Dear England
Do you remember 1997?
You finally figured out what we had known for years. You figured out that the vast majority of us would be much better off with any government other than the Tories. You voted in droves to get rid of them and we celebrated together. We were filled with optimism and rightly so. The quality of life for most people in the UK improved greatly over the next decade. A list of 50 our gains can be found below, in case you've forgotten.
Labour won that election by a huge majority but they were far from the only political party who did well. Just about every party other than the Tories made huge gains and it seemed like people were realising that there are more than 2 options on the ballot.
Then came the recession. The legacy of Thatcher's yuppification of the City of London in the 80s. The actions of super-rich Tory voters, Tory donors, Tory lobbyists and Tory policy beneficiaries contributed to a massive international crisis. We wanted Gordon Brown to fix it for us but it was too big a job.
Times got bad and you got weak-willed and forgetful. David Cameron capitalised. The Conservatives could "make things better without spending more money", he said, and had radical plans to "help the poorest, protect the NHS, help people find work and support families".
Scotland, Wales and Northern Ireland knew it was a pack of lies and collectively gave him only 3 seats. England fell for it hook, line and sinker. You actually let him have enough seats to become Prime Minister. How daft do you feel now?
We are all suffering so much now thanks to your abject gullibility. It's always the kids who suffer the most. The thing is, we're now big enough to move out. If you hadn't let the abusive father figure that is the Tory party move back in we'd probably want to stay. You keep forgiving and forgetting. You keep electing Tories.
Enough is enough. It's time for us to have a new home that we know will never be painted blue. We need to be free of the Tories. We will no longer put up with austerity from the bottom up. We will no longer put up with our Grannies freezing and starving to death. We will no longer put up with parents going hungry so they can afford to feed and clothe their kids. We will no longer put up with a ruling class of leeches draining our resources from where they are needed in order to make themselves and their old boarding school classmates even more disgustingly rich.
We want to be prosperous and the only way we can be is if we aren't ever ruled by Tories. We can only achieve that by having our own government.
Of course we will still think of you as family. We can still visit each other for holidays. We'll still buy your fantastic pork pies, hams, sauces, clotted cream and telly programs. We'll still sell you salmon, whiskey and raspberries. You're welcome to come round for a kickabout anytime and we hope to keep enjoying Jools' Hootenanny together.
We hope you can follow our example and get yourselves a parliament essentially contested by 3 different liberal parties who all seem to have genuine intent to improve everyone's standard of living. Otherwise you'll probably end up losing Wales and Northern Ireland too.
Best wishes and best of luck
Scotland
P.S. Since we have next to no Tory, BNP or UKIP representation, there probably won't be much opposition to half of you coming to stay as economic migrants.
What we gained between 1997 and 2010 and are now rapidly losing:
1. Longest period of sustained low inflation since the 60s.
2. Low mortgage rates.
3. Introduced the National Minimum Wage and raised it to £5.52.
4. Over 14,000 more police in England and Wales.
5. Cut overall crime by 32 per cent.
6. Record levels of literacy and numeracy in schools.
7. Young people achieving some of the best ever results at 14, 16, and 18.
8. Funding for every pupil in England has doubled.
9. Employment is at its highest level ever.
10. Written off up to 100 per cent of debt owed by poorest countries.
11. 85,000 more nurses.
12. 32,000 more doctors.
13. Brought back matrons to hospital wards.
14. Devolved power to the Scottish Parliament.
15. Devolved power to the Welsh Assembly.
16. Dads now get paternity leave of 2 weeks for the first time.
17. NHS Direct offering free convenient patient advice.
18. Gift aid was worth £828 million to charities last year.
19. Restored city-wide government to London.
20. Record number of students in higher education.
21. Child benefit up 26 per cent since 1997.
22. Delivered 2,200 Sure Start Children’s Centres.
23. Introduced the Equality and Human Rights Commission.
24. £200 winter fuel payment to pensioners & up to £300 for over-80s.
25. On course to exceed our Kyoto target for reducing greenhouse gas emissions.
26. Restored devolved government to Northern Ireland.
27. Over 36,000 more teachers in England and 274,000 more support staff and teaching assistants.
28. All full time workers now have a right to 24 days paid holiday.
29. A million pensioners lifted out of poverty.
30. 600,000 children lifted out of relative poverty.
31. Introduced child tax credit giving more money to parents.
32. Scrapped Section 28 and introduced Civil Partnerships.
33. Brought over 1 million social homes up to standard.
34. Inpatient waiting lists down by over half a million since 1997.
35. Banned fox hunting.
36. Cleanest rivers, beaches, drinking water and air since before the industrial revolution.
37. Free TV licences for over-75s.
38. Banned fur farming and the testing of cosmetics on animals.
39. Free breast cancer screening for all women aged between 50-70.
40. Free off peak local bus travel for over-60s.
41. New Deal – helped over 1.8 million people into work.
42. Over 3 million child trust funds have been started.
43. Free eye test for over 60s.
44. More than doubled the number of apprenticeships.
45. Free entry to national museums and galleries.
46. Overseas aid budget more than doubled.
47. Heart disease deaths down by 150,000 and cancer deaths down by 50,000.
48. Cut long-term youth unemployment by 75 per cent.
49. Free nursery places for every three and four-year-olds.
50. Free fruit for most four to six-year-olds at school.