Pregnancy and Parenting Society Mark II

Pretty much the usual lifestyle things - making sure you're a normal BMI (especially if ?PCOS - although PCOS and acute ruptured cysts aren't the same thing - if you've needed surgery for cysts then the type of surgery/ovaries left behind and any complications like adhesions may be more relevant) & healthy lifestyle (cutting down or stopping smoking/alcohol and taking a supplement).

With the pill - although the theory is fertility can come back & you can conceive straight away... you might prefer to have some 'natural' periods first (which anecdotally can actually take a while to come back!) so you can 'date' any pregnancy from the last period, know when to be taking a test or know when to be having unprotected sex if you need/like to plan a little more than just being spontaneous!

About timing - it's an impossible one to say really... depends on so many variables!

General hypochondria about conceiving/pregnancy & wanting the option of a big family was a reason why we planned a specific age... that does seem to be earlier than our peers (although not particularly early across the whole population) & like it had suddenly arrived - but was to give some leeway if there were problems e.g. general decline in fertility with age, not being 'subfertile' till you've tried for a year & narrow windows of NHS fertility investigations/treatment.

I'd suggest just doing everything you can to make sure you're as healthy as you can be. Eat a healthy diet, do plenty of exercise..

Don't just have a baby asap, because you're not ready, and you don't even know if you have a problem! It might help to see your GP if you're really concerned, as they would be able to put your mind at rest or give you information.. but a lot of people worry about this, and then manage to conceive perfectly natural.

Keep coming so close to "time to try". Basically, I want to have somewhere to live first (helpful, obviously). I've been very close to buying a place so many times, but there's always something that goes wrong! Either a problem with the house, a delay in finance which means it gets sold to someone else.. nightmare.

Another issue is my partner. He has Asperger's Syndrome (but lives independently and you wouldn't know he had it unless you knew) and is really really worry about our child inheriting it. I'm in the "we'll love it no matter what" camp, but he's seen first hand what some kids with autism could go through, and if s/he does inherit it, there's no guarantee that it would be as mild as his.

I've done a heck of a lot of research and there's no definitive answers. I actually see this as a good thing- because it clearly can't be DEFINITE that it would be passed on if there is no study saying so. There is a lot to say that there is a familial LINK, but then there's a lot mentioned about it being passed through the woman rather than the man- in which case we're okay. Even the studies that say there is a link only suggest there's a 20-30% chance of the child being born autistic- which means that there's a 70-80% chance of them NOT being autistic, and even if they are in that minority there's another chance still that it won't be severe. To put you in the picture, he has a big family and only one of his cousins has autism. He says this proves there's a genetic link, but I'm fairly sure that the fact that there are lots of cousins (and even his own brother and parents) who DON'T have autism to show that it isn't anywhere near a certainty- and it might even be random and nothing to do with the fact they're related- because occurrence of autism isn't anywhere near as rare as he seems to think!

I keep trying to tell him that there's no point thinking like this. Of course everybody wants a perfect, healthy baby- but you really can't think so negatively when there isn't anything you can do other than go for it and see what happens. There are SO many things a child could be born with.. I'd think that autism was much less likely than other things, but he doesn't see it that way because of his experience.

So.. he wants to be a Dad.. but I know he's very scared about the autism thing, and it's very much putting a downer on the whole thing. He won't be able to enjoy trying (that sounds weird ha sorry) he will be on edge during the pregnancy and probably won't be as supportive as I'd like because he's not great with stress, and because autism only begins to show between the ages of around 18 months and 3 years he wouldn't be able to enjoy that time either! It's a ridiculous situation to be in. He even suggested getting a sperm donor so the child wouldn't be biologically his, but there's NO WAY I'm going down that route for something that seems so unlikely. And autism of various forms is so common anyway that there's every chance that some kind of gene would be passed down through the donor anyway!

SO SORRY for this rant, but this is a time I should be enjoying in my life, especially after everything I've been through, but that doesn't seem to be happening right now..!

Keep coming so close to "time to try". Basically, I want to have somewhere to live first (helpful, obviously). I've been very close to buying a place so many times, but there's always something that goes wrong! Either a problem with the house, a delay in finance which means it gets sold to someone else.. nightmare.

Another issue is my partner. He has Asperger's Syndrome (but lives independently and you wouldn't know he had it unless you knew) and is really really worry about our child inheriting it. I'm in the "we'll love it no matter what" camp, but he's seen first hand what some kids with autism could go through, and if s/he does inherit it, there's no guarantee that it would be as mild as his.

I've done a heck of a lot of research and there's no definitive answers. I actually see this as a good thing- because it clearly can't be DEFINITE that it would be passed on if there is no study saying so. There is a lot to say that there is a familial LINK, but then there's a lot mentioned about it being passed through the woman rather than the man- in which case we're okay. Even the studies that say there is a link only suggest there's a 20-30% chance of the child being born autistic- which means that there's a 70-80% chance of them NOT being autistic, and even if they are in that minority there's another chance still that it won't be severe. To put you in the picture, he has a big family and only one of his cousins has autism. He says this proves there's a genetic link, but I'm fairly sure that the fact that there are lots of cousins (and even his own brother and parents) who DON'T have autism to show that it isn't anywhere near a certainty- and it might even be random and nothing to do with the fact they're related- because occurrence of autism isn't anywhere near as rare as he seems to think!

I keep trying to tell him that there's no point thinking like this. Of course everybody wants a perfect, healthy baby- but you really can't think so negatively when there isn't anything you can do other than go for it and see what happens. There are SO many things a child could be born with.. I'd think that autism was much less likely than other things, but he doesn't see it that way because of his experience.

So.. he wants to be a Dad.. but I know he's very scared about the autism thing, and it's very much putting a downer on the whole thing. He won't be able to enjoy trying (that sounds weird ha sorry) he will be on edge during the pregnancy and probably won't be as supportive as I'd like because he's not great with stress, and because autism only begins to show between the ages of around 18 months and 3 years he wouldn't be able to enjoy that time either! It's a ridiculous situation to be in. He even suggested getting a sperm donor so the child wouldn't be biologically his, but there's NO WAY I'm going down that route for something that seems so unlikely. And autism of various forms is so common anyway that there's every chance that some kind of gene would be passed down through the donor anyway!

SO SORRY for this rant, but this is a time I should be enjoying in my life, especially after everything I've been through, but that doesn't seem to be happening right now..!

Could you talk to a Genetic Consellor and go down that route? Hope you get the house you want dont worry about stuff that gets in the way it just means that it wasnt the house for you.

Having lived with an adult with aspergers (my mum's boyfriend), this sounds like an obsession to me, and these do tend to pass in time, but the problem is time. Sometimes it is very difficult to get through to an autistic person when they've got something like this in their head, so I think that maybe a visit to a genetic counsellor could be a good idea as maybe the information coming from someone other than you might help to change his mind. Good luck!

Posting anonymously because a lot of people know me on here...

I've never posted in this thread before, I just need advise really, and the Pregnancy advise thread just seems to be full of pregnancy scares which isn't making me feel any better!

I had a miscarriage in January at six weeks, it absolutely devastated me and my other half - I've been able to distract myself with uni but he's still struggling a lot. Prior to the MC, he'd been saying a lot about how he wanted us to have kids and if uni wasn't an issue, he'd want them right now (I'm 18, he's a few years older). Since then, I've been desperate to try again, but he's not so keen on the idea. He's still desperate for kids, but I think it came as a reality check to him - that we don't have enough money and I'm not emotionally ready, and we need to both be out of uni first - whereas for me, the maternal instincts kicked in and I want a baby.

I've realised that it isn't just a baby that I want - it's that I want my baby back, the one we lost. I know this is unrealistic and definitely not the right reason to have a baby, and when I'm thinking rationally, I understand that, but when I see friends having kids at a young age and then saying how much they hate being pregnant or having to look after the baby 24/7 and how lucky I am to be able to be at uni when they're stuck at home, it hurts and I want to be like them, but I don't understand it - I'm doing well at uni and hoping to become a primary school teacher. I know exactly what I want to do with my life, but at the minute I'm stuck in this limbo of wanting a baby, but knowing it wouldn't be right, but wanting it anyway if anyone has any advice on how to overcome this, it'd be great, but otherwise thanks for the space to rant

I know exactly where you're coming from. I was in this exact situation (although I was 12 weeks) just over two years ago. It actually feels like yesterday sometimes. Did you mean to get pregnant the first time? I didn't, didn't want the baby, went for a scan, fell in love, then MCd. It was horrendous. Part of me thought that the baby could tell I didn't want him/her and therefore didn't bother. Although obviously now I know that's rubbish.

I tried to get pregnant very very quickly after the MC. It's as though there's suddenly a huge hole that needs to be filled in your life, even though I personally probably wouldn't be thinking about babies even now, 2 years on, if it hadn't happened! It sounds ridiculous, but time is the best healer. I had to go through all of the anniversaries- Mother's Day, Father's Day, baby's due date, my birthday, the day I MCd, Christmas.. and for about a year I was in constant "what could/should have been" mode. But then, and I genuinely don't know when this happened, I changed. I decided that yes I wanted children, but my priority would be to sort myself out so that I could cope when it did happen. I lost 10 stone in weight to make my body physically able to cope, got a degree, got a job, saved up to buy a flat.. and now I'm all but ready. I know now that when it does happen I will cope. It will be hard of course, but it always is. If I'd had a baby straight after the MC it might have been the end of me. It wouldn't have helped me cope with all the emotions a MC brings, and would have caused all the stress that being a new parent causes at the best of times.

You're not ready for a baby. You need time to grieve for the child you lost. Make sure you speak to people about it. I decided my baby was a boy, and gave him a name, and I found that helped a lot, as it feels like a proper loss rather than just a taboo subject that nobody knows how to deal with. In fact, just writing this I've realised that the 15th June, which was the due date (so baby's birthday) is only 2 weeks away- and up until now I hadn't even thought about it. Last year I was in bits from about Feb thinking about what it was going to feel like. But I'm fine now.

Time will heal, and you will be a brilliant parent when the time is right. xx

Thank you so much for your reply, I really appreciate it.

The pregnancy was completely unplanned and a total surprise; I was in so much shock that I didn't tell anyone until after the MC. Even now, only my partner, a few close friends and a lecturer know anything about it, and my other half sometimes feels hurt that I didn't feel able to tell him. I haven't felt able to tell my family, and I don't think I ever will. My parents are fantastic and so supportive, but I think they'd be angry at me for not telling them more than anything.

I love kids, I love babies, I love being around them - I want to teach nursery age children so being around them just brightens my day - and yet, even though I saw loads of people from my year in school having kids, I never wanted to get pregnant so early - I knew I wanted kids, but not at 18. And yet when I found out I was pregnant, it was suddenly like everything had changed, and suddenly I was certain that we could work it out and everything would be fine.

Thinking about milestones etc really does hurt, as I never went to the doctors I never got a proper due date but going from my calculations I'd have been due around the end of August, and as it gets closer and closer I'm dreading it. I know I'm not ready deep down, but it's like there's this battle going on in my head. Given half the chance, I know my other half would jump at the opportunity to have a baby, and it's so hard to try and remind myself that I'm not ready for a child, I just want to feel how I felt when I realised I was pregnant. This rush of emotion just took over, and it's not entirely gone yet, which is difficult.

We also decided to make him a baby, rather than calling him "it" or "the miscarriage" - we decided he was a boy and named him, and I have the initial on a charm bracelet, so he's always with me and no-one has to know what the initial stands for, but I know that's him

Again, thanks for the incredibly supportive post. I'm so sorry that you've gone through this too, but I really appreciate the advice and support xx

I have a question for people who have children.. would you advise against bringing up a child in a flat? Does anyone do so, or did anyone live in a flat when they were young? Only because I'm about to buy one for my boyfriend to live in (we can't live together at present, long story, but I'm needed at home) and it would of course be easier if I could just move in when I'm ready, but if it's not suitable to bring up a child in then I'm wondering whether it's worth it if we'd only have to move in a few years anyway (or however long it takes).

Hi

I hope you don't mind me pitching in but I thought that I might be able to help with this one. As Brighton is a really expensive city I have loads of friends who live with young children in flats. Some have gardens and some don't. They all seem to cope fine. The only thing that has come up with them is that sometimes if there isn't a lift (or more commonly it breaks) getting pushchairs up and down stairs can be tricky. However other than that they just take them out to parks etc

You're welcome . I didn't tell my partner either at first, because I didn't want it, and didn't want the complication of him thinking anything differently. The only people I told were two friends from uni and two from home. One of my friends was absolutely amazing, but she has children so completely didn't know why I didn't want it! Anyway, boyfriend found out afterwards, not from me (which will make me seriously consider who I tell things to in future, but never mind) and we talked. He was hurt, but knows why I couldn't go to him about it. We split up over it, because it was messing me up, but as soon as he found out he came round to talk and we got back together again. He insisted on telling his parents and some of his friends and family, because they hated me for leaving him (I was horrible about it, I'm ashamed of myself, but I wasn't in the right mind at the time) and he knew they'd never accept me back into the family unless he told them.

The only problem now is that I'm on constant edge whenever someone who knows comes into contact with my family. Plans for the future come up regularly in conversation, everyone knows I want kids, and I'm terrified of someone saying "are you scared incase you MC again" in front of my parents. I know it's unlikely, as it's not the kind of thing people just throw into conversation, but I know it would absolutely kill them to find out (that I hadn't told them more than anything else), and I've worked my own way through it so there's no reason for them to know now.

I have a charm bracelet initial too!! . It's good to know that we know what it means, even if nobody else does, or ever will. I'm glad you said that actually, because my partner thinks it's odd to behave in this way for something that was probably the size of a credit card, maybe even a bit smaller, but to me it wouldn't have mattered if it was 1 day pregnant or 12 weeks.. as soon as I saw the scan it was my baby.

Anniversaries WILL be hard, but only the first time. Make sure you're kept busy. I arranged a crazy day out on the day the baby should have been born, and I managed to forget about it at times. I'm spending the day (in 6 days time, eek) on my own this year, as my partner is away, but I genuinely think I will be okay.

Feel free to quote me to chat any time . It may be a while before I see it, as we don't get notified for anons, but I pop in and out of here every few days so I will see it eventually!