So I was contemplating joining a support group in my area- but I can't go.
My parents will never accept that there's anything wrong with me until I actually die or something bad happens. Or, they take the piss.
Which I kind of find really disturbing, like they laugh at all the things I did, and blame it all on my stupidity. E.g. hahha I remember when you tried to kills yourself then got scared.
And that **** just depresses me more. I remember telling my "friend" what happened and she basically didn't care- which hurts most really. The backlash from my attempt was ridiculous, and they were absolute *******s. I don't care they were. And not even in the caring sense- in the Lol sense and the "you're going to hell sense."
My mum even told her ****ty priest that I tried to top myself and erh - he came and prayed for me and said stuff like "you'll be healed" "you won't do that again" and **** like that. It was really confusing- and then mmy parents behaviour really confused me because while they did the whole lol & you're going to hell shiz, they asked why I did it. Seeming like they cared- and then I said- I don't know, I've just felt low for a long time- and I think all the **** that has happened to me in my life- from my dad's alcoholism to being bullied to having no friends, to being disliked by my siblings to failing exams to being groomed on the internet as a child- everything just added up- you know what they said "that's so stupid, you're talking rubbish now" like wtf? what's the reason then- ah, they said "attention seeking behaviour" wow. thanks guys- you didn't even know I was self harming until you accidently saw it- how the **** was I attention seeking when I tried to OD? how was I attention seeking through self harm- how? I wasn't. I feel really guilty though, my younger sibling was around when my mum had to rush me to hospital (and he was scared and I just felt so guilty- he started to cry- so I said nothing is wrong, I'm fine, I'm happy, and if you want to talk to anyone- talk to me I'll always be here)
The scenes before she took me to hospital were bad- she called her cousins etc, she slapped me, she told me to get out the house- she just did horrible stuff.
I don't know, people don't understand why I'm so messed up, but If you grew up as me, like I did, then you would be too. I mean, she said "you're weak" etc, I thought you were better than this. **** you man. Anyway, this happened a few months ago. And In a couple of days I'm going to find out my exam results- and I just know I'm not going to be happy- and I know that I won't know what to do. That's all for now.