you could keep making up excuses for him...

No one on TSR can tell you why your boyfriend doesn't want to have sex with you. Your relationship is between the two of you and it's the two of you who need to sort it out (or not sort it out, as the case may be). Sex is an important part of a relationship and if you're not sexually compatible, that's a big problem. Alternatively, he could be cheating or there could be a number of other reasons. You need to confront him about it - if he's not forthcoming, then I personally would finish it (or at least threaten to if he doesn't tell you what the problem is), but of course that's up to you.

Reply 72

Rascacielos

Original post by Jaegon Targaryen

Because nobody on this thread is trying to suggest that she should force her boyfriend to have sex with her (as effofex implied), only that if that's not happening naturally, then clearly there's a problem.

Reply 73

Jabberwox

Sex isn't the be and end all in relationships, you know. At least you have lovely evenings together.

I know it must be frustrating though and sex is still a healthy part of a relationship, so things may go downhill for you as a couple if this persists. However, I don't think the problem lies with you, I think there may be something wrong with him. Something playing on his mind, perhaps. Or maybe he's nervous/shy about initiating sex? Some people just don't find sex a massive deal, I think I'd rather that than someone who was forcing themselves upon me every night.

Anyway I really think you should try talking to him and confront him why he won't. If he says he's ''tired'', say to him that you know it's not the real reason and firmly tell him that you want to get to the bottom of it, otherwise it could jeopardise your relationship. Don't threaten to dump him, obviously, but I think you should assert that your relationship is at stake if this persists and he doesn't share his reasons with you.

Reply 74

Yidette

Original post by Anonymous

Ok, just to clarify - when someone posts that the boyfriend has the right to refuse sex, they get negged hugely, the general consensus being that he SHOULD want to sleep with her, making his actions unacceptable.

If the genders were reversed in this situation and someone suggested that it were the girlfriend's obligation to sleep with the boy, would that not be met with uproar at how awful that sentiment was?

Yes it would be. Uproar, mayhem and the slaughtering of a hound. But not by me.

The 'obligation' is born of the assumption that one would WANT to have sex with their partner. 'Wants to' quickly evolves into 'is supposed to', which then becomes 'should/is obliged to'.

So basically, for all you numb nuts who are like 'stop fffffforcing him, he has pheeeeeelings, what about his pheeeeelings, get over yourself, waaaaaaa' - well done, you've royally missed the point. The point which you have so royally missed is this: she doesn't want to FORCE him, she wants him to WANT to have sex. And that is a TOTALLY reasonable desire, whether she's a she or a he or a what or a not.

HELLO! Sexual desire is what fuels a fulfilling relationship just as food fuels our bodies!

What next? If I'm anorexic and my family simply want me to enjoy food, do they need to 'get over themselves' and consider my pheeeeelings because it's not all about food, you know? There's so much more to health; there's oxygen and warmth and shelter and exercise and hydration. Anyone who thinks food is an essential component of health is OBVIOUSLY a terrible, 2-dimensional, insensitive person and should be shot. Obviously.

OP your needs are legitimate. You want a good seeing-to, good for you. Your boyfriend isn't inherently WRONG for denying you, and nor are you 'forcing' him to have sex or trying to - you merely want him to want the same things as you. Sex is pretty fundamental for most people. NO, crazy folk, it's not the ONLY thing - but it is an essential component.

All you can do is communicate and explain how dejected this is making you feel (without making him TOO responsible for your feelings, after all, you are choosing to be with him, that's a choice that you are making), and explain that you need to understand so that you can move forward as a couple. There could be all sorts of reasons for this. One that crosses my mind, is, perhaps he's experiencing a health problem that makes sex painful for him (such as a urethral stricture, ouch!) and he's feeling so pressurised to 'perform like a man' that he can't bring himself to tell you.

That said, however, my more cynical self says that the chances are, he's just not that into you. And there are pa-lenty of guys who can tick this box for you, so if you try to communicate and he just isn't giving you anything to work with, then well... you might need to move on if this just isn't good enough for you (and I understand why it wouldn't be!).

Reply 75

scrotgrot

Do not instantly jump to the conclusion he's sleeping with someone else. He may just as easily have sexual hang-ups. Is this his first relationship, or his first sexual relationship?

Reply 76

someonesomewherexx

Original post by Anonymous

That's not a helpful reply, I'm not a rapist! Boyfriends are supposed to want to have sex with their girlfriends!

Unless he's secretly gay :confused:

Reply 77

Adl91

Original post by Anonymous

Unless he's drunk that's the only time he really wants it, I can count on one hand the amount of times we've done it in 2 months. He always invites me go stay over, we have a lovely evening together but by the time we go to bed he's always tired. Therefore never wants sex and its really getting me down. I've tried talking to him about it countless times but it doesn't work. If we do end up having sex it's never him who initiates it its always me, and I end up feeling like an idiot when he says no or when we do it and he clearly cba. I've just said to him, what's the point in me staying over, if you go straight to sleep every time and his reply 'I'm tired' and i said I feel rejected and he says he's not rejecting me when he clearly is. I'm lay next to him now, he's asleep and I just feel like getting dressed and going home, I'm on the verge of crying. Because I feel like he doesn't want to have sex with me - it makes me feel horrible. I only stay over once a week, so it's not asking a lot.. Seriously fed up and don't know if I can go on like this. Help please.

He maybe uncomfortable with sex full stop an feel pressured how many girls has he ever slept with do you know if ur the first you might have ti just take it slow with him or do something to really turn him in the mood or relaxed you have to find out what a guy likes u cant just expect him to have sex like that everyone is different hope this helps :smile:

Reply 78

Yawn11

Either gay, cheating or you've put on weight.

Reply 79

dgeorge

Original post by Anonymous

1. Don't tie your own self worth to the feelings of one person. It's an inaccurate way to judge your worth and really messed up. You should probably work on your own self esteem if him turning you down makes YOU feel that horrible.

2. Sit down for a serious talk. Explain to him that this is an IMPORTANT part of the relationship, and you just want to have things on an even keel. Tell him that relationships need balance, and that you certainly feel that yours is out of balance. Try to work things out and maybe give him suggestions as to what to do to make YOU feel more valued.

If he doesn't or is unwilling to listen or change, then this relationship probably isn't for you