Getting paranoid and feeling below the standards women expect
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TaF_nvqoRXA
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P1mvjxqMonM
After watching these videos from Emily Hart, I'm starting to get a bit worried. My girlfriend has been on holiday for the last 4 weeks which gave me enough time to start thinking maybe I'm not good enough for her.
For example '10 Reasons She Dumped You'
-You let yourself go: she wants a six-pack
I had a yoghurt today along with meals so I've messed up there and it adds up. Also I only got 6 hours sleep which is suboptimal for max testosterone. I've never really been very confident body-wise
-No ambition
I have a part-time job and studying at a Russell Group Uni with a scholarship but I've been depressed and suffer anxiety which mean I probably haven't performed as well as I was supposed to. Also my colleagues seem to assume I'm stupid and the girls there try to stay away from me
I don't actually know what I want to do career-wise so to me that would probably translate to no ambition?
-You weren't funny
probably not. Again the girls in work seem to cringe when they speak to me, whereas my supervisor (who's younger than me but is far more confident) has some of them really interested in him.
He just seems a lot more 'manly'-more confident, cocky, and he's better built as well. I think he's smarter too despite having come straight from college which makes me wonder whether I should be in university
I don't really feel women would be interested in me and that my gf likes me mainly because she thinks I'm the boy she met a few years ago, rather than my current self who's I won't say 'but a shadow' as that's cringe-worthy but lesser I feel
This is really getting me down because I don't even know if the tips suggested here are high maintenance or I'm just really lacking in some areas :/
Of course it doesn't mean every girl has the same values but as a benchmark it does suggest I fail
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P1mvjxqMonM
After watching these videos from Emily Hart, I'm starting to get a bit worried. My girlfriend has been on holiday for the last 4 weeks which gave me enough time to start thinking maybe I'm not good enough for her.
For example '10 Reasons She Dumped You'
-You let yourself go: she wants a six-pack
I had a yoghurt today along with meals so I've messed up there and it adds up. Also I only got 6 hours sleep which is suboptimal for max testosterone. I've never really been very confident body-wise
-No ambition
I have a part-time job and studying at a Russell Group Uni with a scholarship but I've been depressed and suffer anxiety which mean I probably haven't performed as well as I was supposed to. Also my colleagues seem to assume I'm stupid and the girls there try to stay away from me
I don't actually know what I want to do career-wise so to me that would probably translate to no ambition?
-You weren't funny
probably not. Again the girls in work seem to cringe when they speak to me, whereas my supervisor (who's younger than me but is far more confident) has some of them really interested in him.
He just seems a lot more 'manly'-more confident, cocky, and he's better built as well. I think he's smarter too despite having come straight from college which makes me wonder whether I should be in university
I don't really feel women would be interested in me and that my gf likes me mainly because she thinks I'm the boy she met a few years ago, rather than my current self who's I won't say 'but a shadow' as that's cringe-worthy but lesser I feel
This is really getting me down because I don't even know if the tips suggested here are high maintenance or I'm just really lacking in some areas :/
Of course it doesn't mean every girl has the same values but as a benchmark it does suggest I fail
Scroll to see replies
It is all crap. Complete rubbish sold to the masses who are gullible enough to believe in buzz words and silly lists.
How many times do you go onto a website aimed at men and see the words "Alpha male", "Be the Man she wants".
And then the huge plugs to their material where you pay for someone to write about something that is simply not true and preys on guys like yourself who have self confidence issues.
Lets look at it methodically. If we systematically pull apart the paradigms of a working relationship and look for what causes attraction.
We can see that science has already made big advances in proving attraction is a chemical reaction.
We know that this is likely to be due to the dopamine, norepinephrine and phenylethylamine we're releasing.
And we also know that in the act of coitus a chemical called oxytocin is released which increases the bond between the two people.
So now we know the chemicals we can look at the core principle in action.
Attraction - Attraction can be placed into two categories - interpersonal and physical.
The physical (That many obsess over) is born out of what the mind sees as attractive due to outside influences like media and TV, however there is also strong research to back up the notion that Symmetry is seen as attractive also.
However - we must think outside of science for a second, and consider what we know to be common sense - and that is, that there is no such thing as definitive attractiveness.
Whilst core principles of a physical nature will come into play - (see here - http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Physical_attractiveness#Male_physical_attractiveness )
However what one woman finds attractive, another does not. I have been in relationships where it is clear the friends do not find me attractive - it is down to personal taste. Some women like hair, others not, some women like tattoos some not, some like six packs, some like a bigger build.
However in your case you are concerned with keeping your relationship alive.
The first thing to do is cut out the crap in your post. The only place self doubt and low self esteem will seem to work as a plausible hypothesis is when Hugh grant in a romcom.
She is with you for a reason, accept that and be happy.
Sitting there worrying about your meals and a yoghurt is not helping anyone.
I think the important thing to remember is (and this is controversial and only my point of view) That nothing lasts forever and everything is temporary. Love is not based on meeting one particular set of criteria, to have a successful relationship that lasts years, there needs to be many factors involved.
But we should not change our bodies in an attempt to be attractive, because again, what one finds attractive another does not, and then we run into issues as we grow older, and become more out of shape, and if we are unlucky genetics creep up on us and give us a host of other things to make us look worse.
If we make changes it should be for us, ourselves, for what would be the point in getting a body builders body to impress one girl, when others will find you unattractive.
How long have you been together by the way? as by that you can deduce if you are in the attraction stage or if what people would call 'love' has begun to happen - which if it has, the saying usually applies 'Love is blind'.
As always, and with all my posts, this is just my thoughts on it, Sorry its long - just wanted to get my point across coherently.
Hope it helps. And good luck
How many times do you go onto a website aimed at men and see the words "Alpha male", "Be the Man she wants".
And then the huge plugs to their material where you pay for someone to write about something that is simply not true and preys on guys like yourself who have self confidence issues.
Lets look at it methodically. If we systematically pull apart the paradigms of a working relationship and look for what causes attraction.
We can see that science has already made big advances in proving attraction is a chemical reaction.
We know that this is likely to be due to the dopamine, norepinephrine and phenylethylamine we're releasing.
And we also know that in the act of coitus a chemical called oxytocin is released which increases the bond between the two people.
So now we know the chemicals we can look at the core principle in action.
Attraction - Attraction can be placed into two categories - interpersonal and physical.
The physical (That many obsess over) is born out of what the mind sees as attractive due to outside influences like media and TV, however there is also strong research to back up the notion that Symmetry is seen as attractive also.
However - we must think outside of science for a second, and consider what we know to be common sense - and that is, that there is no such thing as definitive attractiveness.
Whilst core principles of a physical nature will come into play - (see here - http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Physical_attractiveness#Male_physical_attractiveness )
However what one woman finds attractive, another does not. I have been in relationships where it is clear the friends do not find me attractive - it is down to personal taste. Some women like hair, others not, some women like tattoos some not, some like six packs, some like a bigger build.
However in your case you are concerned with keeping your relationship alive.
The first thing to do is cut out the crap in your post. The only place self doubt and low self esteem will seem to work as a plausible hypothesis is when Hugh grant in a romcom.
She is with you for a reason, accept that and be happy.
Sitting there worrying about your meals and a yoghurt is not helping anyone.
I think the important thing to remember is (and this is controversial and only my point of view) That nothing lasts forever and everything is temporary. Love is not based on meeting one particular set of criteria, to have a successful relationship that lasts years, there needs to be many factors involved.
But we should not change our bodies in an attempt to be attractive, because again, what one finds attractive another does not, and then we run into issues as we grow older, and become more out of shape, and if we are unlucky genetics creep up on us and give us a host of other things to make us look worse.
If we make changes it should be for us, ourselves, for what would be the point in getting a body builders body to impress one girl, when others will find you unattractive.
How long have you been together by the way? as by that you can deduce if you are in the attraction stage or if what people would call 'love' has begun to happen - which if it has, the saying usually applies 'Love is blind'.
As always, and with all my posts, this is just my thoughts on it, Sorry its long - just wanted to get my point across coherently.
Hope it helps. And good luck
Stop watching those videos - they are ridiculous and will just eat away at your self confidence. Is your relationship with your girlfriend a happy one? If yes then that is all that matters
you do realise half what she says is for entertainment/irony purposes and not to be taken literal.
Original post by silverbolt
you do realise half what she says is for entertainment/irony purposes and not to be taken literal.
Which half though?
a lot of those points seemed pretty valid to me
Look, you're studying at a good University, by the sounds of it. You have a job. That means that you're quite smart and capable. You're in a long-term relationship, and trust me when I say that if your girlfriend didn't like you for who you are, she would not be with you.
Having a yoghurt is not "letting go". It wouldn't even stand in the way of a six-pack, but you know what? Not every girl likes a six-pack on a guy. Tastes differ. Look at those One Direction guys. I can't believe I actually looked them up, but I know that they're really popular, and they don't all have six-packs either.
Many people suffer from anxiety and other issues at some point in their lives. Many people don't know what to do with their career, especially not at your age. What would put a lot of girls/women off is if you didn't want to do anything. If you just wanted to sit around, playing computer games, not wanting a job, with no aspirations at all. That's not the case with you. As mentioned above, you're at University and you're working.
When your girlfriend returns, and after she's settled back in, just have a chat with her. Put your mind at ease. To me, you sound like a decent person, who may have to work on his confidence a bit (who doesn't, really?), but otherwise, you're fine.
Having a yoghurt is not "letting go". It wouldn't even stand in the way of a six-pack, but you know what? Not every girl likes a six-pack on a guy. Tastes differ. Look at those One Direction guys. I can't believe I actually looked them up, but I know that they're really popular, and they don't all have six-packs either.
Many people suffer from anxiety and other issues at some point in their lives. Many people don't know what to do with their career, especially not at your age. What would put a lot of girls/women off is if you didn't want to do anything. If you just wanted to sit around, playing computer games, not wanting a job, with no aspirations at all. That's not the case with you. As mentioned above, you're at University and you're working.
When your girlfriend returns, and after she's settled back in, just have a chat with her. Put your mind at ease. To me, you sound like a decent person, who may have to work on his confidence a bit (who doesn't, really?), but otherwise, you're fine.
Original post by Riku
Which half though?
a lot of those points seemed pretty valid to me
a lot of those points seemed pretty valid to me
ive suffered form body images in the past, im not ripped or rich nor do i have overwhelming fashion sense, Im not overweight but do have a bit of a belly (too many beers and pizza over the years)
what i do have is confidence, a sense of humour and i always looks after my hair. My gf is in fantastic shape, sexy body, gorgeous eyes great figure and shes 35, she could have her pick of men yet i know shes with me and likes me for me.
Just because you dont have a ripped six pack does not mean your a loser - same with women, just because you dont have a perfect six foot supermodel figure does not mean you dont have any chance
(edited 10 years ago)
insecurity is the most unattractive character trait
Original post by ZoominglyFree
Cant be sure But I think you meant are a loser.... 
oops yep
fixed it now - cheers
Original post by genuinelydense
insecurity is the most unattractive character trait
I'm interested to know why?
I have an anxiety disorder so there are times insecurity's my middle name > >
Original post by Riku
I'm interested to know why?
I have an anxiety disorder so there are times insecurity's my middle name > >
I have an anxiety disorder so there are times insecurity's my middle name > >
in general, girls (especially girls < 20) like a guy that's sort of ~in control~. most are attracted to 'alpha male' characteristics. thinking lowly of yourself/being susceptible to criticism is the antithesis of 'manliness'.
U on dat diazepam?
(edited 10 years ago)
Original post by Riku
I'm interested to know why?
I have an anxiety disorder so there are times insecurity's my middle name > >
I have an anxiety disorder so there are times insecurity's my middle name > >
Because a woman wants a man that can handle her with a firm and steady grip, someone who can remove all of her insecurities by being confident in himself and therefore confident in the woman he is with.
Women are and will always be judging themselves constantly, if you're the same then they begin to feel on shaky territory and speculate if you're only with them because you "don't realise that you can do better yet".
Original post by genuinelydense
in general, girls (especially girls < 20) like a guy that's sort of ~in control~. most are attracted to 'alpha male' characteristics. thinking lowly of yourself/being susceptible to criticism is the antithesis of 'manliness'.
U on dat diazepam?
U on dat diazepam?
Original post by Mockery
Because a woman wants a man that can handle her with a firm and steady grip, someone who can remove all of her insecurities by being confident in himself and therefore confident in the woman he is with.
Women are and will always be judging themselves constantly, if you're the same then they begin to feel on shaky territory and speculate if you're only with them because you "don't realise that you can do better yet".
Women are and will always be judging themselves constantly, if you're the same then they begin to feel on shaky territory and speculate if you're only with them because you "don't realise that you can do better yet".
So then I'm the antithesis of manliness because of a mental health condition? :/
Nah I'm on Fluoxetine (since it made me quite noticably depressed for a while) but Diazepam might have been better. I've been doing CBT though
Original post by Mockery
Because a woman wants a man that can handle her with a firm and steady grip, someone who can remove all of her insecurities by being confident in himself and therefore confident in the woman he is with.
Women are and will always be judging themselves constantly, if you're the same then they begin to feel on shaky territory and speculate if you're only with them because you "don't realise that you can do better yet".
Women are and will always be judging themselves constantly, if you're the same then they begin to feel on shaky territory and speculate if you're only with them because you "don't realise that you can do better yet".
It baffles me when adults expect their partner to essentially play the role of their dad.
Original post by ilem
It baffles me when adults expect their partner to essentially play the role of their dad.
Yes, because making her feel comfortable and secure with every inch of her body is the role of her dad?
Original post by Riku
So then I'm the antithesis of manliness because of a mental health condition? :/
Nah I'm on Fluoxetine (since it made me quite noticably depressed for a while) but Diazepam might have been better. I've been doing CBT though
Nah I'm on Fluoxetine (since it made me quite noticably depressed for a while) but Diazepam might have been better. I've been doing CBT though
Not sure if this is relevant or directed at my comment.
Original post by Mockery
Not sure if this is relevant or directed at my comment.
Half-related, I multiquoted sorry :P
Point remains that I feel lesser because of an MH condition and am therefore less attractive according to this logic. You can say yes.
Original post by Mockery
Yes, because making her feel comfortable and secure with every inch of her body is the role of her dad?
'Handling with a firm grip' certainly doesn't conjure up any images of a balanced relationship. I don't subscribe to the idea that one partner is in charge of the other in any way in a proper relationship.
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