The Student Room Group

Breaking down and not handling it well....... :'(

I've been in a long distant open relationship for nearly a year now, we see each other about once a month for a long weekend, but because of circumstances until last Friday I'd not seen him two months and only got to spend the night with him, we decided it was either make or break....to the put the story short- he left early, after texting became arguments he confessed that he doesn't find me attractive anymore and he realised he doesn't like me that much in person anymore too. In all honesty I didn't really have much to say that night and had no banter, I was tired and kept on nagging at him to switch the lights off.

He has no feelings for me now what so ever, doesn't see the point in keeping in touch and wants us to remove each others numbers and go out separate ways for good, as its for the best.
I know I'm making him sound like a monster but he said that he was just telling the truth and I need to hear it blunt to accept it and move on, he replied back to my texts telling him how upset i am etc and he explained himself, he apologised and wished me not to be upset and that he wants me to be happy but I'm not the right guy for him etc and perhaps I should get back with my ex. I took it bad and begged him to see me once more, he told me that he didn't want to but I said it was for my own sakes and for closure and he said that he'll think about it and not to text him until Friday and he'll let me know then.

I'm heartbroken. I thought he was the one. I planned to move to his city (London) in September after ive finished uni. I can't stop crying, Ive lost my appetite for food and my hair is falling out in clumps because I'm that stressed/upset. I have a 6000 word essay to do by Monday and I've done none, I just can't concentrate. The essay is worth 50% of my course too!

Until now he's been perfect, very attentive and we would text everyday, I really don't have that many friends so he ment a lot to me in that respect as well. Put it this way, if I switched my phone off for 2 weeks I'd have zero messages from anyone, he's the only person who bothers. I have a couple distant friends who only message occasionally when there's no one to go out with. I have a sister who's a year old but she's in interested in going out clubbing like i want to, she's works a lot and has a boyfriend of 5 years and just isn't interests in clubbing. She sometimes lets me go out shopping or to the cinema with her and her boyfriend, but she's always more interested in him and we can never just go out the two of us together.

I admire my ex so much, he has amazing friends and is always having fun with them, gets on great with his family and comes from a nice lifestyle, he's good looking, confidant, good at sports, straight A's in everything, graduated from uni last year and by this time next year he'll be 24 and earning around 50K in his job and rising every year! Plus he's a very happy person. He's got it all. And I just feel like a loser :frown:

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Reply 1
Talk to your tutor / student support about what's happening and how it is affecting your work.

Then you can start to rebuild yourself.
Reply 2
Original post by unprinted
Talk to your tutor / student support about what's happening and how it is affecting your work.

Then you can start to rebuild yourself.


I know but it's hard, nothing in my life is going right.
I can't stop thinking about him and crying, being dumped is one thing but never seeing him again in the hardest part.

I wanted to see him once more, meeting up in a cafe for 10 mins thats all i asked for. He said he would let me know and get back to me on Thursday but he's just messaged me now
'Right so I have come to my decision and on the basis primarily that it will achieve nothing and I really don't see a purpose for it I'm against meeting you again'
I haven't replied, I want to and I want to fight my case to meet him, do my hair and makeup nice and put on a great outfit, then if he still wants to leave it I will walk away knowing I've done my best and nothing further can be done. I have so much regret! What should I do?
Thanks for your reply by the way
Hey, sorry to hear that you've had a tough time of late. First of all, I'm glad that at least he was honest. He could have quite easily messed you around pretending as though he liked you and well, basically you get the idea. I know its hard when someone doesn't like you back, I've experienced that. Unfortunately, you can't force people to fall for you, and no matter what you do, when they're mind is made up, then its best to try to accept that and move on. I can see you realise that but are finding it hard. The best thing, like he says, is to reduce or close off contact. The more I was in touch with my ex, the worse the situation got for me. She was being really nice to me after the break up (she broke up with me because she felt that the attraction had gone) and wanted to stay friends. But I found it hard given I still had strong feelings for her. In the end, when we reduced our contact, I thought about her far less. I distracted myself with my uni work and sports.

I can relate; I can't say I have a huge number of close friends. I have plenty of friends and go out every now and then, but in terms of regular contact, its not that regular lol I have 2 close friends who I'm in touch with through text and fb fairly regularly. I've known one since 13 and the other since 15, so we're pretty close. However, they've got their lives to lead and are busy, as am I sometimes, so texting is sometimes very regular, other times far less. We can go a week of not texting and then a day of like 50-100 texts - extremes I know!

Don't worry, things will get better with time but you have to make a conscious effort. To begin with, do something you really enjoy to cheer yourself up - for me its watching a nice comedy movie in my room with the curtains drawn and the heating on, preferably under the covers! Lol stupid I know but its escapism! Then once you feel a bit better, get your uni work done and start afresh. There are plenty of people who will like you and find you attractive - so don't worry about that.

Best of luck with everything :smile:
(edited 10 years ago)
Reply 4
Original post by superduper9
Hey, sorry to hear that you've had a tough time of late. First of all, I'm glad that at least he was honest. He could have quite easily messed you around pretending as though he liked you and well, basically you get the idea. I know its hard when someone doesn't like you back, I've experienced that. Unfortunately, you can't force people to fall for you, and no matter what you do, when they're mind is made up, then its best to try to accept that and move on. I can see you realise that but are finding it hard. The best thing, like he says, is to reduce or close off contact. The more I was in touch with my ex, the worse the situation got for me. She was being really nice to me after the break up (she broke up with me because she felt that the attraction had gone) and wanted to stay friends. But I found it hard given I still had strong feelings for her. In the end, when we reduced our contact, I thought about her far less. I distracted myself with my uni work and sports.

I can relate; I can't say I have a huge number of close friends. I have plenty of friends and go out every now and then, but in terms of regular contact, its not that regular lol I have 2 close friends who I'm in touch with through text and fb fairly regularly. I've known one since 13 and the other since 15, so we're pretty close. However, they've got their lives to lead and are busy, as am I sometimes, so texting is sometimes very regular, other times far less. We can go a week of not texting and then a day of like 50-100 texts - extremes I know!

Don't worry, things will get better with time but you have to make a conscious effort. To begin with, do something you really enjoy to cheer yourself up - for me its watching a nice comedy movie in my room with the curtains drawn and the heating on, preferably under the covers! Lol stupid I know but its escapism! Then once you feel a bit better, get your uni work done and start afresh. There are plenty of people who will like you and find you attractive - so don't worry about that.

Best of luck with everything :smile:


Thank you so much for you long reply. I agree with everything you said, I that need that prospective and confirmation.
I'm absolutely heartbroken, I had so much planned for us in the future and to be cut off never to see him again is harsh, but I guess maybe he's being harsh to be nice because even if we did stay in touch I would think more of it and try to lead it in that direction. He's giving me outright brutal honestly and told me that he doesn't care about me anymore and that he will be getting with others now and should I.

What hurts the most is that I'm in love with him yet he doesn't care on any level. I'll never see him ever again... All that time we spent together all those bedtime texts and calls, now nothing.

Have a look at my other comment above in reply, he messaged me saying... Do I text back. I want to but maybe if I don't he'll realise, no one likes there texts to be ignored, not that there was anything much to reply to. Reply actually only hurts me, I sit all night with my phone tense await his reply and then getting upset and his rejection response or telling me that it for the best when I don't agree...and I just burst into tears.
Maybe it's a good idea to switch my phone off for a week?

Thanks again for your reply, it was really helpful.
Original post by Anonymous
Thank you so much for you long reply. I agree with everything you said, I that need that prospective and confirmation.
I'm absolutely heartbroken, I had so much planned for us in the future and to be cut off never to see him again is harsh, but I guess maybe he's being harsh to be nice because even if we did stay in touch I would think more of it and try to lead it in that direction. He's giving me outright brutal honestly and told me that he doesn't care about me anymore and that he will be getting with others now and should I.

What hurts the most is that I'm in love with him yet he doesn't care on any level. I'll never see him ever again... All that time we spent together all those bedtime texts and calls, now nothing.

Have a look at my other comment above in reply, he messaged me saying... Do I text back. I want to but maybe if I don't he'll realise, no one likes there texts to be ignored, not that there was anything much to reply to. Reply actually only hurts me, I sit all night with my phone tense await his reply and then getting upset and his rejection response or telling me that it for the best when I don't agree...and I just burst into tears.
Maybe it's a good idea to switch my phone off for a week?

Thanks again for your reply, it was really helpful.


Yeah I know it hurts a lot now. Be assured that things will be a lot better once you've closed off contact with him and found the ability to move on. It will feel quite harsh right now, but I guess, its better for the person to be open and clear rather than lead you on or give you false hope.

You're right, there's really not much to say. His text sounds quite conclusive and he seems to want to end things without proceeding any further. Its probably best to leave it at that. If you text back, he might not know what to say. You've given it your best shot, you really shouldn't have any regrets. See this as an opportunity to move on rather than it upsetting you further. At least now you won't have to wait for his texts and get tensed up and upset over them. You can use this to your advantage - start again, begin a new chapter. The part after the break up is always the hardest. Believe me, you'll be alright in a few weeks and back to your usual self.

I don't think its necessary to switch your phone off though. Try to relax and find something to distract yourself, ideally that will make you feel a bit better. Then, concentrate on your life, doing things which you enjoy and finishing your final year of uni. Its a real achievement to finish your degree, so there is always something to look forward to!

Hope you start feeling better again soon :smile: Btw, if you want to talk, feel free to pm any time.
Reply 6
Original post by superduper9
Hey, sorry to hear that you've had a tough time of late. First of all, I'm glad that at least he was honest. He could have quite easily messed you around pretending as though he liked you and well, basically you get the idea. I know its hard when someone doesn't like you back, I've experienced that. Unfortunately, you can't force people to fall for you, and no matter what you do, when they're mind is made up, then its best to try to accept that and move on. I can see you realise that but are finding it hard. The best thing, like he says, is to reduce or close off contact. The more I was in touch with my ex, the worse the situation got for me. She was being really nice to me after the break up (she broke up with me because she felt that the attraction had gone) and wanted to stay friends. But I found it hard given I still had strong feelings for her. In the end, when we reduced our contact, I thought about her far less. I distracted myself with my uni work and sports.

I can relate; I can't say I have a huge number of close friends. I have plenty of friends and go out every now and then, but in terms of regular contact, its not that regular lol I have 2 close friends who I'm in touch with through text and fb fairly regularly. I've known one since 13 and the other since 15, so we're pretty close. However, they've got their lives to lead and are busy, as am I sometimes, so texting is sometimes very regular, other times far less. We can go a week of not texting and then a day of like 50-100 texts - extremes I know!

Don't worry, things will get better with time but you have to make a conscious effort. To begin with, do something you really enjoy to cheer yourself up - for me its watching a nice comedy movie in my room with the curtains drawn and the heating on, preferably under the covers! Lol stupid I know but its escapism! Then once you feel a bit better, get your uni work done and start afresh. There are plenty of people who will like you and find you attractive - so don't worry about that.

Best of luck with everything :smile:



I ended up reply:

" Okay its not what i wanted to hear but I'll accept it, you obviously don't care about showing the decency, I have told you my reasoning and it honestly did matter to me. I cannot argue any more and I've realised trying to try is only hurting myself.
I know I've done wrong but so have you, please don't look back with too much hate, I'm trying to do what's best now and leave it but Im feeling very hurt. Its not really the fact that you don't like me anymore but the fact I'm never ever going to see or hear from you anymore, so harsh. I care a lot after everything yet you don't care at all and that hurts. I wish you could have got to know me better in person and see more of the good in me. I think youve changed me a bit and now I'm at the point where I've realised my wrongs with you and I've learnt from them to act different in the future. I have so much to say but I guess none of it matters to you. I never ment to hurt you and I honestly wish you the best in life. X
As you said - The one which got away, maybe in another life.... "

And then I sent him this picture https://www.google.co.uk/search?q=a+goodbye+kiss+with+love&hl=en&client=safari&source=lnms&tbm=isch&sa=X&ei=QpFlUfXtLIjQ0QW03YDYCQ&ved=0CAgQ_AUoAQ&biw=320&bih=416#biv=i%7C0%3Bd%7CwbL4ls6VwYc3NM%3A

i cried when I wrote it :frown: such a sudden harsh end. So sick of things.
Reply 7
Yes, it hurts. And yes, there will be a mourning period.

But telling the tutor / student support now - rather than after the deadline - minimises the chances that this will screw up your course as well.
Original post by Anonymous
I've been in a long distant open relationship for nearly a year now, we see each other about once a month for a long weekend, but because of circumstances until last Friday I'd not seen him two months and only got to spend the night with him, we decided it was either make or break....to the put the story short- he left early, after texting became arguments he confessed that he doesn't find me attractive anymore and he realised he doesn't like me that much in person anymore too. In all honesty I didn't really have much to say that night and had no banter, I was tired and kept on nagging at him to switch the lights off.

He has no feelings for me now what so ever, doesn't see the point in keeping in touch and wants us to remove each others numbers and go out separate ways for good, as its for the best.
I know I'm making him sound like a monster but he said that he was just telling the truth and I need to hear it blunt to accept it and move on, he replied back to my texts telling him how upset i am etc and he explained himself, he apologised and wished me not to be upset and that he wants me to be happy but I'm not the right guy for him etc and perhaps I should get back with my ex. I took it bad and begged him to see me once more, he told me that he didn't want to but I said it was for my own sakes and for closure and he said that he'll think about it and not to text him until Friday and he'll let me know then.

I'm heartbroken. I thought he was the one. I planned to move to his city (London) in September after ive finished uni. I can't stop crying, Ive lost my appetite for food and my hair is falling out in clumps because I'm that stressed/upset. I have a 6000 word essay to do by Monday and I've done none, I just can't concentrate. The essay is worth 50% of my course too!

Until now he's been perfect, very attentive and we would text everyday, I really don't have that many friends so he ment a lot to me in that respect as well. Put it this way, if I switched my phone off for 2 weeks I'd have zero messages from anyone, he's the only person who bothers. I have a couple distant friends who only message occasionally when there's no one to go out with. I have a sister who's a year old but she's in interested in going out clubbing like i want to, she's works a lot and has a boyfriend of 5 years and just isn't interests in clubbing. She sometimes lets me go out shopping or to the cinema with her and her boyfriend, but she's always more interested in him and we can never just go out the two of us together.

I admire my ex so much, he has amazing friends and is always having fun with them, gets on great with his family and comes from a nice lifestyle, he's good looking, confidant, good at sports, straight A's in everything, graduated from uni last year and by this time next year he'll be 24 and earning around 50K in his job and rising every year! Plus he's a very happy person. He's got it all. And I just feel like a loser :frown:


If it's meant to be it's meant to be, I'm sorry. I feel he did the right thing telling you upfront. Put yourself in his shoes would you like to stay with someone if you weren't completely happy.

I'd say the main thing you need to concentrate on now is your essay, or you will regret it. If possible could you ask for an extension? Right now you need close friends and family around you, if possible fill them in on what's happened.

You're not a loser at all! Why would you be?! You have the rest of your life ahead of you, I promise you will meet someone else!

I'm sorry if none of that helped all I can say is listen to some upbeat music and look forward to the future. :smile:
Reply 9
Original post by hannahisasmit
If it's meant to be it's meant to be, I'm sorry. I feel he did the right thing telling you upfront. Put yourself in his shoes would you like to stay with someone if you weren't completely happy.

I'd say the main thing you need to concentrate on now is your essay, or you will regret it. If possible could you ask for an extension? Right now you need close friends and family around you, if possible fill them in on what's happened.

You're not a loser at all! Why would you be?! You have the rest of your life ahead of you, I promise you will meet someone else!

I'm sorry if none of that helped all I can say is listen to some upbeat music and look forward to the future. :smile:


Thank you. It's just a hard and upsetting time right now. I've never felt so strong about any guy, I thought he was the one!
The only thing which makes it better is thinking of leaving it a while until I am over (in about 1 / 2 months) getting back in contact and hope that he'll reply. I'm already thinking of stuff to say to him. Crazy, I know. I just need him in my life. Do you think that he will ever talk again? He made it pretty clear
This was his last text
"Understand your philosophical approach and I appreciate at least you understand this is it. In my opinion its better not to meet again. Take care and have a good life. This will be my last text regardless of what or if you reply. X"
But maybe in a while he's calmed down and things can be re-freshed into friendship. He's slept with about 35 girls, he likes text banter. Obviously he's pretty easy if its cheeky.

Tell me if I'm being stupid? Is there any chance do you think?
Reply 10
I think you should do what makes you feel good, don't isolate yourself and look in the mirror and smiled, admire what you see. You'll be fine! Chin up gorgeous.


P.s did you sleep with him? He may have just been after that tbh, some men are so inconsiderate at times, I wish you the very best! xx
Guy seems like an inconsiderate tool, Im sure you will find someone far better. What goes around, comes round, sounds like you were treated pretty badly in the end.
Reply 12
That's so sad. But I don't get it. Was the initial relationship based on sex only? How could he suddenly not even want to be your friend just because he no longer feels attracted to you? He spent quite a lot of time with you and then he wants to cut off all contact? No reason, no arguments, nothing. Just out of the blue? How superficial was this relationship?

OP, you hooked up with the wrong guy.

But, whatever you do, do not let this have an impact on your coursework. This will blow over, but it will cost you so much if you screw up your coursework.

I know it's cliche and annoying, but #YOLO. Think that. You'll have plenty of time to meet new people - but right now focus on your coursework which is worth 50% of your overall marks.
Original post by SloaneRanger
Guy seems like an inconsiderate tool, Im sure you will find someone far better. What goes around, comes round, sounds like you were treated pretty badly in the end.


To be fair while it is heartbreaking for the OP, at least he was honest and told her he didn't feel the same anymore, how many people don't do that.
Original post by Rock Fan
To be fair while it is heartbreaking for the OP, at least he was honest and told her he didn't feel the same anymore, how many people don't do that.


True say, but to cut someone off entirely, you want to at least respect what you had and surely you can still be friends.
Original post by SloaneRanger
True say, but to cut someone off entirely, you want to at least respect what you had and surely you can still be friends.


It is harsh but it is kinda hard to be friends with an ex at least straight away just after everything that's happened.
Original post by Anonymous
Thank you. It's just a hard and upsetting time right now. I've never felt so strong about any guy, I thought he was the one!
The only thing which makes it better is thinking of leaving it a while until I am over (in about 1 / 2 months) getting back in contact and hope that he'll reply. I'm already thinking of stuff to say to him. Crazy, I know. I just need him in my life. Do you think that he will ever talk again? He made it pretty clear
This was his last text
"Understand your philosophical approach and I appreciate at least you understand this is it. In my opinion its better not to meet again. Take care and have a good life. This will be my last text regardless of what or if you reply. X"
But maybe in a while he's calmed down and things can be re-freshed into friendship. He's slept with about 35 girls, he likes text banter. Obviously he's pretty easy if its cheeky.

Tell me if I'm being stupid? Is there any chance do you think?


In my opinion I don't think he wants to and who knows in time it might be for the best you not talking to him, it could help you move on and even let you do things that you wanted to before that you couldn't.

I honestly don't think there will be a second chance, he sounds pretty sure to me.

It seems hard but I would also say think of the negatives of him, this may help you move on. Hope this helps. :smile:
Reply 17
Original post by Rock Fan
It is harsh but it is kinda hard to be friends with an ex at least straight away just after everything that's happened.


Thanks for your reply.

He said that he didn't find me THAT attractive anymore but it wasn't really that he said, he doesn't like me in person anymore (we hadn't seen each other for a 2 months beforehand), it was my fault for moaning to him and not making much conversation effort as I was tired. Plus my train was late, so I was late and he was annoyed.

Read above my 'finial' text and his last reply.
I can't help but sit here and plot ways,
he doesn't meet up with his mate girls for coffee etc and therefore won't meet me again, but he still talks to them. That's what I want!
I would do anything to see him again.
I know which club he goes out most Fridays, I would go too but i don't really have anyone to go with right now. I've been before and that's where I met him.
I'll be past my driving test in about 3 months, maybe if I text him, he might take advantage when he's bored and come out with me, talk to him and sort our issues out. He's banned from driving for a year because he was speeding.
I was so close to texting him this morning saying something along the lines of I cant do this. Please see me etc but I'm trying to hold off until Monday when I've handed in my essay. I'm so chewed up, he's constantly running through my mind. I know he could like me again if I don't act like I did before and make an effort with myself.
When he was with me, he'd text everyday and It was just distracting so I'd ignore him sometimes and reply on the night and he'd be texting 'hmm' '...'
I guess I just didn't realise how much I actually needed him there and how much of a connection we had made. Now I realise.

I know that if I could just get him to meet me, he would at least stay in contact.

Going crazy!

I don't need to be anything more than friends, I just need him in life still :frown:
'The one' is a romantic myth: there are lots of people you could have a happy and successful relationship with.

Original post by Anonymous
"Understand your philosophical approach and I appreciate at least you understand this is it. In my opinion its better not to meet again. Take care and have a good life. This will be my last text regardless of what or if you reply. X"
..
Tell me if I'm being stupid? Is there any chance do you think?


It's possible he might get amnesia and forget sending that, but that's about as final 'I am not going to see you again' text as you can get, so no, there is no chance of you two getting back together.

Meanwhile, have you seen your tutor / student support yet? If not, and you haven't done that essay, have a short break from weeping into the pillow and see them.
Reply 19
Original post by unprinted
'The one' is a romantic myth: there are lots of people you could have a happy and successful relationship with.



It's possible he might get amnesia and forget sending that, but that's about as final 'I am not going to see you again' text as you can get, so no, there is no chance of you two getting back together.

Meanwhile, have you seen your tutor / student support yet? If not, and you haven't done that essay, have a short break from weeping into the pillow and see them.


I know, his twitter is open and I'm able to find it an look just through typing his name into google. I keep on refreshing his tweets, stuff about football, random banter and pictures he's been posting the past few days, he really doesn't care one bit. It's not that we aren't getting back together, that hurts, but mainly it's the fact he isn't even interested in being friends or keeping in contact for a bit. This time last week it was all the opposite, then I saw him again for the first time in a while and everything just changed, he wouldn't even stay the night and I cried in front of him when he left me.
When i met him my train was late so I was late in meeting him which he was annoyed about, I was tired and nagged him a bit, my conversation was dull because of the fact I was tired... And then he said after he went via text that he doesn't like me in person to see me anymore etc.
I keep on thinking over things and wondering. I remember when we petty fell out a while ago, all I did was send him a picture if myself with a push up bra on (lol..), he use to send me funny SnapChats of himself miming a song in the background whilst on a road trip somewhere. I wonder if I leave him a month, send him something upbeat and funny like that. Do my make-up / hair nice.... He's extremely shallow and that's what works.

I've thought about leaving it a week and texting him again to meet up, giving him my reasons and tell him that I'm not taking it well.

I would do anything to see him again, I keep on plotting silly things. I'm frustrated and upset.

My coursework thankfully has been extended adding 3 days. Thank god!

Thanks for your advice!

:redface:

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