Original post by TotoMimoThe part you're at right now was by far the hardest part for me. Your eating disorder and body dysmorphia has been EVERYTHING ABOUT YOU for so long, you feel like it's all that exists about you just now. I use the tunnel metaphor because you've been working towards this singular, one bright light this whole time and now when you're about to leave the tunnel, this massive expanse of overwhelming options, fears, terrifying choices, choices, choices everywhere - it all arrives, like a punch to face, all at once. You start to wonder about clothes. About people. About work. About everything. How will people see you? How will you act when you go back to work? How will you cope with social outings? How will, how can, how?!
Eating Disorders are at their core, regressive. They take on a child-like state where you absolve yourself of the situation, the responsibility, the world. Nothing matters; you devote your entire existence to a loose cog in your head. So when the responsibilities appear, it's natural you would feel utterly overwhelmed by it all.
I love my metaphors but I put it to you like this; The Goldfish Metaphor.
You were a fish before ED; you swam in a huge lake, with all your friends. One day something happened to you; perhaps one of your fish mates was eaten, perhaps you accidentally flopped onto land for too long; whatever it was, is was traumatic.
Then, you decided the lake was too much to handle. After your traumatic experience which you may or may not be able to pinpoint, you decided to live in a small fishbowl at the side of the lake. Your fishbowl, your rules, nothing gets in, nothing gets out. You can still SEE the rest of the world, so it still seems like you're a part of it, but you cannot interact with it. The fact is, you can't see under the water in the lake either, so, out of sight, out of mind, right?
As you regained consciousness of why you decided to live forever in a bowl, you realised, this is no existence! I want to get back to the lake. So you eked closer and closer to the lake, and as time passed, your friends would come to the shore and occasionally shout to you, ask you how your were, and when you were coming back. You got a taste for life again, but were still frightened.
Right now, you have pulled your bowl INTO the lake, but are still too frightened to come out. The same water from the lake flows in and out of the bowl. You are IN real life now. It's just that you cling to a pointless shell. You cling to something that cannot benefit you in any way. That thing you relied on to keep you safe is now just dead weight, a useless artefact that just keeps reminding you of a past life.
My therapy for you then, is that you keep the bowl for now. Keep it. But one day a week, swim into the lake.
It's nothing more than integration therapy. One day a week, be a normal lass. Don't freak, don't count, nothing. If you want to return to it the following day, so be it - but do your one day a week at LEAST. Don't cheat yourself by letting the broken mind sabotage you during this day. You have the comfort of the bowl to return to should you want it, but TOMORROW. Not on this day, where you're normal, just another fish in the lake.
Do you think this is something you could accomplish?