i can't tell my family i'm an atheist

hey guys. i've recently come to terms with the me leaving Islam and being an atheist. it seemed inevitable really, ever since i was a kid i would listen to my parent go on about religious beliefs and heaven and hell and so on and always feeling very skeptical about it and it all seemed like fairy tales to me. i was really young like 11 or 12 when i would sit in my after school Islamic class and listen to the teacher talk about how everyone will be judged based on the choices they made during their life but then i would ask the teacher "if god created everyone and knows what they will do before creating them, why would he punish them for making the choices premeditated by god before creating them?" the teacher would be stumped and had no answer and avoided the question.

after that i started to question everything and as you probably know that isn't very popular with most religious people including my family. i don't like participating in praying or going to religious classes, it all just seems so ridiculous when looking at it from an outside perspective but i can't tell my family because i don't want them to hate me or kick me out but i feel so dishonest pretending like i believe when i don't. my mum gets really angry at me about the fact that i don't pray or fast during Ramadan. i have tried to subtly let them know that i questions the beliefs by starting conversations about certain things to do with the religion but when i do i seem to trigger off an angry outburst where they ask me if im a non believer but then i have to backpedal to avoid adding fuel to the fire.

this is a really uncomfortable situation and its getting increasingly more frustrating my the day. do i just tell them or do i just pretend? its a really sticky situation does anyone else have a similar problem? any advice would be great. thanks

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Reply 1

Australianoxford

Tell them and back yourself. Given the nature of the filial relationship your parents will ultimately understand and you will not have to live as someone you are not.

Reply 2

username570910

If they can't accept your views, they are not worthy of your respect.

Reply 3

Anonymous #2

I have a similar problem where my family is very Christian and indoctrinated me as a child, but I'm 21 now and haven't been feeling it as much anymore, for the same reasons as you, such as doubts and then confusion over why there are so many different religions in existence and I'm forced into just one. I'm still living with my parents and financially dependent on them at the moment so I can't really risk telling them incase they disown me or something. Well, I dunno if they'd act that badly but I don't wanna risk it whilst I'm still depending on them for money. So for now, I just pretend to be into the whole praying and bible thing just to make them happy for now. I'm hoping that as I get a bit older and finally get a proper job and move out then it will be easier to deal with.

Reply 4

Plainview

Original post by Anonymous

People saying 'be out with it' are perhaps being a bit naive, given how strict some families are over this. How old are you? If you are mid- to late-teens, then I suggest waiting until you are at an age where you are granted more independence anyway. That way they'll have less control over you and your beliefs. If you are younger than that then it's a very difficult one. I'd see if you can find someone else – perhaps in your family, perhaps a friend or a colleague or teacher or someone like that – whom you can talk to and discuss your beliefs more openly. It will be a lot easier if you aren't constantly thinking this over on your own (you will certainly find lots of support on this website). Good luck to you.

Reply 5

FiniteMr

Tell them, and refuse to be kicked out saying "there is no compulsion in religion".

Reply 6

Australianoxford

It will be liberating

Reply 7

Ayesha1234

I'm guessing you're probably Asian right? Telling them would be the worst thing to do right now; I wouldn't listen to advice from tsr...they don't really understand the culture that gets attached to religion sometimes.

Whilst I obviously don't condone what you're doing, I'd advise you to be patient for now until you're in a position where you can take are of yourself financially if worst comes to worst.

Sometimes our parents aren't the best people to teach us about our faith; have you at least read up on Islam on your own initiative instead of being fed info?

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Reply 8

ashleighgiles

Its either you tell them eventually or they'll find out. Don't be afraid, because its you who can decide what you want to believe in. If they talk back, then explain to them why you chose that path. :smile:

My mother is a devout Catholic and my father used to be a devout Anglican. I was brought up in a Catholic environment, and it was mandatory to dwell in religion back in school. I wasn't much of a devout person; rarely went to church, barely prayed, didn't spread the word of God, and I didn't read my bible. I finally decided to be an atheist when the pressure was too hard. It seems like I just ran away from it all, but I just didn't feel right about having a belief that doctrines my lifestyle.

My dad found out first and he was alright. He always told me that anyone that has good morals are still good people. Mum, on the other hand, wasn't and isn't too happy about it. She still drags me to church and stuff. I still keep a bible, because my best friend gave it to me as a gift. It would be mean of me to just throw it away. Hopefully my mum can accept my decision soon enough. :smile:

(edited 10 years ago)

Reply 9

Origami Bullets

Personally I'd wait until I could move out (but move out asap) and then tell them.

You have to consider what will happen when you get to a marriageable age - are you going to find yourself pressured into an arranged marriage to another Muslim?

Reply 10

Anonymous #1

Original post by Ayesha1234

I'm guessing you're probably Asian right?

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no i'm not Asian but my parent do come from an Islamic culture. they probably wouldn't understand so i will most likely put off telling them. i have read up on some of the Islamic teachings i find it largely contradictory, i don't blame people for believing in it but it just isn't for me.

Reply 11

RachaelBee

Is there any chance that they already kind of know but would prefer it if you didn't say it? I guess they aren't forcing you to pray or fast during Ramadan, but are they able to force you to do anything else? If not then I'd just try not to mention it. Obviously if they do expect you to observe religion then that's different.

Reply 12

Anonymous #1

Original post by Origami Bullets

my parents are a lot less involved in my life and i do point out some of the absurdities in their traditions and the seem to agree most of the time its just the religious aspect is where we lock horns

Reply 13

Australianoxford

Original post by RachaelBee

Its a principal thing though, not just a practicality. If they can't accept you for your belief (or lack thereof) then why should you accept them for theirs? For financial security?

Reply 14

Anonymous #1

Original post by RachaelBee

i do get the feeling that they do kind of know but when religion gets brought up at the dinner table or something like that its kind of like walking on egg shells

Reply 15

RedArrow

Maybe I was brought up to respect my parents at ALL times; but my understanding says, as long as you are staying with them you shouldn't expect to have you ways in everything. There should be room for compromise.

With that being said one of the posts read hear is absolutely third-class.

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Reply 16

RachaelBee

Original post by Australianoxford

Its a principal thing though, not just a practicality. If they can't accept you for your belief (or lack thereof) then why should you accept them for theirs? For financial security?

If you need the financial security, then yes absolutely. If, as the OP has put below, they probably do know and they haven't kicked them out then the chances are that it'll upset them to hear it but that they wouldn't be too OTT. However I know nothing of the OPs situation or what the parents would be like.

Original post by Anonymous

i do get the feeling that they do kind of know but when religion gets brought up at the dinner table or something like that its kind of like walking on egg shells

Does that happen often? I really sympathise, I stopped going to church well over a decade ago but my parents and I still clash a bit over religion, especially with my mother.

Reply 17

Ayesha1234

Original post by Anonymous

As above, you're living under your parents roof therefore under their rules, so expect to be making exceptions and being patient at times. I can imagine it'd be very difficult for a parent to comprehend that their child wants to reject their entire lifestyle. Maybe even heartbreaking so I can understand their anger...

I would use this time to read up fully on Islam so you at least know what you're leaving.

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Reply 18

Ayesha1234

Original post by RedArrow

Curious; which post?

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Reply 19

sugar-n-spice

Wait it out, until you're able to leave home and even then a declaration isn't the best thing. It will massively hurt them thinking their son/daughter will be punished in hell.