Why do girls like confidence?

Every thread I look at girls keep saying they like confidence, it seems to be some sort of buzzword, akin to businessmen talking about synergy and cohesion. But what does it actually mean? Can you please tell me how confidence in any way relates to the things that will make a successful relationship (e.g. sharing interests and morals, being good company, being supportive) in the modern day.

My opinion; confidence is not too dissimilar to arrogance, vanity and insolence. It is possessed by the dishonest and revered by the shallow. It is essentially portraying yourself in a different way to what you are. Why is this so desirable? I find it ironic that people like myself, who lack confidence, are the ones who would most benefit from a relationship and yet are at the same time less likely to get one, all because of this notion of confidence. The notion of confidence that seems to be out-dated and primal.

And before the rep-whores descend on this thread, no I wouldn't consider myself a 'nice guy' and yes I do find it difficult to get a girlfriend and yes it probably has been too long before I got laid. Now let's discuss.

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Reply 1

Get_Lucky_606

I think it's more to do with being comfortable with yourself as a guy - accepting what you have (whether you're good looking or not). Girls generally seem to prefer guys who are at ease with themselves and confident because it shows they have an enjoyable life already rather than some guy who 'needs' a girlfriend to feel validated.

Reply 2

rockrunride

Confidence is an efficient display of what you consider to be your better qualities. Women like men that will take the lead and engineer exchange of things that make a successful relationship (sharing interests and morals, being good company, etc). If you're not as confident, you're not likely to be good company, not least initially. Relationships require an initial spark of attraction and a decent first impression.

Reply 3

Sashari

Agree with previous comments but I will never forgot when I was doing my GCSEs and had a tough time as one of the guys at school bullied me and my boyfriend never said a word to him because he had no confidence to confront him, so my friends stood up for me and made all the difference. Also once my friend went out with a guy who at every stage of a 'sexual experience' asked for permission or validation, i.e. 'can I take your top off?' etc. Biggest turn off.

Reply 4

skyblue91

It's because:

Spoiler

Reply 5

Extremotroph

Confidence is simply being comfortable with yourself. Lacking in anxiety, depression, needs for attention etc. Confidence is when you're at your most comfortable.

Reply 6

Anonymous #1

Original post by Extremotroph

Confidence is simply being comfortable with yourself. Lacking in anxiety, depression, needs for attention etc. Confidence is when you're at your most comfortable.

So everyone who is not confident is depressed and anxious? Maybe they are just acting normal?

Reply 7

grt

Original post by Anonymous

I find it ironic that people like myself, who lack confidence, are the ones who would most benefit from a relationship and yet are at the same time less likely to get one, all because of this notion of confidence.

Many self-conscious people believe this notion: "if I only had a partner, I'd be so much happier/less depressed/more successful/more confident/...". Nonsense. You might (and should) grow in a relationship - but you can do so by yourself as well. Last but not least, even if you were benefiting from a relationship - would the girl benefit as well?

What's the opposite of confidence? Self-consciousness. Although simplified, who provides more positive energy you're with, confident or self-conscious people? Also, arrogance is more closely related to over-confidence than confidence. It's about the the middle ground. Respect yourself enough to know what you can do and what you're worth. But don't think you're the centre of gravity.

Why girls want confident guys? Because confident guys are more likely to know what they want and to take the actions to achieving these goals. Confidence can motivate and inspire others and gives you a certain idea of trust and security.

What to do to increase your own confidence? That's a hard one... generally speaking, start to come to terms with yourself and start appreciating yourself. Confidence will follow.

Reply 8

grt

Original post by Anonymous

So everyone who is not confident is depressed and anxious? Maybe they are just acting normal?

Confidence is a natural state.

I really think we're talking about different matters here. Believing in yourself on a "healthy" level? Or being a smart-a... who believes to know it all?

Reply 9

Maid Marian

Confidence is a positive personality trait, so I don't see why someone would actively not want it in a guy.

Reply 10

Cable

Original post by Sashari

Also once my friend went out with a guy who at every stage of a 'sexual experience' asked for permission or validation, i.e. 'can I take your top off?' etc. Biggest turn off.

I don't mean to derail the thread but if he didn't ask for permission, many feminists would be claiming she should report the guy for rape since she didn't give explicit consent to any sexual act the guy committed.

I agree that this shouldn't be the case but many feminists are making it harder for men these days when it comes to sex/sexuality.

Men are damned if they do, damned if they don't.

Reply 11

Llamageddon

Because insecurities are irritating?

Reply 12

LukeM90

I use to be very lacking in confidence, now I'd say im above average if not quite high, but what I've found is positive(confident happy etc) behaivour is contagious, it makes you want to know the person (assuming you like them a bit lol) be around them, have a laugh etc because you just feel good around someone who feels good and in turn makes you feel good,

on the flipside, hanging around someone whos down all the time drains the life right out of you (I use to be like this) and its bad because you push people away and dont even realise it then get more down because you think people dont like you,

dont get me wrong I'm no social butterfly or ray of happiness but I try and take a possitive outlook on most things and even when somthings bad I use my humour (often associated with confidence) to put a light hearted spin on a bad situation, which people seem to like.

So yeah I think its more a comfortable happy person kind of thing, like yeh everyone has problems but dont most people hang out/want to be with other people to forget the bad stuff and just have a good time? I like to think so!

Reply 13

Anonymous #1

Original post by grt

Confidence is a natural state.

I really think we're talking about different matters here. Believing in yourself on a "healthy" level? Or being a smart-a... who believes to know it all?

I was proposing that they are essentially the same thing.

With regards to the pseudo-psychoanalysis in your previous post I disagree with that although you made some good points. In my opinion confidence is narcissistic self-consciousness, a concealing of arrogance and presenting in a way that for some reason people find attractive. It is very artificial.

Reply 14

Llamageddon

Original post by Cable

You don't have to ask for permission verbally. You don't have to receive it verbally either. A lot of things will happen before you actually start.

Reply 15

lucaf

you are getting confused between confidence and arrogance. confidence is knowing who you are and what you are capable of and being comfortable with it, arrogance is inflating your self worth and believing you are better than you are. people want to be with confident people because they take the initiative, are less high maintenance and are simply less effort to be around. people who lack confidence are harder to be with, since they will require you to always take the initiative and are generally more needy.

Reply 16

Anonymous #1

Original post by lucaf

Just because confidence and arrogance are two separate words, with different definitions in the dictionary, doesn't mean to say they are not linked. The phrase "portray confidence" is often used ... is this not also, in a way, 'inflating your self worth and believing you are better than you are'?

I also disagree that people who are not confident are 'high maintenance', 'harder to be with', 'needy', 'don't take the initiative' and 'less effort to be around' ... I think that's quite an insulting thing to say actually. But I suppose, using your logic, we can say that confident people are also needy because they themselves require validation from other because through portraying their perceived qualities. It is societal I suppose.

Reply 17

Extremotroph

Original post by Anonymous

So everyone who is not confident is depressed and anxious? Maybe they are just acting normal?

I would say, yes, to differing degrees, however it is best not to label yourself as "anxious" or "depressed".

Rather it is better to look at your life and acknowledge the reasons that contribute to you feeling comfortable.

(edited 10 years ago)

Reply 18

rockrunride

Original post by Cable

Every sexual act needs explicit verbal consent?

Man: Shall we have sex now?
Woman: Okay.

Ten minutes and several transactional exchanges later:

Man: May I put it in?
Woman: Most certainly.

Reply 19

lucaf

Original post by Anonymous

well of course they are linked, but arrogance is generally thought of as a negative over-abundance of confidence.

if you take the initiative then you are displaying confidence. and confident people don't require validation; in fact that is probably a major difference between confidence and arrogance, since confident people don't feel the need to show off. and while people who lack confidence may not necessarily be needy (although the lack of self worth certainly makes it more likely) but the fact they underestimate themselves and put themselves down is draining and makes it harder to enjoy being with them.

in the OP you ask how confidence relates to the things that make a good relationship? well out of your list I would say being good company. it is easier to enjoy the company of somebody who is talkative and forward than somebody who is quiet and shy. it may be less important later in a relationship when you become more comfortable with eachother, but it is easier to see people as relationship material if they actually have the confidence to put themselves out there. you could be pure relationship gold, but if you lack confidence how will people ever know?