How to end a long distance relationship? Boyfriend moved abroad.

I've been in a relationship with a boy for a year and a half.
We've been really good friends since we were about 12 or 13 and when we were 15, we got together.

The situation between us has recently become rather complicated...
- His parents decided to move from the UK to Malta, taking him with them, therefore uprooting him and damaging our relationship. Putting us into a long distance relationship.
- He is meant to start sixth form there in January, but he will be a whole term behind everyone else, and we both are worried he will have to do an extra year.
- I won't have seen him for about 4 months as his parents won't let him come over until the end of his first term.

I thought we would work as a long distance relationship but it's so hard and because I used to suffer from depression and I live by myself, and I get SO lonely and upset now he's not around.
- Any time I tell him I am unhappy and upset he tells me that he is unhappy too but he can't come back to England because he has to be with his family.
- He always brings up that when we both turn 18 we can get married and be together again.

This is really stressing me out because I feel like I'm too young to be getting so serious, I don't want to marry him just yet! I just want to be single and have fun and just enjoy my life a bit, and if he comes back then maybe we could try again, but right now it's not what I want.

I have told him this, but he always makes me feel very guilty and upset telling me that 'im the only girl he ever wants to be with' and 'itd kill him if I was with someone else.'

I'm gonna be 17 in like 2 days and I don't think I want to be in the relationship anymore.

A further issue also developed a few weeks ago, as we took a 'relationship break' and didn't speak for about a week. I thought it was over and I had a thing with another guy.
My boyfriend then called me apologising and saying he realised that he couldn't let me be with anyone else and when I told him, he cried down the phone for about an hour and at the end said he didn't care because he still wanted to be with me and was willing to forgive me.
This makes me feel so bad as I know he really cares about me but I don't want to be with him any more, but every time I try and end it he makes me feel very guilty.

This is the first proper relationship I've been in and it is just becoming so stressful and a strain on my life. I know that I don't love him any more but he makes me feel so bad for trying to leave and says 'Im breaking his heart' and 'We should try harder as we've been together so long.'

I really really don't know what to do any more, I've tried ending it and I don't wanna end up just cheating on him but I don't want to be in a long distance relationship with him and it makes me feel so confused and unhappy.

Has anyone else been in a situation like this? Please help with any suggestions.

p.s sorry this post is so big :/

Reply 1

beckyb96

I have been in a LDR for a while now, and I can tell you it is hard. But there are advantages as well as disadvantages.

I have come up with a few suggestions for you :smile:

- You say you get lonely and upset, which is normal in a LDR, my suggestion is to join some clubs or something to meet people of oyur own age. Do you Skype one another, or is it only phone calls? Skype can make it a lot easier to cope when he's away

- I agree with you that you are a bit young to be getting married. But as well as this you say that you 'just want to be single and have fun...and if he comes back then maybe we could try again, but right now it's not what I want'and that you don't think I want to be in the relationship any more' You both have to be happy in the relationship, and you have both said that you are not. I think you should talk it through with him and see what he says. You say he cares about you a lot, but that you do not love him any more. It would be unfair on both of you to carry the relationship on.
If he really cared about you, he would let you go as you are so unhappy.

As well as this you say the relationship is a strain on your life. A relationship should not feel like this. Your both young and it's not fair on the both of you, you will both end up unhappy or you could look for love elsewhere

Have a talk with him. Make him sit and listen. Do it face to face if you can, if not then Skype would be your next best thing so that you can make sure his full attention is on you.
You need to tell him that you do not want to be in a long distance relationship, and he should respect that. Don’t let it carry on though...

Good luck :smile:

Reply 2

HibbsicleBean19

I would completely agree with everything that beckyb96 says.
Having been in a failed LDR (we had been going out for almost a year and then he broke up with me in October a month after we went to uni) I would really encourage that the both of you have to be completely committed to each other to make it work. At the moment it really doesn't sound like you know what you want and this isn't a great basis for an LDR.
Also I would say that you're too young at the moment to really be thinking that you want to spend the rest of your life with someone. University (if one or both of you decides to go) is a really big time of your life and people DO change - even within the first few months. This might also lead to problems where one of you has a completely different plan of what you want in your life compared to the other in the future and you're just incompatible.
My ultimate advice is: talk to him. Tell him exactly how you feel. Warn him that you're not completely happy before you talk(my ex failed to do this so it came as a complete shock because I didn't know that he was unhappy at all) and have a proper, adult conversation.
Lastly, even if you break up now, you could meet up again somewhere down the line and be completely happy again :smile:

Good Luck!! :smile:

Reply 3

canadamoose

As someone who is also in a long distance relationship between countries (England/Canada, so there is the Atlantic between us), I know how hard it can be. My advice to you is to tell him that you no longer want to be in a relationship with him because the distance is too much and you want someone who can be with you at a moment's notice. If you're thinking about being with other people, then it's not worth sticking with someone hundreds, if not thousands of miles away.

Reply 4

yasariansajm

Original post by beckyb96

I've tried to do the whole 'distract yourself' thing. Like, I started going swimming and going running but I'm constantly working and trying to fit in time for clubs that have to be a constant commitment aren't really an option for me. We don't skype because my internet is so bad it freezes or doesn't load and it's painfully slow, on the RARE occasion, we facetime using Ipads but it's pretty rubbish and we just get annoyed. We talk for hours on facebook on some days, other days we only talk for about 5 minutes.

Original post by beckyb96

- I agree with you that you are a bit young to be getting married. But as well as this you say that you 'just want to be single and have fun...and if he comes back then maybe we could try again, but right now it's not what I want'and that you don't think I want to be in the relationship any more' You both have to be happy in the relationship, and you have both said that you are not. I think you should talk it through with him and see what he says. You say he cares about you a lot, but that you do not love him any more. It would be unfair on both of you to carry the relationship on.
If he really cared about you, he would let you go as you are so unhappy.

As well as this you say the relationship is a strain on your life. A relationship should not feel like this. Your both young and it's not fair on the both of you, you will both end up unhappy or you could look for love elsewhere

Have a talk with him. Make him sit and listen. Do it face to face if you can, if not then Skype would be your next best thing so that you can make sure his full attention is on you.
You need to tell him that you do not want to be in a long distance relationship, and he should respect that. Don’t let it carry on though...

Good luck :smile:

He's now coming over just after christmas so we can talk face to face then. The biggest problem I still face is that we have been/ were good friends for a long time and I'm afraid to loose him as a friend but at the same time, I can't bear the long distance thing, I'm not mentally stable or ready to cope with something that has become so stressful.
Thank you for you're comments though, It's easier to see that other people think we should break up as well, because it has been SO confusing recently ... :s-smilie:

Reply 5

yasariansajm

Original post by canadamoose

If you're thinking about being with other people, then it's not worth sticking with someone hundreds, if not thousands of miles away.

This is so true! And exactly how I've been thinking about it, the relationship isn't strong enough to cope I don't think... :confused:

Thank you for taking the time to reply <3

Reply 6

nic-nac

You seem a bit young to been in a situation this serious/complicated :s-smilie:

Reply 7

yasariansajm

Original post by HibbsicleBean19

Lastly, even if you break up now, you could meet up again somewhere down the line and be completely happy again :smile:

Good Luck!! :smile:

Thank you for your comment, what you said here makes me realise how much I'm afraid to be alone and it's really reassuring that you think I might meet someone else eventually.... I think I've felt forced to stay with him because no one else will 'put up with my temper' or 'accept all my problems'
but thank you, because this is so nice and reasurring!

Reply 8

beckyb96

Original post by yasariansajm

.
He's now coming over just after christmas so we can talk face to face then. The biggest problem I still face is that we have been/ were good friends for a long time and I'm afraid to loose him as a friend but at the same time, I can't bear the long distance thing, I'm not mentally stable or ready to cope with something that has become so stressful.
Thank you for you're comments though, It's easier to see that other people think we should break up as well, because it has been SO confusing recently ... :s-smilie:

If you don't want to lose him as a friend, maybe try being pen pals or something similar. Long Distance Friends if you like, then when he comes back you can try again with the relationship side of things. It's not fair that its making you so stressed, and he should accept it and do what's right for the both of you :smile: