Is it possible to get over someone whislt still having sex with them?

My head is messed up.. completely. I mistook affectionate within a friends with benefits situation with my ex as a indication that he may wish to get back together with me. Turns out, he's only in this situation with me until he finds someone else and so he is not alone. I was devastated to hear this as I still have very strong feelings for him, and I thought he felt the same. He does have feelings for me, however they are not strong enough to resume a relationship. I have noticed he's been liking other girl's picture as well as a bit of flirting going on. He now puts minimal effort into "us" whereas before he was all up for doing things together, but now its just me going round to have intercourse and to receive a bit of affection. On the days that I do not see him, he makes no effort to contact me and it makes me feel ridiculous for doing what I am considering what I know now. I just want to know if I will be able to some how stop my feelings while carrying on with the sex? Im not bothered about the sex at all, I just want to spend time with him. I realise the majority will say "leave" but I really do value him as a friend, if not more, and would prefer to keep him in my life somehow? Any advice is welcome :frown:

Reply 1

youbonkers

9

Oh my god stop sleeping with him.

Cut contact for a while before you work on your friendship because then you will know if you actually want to be friends rather than you still chasing your feelings for him.

Edit: That sounded really blunt, I'm sorry :colondollar:

It just sounds like he's moved on and you'll only get even more hurt if you don't too :frown:

(edited 10 years ago)

Reply 2

AnJuM218

9

This sounds the like the subject for a song.

As long as you meet up with someone, if you ever loved them the feelings will always linger. So I would say no, it would be quite difficult to get over someone of you still meet up with them for sex. The only way is to leave them and avoid them and hope to meet someone better.

However, sometimes we just want to stop ourselves from feeling lonely so I wouldn't blame you for staying like this longer.

Reply 3

Alpharius

15

You idiot.

Stop sleeping with him, reduce all contact with him, move on.

If a guy wants friends with benefits, that's all they want. Why do girls get so attached in these situations...

Posted from TSR Mobile

Reply 4

Huskaris

16

No, it is not.

The same way you can't get over a heroin addiction whilst injecting yourself with heroin.

(edited 10 years ago)

Reply 5

AlmondCookies:)

OP

6

Original post by Alpharius

You idiot.

Stop sleeping with him, reduce all contact with him, move on.

If a guy wants friends with benefits, that's all they want. Why do girls get so attached in these situations...

Posted from TSR Mobile

Because at first It wasn't the standard "friends with benefits" - it was more of a "we are still together" in terms of buying me things and taking me out for food. Im attached because I had feelings previously left over from the relationship, and I assumed he had more feelings than he actually has for me. I realise the point you are making, of course, but it seems like I have no right to feel this way in your opinion? I could understand if he was just a friend..

Reply 6

username1152112

I've been in this situation. I didn't heal properly until we had some real separation. Now we're friends.

Reply 7

Alpharius

15

Original post by GabbyM

Because at first It wasn't the standard "friends with benefits" - it was more of a "we are still together" in terms of buying me things and taking me out for food. Im attached because I had feelings previously left over from the relationship, and I assumed he had more feelings than he actually has for me. I realise the point you are making, of course, but it seems like I have no right to feel this way in your opinion? I could understand if he was just a friend..

I didn't say no right, just that so many girls retain attachment with people they've slept with more than men.

Once the relationship was over, you should have left it at that.

You will not get over him if you keep sleeping with him. The heroin analogy is a good one. Move on, and learn from this.

Posted from TSR Mobile

Reply 8

SirMasterKey

18

It will never be a good idea to continue having sex in this situation.

Reply 9

im so academic

15

Oh my God, you should be a bit more grateful that you are still having sex with him! If you want to stop having those feelings, stop having sex. But don't complain that you want something "more". Sex is still something.

Reply 10

jon123abc

4

Are you happy with the relationship you have with him currently or not? That's what it boils down to. I say that because there seems to be some contradictory parts here. You like him, you enjoy being with him, but you want to get over him?

Reply 11

Climbontoyourseahorse

9

Original post by GabbyM

Im not bothered about the sex at all, I just want to spend time with him. I realise the majority will say "leave" but I really do value him as a friend, if not more, and would prefer to keep him in my life somehow? Any advice is welcome :frown:

It wouldn't be quite so bad if it were just the sex you were seeing him for, but even then, you would risk maintaining or resparking your feelings for him. But you see him because you want to see him. You're seeking something you are never going to get, and continuing to do this is a recipe for emotional destruction.

You say you value him as a friend. This situation is anything but 'friendly'. A friendship is a platonic and mutually caring relationship. It's not platonic because you're having sex, and what has he done since the break-up that would prove that he cares? Sex is not a valid answer. It does not count. It sounds to me like you're hanging onto this because you're lonely. Socially as well as romantically. Stop seeing this guy and focus your energy on making new friends. What's more, once you've had some space from this guy and actually allowed yourself to get over him, you will realise that you don't really care about him on any level. People who are really desperate to stay friends with an ex are either not over them, or were never really that into them in the first place. I don't think you fall into the latter camp.

You KNOW the right answer. You've acknowledged what you - rightfully - think others would say. Now do it.

Reply 12

LukeM90

17

you'd maybe get a leg over, thats about it lol

honestly though, I think you need to distance yourself and stop sleeping together to help you get over properly, afterall sex is a very special romantic thing (for most people)

And while you are still doing that any romantic feelings that may still exist are being actively used and fed, so yeh I think you need to get away and give urself some cooldown time, some you time ya know?

Reply 13

This Honest

3

Leave him for your own benefit.

No.

Lucky guy you put yourself at his feet .. Stop if you want to, it'll save pain later. Or if your needs get the better of you find someone else

Reply 16

RHCPfan

12

I can't decide who's worse, you or that daisy girl(can't remember her exact screename)

Reply 17

uberteknik

21

He's made it clear he does not respect you by simply using you for sex - and you are letting him do that.

More importantly where is your own self respect? Buying you presents, taking you out, satisfies his own guilty feelings. It's making himself feel better about what he's doing - not you. Nothing more.

You have given him cake and now he's eating it!

You are also reinforcing his view that friendship can be abused and his chauvinist attitude is acceptable behaviour. IT'S NOT!

This sham relationship is going no-where and the longer you stay in it, the worse you will feel about yourself, the more hurt you will be at the end, and, the longer it takes for you to heal so your life can move on.

Be aware though, that once you stop sleeping with him and until he finds some-one else or you do, he will keep pestering you for sex. You have to be strong and resist the temptation at all costs.

Above all, respect yourself and regain some dignity.

How dare he treat you like this. How dare you let him.

Good luck. :smile:

Reply 18

AlmondCookies:)

OP

6

Original post by jon123abc

Are you happy with the relationship you have with him currently or not? That's what it boils down to. I say that because there seems to be some contradictory parts here. You like him, you enjoy being with him, but you want to get over him?

Its not that I want to get over him, its that I have to. Ive realised that this sex thing is only going to be short term due to him leaving once he finds somebody else. Of course I enjoy it, but how I feel emotionally afterwards when I return home and the lack of effort - I don't. I just find it very difficult considering all the memories, I could understand if he was just a friend I was doing it with, but since we've already had a "loving" relationship before, it just makes me think of the past.

Reply 19

AlmondCookies:)

OP

6

Original post by RHCPfan

I can't decide who's worse, you or that daisy girl(can't remember her exact screename)

Im not entirely sure who you are referring to as ive never seen any of their posts, but I don't think you should be judging someone based upon their feelings. Surely the whole part of the relationship forum is to offer support and advice? You could of at least given an answer in regards to the post.

Is it possible to get over someone whislt still having sex with them?

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