Ask Me Anything: I am polyamorous

Original post by Anonymous

No, never. First time sex with a person is usually awkward I find. I would much rather have sex with my primary who has known me for years and who I know everything about. I'm lucky that we've never had a dull sex life and to be honest, knowing exactly what your partner likes is always sexier than a different bedroom move.

What if you've been with this 'new' partner for a while, you've been intimate enough times to not feel awkward/unusual, and they're supa-dupa amazing?

Hypothetically speaking, IF something like that happened what would you do?

Reply 82

rmhumphries

17

Original post by Splenge007

What if you've been with this 'new' partner for a while, you've been intimate enough times to not feel awkward/unusual, and they're supa-dupa amazing?

Hypothetically speaking, IF something like that happened what would you do?

In most cases, then technique plays a bigger part than physical attributes. As such, then you can guide the primary to be better.

Reply 83

danny111

3

Original post by Hanvyj

Why does it make it 'seem' ok and not just be ok? If both people are truthful, and want to - it is hardly cheating!

The first sentence, pretty much in a crude way seems to describe it. It's not an excuse for anything... Because it is ok...

What isn't ok about it?

If the people involved all know it and are fine with it.

But one I find that hard to believe over a prolonged period and two the vast majority of people would not be ok with this.

Reply 84

Hanvyj

17

Original post by danny111

If the people involved all know it and are fine with it.

But one I find that hard to believe over a prolonged period and two the vast majority of people would not be ok with this.

Hmm, That they all know and are fine with it kind of is a requirement... As OP said, otherwise yeah its is cheating.

Regarding the second one: Yeah, probably because most people are monogolomous (whatever lol) and don't want open relationships! Then they wouldn't be in a polywhatever relationship.

Reply 85

Ellim

11

Original post by jarasta

you can argue that the love I have for my child or sibling is not the same love I have for a romantic partner. The fact that some people aren't capable of multiple love can be seen maybe in the cases were people fall in love with someone else, then fall out of love with their current lover.

Of course you can argue that. I was merely pointing out that in terms of amount of love a person has is not finite - whether one individual personally wants to/can love multiple people in a romantic fashion.

Reply 86

Original post by Ellim

Of course you can argue that. I was merely pointing out that in terms of amount of love a person has is not finite - whether one individual personally wants to/can love multiple people in a romantic fashion.

I was merely pointing out an opposing argument, I don't want to argue. Sure the person can theoretically love infinitely many people, but that's not to say,certain types of love,like romantic love can be for more than one person for some people.
But yh I don't really want to argue about this :P

Reply 87

Ellim

11

Original post by jarasta

But yh I don't really want to argue about this :P

I honestly didn't mean for that to come across as argumentative, if it did.

But the point of this thread is that the OP and other polyamourous people can and do love a number of people simultaneously. I don't see the value of pointing out that 'yes but some people do only love one person romantically at a time.' But, anyway.

Reply 88

OP

Original post by Ham22

It makes sense in that it's the best conditions for raising children.

Says Western society? It's certainly not the norm in other cultures, hence the saying "It takes a village to raise a child." A lot of cultures around the world do not see raising a child as something between two individuals.

Original post by Ham22

I'd like to see how a society that encourages this behaviour fares long term.

This is a study based around seven long term polyamorous relationships.

http://www.kinseyinstitute.org/library/e-text/Cook_Elaine.pdf

I personally know someone who has been in a committed, polyamorous relationship with two people for over 15 years. They have an amazing relationship.

As a society, polyamoury has existed as long as monogamy has, so it's fared quite well historically. During the Chou dynasty (770 - 222 BC), women were encouraged by society to engage in relationships and sexual relationship with other women, but men were denied the ability to do so.

In more recent history, in the 1600s men there was a decree in Germany that said that every man was allowed to marry up to ten women. The men were told to behave honorably, provide for their wives properly, and prevent animosity among them.

There have been many, many cultures that practice polyamory through history and now in the modern day.

Original post by Ham22

I think this thread is ridiculous.

I'm sorry you find something outside your comfort level ridiculous. That really says more about you.

Original post by Ham22

This isn't an orientation, it's just selfishness and failure to commit.

So the definition for 'selfish' is.... Lacking consideration for others; concerned chiefly with one's own personal profit or pleasure.

So with polyamorous people, the first part of the definition certainly isn't true. Could the second part be? concerned chiefly with one's own personal profit and pleasure? Yes, I think some poly people could be defined as selfish, just as some monogamous people can be.

Being selfish gives the impression that I am somehow keeping everything for myself. When I am open to my partner going out and exploring the fact he can love other people then that is perhaps one of the least selfish things you could ever do.

What is selfish about wanting your partner to love openly as much as they want to? It seems to me to be the least selfish way to love a person. Some people would say a selfish relationship is one where you demand that your partner love you and only you no matter who else they may want to explore feelings for.

As for a failure to commit, polyamorous people are very committed and most have long term relationships. If you aren't able to commit to one person, then you really can't commit to more than one person.

Original post by Ham22

And to put it alongside homosexuality etc is also ridiculous. Op, this is not an orientation and you don't deserve a special status with special protections like homosexuality does. You're not getting it from me.

I never compared it to homosexuality, but it IS a sexual orientation.

As I have previously said in this thread: Is it the same? I've no idea. I'm straight so I can't really draw those kind of comparisons. I only know my own experiences. It is an interesting point of discussion though."

It's funny because someone asked in this thread if I have been judged for my choices, and you are proof of that.

Original post by Ham22

Do you cosy up to people already in other relationships? And then pout when these people and their partners are not 'open minded'?

No, because I'm not interested in people who are in strict monogamous relationships. I have a lot of respect for other people's relationships and I would never even try and cross a boundary like that. That quite a bizarre statement to make. Why would a polyamorous person be interested in someone in a monogamous relationship?

From your response, it sounds like you are deeply worried about your own security and fidelities. Using emotive emotion like 'cosy up' and calling it 'selfish' makes me think that you have been cheated on, or have concerns about infidelity, lying, distrust and disrespect. If you have gone through any of that, then I'm sorry. Cheating, that is being with someone outside of your relationship while not telling the person, sneaking around, etc is the lowest of the low. No one deserves it and people who cheat are just cowards.

Reply 89

g_star_raw_1989

15

OP, have your read Sex at Dawn?

Reply 90

OP

Original post by g_star_raw_1989

OP, have your read Sex at Dawn?

No I haven't, but it has been recommend by some poly people.

Reply 91

g_star_raw_1989

15

Original post by Anonymous

No I haven't, but it has been recommend by some poly people.

I'm not poly but I've read and it is interesting- you might enjoy it.

Reply 92

OP

Original post by Birkenhead

You say you are happy with your life and, from the tone of things, with your sexuality, but does this being posted anonymously not suggest some element of shame or at least embarrassment for being polyamorous?

I did think about that, because I didn't want to give the wrong impression.

I'm a well known member on the forum, I wanted people to be very open in their questions and opinions to me without knowing who I am influence their decisions. For instance, what Ham22 wrote to me probably would never have been written had I been under my actual username. :smile:

Reply 93

OP

Original post by g_star_raw_1989

I'm not poly but I've read and it is interesting- you might enjoy it.

Thanks, I appreciate that. You sound like a pretty well put together person to be reading books like that when you don't necessarily agree with it. For a lot of people, if they don't agree with someone they throw hate into it rather than trying to understand it.

Reply 94

g_star_raw_1989

15

Original post by Anonymous

Thanks, I appreciate that. You sound like a pretty well put together person to be reading books like that when you don't necessarily agree with it. For a lot of people, if they don't agree with someone they throw hate into it rather than trying to understand it.

I heard the author (Dr Chris Ryan) speak on a podcast and he seemed interesting so I read the book which was iye opening. I'm pretty open-minded, monogamy is a strange concept when you really think about it. Nothing wrong with being poly, by the sounds of it you're in an open and honest relationship.

Reply 95

OP

Original post by Kazbian

Anyway a question: What is your view on monogamous people? Do you wonder how we can only commit to one person? The thought of committing to more than one person to me personally feels very bizarre and nearly impossible. Do you feel the same way about monogamous relationships for you?

Good question. Some polyamorous people see monogamous people as 'in the dark', less highly evolved, etc. That poly is the way forward and somehow monogamous people are fooling themselves.

I don't believe this and I think it's quite rude to have a 'holier than thou' view over people who practice monogamy. I can fully appreciate that is how some people are happy and what they want. It doesn't affect me, so I don't have the right to judge it, but with a rapidly rising divorce and cheating rate amongst people who are monogamous I have to wonder why.

Associated Press, Journal of Marital and Family Therapy published in 2012 had these statistics:

Attachment not found

You can read it here, but as it's a published journal it isn't free.

http://www.questia.com/library/p61536/journal-of-marital-and-family-therapy/i2475388/vol-24-no-3-july

I think these statistics are quite sad. Do I think all these people should be polyamorous? No. I do think though, that they should never have got to the stage where they were dishonest and cheated with their partners. Polyamoury shouldn't be so taboo that people think it is better to cheat and not get caught than be honest with their partners and admit that some of them may feel different about monogamy.

Reply 96

Original post by Ellim

I honestly didn't mean for that to come across as argumentative, if it did.

But the point of this thread is that the OP and other polyamourous people can and do love a number of people simultaneously. I don't see the value of pointing out that 'yes but some people do only love one person romantically at a time.' But, anyway.

You said you didn't understand why some people don't get this concept. I was offering an explanation as to why they might not.

Reply 97

You didn't answer my question :/

Reply 98

Original post by danny111

So you have a primary guy but you like bits on the side?

Tbh it sounds just like an excuse, you want to shag around and so you call it this to make it seem ok rather than "cheating".

sorry, I didn't mean to neg you, I'll rep you some other time.

Reply 99