So, I realised this lately. That in terms of relationships with people I am going nowhere fast. Yet, I am a bit of a tough spot because I find it very tough to truly warm to people and trust them. I graduated this summer from university and I do realise that my relationships were based on convenience, politics and shallow reasons rather than real friendship and love.
There was just so much conflict in my life in university, I had several grudges in my department. It was me and my friends (more allies) against another group of people. There were a lot of spats and attempts to belittle each other. A lot of childish name calling and intimidation. A lot of cliquish behaviour. But, I grew a bit tiresome of it by the end. No one really faced each other face to face either. It was more a case of laughing with your friends at the other person/people when we were in a group (and they were there). And vice versa. Just a lot of pointless factionalism and mud slinging. None of us even keep in contact with each other anymore. After graduation, it turned out that my best mate in the group basically took my other mate's girlfriend and they were having a fling long before anyone found out. People took sides and went their separate ways.
My relationships with women were disappointing. I am tierd of meeting girls who I just don't seem to 'click' with. I have done the whole one night stand scene in university and I just got bored with it, I just want a girl that stimulates me intellectually. Personality is very important to me and I have not found that type of girl I like, the challenging intellectual type. I am not looking for something serious. I find it weird that my friends are settling down with long term partners and I am just not ready to 'grow up' yet. It is just a bit like I am stuck in limbo. I go to bars, nightclubs and student events to sleep with women because I want sex as a human need, but it reduces me to something of an unsophisticated animal, it is a bit sad. I know all the games they play and I play them myself, but these women are so 'simple', it is just the typical games they play. There is none of the same real interests that I have (literature, history, challenging personality). I have not met anyone that really challenges my mind, so I don't know what it feels like to be involved in that 'spiritual' level with a woman. It is difficult to really put into words because of my lack of experiencing it. For me, it is just emptiness.
Does anyone ever feel the same? It is strange, because I sort of think that I just tire of people, other parts of my life are going great.