Eating Disorders and life with one - Discussions, Opinions, Advice.
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An interesting insight.
With my group this week I asked them to be absolutely honest with me about if they had "cheated" on their recovery. None of them owned up, and all did the false smiles and "Oh, it was perfect! Absolutely great this week".
I then said to them, "Well, I've been recovered for almost six months clinically now, and even I didn't have a perfect week. So you're all lying. I want you to all give me at least one way you've been cheating yourselves."
And you know what, every single one of them recalled multiple instances of cheating themselves. When you think your recovery is going "perfectly", the chances are this is a mental shroud; and your broken ED circuits are making this happen too.
So long as you keep telling yourself "I'm in recovery!!" and smile, then you often let yourself slip. You're allowed to. You're "recovering". You keep telling yourself that. "I'd better have lunch now. I'm recovering. I'll have the chicken sandwi... the chicken sala... the garden sala... yeah, the garden salad. That's what I fancy today. It's cool, I'm still in recovery, I'm going at my own pace.
Only you're not recovering at all.
I asked one of the girls why she cheats herself - she said "it's because I get to feel normal, even though I know I'm not". She wants to be normal, but she doesn't think she is. So instead of simply being normal, she lies to herself and those around her - she gets to dip her toe into the real world by saying "check me out, recovering, doing normal things!" but inside, she's the same void, digging deeper into her habits. It's like a mask, only she loves the look of the mask, never wants to take it off - but underneath her face is gnarled, worn, gaunt. But if you asked her, "would you want your face to BE this mask? For your face to look and feel exactly like this, so you wouldn't NEED the mask any longer? She would refuse. She would rather be a vulnerable, ill girl wearing a healthy girl's mask.
And when I told her this mask metaphor, she began to cry. She said I was exactly right, and that she was too frightened for the mask tobecome "her forever". She said she loved being able to pretend she was normal but needed the ability to regress and use the illness as an excuse, a weapon, a power - whenever things didn't go her way.
A terrifying thought, to use your own dying body as ammunition for attention, for solace.
So what'll it be guys? Wearing a mask as the face underneath dies? Wearing a beautiful mask that makes you appear gorgeous and confident that you adore, whilst you waste away underneath...? Or having your own face that looks that beautiful - and you never need take it off again? When you have only one face, there is nothing obscured, or TO obscure. Your life is clear, and all is beautiful.
With my group this week I asked them to be absolutely honest with me about if they had "cheated" on their recovery. None of them owned up, and all did the false smiles and "Oh, it was perfect! Absolutely great this week".
I then said to them, "Well, I've been recovered for almost six months clinically now, and even I didn't have a perfect week. So you're all lying. I want you to all give me at least one way you've been cheating yourselves."
And you know what, every single one of them recalled multiple instances of cheating themselves. When you think your recovery is going "perfectly", the chances are this is a mental shroud; and your broken ED circuits are making this happen too.
So long as you keep telling yourself "I'm in recovery!!" and smile, then you often let yourself slip. You're allowed to. You're "recovering". You keep telling yourself that. "I'd better have lunch now. I'm recovering. I'll have the chicken sandwi... the chicken sala... the garden sala... yeah, the garden salad. That's what I fancy today. It's cool, I'm still in recovery, I'm going at my own pace.
Only you're not recovering at all.
I asked one of the girls why she cheats herself - she said "it's because I get to feel normal, even though I know I'm not". She wants to be normal, but she doesn't think she is. So instead of simply being normal, she lies to herself and those around her - she gets to dip her toe into the real world by saying "check me out, recovering, doing normal things!" but inside, she's the same void, digging deeper into her habits. It's like a mask, only she loves the look of the mask, never wants to take it off - but underneath her face is gnarled, worn, gaunt. But if you asked her, "would you want your face to BE this mask? For your face to look and feel exactly like this, so you wouldn't NEED the mask any longer? She would refuse. She would rather be a vulnerable, ill girl wearing a healthy girl's mask.
And when I told her this mask metaphor, she began to cry. She said I was exactly right, and that she was too frightened for the mask tobecome "her forever". She said she loved being able to pretend she was normal but needed the ability to regress and use the illness as an excuse, a weapon, a power - whenever things didn't go her way.
A terrifying thought, to use your own dying body as ammunition for attention, for solace.
So what'll it be guys? Wearing a mask as the face underneath dies? Wearing a beautiful mask that makes you appear gorgeous and confident that you adore, whilst you waste away underneath...? Or having your own face that looks that beautiful - and you never need take it off again? When you have only one face, there is nothing obscured, or TO obscure. Your life is clear, and all is beautiful.
been really struggling the opposite way to normal, normally cant stop eating, but currently having to force myself to eat 
not coping very well at all
not coping very well at all
Original post by PonchoKid
been really struggling the opposite way to normal, normally cant stop eating, but currently having to force myself to eat
not coping very well at all
not coping very well at all
Massive hugs poncho!
Original post by 05autyt
Massive hugs poncho!
Thanks hun, hope your ok!
Posted from TSR Mobile
Original post by PonchoKid
Not great but I'll be fine!
Original post by 05autyt
Not great but I'll be fine!
You been to the drs yet hun??
Posted from TSR Mobile
More SH related than ED related but I know I can come to you guys.
Spoiler
Original post by jazzykinks
More SH related than ED related but I know I can come to you guys.
Spoiler
Spoiler
(edited 10 years ago)
Original post by los lobos marinos
Spoiler
Thanks for the reply
makes me feel slightly more positive that for some guys it's not a big deal and they don't mind. Haha I guess you're right. I just really like him but at the end of the day, I want my next boyfriend to understand me and not be judgmental like my previous one (he tried to convince me that I didn't have mental health problems). xOriginal post by jazzykinks
More SH related than ED related but I know I can come to you guys.
Spoiler
Spoiler
Original post by PonchoKid
Spoiler
Spoiler
Hey,
I have experienced the same thing during my recovery! Been at a day service now for around 6 months and have been assured by many of the people there that these kind of mood changes are quite normal (but I'd seek help and advice if you believe it's becoming detrimental to your recovery). I've been told it's due to suppressed hormones and emotions kicking back in. It's hard to understand how things can change so quickly though isn't it?
Just ignore it & keep going.
I have experienced the same thing during my recovery! Been at a day service now for around 6 months and have been assured by many of the people there that these kind of mood changes are quite normal (but I'd seek help and advice if you believe it's becoming detrimental to your recovery). I've been told it's due to suppressed hormones and emotions kicking back in. It's hard to understand how things can change so quickly though isn't it?
Just ignore it & keep going.
Original post by Cinnie
Any advice? My mood has been up down up down and I've been getting more and more detached, and people are noticing. People are talking to me and I just don't hear them. More significantly, all three of my housemates are on diets, one of whom is eating no hot food, basically just fruit and salads... But then kind of binging one day a week. It's massively triggering especially as we all spend a lot of time together. I don't know where my head is but I have gained a couple of pounds and it has made me pretty confused about what to do.. To ignore it or diet for a couple of weeks....
Posted from TSR Mobile
Posted from TSR Mobile
Original post by PonchoKid
Umm I've been a bit of a state since uni to be honest but yeah missed my occupational health appointment and now cant go to placement until I've been :'(
And yeah got forced by welfare team to go to Dr's Thursday.
Spoiler
Original post by 05autyt
Umm I've been a bit of a state since uni to be honest but yeah missed my occupational health appointment and now cant go to placement until I've been :'(
And yeah got forced by welfare team to go to Dr's Thursday.
And yeah got forced by welfare team to go to Dr's Thursday.
Spoiler
oh sweatheart -cuddles-. FWIW, you probably do look grey. I know when i'm cold/ not well, my legs look that horrid bluey/grey/purple colour.
Original post by Anonymous
oh sweatheart -cuddles-. FWIW, you probably do look grey. I know when i'm cold/ not well, my legs look that horrid bluey/grey/purple colour.
Yeah I properly looked at myself in the mirror and I guess I don't exactly look healthy :/ but it currently doesn't bother me half as much as it should :/
I have to interject.
Last week's group session I set up with my local members really opened my eyes to how people are spurred to get better.
They say "you catch more flies with honey than you will with vinegar". But sometimes, in order to appreciate the sweetness of honey, you need to experience the bitter acidity of vinegar.
What I'm saying is, when you're struggling, the first reaction is to go BIG HUGS, CUDDLE CUDDLE, THERE THERE, you're doing fine, *wipes your face and sends you on your way*. But this is not productive to help you heal. It's positive reinforcement for negative stimulus.
You KNOW you're killing yourself. All this talk of feeling "elated" when the numbers go down; what are you achieving? Like, what meaningful event has just occurred? I can answer that - your body has taken yet another significant blow, another massive decrease in health. It may have started as dropping a few pounds - but now, people actively think you look sick and gaunt - early stages of a walking corpse. Maybe your appearance no longer matters to you - it's when this happens that it's the beginning of the end.
Only YOU are able to stymie your brain when he tells you something innately backwards. "Punching yourself in the face hurts. Punch yourself in the face." Why are you saying "Okay, then. I'm powerless to defy it anyway". - you're never powerless. You are excusing arbitrary things.
Only when you start to question all the stupid, nonsensical things you're placing worth on do you realise - each time you "succeed" in anorexic behaviours , you take a step backwards. All the reality you're seeing with your own eyes gets one step further away. More elusive.
Question these things. Question them TODAY, not soon. You'll get no reward or praise from myself and I urge my peers to help me to help YOU guys, and praise our struggling friends ONLY when they seek to help themselves AND make progress to heal - not when they feel pangs of excitement from self-harm and slow death.
Please trust me on this one.
Last week's group session I set up with my local members really opened my eyes to how people are spurred to get better.
They say "you catch more flies with honey than you will with vinegar". But sometimes, in order to appreciate the sweetness of honey, you need to experience the bitter acidity of vinegar.
What I'm saying is, when you're struggling, the first reaction is to go BIG HUGS, CUDDLE CUDDLE, THERE THERE, you're doing fine, *wipes your face and sends you on your way*. But this is not productive to help you heal. It's positive reinforcement for negative stimulus.
You KNOW you're killing yourself. All this talk of feeling "elated" when the numbers go down; what are you achieving? Like, what meaningful event has just occurred? I can answer that - your body has taken yet another significant blow, another massive decrease in health. It may have started as dropping a few pounds - but now, people actively think you look sick and gaunt - early stages of a walking corpse. Maybe your appearance no longer matters to you - it's when this happens that it's the beginning of the end.
Only YOU are able to stymie your brain when he tells you something innately backwards. "Punching yourself in the face hurts. Punch yourself in the face." Why are you saying "Okay, then. I'm powerless to defy it anyway". - you're never powerless. You are excusing arbitrary things.
Only when you start to question all the stupid, nonsensical things you're placing worth on do you realise - each time you "succeed" in anorexic behaviours , you take a step backwards. All the reality you're seeing with your own eyes gets one step further away. More elusive.
Question these things. Question them TODAY, not soon. You'll get no reward or praise from myself and I urge my peers to help me to help YOU guys, and praise our struggling friends ONLY when they seek to help themselves AND make progress to heal - not when they feel pangs of excitement from self-harm and slow death.
Please trust me on this one.
Original post by TotoMimo
I have to interject.
Last week's group session I set up with my local members really opened my eyes to how people are spurred to get better.
They say "you catch more flies with honey than you will with vinegar". But sometimes, in order to appreciate the sweetness of honey, you need to experience the bitter acidity of vinegar.
What I'm saying is, when you're struggling, the first reaction is to go BIG HUGS, CUDDLE CUDDLE, THERE THERE, you're doing fine, *wipes your face and sends you on your way*. But this is not productive to help you heal. It's positive reinforcement for negative stimulus.
You KNOW you're killing yourself. All this talk of feeling "elated" when the numbers go down; what are you achieving? Like, what meaningful event has just occurred? I can answer that - your body has taken yet another significant blow, another massive decrease in health. It may have started as dropping a few pounds - but now, people actively think you look sick and gaunt - early stages of a walking corpse. Maybe your appearance no longer matters to you - it's when this happens that it's the beginning of the end.
Only YOU are able to stymie your brain when he tells you something innately backwards. "Punching yourself in the face hurts. Punch yourself in the face." Why are you saying "Okay, then. I'm powerless to defy it anyway". - you're never powerless. You are excusing arbitrary things.
Only when you start to question all the stupid, nonsensical things you're placing worth on do you realise - each time you "succeed" in anorexic behaviours , you take a step backwards. All the reality you're seeing with your own eyes gets one step further away. More elusive.
Question these things. Question them TODAY, not soon. You'll get no reward or praise from myself and I urge my peers to help me to help YOU guys, and praise our struggling friends ONLY when they seek to help themselves AND make progress to heal - not when they feel pangs of excitement from self-harm and slow death.
Please trust me on this one.
Last week's group session I set up with my local members really opened my eyes to how people are spurred to get better.
They say "you catch more flies with honey than you will with vinegar". But sometimes, in order to appreciate the sweetness of honey, you need to experience the bitter acidity of vinegar.
What I'm saying is, when you're struggling, the first reaction is to go BIG HUGS, CUDDLE CUDDLE, THERE THERE, you're doing fine, *wipes your face and sends you on your way*. But this is not productive to help you heal. It's positive reinforcement for negative stimulus.
You KNOW you're killing yourself. All this talk of feeling "elated" when the numbers go down; what are you achieving? Like, what meaningful event has just occurred? I can answer that - your body has taken yet another significant blow, another massive decrease in health. It may have started as dropping a few pounds - but now, people actively think you look sick and gaunt - early stages of a walking corpse. Maybe your appearance no longer matters to you - it's when this happens that it's the beginning of the end.
Only YOU are able to stymie your brain when he tells you something innately backwards. "Punching yourself in the face hurts. Punch yourself in the face." Why are you saying "Okay, then. I'm powerless to defy it anyway". - you're never powerless. You are excusing arbitrary things.
Only when you start to question all the stupid, nonsensical things you're placing worth on do you realise - each time you "succeed" in anorexic behaviours , you take a step backwards. All the reality you're seeing with your own eyes gets one step further away. More elusive.
Question these things. Question them TODAY, not soon. You'll get no reward or praise from myself and I urge my peers to help me to help YOU guys, and praise our struggling friends ONLY when they seek to help themselves AND make progress to heal - not when they feel pangs of excitement from self-harm and slow death.
Please trust me on this one.
You are right. I do know.. I just feel stuck right now. I'm struggling to change it because the sick bit of my brain is enjoying it so much. I feel stuck and trapped
Original post by 05autyt
Yeah I properly looked at myself in the mirror and I guess I don't exactly look healthy :/ but it currently doesn't bother me half as much as it should :/
And if even you can tell ' O_o, I do look a funny colour, they were right' then you really, really are not well.
Original post by Anonymous
And if even you can tell ' O_o, I do look a funny colour, they were right' then you really, really are not well.
Ummm i just don't know what to do anymore :'(
Posted from TSR Mobile
YOUR WEAPONS WHEN EMBARKING ON RECOVERY FROM AN EATING DISORDER: PACK THEM ALL.
If you cannot get every one of these, then you are not doing all you can to recover!
1): THE TEAMMATES
Number one for a reason. You need the support of medical professionals, yes, but you also need a confidant. At least one person you tell the absolute truth to; these teammates will be your backbone when you lose your own.
2): MILESTONE MENTALITY.
Every day is a new day. When you start this brand new morning, what you did the day before is meaningless - forgotten - past. That includes your failings AND your successes. If you have a bad day, don't beat yourself up about it. If you have a good day, don't rest solely on your single day of praise; resting on your laurels makes you lazy and complacent. Likewise, set up at least one or two days a week to meet your "team" and discuss all of your anxieties. Even just saying the words aloud and letting a peer, pal or relative hear - it's such an amazing feeling.
3): ED-RADAR.
You have conditioned your mind to think in a way that is absolutely backwards. So you at least know all the things to watch out for in day to day life. You, yourself, know when you are being triggered, being hurt inside, and the situations that might present themselves with those things in them. But instead of hiding from the big bad world and living in a bubble, go about your day normally, mindful of your triggers. If you face them head on, with the blips always on your "radar", you find you are never caught off-guard. The increased level of alertness will also eventually boost your inner confidence as you approach your scenarios prepared and ready.
4): DAILY GOLD-STAR SUPPLY.
Every day, wake up, and look at yourself. If not yourself in the mirror, then yourself spiritually, mentally - as a person. Every single day, give yourself a metaphorical gold star for something great about yourself. It might be something really daft but means something to you specifically; it may be something tremendous. But the only rule is - you can't pick the same thing twice. As you look deeper to find things you like about yourself, you strive further and further to better the qualities you already knew were improving. Not only does your confidence creep up, but you start to understand that you are not just a list of minuses; there are so many things about you that are wonderful, and your gold stars only signify this each day.
5): OPTIMISM.
Because nobody ever climbed a mountain thinking they can't even climb a staircase. You will not heal unless you are willing to truly try.
Gather up these weapons, and you are ready to start the healing process. When you feel yourself faltering, just check that you still have all five of these weapons. If you don't, muster up some courage to bring them back, and get recovering.
And remember - you are the core. Weapons do nothing without YOU. And YOU CAN DO IT.
If you cannot get every one of these, then you are not doing all you can to recover!
1): THE TEAMMATES
Number one for a reason. You need the support of medical professionals, yes, but you also need a confidant. At least one person you tell the absolute truth to; these teammates will be your backbone when you lose your own.
2): MILESTONE MENTALITY.
Every day is a new day. When you start this brand new morning, what you did the day before is meaningless - forgotten - past. That includes your failings AND your successes. If you have a bad day, don't beat yourself up about it. If you have a good day, don't rest solely on your single day of praise; resting on your laurels makes you lazy and complacent. Likewise, set up at least one or two days a week to meet your "team" and discuss all of your anxieties. Even just saying the words aloud and letting a peer, pal or relative hear - it's such an amazing feeling.
3): ED-RADAR.
You have conditioned your mind to think in a way that is absolutely backwards. So you at least know all the things to watch out for in day to day life. You, yourself, know when you are being triggered, being hurt inside, and the situations that might present themselves with those things in them. But instead of hiding from the big bad world and living in a bubble, go about your day normally, mindful of your triggers. If you face them head on, with the blips always on your "radar", you find you are never caught off-guard. The increased level of alertness will also eventually boost your inner confidence as you approach your scenarios prepared and ready.
4): DAILY GOLD-STAR SUPPLY.
Every day, wake up, and look at yourself. If not yourself in the mirror, then yourself spiritually, mentally - as a person. Every single day, give yourself a metaphorical gold star for something great about yourself. It might be something really daft but means something to you specifically; it may be something tremendous. But the only rule is - you can't pick the same thing twice. As you look deeper to find things you like about yourself, you strive further and further to better the qualities you already knew were improving. Not only does your confidence creep up, but you start to understand that you are not just a list of minuses; there are so many things about you that are wonderful, and your gold stars only signify this each day.
5): OPTIMISM.
Because nobody ever climbed a mountain thinking they can't even climb a staircase. You will not heal unless you are willing to truly try.
Gather up these weapons, and you are ready to start the healing process. When you feel yourself faltering, just check that you still have all five of these weapons. If you don't, muster up some courage to bring them back, and get recovering.
And remember - you are the core. Weapons do nothing without YOU. And YOU CAN DO IT.
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