My Friend is dating someone who took advantage of me - Do I tell her about him?

No, she hasn't been raped, because she wasn't raped, not because she stayed with him. She stayed with him because she wasn't raped.

She wasn't raped. She wasn't raped.

There is no discussion or debate, because she wasn't raped. He didn't force her to do anything, and apologized for making her uncomfortable. Not rape.

Psychotic feminist.

Hes scum but nothing there shows he was a rapist, I have had sex with girls then wanted to stop as I was worn out but the girl continued, that could be seen as sexual assault since I wanted to stop/withdrew consent but that doesnt mean it was, just as in the heat of things anything could happen.

Your post implied that because someone has stayed with someone who raped them then then the rape never occurred in the first place, which is a disgusting thing to even consider.

Also we dont get a lot of info from her post, that ill agree, but if she was made to take him in her mouth and was unable to stop because he wouldnt let her then thats assault at the very least.

What do you call making someone give you oral sex against your will then?

Also if you didnt consent to carrying on then she has committed sexual assault.

Believe it or not there are plenty of people out there who are able to stop when their partner has had enough and dont feel the need to force people into continuing.

Thats like saying a crime is a crime, if the intention was rape then its rape this is far different than bending someone over and forcing themselves onto them having neverr had consent, this was regular consentual sex. Consent can change at any time, it can easily change to yes to no back to yes or stay at no, its al about interpretation and sadly women see men differently than men see women, a man would not see a woman continuing sex after he finished as rape, and I know many women, some who I even havent slept with who enjoy being forced(as long as it isnt actual rape)

Even if it is "rape" it is not rape, why does someone need treated the same for doing that as someone forcing themselves on a stranger.

Consent is a tricky thing for anyone, I would never force myself on someone my ex hated oral(though loved getting it done to her) sometimes when she wanted to stop I didnt realise, wouldnt that be rape since she withdrew consent? Point of that is how does someone know the withdrawal is permanent.

The problem these days is that women are taught to see the potential dangers of something so in the past where a woman would never of thought twice about it being normal now its rape.

I in the past have awoken more than once with girls I have walked home and I slept on sofa to find my zip undone and bits out, I gave no consent to that and that to me is far worse because I wasnt able to give consent(I didnt want to sleep with the girls as wanted to see if they fancied me sober, and I was tired from the drink)

Then you were sexually assaulted and could have reported them

Also someone once actually tried raping me, a drunk gay guy came up to me when I was 17 and sitting on a bench and he grabbed my head and tried forcing myself onto him, I was almost frozen with fear but managed to break away and run.

If we could all stop victim blaming that would be ace. She said "I was made to continue perform oral sex after saying that I no longer wanted to" that is the information we have been given and that is rape regardless of whether they had sex again or whatever. Not all victims of rape are beaten and hurt, not all rape victims react in the same way and to accuse her of lying because she isn't fitting the profile in your head of what a rape victim should be is vile.

The attitudes here disgust me sometimes.

If you think consent is tricky you should probably not be having sex

If someone does not want to do something, and says no or is unable to say no (unconscious etc) then it is rape. it is as simple as that and i struggle to understand why some people dont understand that.

This girl was made to carry on when she didnt want to. That suggests something a little out of order to me.

As for the bit in bold, seriously wtf is wrong with you? If you are forcing someone to do something they dont consent to, no matter who you are, no matter what your previous history with someone is, it is rape. What is so difficult to understand?

'The problem these days is that women are taught to see the potential dangers of something so in the past where a woman would never of thought twice about it being normal now its rape.'

And yes things like marital rape were legal and the norm twenty years ago. Just because things were once the norm, doesnt mean they were right.
How is it a bad thing that people are now able to realise that they dont have to put up with people doing things to their body that they dont want?

I find your attitude very worrying.

Thats like saying a crime is a crime, if the intention was rape then its rape this is far different than bending someone over and forcing themselves onto them having neverr had consent, this was regular consentual sex. Consent can change at any time, it can easily change to yes to no back to yes or stay at no, its al about interpretation and sadly women see men differently than men see women, a man would not see a woman continuing sex after he finished as rape, and I know many women, some who I even havent slept with who enjoy being forced(as long as it isnt actual rape)

Even if it is "rape" it is not rape, why does someone need treated the same for doing that as someone forcing themselves on a stranger.

Consent is a tricky thing for anyone, I would never force myself on someone my ex hated oral(though loved getting it done to her) sometimes when she wanted to stop I didnt realise, wouldnt that be rape since she withdrew consent? Point of that is how does someone know the withdrawal is permanent.

The problem these days is that women are taught to see the potential dangers of something so in the past where a woman would never of thought twice about it being normal now its rape.

I in the past have awoken more than once with girls I have walked home and I slept on sofa to find my zip undone and bits out, I gave no consent to that and that to me is far worse because I wasnt able to give consent(I didnt want to sleep with the girls as wanted to see if they fancied me sober, and I was tired from the drink)

Also someone once actually tried raping me, a drunk gay guy came up to me when I was 17 and sitting on a bench and he grabbed my head and tried forcing myself onto him, I was almost frozen with fear but managed to break away and run.

Some things should not automatically be seen as rape or potential rape and I see it more as intent, if she started screaming no and he continued I would see that as rape but I personally see it as the attitude he had and the force he used rather than just saying rape, it could be rape on paper, if a 18 year old bought a few cans of beer for someone 1 day away from their 18th birthday would you say they should get in trouble with the police? You have to think about the actions and consequences.

Right lets get this straight, yes? If you stick a penis in someone and they are not consenting, whatever your intent it is seen as rape.

Do you understand that?

Buying alcohol illegally is completely different to sexually violating someone. A rape could have had the least force used in the world but its still rape and may still give the victim a lot of stress and trauma.

Why is it ok to automatically demonize people and think the worst of them? This guy is scum from cheating and his actions during sex may make he worse.

If a girl withdrew consent I would stop but I may unintentionally continue at first either not hearing or not taking it in.

Depending on how long you didnt stop for you wouldnt be demonized for this, a couple of seconds no one is going to scream rapist at you, a couple of minutes then you are.

I dont deny it shouldnt have happened I just think as a one off it could of been a accident or the guy just didnt realise,

Then he needs to realise to prevent any more 'accidents'

I dont think going to the police may be the best way, because nothing would ever be proven anyway.But by telling the new girl he's with maybe it will make him think what he did was wrong.

The point for me is it really could of been a accident, it is well known that during sex people get caught up in the moment, some of the shiest girls I know have been my exes but in the bedroom they have been more agressive and get caught up in the moment.

In my experience, usually both people get caught up in the moment, so there is no issue or it is pretty damn obvious when someone is trying to stop the other person, Even if a penis is in your mouth, pulling back, shaking your head, trying to push them away are pretty obvious signs and any guy who doesnt realise at that point is an idiot.

On paper he is a rapist yes, so in that way he is a rapist but when I see rape I see it as more serious.

It doesnt have to be violent to be serious or to have a traumatic effect on someone. This is what makes any rape serious. Even if its your husband, bf, gf whoever and without violence the trauma and after effects can still be serious. This girl says she was 'made' to do this. This means she had no other choice and has obviously upset her, what part of that isnt serious?

And I do think its bad that the worst is assumed rather than potential innocence.

This will be taken the wrong way but since it was a one off and he apologised it means he realised what he did was wrong.

The guy who drags a girl down an alleyway and rapes her could still do it as a one off, it doesnt make it right. he could apologise after, it doesnt change what he did.

Thats what I am getting at, I like to look deeper for everything rather than go to the easiest conclusion, I had a friend who was regularly abused by his girlfriend to the point she would punch him in face and try and squeeze his privates tight(only in her home, in public it was just shouting) then she left him and took his child and told everyone he abused her and she was innocent and never hurt anyone in her life, he had to pay child support and was refused access to his kid and turned to drink and considering suicide.

Now I am not saying OP is guilty of anything infact its a little more clear cut that the guy was scum but its not clear cut on the rape issue, it may be rape but it likely is more of a error from the guy who did not intend it to be rape, yes that still means its rape but we dont look at the bigger picture.

We cant look deeper into it as we only have literally what the OP has said.
There is no evidence, so we just have to take it as its said.

You say 'its still rape', yes so this guy has done something pretty serious then and rape is one of the few things that is never a mistake.

Seriously, im not telling anyone to go and report him or anything, but using the words of OP which are the only ones we have and therefore should not be making up or assuming anything else, at least realise what this guy has done and why it is not right.

I knew you would bring up something like a guy dragging a girl down a alleyway to say it wasnt excused as it was a one off which is why I mentioned what I did.

To me its about how serious is serious, and I do say what he did was not right but its serious in the way that doing any crime is serious but doesnt mean all crime should be treated the same, I dont think we should see rape in this sense as everything that can be called rape is the same thats all.

If someone punched me on the street but just bloodied my nose but the experience scarred me far more than the guy did here would you see it as serious.

To me its more of a slap on the wrists(a very heavy slap on the wrists) because its very bad and should not be done but I dont see it as severe as pulling a girl in a alleyway.

Here's a clue people, especially to women.

If you have to be told you were raped, you weren't.

Bull****, this is one of the biggest myths about rape going. It took me a few years to realise what had happened to me was rape. That was a boyfriend and because of that I didnt think at the time it was. It was only when i started looking further into the definition of rape during some coursework or something, i realised what it was.

OP is giving oral sex, and get's tired, doesn't want to. The BF encourages her to continue, tells her too etc, and she does.

Nice assumption there, maybe we could all have this discussion using the words OP said and not putting words into her mouth.
No pun intended...


She then continues to have a sexual relationship with him.

This is fairly common in things like abusive relationships, people dont tend to leave as they havent realised something is abuse or they arent strong enough.
In what world is the first conclusion there that it was a rape? I've continued oral sex on a girl before only because I felt obliged to, was I raped?
Could you have stopped at any time and did the girl know you wanted to? The OP says she was made. If you are made to do something you usually have no other choice.
Part of the reason I once had sex with someone was because of emotional blackmail of a sort, was I sexually abused? No. Grow up. You people want to make people victims, you're not helping them, you're doing the opposite.

I dont know if i would call that sexual abuse but it isnt right and you shouldnt have felt pressurized into it.

It would be nice to have some more details from the OP, but without them we cant assume anything other than what she has said.
Even the boyfriend realised something he did was wrong as he apologized. Now im not saying he should go to prison, but to say it was innocent, a mistake etc is wrong unless you want to completely disregard what the OP said and make up your own version.