Mental Health Support Society Mk X

So im still like all alive and ****. I'm sorry. People are involved in me again. They're all worried and even though they’re paid to worry they are still people and my care coordinator keeps welling up whenever i tell her something and twice she has actual cried and ****. She says she thinks im really strong and one of the bravest people she has worked with and **** she is so wrong but she thinks she actually cares and im just going to upset her even more

come on you know deep down none of this **** is your fault. You can't control what other people do huggggg

Whesht.. it is really. Yeah I can't control other people's actions but can control the situation and the environment surrounding it all..

Nope you can't anything can happen anywhere.. unless you have psychic powers its not your fault plus I said so, so it's definitely not your fault can't argue with that

So im still like all alive and ****. I'm sorry. People are involved in me again. They're all worried and even though they’re paid to worry they are still people and my care coordinator keeps welling up whenever i tell her something and twice she has actual cried and ****. She says she thinks im really strong and one of the bravest people she has worked with and **** she is so wrong but she thinks she actually cares and im just going to upset her even more

When's your exam? Take a break for a bit and give yourself some space from the revision - panicking about it isn't going to be conducive to anything. Chill out, watch a Charlotte-centric episode of 'Private Practice' (I suggest one of the season 6 ones) and then try again. You do know stuff for this exam I'm sure, but I suspect panicking that you don't is probably making it harder to focus. I'm on Skype if you want to talk.

The exam is on Tuesday afternoon, so I have tomorrow. I'm not even really panicking... It's more that I know I don't know anything but still working isn't making it go in, if that makes sense. I'm not on Skype atm as not really feeling up to conversation, but thanks for the offer. Will likely be around later.

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I don't deserve people (in real life) being so nice to me and supportive and stuff. Feeling so conflicted and grateful and angry and sad and I hate myself and everyone else except people keep being lovely. Am so angry with myself that I keep being me at people, when they could have nice me-less lives and it would be so so much better.

Thanks. After **** happened with this person, I've had a ****load of support from friends at uni who are even more awesome than I thought they were. Now have a grand total of two people that are happy to sit with me during flashbacks and/or if I'm not doing too well depression-wise, which takes me back up to an almost healthy quota. When I first saw the message from this person I was really upset because a) I thought it was my fault, and b) I thought other friends would side with her, but in reality neither of those things are true/have happened, so things are ok.

At the moment, I just have hospital appointments every three months and email contact inbetween. I might look into switching hospital clinics to the one close to uni (atm I go during the holidays) for more regular appointments.. I think they have a better reputation as well, so might work out all round. The big problem is though, I kind of know what I should be doing with regards to taking medications and adjusting dosages, I'm just not doing it right. I'm not even sure whether I'm not doing it for EDish reasons or lack of motivation or what.. It's not that clear to me. I just seem to have given up a bit on physical health. I've spoken to GPs and psychiatrist and therapist about it and they all seem to think it would be pretty unrealistic to be this ill mentally and still looking after myself physically, it just so happens that for most young people with depression physical neglect = erratic eating and poor sleep/self-care, but for me it's a bit more dangerous..

Hope you're doing alright.

Cannot stop worrying today.
Got an exam on Tuesday I feel okayish about and then one of Thursday I am dreading.
I really need to do more revision for Tuesday but I have so much to do before Thursday. Lit exam that is closed book, studied two selections of poems that add up to about 50 poems and a play, all of which I need be able to quote confidently from, as well as critics quotes. I know the play super well and can quote that easily but with the poetry... One selection I am confidentish with but the other selection I can only even remember the names of about half the poems let alone what happens in them. I'm really freaking out because I just can't seem to learn these quotes and I'm so stressed about this exam and I just HAVE to do well so that I can escape from around here and all the triggers and all the memories and just go to uni. Just don't know what to do I've worked myself into such a state about it that there's barely any point trying. I will fail this exam if I go into it with one selection this poorly failed. I ****ing hate this I don't know what to do and I keep wanting to talk to mum about the possibility of me throwing this year and having to put off uni for a year but I've been putting it off because she's going to flip out at me and think I'm a failure and now I know I HAVE to talk to her because right now I am gonna fail this exam but I can't because she's on holiday and just **** **** ****. I am about to break under the pressure and I am about to lose control.

havent posted in a while - somehow got logged out, and never got round to logging back in

EDish

Feel like I've let myself and everyone down

I know its not a good path to take. I'm so annoyed at myself .. yet there's a part of my brain thats satisfied. Ugh :'(

So im still like all alive and ****. I'm sorry. People are involved in me again. They're all worried and even though they’re paid to worry they are still people and my care coordinator keeps welling up whenever i tell her something and twice she has actual cried and ****. She says she thinks im really strong and one of the bravest people she has worked with and **** she is so wrong but she thinks she actually cares and im just going to upset her even more

First negative comment. Trying not to care. I will stay strong. I did this for a reason - to be the person I want to be. I am me. People can judge me and tell me I'm wrong, but it isn't their hair, it's mine, and I can do what I want with it.

Was this the best thing to do? Can I take negative comments? Am I ready for this? I'm worried now that I'm going to spend the whole night thinking about it and getting myself worked up.

Need to stay positive.

One thing I tried when trying to memorise a Russian oral exam was to record myself, then try and say each bit with the recording there to prompt me if I needed it. Might help if you try a different style of learning, as not everyone's suited to just reading things out of a book.
Good luck with both your exams.

x

I'm alright - managed to write 600 out of 750 words of Spanish due in Monday which I'm pretty pleased about - it's easy stuff, but has required way more concentration than I thought I had in me.

I fail at being a human being. Losing my grip

Hopefully this is going to make me feel more confident about myself. Step one is looking how I want to look. I really hope that helps me feel how I want to feel!



Right now I'm feeling good, although a bit anxious about the rubber bands. I have heard horror stories about rubber bands, about them melting into hair etc. I'm keeping them in until I need to wash my hair again (washed this morning so won't be for a couple of days at least) and if my dreads don't fall out I'll take the bands out.

I dont feel like I'm ill though .. its like I cant accept it and I know I need to, in order to truly start beating this. I guess the diagnosis was a step in the right direction but I feel like I dont believe it.
Thank you for the support and thanks for the luck in the exam .. gonna need it !!

I am actually going to try this because it's a brilliant idea + exactly what I did for GCSE when I had to memorise sections of German.
I just wish my memory was better. I need an A in this exam to get into the uni I want to, and I've been doing that with the texts, I just can't memorise the quotes to write about xD. I will try this though & I think it will help, so thank you so much!

My exam could have been much worse, thanks for asking
And now for summerrrrr

Let me know if you need anyone to look over it