Ask Me Anything: I am polyamorous

The thing with poly, is that it is multiple love. I feel that I am capable of loving more than one person at one time without having feelings diminished for anyone else.

For instance, I love my partner. Now if I date someone and fall in love, I don't love my partner any less. I have just grown my capacity to love.

I personally have a primary relationship and that person is my priority and I am their priority. Which means that our relationship with each other always comes first.

Good question

Polygamy has some very negative connotations in the Western world. Mostly due to the Mormon extremists in the Western USA. It's something that most people try to distance themselves far away from.

If polygamy and polyandry were legal would I consider it?....right now I don't think so, but I can't tell how I would feel in 20/30/40 years.

I am in relationship with someone now, and have been for years. They are my 'primary' relationship which means they come first. So even though I am poly, I am committed to that primary partner just in a non-traditional way. They come first, their opinion comes first, we set out rules together, etc. If I see someone outside the relationship, it is with their full knowledge. If my primary partner was to suddenly not be ok with something, then we may decide to go back to monogamy for a period of weeks, months or years to strengthen our relationship.

Would I want to commit to two or more people at once? That's a hard one, because on one hand, I can see myself living with more than one person but because I don't see commitment in the traditional, monogamous sense it doesn't makes sense to me to get married to multiple people when I already am committed to them. Kind of like those couples who never get married as it's 'just a piece of paper'. In terms of committing to someone for life though, yes I am capable of making that commitment.

I've always been poly but I've never had the chance to have a poly relationship. I'm in a monogamous relationship now and I love my boyfriend, but the whole thing doesn't make me happy. We've been together for two years, but I'm also in love with someone else at the moment who is in love with me too and would be up for a poly relationship. It would be perfect for me to have a relationship with both of them but my current boyfriend wouldn't agree with it. Have you ever been in a situation like that? what would you do?

Coming 'out' as poly to my partner and some family members was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. I have a lot of respect for people who are bisexual, gay, transgendered, etc and also polyamorous. It's not easing swimming against the tide in society.

Do your partners ever meet?

How do they react?

Are you sexually different with either partner? For example are you more adventurous with your primary partner? Is their anything you would do with your primary partner but not your auxiliary?

In my opinion I wouldn't say these things are the same. Again, this is just my opinion and I'm not trying to flame you, just sparking a debate.

I feel that being gay, bi, trans, etc are all ingrained sexual orientations, whereas being poly seems to me to just be that you aren't anchored by the rules imposed by society as others. I mean, plenty of people repeatedly cheat on partners - other than the fact you say from the onset you are poly, I think, given the opportunity, most people would have their cake and eat it too. That is to say that I think that, if single, most men would/do openly have sex/relationships with several females (for example), it's just you carry it through to the relationship stage with multiple.

What are your thoughts on this?

does that mean that your never going to get married or have children? as how could you get married to one but still love the others. Have some men stopped dating you once you explained the circumstances?

I know this wasn't addressed to me, but I'd argue that polyamory can be just as deep-seated. I'd always imagined I'd never have a long-term relationship with anybody, as I simply couldn't imagine being with one person and that being it. It wasn't till I realised I could find other people who were willing to have multiple partners that I felt comfortable with having any kind of relationship at all.

In my opinion I wouldn't say these things are the same. Again, this is just my opinion and I'm not trying to flame you, just sparking a debate.

I feel that being gay, bi, trans, etc are all ingrained sexual orientations, whereas being poly seems to me to just be that you aren't anchored by the rules imposed by society as others. I mean, plenty of people repeatedly cheat on partners - other than the fact you say from the onset you are poly, I think, given the opportunity, most people would have their cake and eat it too. That is to say that I think that, if single, most men would/do openly have sex/relationships with several females (for example), it's just you carry it through to the relationship stage with multiple.

What are your thoughts on this?

I know this wasn't addressed to me, but I'd argue that polyamory can be just as deep-seated. I'd always imagined I'd never have a long-term relationship with anybody, as I simply couldn't imagine being with one person and that being it. It wasn't till I realised I could find other people who were willing to have multiple partners that I felt comfortable with having any kind of relationship at all.

This concept is too much for me to get my head around, haha. Fair play to you for living the way you want, and I respect you put all the cards on the table at the onset.

For me, personally, I don't think it's something I could do. I love my girlfriend and she loves me, I know right now neither of us are particularly jealous people, but I think that'd soon go out the window. Is your current partner the same orientation as you? I.e. does he/she go on dates with others, etc?

In that reply I wasn't comparing the two but saying I have respect for people who are poly and have other things going on.

I can definitely see how poly comes across as 'free-love' and doing away with social boundaries and a choice. I would probably say for some people it is, especially the types who go into poly as a guise just to cheat.

For most polyamorous people, it is a deep seated issue. You feel caged and suffocated in a monogamous relationship even if it is an amazing one. I personally had a lot of hate for myself coming to terms with being poly, I hated that I couldn't just be happy and 'normal' like everyone else. I never felt 100% happy and and I felt judged and marginalised by society.

Is it the same? I've no idea. I'm straight so I can't really draw those kind of comparisons. I only know my own experiences. It is an interesting point of discussion though.

Thanks

Yes I was in a committed, monogamous relationship when I first came out as poly. In fact, the one I am in now as I have been with my partner for several years. My partner took a year to fully understand and come to terms with the idea, but was then ok, accepting and interested. In this year, I stayed totally monogamous as I always had done and always answered questions truthfully and never become defensive. It was hard on both sides. I cried a lot over how I felt, feeling that there was something wrong with me, worried about how people would feel, if people would judge me...I even questioned if I was unhappy in the relationship and we should break up.

I went to a support group at a local LGBT centre near my house. I drove there, having a meltdown on the way thinking about having to vocalise how I felt because that would make it more real. I sat in the car and cried for a few minutes, pulled myself together and then, sitting in the car park realised I was a day early and the meeting was until the next day Not my finest moment! But an important thing to understand, that poly people aren't just people who want to 'cheat with permission'. We are very conscious of how we feel and how we make others feel.

I'm 'out' to my siblings who were very supportive, my sister especially. They asked a few questions and we chatted a bit about it and that was it.

I'm not out to my parents and I don't know if I ever will be. I live a very separate life from them both and I don't feel I need their approval. Plus I have that fear of being a disappointment to them.

Friends I'm not out to all of them yet, but luckily I have a great group of friends who, if I told would probably say 'yeah, we guessed'.

I can see where you're coming from, I guess. My point was that most people who could happily be in a single-partner relationship could probably be in a multiple partner relationship too if the opportunity arose.

If you're poly, does that mean you don't get jealous of your partner if they had multiple partners, or?!

You make a good point, I see where you're coming from.

I guess it sucks to be poly as the world is pretty much designed for mono couples, i.e. some things you need joint bank accounts, parenting, many legal things, etc.

As I asked another Poly above: Does being poly make you slightly immune to jealousy, or are you are vulnerable as the rest of us?