Christian guys - no sex before marriage?

I'm a Christian girl myself but undecided on the whole abstinence thing. Was just wondering if it was the case for all Christian guys or not (I converted to Christianity recently so don't know that many). I know some who definitely are and some who definitely aren't, but was wondering if there was a general stance on the matter and this isn't really the sort of thing you want to go around asking people at church.

Will some Christian guys do sexual things (like heavy making out/even stuff like oral) but just not actual intercourse? Or will most not go beyond hugging and kissing? If I'm dating a Christian guy, should I not be too forwards when touching him etc. so as to not offend him? Sorry to be so blunt, but I'm just curious. Personally I couldn't picture marrying someone without ensuring some degree of sexual compatibility, though I might very well choose to be abstinent from certain things before marriage.

(Note: This is *not* a thread on whether not having sex before marriage/being Christian "makes sense" or not, so please don't discuss those issues; I don't want it to go off topic. Thanks.)

Reply 1

Tufto

Depends on the person. I think the general attitude among most of us is that while casual sex is wrong, it's fine if you're in a serious relationship.

Reply 2

ktsmiffy

I think it depends on the guy. I know some that are waiting for marriage, and some that are a bit more lenient with their relationships. But it really does come down to the boundaries you both set together. :smile:

Reply 3

The_Lonely_Goatherd

It really does vary from person to person. I imagine for the sake of not offending, it might be better to let the guy initiate things beyond kissing and hand holding, just in case you have inadvertently chosen a Christian male with strong belief about these things.

Generally speaking though, there are also men out there willing to disregard that rule entirely, or who take an "everything but" approach :yes:

Reply 4

Anonymous #1

Original post by ktsmiffy

The_Lonely_Goatherd

Thanks

How do you bring it up without sounding like you're too liberal/conservative, though? Also, will most Christian guys be offended by stuff like initiating French kissing and so on? I haven't had any serious boyfriends but I have a tendency to be quite forward with them - do you think they'd mind it if I started doing stuff like that or should I make it clear I'm not expecting it to lead to sleeping with them first? Sorry for all the questions :biggrin:

Reply 5

The_Lonely_Goatherd

Original post by Anonymous

Thanks

I'm afraid I have no idea as to how you'd bring it up - I've still not been in a relationship yet :colondollar:

Good luck though in your journey. I'll certainly be praying for you :jebus:

Reply 6

Zarek

I imagine most could be tempted in to more sinfull ways with a bit of effort...

Reply 7

Anonymous #1

Original post by The_Lonely_Goatherd

I'm afraid I have no idea as to how you'd bring it up - I've still not been in a relationship yet :colondollar:

Good luck though in your journey. I'll certainly be praying for you :jebus:

Thank you, will be praying for you too :smile:

Zarek

I imagine most could be tempted in to more sinfull ways with a bit of effort...

As much as I know you're joking you do have a point! I am generally pretty sexually forward (before turning Christian, I used to regularly make out with guys on nights out while drunk, though I never actually went home with any). While it's nice to feel very confident that way, I'm worried that I'd be so pushy I'd end up "tempting" a Christian guy into doing something he wasn't comfortable with, which he'd then resent me for.

Reply 8

ktsmiffy

I think the best advice I've ever been given is to actually, as a couple, sit down and discuss your boundaries. That's a good way to both get your opinions voiced. That way, when everything is on the table, you can be accountable to each other.
Also, something I've found useful is having a mentor to be accountable to while you're in a relationship. :smile:

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Reply 9

Anonymous #1

Original post by ktsmiffy

I think the best advice I've ever been given is to actually, as a couple, sit down and discuss your boundaries. That's a good way to both get your opinions voiced. That way, when everything is on the table, you can be accountable to each other.

Also, something I've found useful is having a mentor to be accountable to while you're in a relationship. :smile:

Great advice, thanks :smile:

When do you have the talk, though? I mean, with non-Christian boyfriends I've been used to at least a French kiss here and there and stuff like walking around with our arms around each others' waists or something afterwards. At what point should you say something?

I'm not so sure about the mentor idea; wouldn't it be really awkward to relate everything you'd done to someone? To be honest, I am probably never going to have sex before I get married, so that specifically isn't much of an issue. It's just the question of how far you can go doing other stuff. I can see how even heavy petting and so on might offend a Christian guy.

Reply 10

Zarek

But Sexual urges are strong and I recollect a number of Christian girls I knew succumbing to temptation - and for guys I guess the resistance is lower. Personally doesn't seem wrong to me, at least in the context of a relationship. From what I see frustrating these urges leads to more problems.

(edited 10 years ago)

Reply 11

Anonymous #1

Original post by Zarek

I jest a little :smile:

I might have stronger sexual urges than the guy, but that's not the issue here, it's that I obviously wouldn't want to pressurise/"tempt" someone into something they weren't comfortable with.

Reply 12

ktsmiffy

At the point you feel you're going 'too far', what ever that may be for you, you should say something. Sitting down and discussing it may be awkward but if you go beyond what you guys feel comfortable, that will be more uncomfortable, and potentionally destructive in your relationship.

As for the mentor thing- you don't have to relay specifics unless you feel ok. I personally didn't because I wanted it to be kept private. But I talked about sex before marriage etc with my mentor as a whole so that I could get my own boundaries straight in my head, if that makes sense?

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Reply 13

Harrie Lyons

I'm catholic so for me any form of sexual pleasure is a mortal sin (outside marriage obviously). Simple Kissing is actually debated amongst theologians, there are those that say that if even sexual fantasies are mortal sins, how much more so physical contact? Then there is the other half that says they aren't doing anything intrinsically sinful (ppl hug and in some countries kiss all the time with no sexual connotations etc). I've read both opinions but I get the feeling that the second is more common nowadays. I myself havent encountered this problem yet, never having had a girlfriend

Reply 14

Ebuwa

I think you can't have your cake and eat it eg oral sex but you won't sleep together til marriage.
If you can discipline yourself then I think kissing blah blah is ok, the problem is when it leads to other things. Some christians have abstained from kissing til marriage.
There are ways to be initimate without having sex. For me sexual compatibility is not the end nor the foundation of my relationship. Spritually compatibility is.

Reply 15

closet_nerd

Have you thought of reading Christian dating books? Some books are designed for Christian couples to read together and there are some specifically for women. There is a massive range out there so I'm sure you'd be able to find something helpful. If you go to church you could always ask someone (an older married woman or member of staff) for a recommendation.
I don't know of many (I'm a bit young to consider having a relationship :wink:

) but I know members of my family have read 'I kissed dating goodbye', 'boy meets girl'... There are several more which I can't think of off the top of my head :smile: