Hi, I don't always use this site, but I'm sort of desperate/sad/pathetic/loser-ish so I thought I'd turn to it.
I'm currently in my third year of uni. I've always tried my best to be a bit of a "high-flyer", always aiming for firsts, but always being disappointed by the fact that I got 2.1's in my first and second year. I applied and was accepted onto masters programs at two very good London universities, and when I started my third year, I was determined to do well. I picked modules I thought would be good for me, and set about working on them as diligently as I could, sacrificing any semblance of a social life in order to get where I needed to go. Unbeknownst to me, I had started suffering symptoms of depression at around mid November; I've always been "emotional" and a worrier, but it reached its breaking point during Christmas. I had 15,000 words to hand in at the very beginning of January, and I only had three weeks to do them, and try as I might to start early, nothing was materializing. As the weeks were slipping away, I'd gotten to 27th of December and nothing had been written, despite my best efforts. I had several panic attacks and nervous breakdowns and attempted suicide several times during that period. After speaking to my doctor, I managed to get a two week extension on my work, and I tried to hand everything in, but the strain of what had gone on kept mounting to the extent that I had further attacks. I managed to get my work for the first semester extended to August and managed to go ahead with my second semester as planned. I completed and submitted four essays whilst undergoing psychotherapy. However, during an exam, in the first few minutes, I had another panic attack and walked out; this, too, has now been extended to August. I got the results for my four essays, and managed to scrape together a high 2.1 for the second semester, which I'm pleased with, all things considered.
Now I'm trying to get on with my work for the first semester, and I feel myself becoming increasingly upset, stressed, angry, frustrated, bored, lazy and lethargic. I'm also incredibly scared to pick up the pen or put finger to keyboard and start writing. This is because not only am I scared that what I write will ultimately suck and won't get me that precious first I covet, but also because I'm incredibly resentful that, whilst everybody else has their degrees, have graduated, and are now enjoying freedom and sunshine and celebrations, I'm stuck in doors or at the library, doing essays I don't want to do in order to get a degree that will let me do another degree.
I've talked about taking a year off, starting the year over again, but I couldn't afford it. I've talked about abandoning the degree altogether, but that would be a complete waste. I feel trapped on all sides, and I've taken to taking my frustration and anger out by hitting myself violently on the head. I try to control it, but I don't know what I can do to get out of this repetitious hole I'm stuck in. I feel like I've made my family miserable, and that they keep trying to push me into doing work (for my best interests, mind you) but I simply don't know if I can.
I don't really know why I typed this here, I just needed to tell somebody my story. If there's any help or advice you can give, it would be really appreciated. I'm desperate for this to end, and even though I know when the deadline for this work is, the concept of doing it is like pulling teeth (I've done all the reading and the secondary work on it, the plans and the arguments, everything - it's just the writing that proves to be a perpetual block).
I never wanted my degree to end like this, and it wasn't supposed to end like this, and all I can do is whine. I'm ****ing miserable, man.
TY
*Sorry, I posted this in a thread of its own before I saw this, thought I might as well just post it here too. Sorry if it annoys anyone*