Eating Disorders and life with one - Discussions, Opinions, Advice.

My ex-fiance noticed how much I was cutting out rubbish and exercising. At one point I was about 7.5 stone, and maybe 7% body fat, and I could see my abdominal muscles. I think it was when she said to me "look at how grotesque your stomach looks now" that I actually looked at myself and thought, am I doing this just to keep doing this, or am I trying to look good?! I already have a lady I want to be with, and I should be wanting to please HER. But I kept doing it. It was autonomous, mechanical, I'd lost all sense of priority and meaning in it.

I started restricting more and more, and perhaps neglected her preferences too much, to the point where I personally just exercised because it's what my day should be, not because I wanted to look different, or get stronger, or become someone else. It was just the ED using me, distracting me from the important things.

Nowadays, at 8 and a half stones, I look like I weigh a lot more than that. Sadly because my bones are breadsticks my skeleton is incredibly light, and at 12.5-13% body fat, I appear chubbier than my friend at 19% body fat. My body has been broken. I am in my late twenties and my attitude to mechanical exercise, anorexic restriction and obsessive compulsive fixation on every idosyncrasy in life has meant I now, during recovery, absorb fat at an extraordinary rate but am completely unable to exercise it off without fracturing a bone.

I know you're a bit younger than me but remember it only took me less than two years to go from healthy to death-bed.

Tread carefully my friend. x

My ex-fiance noticed how much I was cutting out rubbish and exercising. At one point I was about 7.5 stone, and maybe 7% body fat, and I could see my abdominal muscles. I think it was when she said to me "look at how grotesque your stomach looks now" that I actually looked at myself and thought, am I doing this just to keep doing this, or am I trying to look good?! I already have a lady I want to be with, and I should be wanting to please HER. But I kept doing it. It was autonomous, mechanical, I'd lost all sense of priority and meaning in it.

I started restricting more and more, and perhaps neglected her preferences too much, to the point where I personally just exercised because it's what my day should be, not because I wanted to look different, or get stronger, or become someone else. It was just the ED using me, distracting me from the important things.

Nowadays, at 8 and a half stones, I look like I weigh a lot more than that. Sadly because my bones are breadsticks my skeleton is incredibly light, and at 12.5-13% body fat, I appear chubbier than my friend at 19% body fat. My body has been broken. I am in my late twenties and my attitude to mechanical exercise, anorexic restriction and obsessive compulsive fixation on every idosyncrasy in life has meant I now, during recovery, absorb fat at an extraordinary rate but am completely unable to exercise it off without fracturing a bone.

I know you're a bit younger than me but remember it only took me less than two years to go from healthy to death-bed.

Tread carefully my friend. x

What is it about your ED that means you look heavier than you are? Are you sure this isn't just your dysmorphia?

I understand a lot of it is body dysmorphia (though the nature of the illness dictates I will never understand where this ends), but during heavy restriction my bones degraded to an incredibly low density (0-grade osteoporosis).

When your body starts to die it starts using up all of the secondary resources; fat, muscle, and even bone marrow. But bones are required to keep you up, actually standing, so if you imagine a normal bone to be a Cadbury Wispa, it tries to keep the structure on together, but use up part of the bone itself - so it becomes a Nestle Aero. Same exterior structure, but all of the inside has lessened in density and become way, way more hollow.

This is why I have a considerably lighter skeleton (as well as having gotten almost a full inch shorter in height).

It's like one step forward, ten steps back. I just want to go forward and stay that way.

Why the neg? I want to help, but nobody's giving me any information nor context.
Listen, I know nobody likes giving up their personal lives to a stranger, but sometimes it's the easier option. Someone with zero prejudice.

But when you completely negate their advice with sheer negativity, it can't help you! Help me, to help you!

can i inbox you chick?

Nobody can help you if you post so cryptically rubic honey! It's like those Facebook "FML" posts. Tell us more and we can aid you! X

Why the neg? I want to help, but nobody's giving me any information nor context.
Listen, I know nobody likes giving up their personal lives to a stranger, but sometimes it's the easier option. Someone with zero prejudice.

But when you completely negate their advice with sheer negativity, it can't help you! Help me, to help you!

Yeah I probably should have done that. So here goes ...

I just need to put this somewhere... please don't read it :/

x