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Mental Health Support Society Mk X
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this house hates me, it just locked me out, nearly had a breakdown on the step outside 
went to placement this afternoon
only for a meeting, but i still went 
sorted my hours out so im not on any terrifying sessions. just have 2 weeks worth of work to do when my file has to be in in a week
urrrrrm piss.
walked down to placement and back, so no idea how faar that is but its a long way, and it took so much energy
gotta be at placement for 10 in the morning and have to walk again 
went to placement this afternoon
only for a meeting, but i still went sorted my hours out so im not on any terrifying sessions. just have 2 weeks worth of work to do when my file has to be in in a week
urrrrrm piss.walked down to placement and back, so no idea how faar that is but its a long way, and it took so much energy
gotta be at placement for 10 in the morning and have to walk again 
Original post by bullettheory
I feel lost, really really lost. I don't know what to do. Where to start. Where to go.
I've been set on wanting to be a social worker for like a year now. Okay maybe not the longest amount of time of wanting to do something but, for me, finally thinking I had found something I actually wanted to do, was a big deal. I thought I would go and help people, that I could help people get help and get better. I thought that the system could actually work. But now I've lost all faith. All I have seen the system do after that last year is **** up. Seen people who need and deserve help turned away. Social Workers, Psychiatrists, CPNs, Psychologists unable to help anyone due to targets, rules and regulations. I've been there trying to get help, turned away because there is no beds, no money, no help. I've been there with others, knowing that they need something, but nothing comes. I had to take a close friend to A&E last night, they were very unwell, very distressed and hopeless. And I had to sit through the psych appointment with them, as they turned her away. I felt so angry. I tried to stand up to them, asking them when exactly is someone unwell enough to need hospital, I was trying to be fair to them. But the ****ing ignorance from the CPN just sent me off. It was like he didn't care, he just was happy to shove someone off, to hide behind the rules and just refuse to do anything. Yeah, I said some things I shouldn't of said, and yeah, I may of lashed out. That probably makes me a bad person. But to be honest, I couldn't care less. All I cared about was my friends safety. But if that is what the system does to people, then it is something I do not want to be a part of. I wanted to help people, but I don't know how the **** I can. I don't want to be like them, I won't. But theres no way I can be in that system.
Right now I am probably messing up my entire recovery. I've missed DBT group 3 times in a row now. My psychologist is pissed. But I just can't go. In a month, I am forced to move, so I will lose all the support I currently have. I don't want to go there knowing that I am going to lose it all very soon. I don't want that. I just want to push away, and I guess I am doing that. I don't want to accept that I am losing it all. I guess it's just my BPD part of me that is telling me to push, and im not even fighting it. Shows how pathetic I am.
I am constantly worried about money. Losing all my benefits. Not having somewhere to live. I know I can go back to my parents, but I've been independent since I was 18. That is probably the only thing I am proud of about myself, and I'm still crap at that. I wanted to move in with my girlfriend and start a new life. But it just looks like I don't have enough money to do that. And I won't. The only way I would have enough money would be to get a job, but who the **** would employ me. I had planned to go to uni (I still wouldn't of had enough then), but now it's not like I can even go. I don't want to go anymore.
Things aren't great in my head. But all I know is taking care of others, that's all I can do. Push my **** aside and deal with others. I don't think that's sustainable. But what can I do. I feel like I'm about to snap, I feel like I'm at my limit of what I can deal with. Like one thing more and I will break down. I've been like pretty much constantly crying for the last 24 hours. I feel so low. So distressed. So fed up. What can I do? Call my CPN? What's the point. Crisis team don't give a **** and I can't go to A&E because I have other people to look after. So I don't know. I want someone to help but at the same time I logically know that there is no help. Nothing.
I really don't know. Sorry I've completely rambled. I'm completely useless. Literally good for nothing. I don't have any dreams anymore. No reason.
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I've been set on wanting to be a social worker for like a year now. Okay maybe not the longest amount of time of wanting to do something but, for me, finally thinking I had found something I actually wanted to do, was a big deal. I thought I would go and help people, that I could help people get help and get better. I thought that the system could actually work. But now I've lost all faith. All I have seen the system do after that last year is **** up. Seen people who need and deserve help turned away. Social Workers, Psychiatrists, CPNs, Psychologists unable to help anyone due to targets, rules and regulations. I've been there trying to get help, turned away because there is no beds, no money, no help. I've been there with others, knowing that they need something, but nothing comes. I had to take a close friend to A&E last night, they were very unwell, very distressed and hopeless. And I had to sit through the psych appointment with them, as they turned her away. I felt so angry. I tried to stand up to them, asking them when exactly is someone unwell enough to need hospital, I was trying to be fair to them. But the ****ing ignorance from the CPN just sent me off. It was like he didn't care, he just was happy to shove someone off, to hide behind the rules and just refuse to do anything. Yeah, I said some things I shouldn't of said, and yeah, I may of lashed out. That probably makes me a bad person. But to be honest, I couldn't care less. All I cared about was my friends safety. But if that is what the system does to people, then it is something I do not want to be a part of. I wanted to help people, but I don't know how the **** I can. I don't want to be like them, I won't. But theres no way I can be in that system.
Right now I am probably messing up my entire recovery. I've missed DBT group 3 times in a row now. My psychologist is pissed. But I just can't go. In a month, I am forced to move, so I will lose all the support I currently have. I don't want to go there knowing that I am going to lose it all very soon. I don't want that. I just want to push away, and I guess I am doing that. I don't want to accept that I am losing it all. I guess it's just my BPD part of me that is telling me to push, and im not even fighting it. Shows how pathetic I am.
I am constantly worried about money. Losing all my benefits. Not having somewhere to live. I know I can go back to my parents, but I've been independent since I was 18. That is probably the only thing I am proud of about myself, and I'm still crap at that. I wanted to move in with my girlfriend and start a new life. But it just looks like I don't have enough money to do that. And I won't. The only way I would have enough money would be to get a job, but who the **** would employ me. I had planned to go to uni (I still wouldn't of had enough then), but now it's not like I can even go. I don't want to go anymore.
Things aren't great in my head. But all I know is taking care of others, that's all I can do. Push my **** aside and deal with others. I don't think that's sustainable. But what can I do. I feel like I'm about to snap, I feel like I'm at my limit of what I can deal with. Like one thing more and I will break down. I've been like pretty much constantly crying for the last 24 hours. I feel so low. So distressed. So fed up. What can I do? Call my CPN? What's the point. Crisis team don't give a **** and I can't go to A&E because I have other people to look after. So I don't know. I want someone to help but at the same time I logically know that there is no help. Nothing.
I really don't know. Sorry I've completely rambled. I'm completely useless. Literally good for nothing. I don't have any dreams anymore. No reason.
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I see you've had a few replies to this but one more can't hurt.
It's true that mental health services need to be improved and in some areas are pretty ****, but I don't think that's a reason to give up on wanting to be a social worker. You might not be able to change the system but you can make a difference to individual people's lives, and I think that's still really important and admirable.
I've lost count of the number of people I've talked to and seen about my MH stuff over the last six years, but when I find somebody who knows how to talk to me and genuinely cares and wants to help it's really, really valuable to me. My mentor at uni this year was hugely helpful and supportive and the MH co-ordinator can always fit me in. They might not be able to fix the rubbish system that's in place but they make a massive difference to me. Don't think I'd still be doing my degree without them and I'm really grateful for what they've done for me. I don't think we're anywhere near a stage with MH systems in general where every professional will do a stand-out job, and maybe it's completely impossible, but that doesn't mean it's not worth standing up and fighting or setting an example.
Also I don't think it makes you a bad person that you said some things you now regret when you were in A&E with your friend. I'd be perfectly willing to shout and swear at somebody who I thought wasn't doing enough to help somebody I care about. It doesn't mean that you're going to be a bad social worker. Equally, if you have decided that maybe social work isn't what you want to do, that's ok too. There are always options and other paths that you can take. I know it might feel like you were getting everything sorted and now you're back at square one, but you've made progress. It's better to work it out now than be stuck training for/ in a career that you don't want to be in.
Have you spoken to your psychologist to know that they're pissed off that you haven't been to DBT? I doubt it's an uncommon thing for people to miss appointments and question what the point of treatment is, and I wouldn't imagine that they're really annoyed at you. You're not pathetic at all for missing the sessions. It's good that you've recognised it might be the BPD traits making you want to push everyone away. The next step is to think "right, that's the ill part of me, and I want to get better, so I'm going to try and not do what the illness wants." My therapist is very big on 'acting opposite to how I feel' when I start recognising negative behaviours but don't really know how or want to combat them.
Being worried about money is something I can relate to at the moment. Cornflakes, porridge and toast are so not gourmet. If I quit smoking I'd have more money I guess but
. Can you speak to your CPN about benefits and what money you're entitled to etc.? Money problems suck and can really bring you down so I think it's something important that should be looked at.
Taking care of other people is lovely, but remember that you do still need to keep looking after yourself. If you're not doing okish yourself then you're less able to help other people. Case in point: two of my friends were looking after another friend all Saturday night/ morning, so on the Sunday I went over to chip in so they could have a break. Helping people with MH problems is hugely rewarding but can also be very draining and you need to make sure you're looking after yourself and getting some timeout.
As for what help is available, I think it's always worth calling your CPN just to catch up and see if there's anything they can do. The worst that can happen is nothing, so definitely try. Crisis team: it totally depends on who picks up the phone. I've had good experiences and bad, but it's still good to know that there's somebody there. If you get a rubbish person you can wait half an hour and somebody different might answer the phone.
Hope things get better v soon, and hope I put enough paragraphs in this to make it readable.
_______________________
EDish:
Spoiler
(edited 10 years ago)
Original post by Tyrion_Lannister
Yeah only been on them a week, already they've made a difference which has surprised me (I'm usually very anti meds but got on a crisis).
---
My mums boss is being a bitch again. My mum was honest with her and told her about my bipolar, to which she got "so? Everyone has problems" and she's really unsympathetic, doesn't let her have time off to take me to appointments, my mum's part time but she won't let her book days off in advance to arange appointments, won't be flexible and is really rude about it (called me 'baggage'). My mum's had unions involved and had explained they're breachinh the DD ACT but it's hardly changed. Her manager is a bully, and says things to her like "everyone's talking about you." and "you're letting everyone down" for no reason. She deliberately tries to make her look stupid by telling her to come into work an hour later, and then asking her in front of everyone why she's late, and when my mum goes to the board to check she's written over it (although you can still clearly see the original, we photocopied it).
Now she's moaning about my mum wanting to leave work ON TIME to take me to an appointment OUT OF WORK TIME. They ran over, and all my mum did was ask someone else to stay and her to go for the appointment (she stayed last week) and they're being horrible about it. Makes me feel like it's my fault :/
---
My mums boss is being a bitch again. My mum was honest with her and told her about my bipolar, to which she got "so? Everyone has problems" and she's really unsympathetic, doesn't let her have time off to take me to appointments, my mum's part time but she won't let her book days off in advance to arange appointments, won't be flexible and is really rude about it (called me 'baggage'). My mum's had unions involved and had explained they're breachinh the DD ACT but it's hardly changed. Her manager is a bully, and says things to her like "everyone's talking about you." and "you're letting everyone down" for no reason. She deliberately tries to make her look stupid by telling her to come into work an hour later, and then asking her in front of everyone why she's late, and when my mum goes to the board to check she's written over it (although you can still clearly see the original, we photocopied it).
Now she's moaning about my mum wanting to leave work ON TIME to take me to an appointment OUT OF WORK TIME. They ran over, and all my mum did was ask someone else to stay and her to go for the appointment (she stayed last week) and they're being horrible about it. Makes me feel like it's my fault :/
bit like my experience (2 weeks in). It's a bit up and down and I hate having to take meds but I know they're doing some good and I'd hate even more to be back how I was before. Good luck with it
And it's not your fault. That woman sounds like an absolute b*tch and I hope somebody can expose her for the b*tch she is! Is there any possibility of you finding alternative transport like a bus or lift with a friend sometimes?
Original post by -FireFlies-
Yup 
Somewhere hot with a nice beach sounds amazing! Hmmmm true that... wasn't that the one where the 2 girls kissed at the end haha?
I watched the trailer.. it seems funny though haha may watch it one day when I get the chance to 
... I don't listen to metal music remember haha.
Yayy so tomorrow things will ease up in terms of coursework?
Indeed it is #TeamIBelieve haha
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Still feeling like ****.. no painkillers (well nothing that will work anyway
).. and my ribs are in agony.. bloody kills every time I breathe in/laugh/cough or any type of movement!
Somewhere hot with a nice beach sounds amazing! Hmmmm true that... wasn't that the one where the 2 girls kissed at the end haha? I watched the trailer.. it seems funny though haha may watch it one day when I get the chance to ... I don't listen to metal music remember haha.Yayy so tomorrow things will ease up in terms of coursework?
Indeed it is
#TeamIBelieve haha -----------------------------------------------------------------------
Still feeling like ****.. no painkillers (well nothing that will work anyway
).. and my ribs are in agony.. bloody kills every time I breathe in/laugh/cough or any type of movement! Hot beach, blue skies, girls, refreshingly cool sea...that'd be a life worth living
Perhaps 
But it was cheesy, cringey and up-beat which is what Eurovision is all about...and the girl was uber pretty in my opinion IDukem's recommendation for FireFlies: Watch How To Lose A Girl In Ten Days
It's not really metal to be honest, Nothing But A Good Time is a party happy type song that isn't heavy at all nor does it scream or anything. Listen to that and if you don't like it then fair enough 
They made a highly recognisable and popular acoustic song called Every Rose Has It's Thorn which is a great song also and would probably be a better option to listen to actually. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PaQkMppiHic
It won't necessarily ease up, but i won't be rushing around all the time and so i'd end up actually having more time to them
Go #TeamIBelieve!!
Awwwww have some
from lil bro 
Original post by Kindred
bit like my experience (2 weeks in). It's a bit up and down and I hate having to take meds but I know they're doing some good and I'd hate even more to be back how I was before. Good luck with it
And it's not your fault. That woman sounds like an absolute b*tch and I hope somebody can expose her for the b*tch she is! Is there any possibility of you finding alternative transport like a bus or lift with a friend sometimes?
And it's not your fault. That woman sounds like an absolute b*tch and I hope somebody can expose her for the b*tch she is! Is there any possibility of you finding alternative transport like a bus or lift with a friend sometimes?
You too! Hope it goes well
She's horrible. There isn't, transport round here is **** and I need someone to go with me, so I always have to try and make them when my mum can take me. Which is hard because of her manager
Original post by Tyrion_Lannister
You too! Hope it goes well
She's horrible. There isn't, transport round here is **** and I need someone to go with me, so I always have to try and make them when my mum can take me. Which is hard because of her manager
She's horrible. There isn't, transport round here is **** and I need someone to go with me, so I always have to try and make them when my mum can take me. Which is hard because of her manager
Aw that really sucks. Hopefully she'll stop being such a pain soon
Don't feel safe. Don't know what to do
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Posted from TSR Mobile
Poncho messes up again
might aswell just hide and never come out, apparently i cant do anything right
might aswell just hide and never come out, apparently i cant do anything right
i'm in a crappy place right now. i can't even describe it. i don't even know what's going on right now.
ED Trig (i dont even know if im allowed to talk about this this much - but i just need to tell people who i know won't jump down my throat/chuck food at me/tell me lies about my own body)
ED Trig (i dont even know if im allowed to talk about this this much - but i just need to tell people who i know won't jump down my throat/chuck food at me/tell me lies about my own body)
Spoiler
Original post by Kindred
Aw that really sucks. Hopefully she'll stop being such a pain soon
Thanks
I don't know what to do with myself anymore... I have done no revision for weeks... I just feel like I am existing rather than living
Don't feel safe... I don't even know what I have been doing the last few weeks... I have no idea how I have been spending my days... which scares me. I don't want to be back here in this state of mind
Don't feel safe... I don't even know what I have been doing the last few weeks... I have no idea how I have been spending my days... which scares me. I don't want to be back here in this state of mind
Original post by ANONYM00SE
I don't know what to do with myself anymore... I have done no revision for weeks... I just feel like I am existing rather than living
Don't feel safe... I don't even know what I have been doing the last few weeks... I have no idea how I have been spending my days... which scares me. I don't want to be back here in this state of mind
Don't feel safe... I don't even know what I have been doing the last few weeks... I have no idea how I have been spending my days... which scares me. I don't want to be back here in this state of mind
im feeling exactly the same
I really didn't want to get back here but I am. I have an exam tomorrow and I can hardly think straight let alone take an exam.Trying to stay positive today... easier said than done
Felt really ill this morning. Therapy brought up some mixed feelings and stuff i'd pushed back for a long while. Mum had a rage when I was in the car and it made me feel bad for her (and awkward). Just reading the word blood in lesson this afternoon made me feel ill again. Now I just feel really unsettled and like crying for no reason. This is all that's keeping me from crying at the moment
But I managed to get some work done and I get to spend loads of time with my friends tomorrow so that's what I need to focus on!
Felt really ill this morning. Therapy brought up some mixed feelings and stuff i'd pushed back for a long while. Mum had a rage when I was in the car and it made me feel bad for her (and awkward). Just reading the word blood in lesson this afternoon made me feel ill again. Now I just feel really unsettled and like crying for no reason. This is all that's keeping me from crying at the moment
But I managed to get some work done and I get to spend loads of time with my friends tomorrow so that's what I need to focus on!
Original post by asdfgah
Yay for three weeks off! Let me know if the Mirtazapine situation doesn't work out. Obviously it's illegal to share prescription meds so there is no way I'd ever be able to send you a couple but it would be **** if you had to go through discontinuation when I have 2 months' worth just sat here.
I'm ok. Got mentor at 2.30 and revision before that (and after), but I'll probably be around this evening. Getting a bit stressed about exams but nothing extreme.
Let me know if the Mirtazapine situation doesn't work out. Obviously it's illegal to share prescription meds so there is no way I'd ever be able to send you a couple but it would be **** if you had to go through discontinuation when I have 2 months' worth just sat here. I'm ok. Got mentor at 2.30 and revision before that (and after), but I'll probably be around this evening. Getting a bit stressed about exams but nothing extreme.
Emergency prescription ^^ And they've finally put it on repeat for me so what happened today shouldn't happen again. The thought of discontinuation was a nasty thought
And for once I agreed with the chemist who said I was a different person to the one she saw at the beginning of last October. Late, late evenings are still pretty meh but they take up such a small proportion of the day it's bearable.I hope the mentor went okay
When's your first exam again? 
Original post by The_Lonely_Goatherd
It's a damn good feeling. Psychology all the way now
I'm going to do something bad I swear
I can't deal with another 4 months of living with a mother who refuses to talk to me about my depression..... I can't say anything and get a conversation....... it's doing my head in I can't talk to anyone except my boyfriend and feel like I'm burdening him now.
Literally just said to my mum I don't know what to do with myself I can't deal with feeling like **** all the time anymore....... her reply.... oh did you know so and so cuts her own hair?
yeah thanks. thanks very ****ing much. the woman who gave birth to me and has supposedly suffered from depression herself thanks a ****ing bunch.
she just changes topic or will ignore what i say....... i could jump up and down screaming and she wouldn't bat a ****ing eye lid
I can't deal with another 4 months of living with a mother who refuses to talk to me about my depression..... I can't say anything and get a conversation....... it's doing my head in I can't talk to anyone except my boyfriend and feel like I'm burdening him now.
Literally just said to my mum I don't know what to do with myself I can't deal with feeling like **** all the time anymore....... her reply.... oh did you know so and so cuts her own hair?
yeah thanks. thanks very ****ing much. the woman who gave birth to me and has supposedly suffered from depression herself thanks a ****ing bunch.
she just changes topic or will ignore what i say....... i could jump up and down screaming and she wouldn't bat a ****ing eye lid
Original post by Anonymous
im feeling exactly the same I really didn't want to get back here but I am. I have an exam tomorrow and I can hardly think straight let alone take an exam.
I really didn't want to get back here but I am. I have an exam tomorrow and I can hardly think straight let alone take an exam. good luck for tomorrow. I know how you feel Well. Exam for Psychology PSYA1 is tomorrow morning. Can't get a lot of it in my head at all. In fact I'm currently lying in bed. Don't see the point in most things right now, which happens to include all important things. Just had it. ****s sake 
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Original post by avhhs
Well. Exam for Psychology PSYA1 is tomorrow morning. Can't get a lot of it in my head at all. In fact I'm currently lying in bed. Don't see the point in most things right now, which happens to include all important things. Just had it. ****s sake
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I have that exam tomorrow too
Tomorrows a new day you might feel better then. Idk. But good luck! Posted from TSR Mobile
to say i have no energy or motivation i walked 3 miles to get to placement and back today, and have to do the same tomorrow really hoping i get some money through soon, i can cope with this, my body feels so broken
feeling really down tonight, just want to curl up in a ball and just hide. not sure why, feel sick as well
really hoping i get some money through soon, i can cope with this, my body feels so broken feeling really down tonight, just want to curl up in a ball and just hide. not sure why, feel sick as well
Original post by avhhs
Well. Exam for Psychology PSYA1 is tomorrow morning. Can't get a lot of it in my head at all. In fact I'm currently lying in bed. Don't see the point in most things right now, which happens to include all important things. Just had it. ****s sake
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Original post by eddie4921
I have that exam tomorrow too Tomorrows a new day you might feel better then. Idk. But good luck!
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Tomorrows a new day you might feel better then. Idk. But good luck! Posted from TSR Mobile
Good luck guys! I hope it goes well for you.
Am doing psychology degree so if you have any sudden questions it is marginally possible that I will know the answer (feel free to try me).
