Okay, here is an exercise I want you to do this Saturday. It's one of the single most effective forms of therapy that helped me reach the stage in recovery I'm at. It's called "The Mimic Method", and you can start off doing it once a week, but eventurally you can up the game.
I'm hearing a lot of the issues you're having comes from what I call the "choice challenge". When an option is presented to you, you go into overdrive and start freaking out. Do I do X or Y? Or Z? Well X has the most points, but Z is the most horizontal, and Y is the simplest, but that doesn't mean it's best but...
..
It's exhausting and half the time you don't choose X, Y OR Z. How many times have you went out with the intention of getting... an ice cream. Just a simple ice cream. Thinking "let's DO this, let's challenge this bastard ED." - you work yourself up, get into the ice cream parlour, and... oh. Chocolate. Vanilla. Cone. Scoop. Toppings. Oh. Em. Em. Crap. Crap. Cannot... cope.
And you leave. Empty-handed. TELL ME you haven't done this, because if you do, you're 100% lying! All of us have been there in recovery.
Anyway, do you ever remember having this anxiety as a kid? When your mum would tell you "Dinner!" - and dinner was put down in front of you, barring the moaning sessions of "Ugh, PEAS?!" - you ate it. It's all you knew, it was the only option. You ate it.
The "Mimic Method" presents the same criteria. You have isolated yourself from the real world, and that's half the issue. But your fears of food and repetition is the other half. This method addresses both.
Take a whole day, maybe it's the weekend because it's easiest for most people - hang out with someone for the majority of the day. Plan normal things. Just, cinema, park, whatever. But you match your mum, dad, best pal, gran - whoever this person is - you match their behaviour. You can be covert or overt, your choice. This includes foods.
If your pal orders a small fries, you order a small fries. If they order the steak, get a steak. The choice is no longer yours, you are completely adhering to a normal life routine. This is TRUE normality, as a normal person lives. And you get a brief glimpse of it. You know you have to opportunity to return to anorexia tomorrow, but for this day, you are mimicking your partner.
Trust me, you feel like it's too much all at once, but this one day is oddly very fulfilling and begins like a holiday, and it feels magical. In the end you want to experience it more and more. As it progresses you pick up new, healthier habits and don't have to "shadow" so much.
I want you to consider trying this. If you're serious about wanting to quell this son of a bitch disease, I would wholeheartedly recommend this once-a-week method. It is incredibly effective. X