Gosh I really do hate myself.
I just want this to be over. I'm not brave enough to face it, and running away doesn't work.
im so weak. wow.
I wish I could think properly. No focus and sad brain and anxious thoughts all wrap up into this impenetrable smog and I just can't concentrate to follow thoughts through or find the words to articulate myself.
My care coordinator said to me once she thought I was very brave and displayed a surprising lack of avoidance. really I've just done the worst type of avoidance possible. tell people the bare minimum so get given chances to recover but then refuse to actually use the chances by attending appointments and spending the whole time mute. am so selfish.
I dont understand where I got so cowardly.
I'm such a disappointment. let people down time and time again. all i want is the chance to do this one thing before but i dont think i can even do that. and the whole plan is so bad anyway, it does feel like im just giving up. but im not really because i have tried, ive tried very hard, but im not good enough. i dont know how you can live when you have no chances of recovery. the only way how ive been getting up and trying to pretend the bad things arent that bad is because i know i have an end point. so i really cant do it without that. i feel like i have more energy so i cant stay safe just through apathy and inability to leave bed.
i want to be brave and strong but im not. its taking a lot of effort to be alive now so its not really that weak. I know how shriveled up and horrible I am and once people spend too long around me they start to realise it as well so its not just me being skewed.
i dont know. i sort of wish i could still be stronger. I feel like planning for so long to do something bad is kind of giving up and weak and terrible. but it is the only solution so i think i am doing the right thing, just is hard to think that way cos of how society tells you otherwise. its the right thing for me. im not sure that accepting a fact is the same thing as giving in. and besides admitting defeat is not bad thing. its better to do that than just prolong a bloody war.
im sorry i dont know what im wandering on about. is really not fair that decision making is so hard when you're ill.