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i don't understand the logic of.self acceptance

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Reply 80
Original post by Riku
Alright TSR, the truth is I've always had social anxiety and felt a little like I didn't fit in, but since I developed anxiety problems
I have on off social phobia. I h

Each time anxiety strikes as different obsessions
in 2010-11 it was a belief I was dying/had heart disease so eating and exercise became scary. It stll is a bit
in 2012 it was this notion of being an alpha male who everyone looks up to and girls fall for. Crucial to this for me was going to the gym, thanks BB misc
This along with 'being a man' and growing up but in process took life way too seriously (remember I often think I'm dying)

but it was also thinking I have to not upset my parents by not being obsessed with gym equals don't go to gym which just raised my stress and made me feel depressed. Also means eat lots of cake (all or nothing, think literally)
last year it was those two plus my ex gf and her guy friend, basically the alpha male thing although tbh he is just another cute geeky guy without huuge insecurities. By the looks of it he's still insecure and not this sex god I make him out to be...

Then there are some very weird obsessive thoyghts which I won't go into

of all of these there is underlying
general social anxiety and awk at hiding stuff irl esp in a drinking culture
Plus fears of growing up, my career path, the future, all my friends moving on etc.

Idk whether that helps


what really irks me about this is that you know you are being irrational, you know what your problems are, you constantly ask for advice and yet you never do anything to change a thing.

I mean take the gym thing for example. You don't want to upset your parents by becoming obsessed with the gym so you don't go to the gym at all... why?! you know perfectly well it would be simple to find a middle ground between doing no exercise and doing nothing but exercise. You worry so much about doing something that you end up doing nothing, and you are never going to get anywhere if you don't at least try to move forward.

I don't think I am alone when I say that as much as I like you I am beginning to get tired of this. You could fill a few books with the advice people have posted to you here and you are still stuck in the same place. Just seek professional help and get yourself diagnosed because you clearly have some sort of mental health issue, from what I have heard it sounds like you might be on the OCD spectrum.
Just accept your lack of understanding.
Original post by Riku
I completely understand showing your best qualities and improving yourself. I do not understand being prepared to admit your lesser qualities to people or even being content with the way you are, that you are an imperfect human being and that is actually ok?! Surely you should just improve everything and reach perfection, given a choice between someone 90% perfect and 95% perfect you will always choose the 95% perfect person ofc?!

It is just completely illogical to think that revealing that you are not as superhuman and godly as someone once thought you were is going to do anything except slightly turn them off you and make them look for the more perfect person


If you're only happy when you're perfect, then you're never going to be happy. Absolute perfection is impossible. Besides, most people breath a huge sigh of relief when they see that someone is not perfect. Appearing perfect can make other people feel bad about themselves.

You should always try to improve everything about yourself, but its not possible to always be improving all of the time. If you think happiness is about achieving perfection then you don't understand the concept of happiness at all. The definition of happiness is being content with what you have.
Reply 83
Original post by lucaf
what really irks me about this is that you know you are being irrational, you know what your problems are, you constantly ask for advice and yet you never do anything to change a thing.

I mean take the gym thing for example. You don't want to upset your parents by becoming obsessed with the gym so you don't go to the gym at all... why?! you know perfectly well it would be simple to find a middle ground between doing no exercise and doing nothing but exercise. You worry so much about doing something that you end up doing nothing, and you are never going to get anywhere if you don't at least try to move forward.

I don't think I am alone when I say that as much as I like you I am beginning to get tired of this. You could fill a few books with the advice people have posted to you here and you are still stuck in the same place. Just seek professional help and get yourself diagnosed because you clearly have some sort of mental health issue, from what I have heard it sounds like you might be on the OCD spectrum.


I'm currently going to the gym twice a week doing weight anf slowly.building cardio too so gym thing is currently not a big problem, but social anxiety and weirf obsessive thoughts incl gym relatef and even erm libido related, are still present. Working on reducing them
Reply 84
Original post by FishLover
People don't want to date androids, Riku. ( unless it's a weird fetish thing). How would you even determine how perfect a person is? . Finding a partner is not the same as shopping for a piece of furniture. You don't just replace the old one when as soon as a new shiny one is available.
Stop overanalysing everything and prioritise what makes you happy over what might make others happy. Stop obsessing over how others percieve you. You are extremely insecure and you need to work on that.


Well she replaced me (I think) for someone who appears to be a 'better', happier, less socially awkward and far less openly neurotic version of myself :-S
Reply 85
Original post by Riku
I'm currently going to the gym twice a week doing weight anf slowly.building cardio too so gym thing is currently not a big problem, but social anxiety and weirf obsessive thoughts incl gym relatef and even erm libido related, are still present. Working on reducing them


yeah, you sound pretty a bit OCD. you might want to get that checked out.
The people who strive for perfection tend to be more successful and less depressed all the time.
Original post by Riku
Well she replaced me (I think) for someone who appears to be a 'better', happier, less socially awkward and far less openly neurotic version of myself :-S

She may have "replaced" you but that doesn't mean she is going to replace the guy she's dating every time someone "better" comes along. She probably didn't even 'replace' you. It's perfectly normal to realise that you don't want to continue dating someone and break things off with them. She didn't think it was 'right with you so she broke up with you. Then she started dating another guy.Her decision to start dating another person has nothing to do with you. It's not about replacing YOU. She is probably dating this other guy because she spent some time with him and thought "he's a great guy" and not because she thought " he's approximately 30% better than Riku. It's time for an upgrade". She might have broken up with you because of the way you are though. It's very difficult to be tolerant of people who behave like you do ( I speak from experience).
Original post by Riku
Confused? Genuinely.


I assume you were talking about romantic rejection there, in which case no, maybe that person just doesn't like you very much.

Sorry, it was just your use of 'responsibility' that made me giggle.
Reply 89
Original post by FishLover
She may have "replaced" you but that doesn't mean she is going to replace the guy she's dating every time someone "better" comes along. She probably didn't even 'replace' you. It's perfectly normal to realise that you don't want to continue dating someone and break things off with them. She didn't think it was 'right with you so she broke up with you. Then she started dating another guy.Her decision to start dating another person has nothing to do with you. It's not about replacing YOU. She is probably dating this other guy because she spent some time with him and thought "he's a great guy" and not because she thought " he's approximately 30% better than Riku. It's time for an upgrade". She might have broken up with you because of the way you are though. It's very difficult to be tolerant of people who behave like you do ( I speak from experience).


Yeah I understand that my more obsessive side is off putting...but I did my best not to show her that. She doesn't even KNOW about Riku I hope. She knew I had anxiety and was a little depressed but only the start of the 'OCD' which I might have.
So idk what I did wrong, I just pointed out a few times why I felt uncomfortable that she talked about this guy so much, flirted with him and almost ignored me when he was around, and most importantly chose to hang out with him rather than me at my own birthday party :-S
She also said this 'he's just a friend, you will never be replaced' bs line
Reply 90
Original post by Катя
I assume you were talking about romantic rejection there, in which case no, maybe that person just doesn't like you very much.

Sorry, it was just your use of 'responsibility' that made me giggle.


But if someone doesn't like you.but likes someone who is you in many ways.but better and less flawed, it follows that you are simply the inferior human to the better person doesn't it? :-S
Original post by Riku
I said this to anotner guy and he just lol'd saying I was living in an idealistic fairyland, not the age of capitalism and the selfie

but it isn't perfect, so how can it be ok? It's all well and good loving yourself for who you are but for the general population there are objective criteria determining levels of attraction and the winner will always be the candidate resembling perfection the closest


But what you think is perfect can be different to someone else's idea of perfect. What you see as a flaw might be a good thing to someone else. It's all subjective.
Original post by Riku
But if someone doesn't like you.but likes someone who is you in many ways.but better and less flawed, it follows that you are simply the inferior human to the better person doesn't it? :-S


'But likes someone who is you in many ways but is better and less flawed' maybe they like the OTHER qualities that the 1st person didn't have? Doesn't mean they're better because someone would also be attracted to the first person.
Reply 93
Original post by WeirdlyWonderful
But what you think is perfect can be different to someone else's idea of perfect. What you see as a flaw might be a good thing to someone else. It's all subjective.



Original post by WeirdlyWonderful
'But likes someone who is you in many ways but is better and less flawed' maybe they like the OTHER qualities that the 1st person didn't have? Doesn't mean they're better because someone would also be attracted to the first person.


In general attraction isn't subjective, if one person is attractive and the other isn't then there's usually a reason and indeed consensus on who's who. :-S
Moreover if one becomes less attractive to another over time imo it is one's own fault thus responsibility to amend
Reply 94
Original post by majmuh24
No one is perfect, and you can either try hopelessly to achieve perfection or just be OK with who you are.

Posted from TSR Mobile

Achieving perfection is impossible, but by chasing it you can achieve excellence.
Original post by Riku
In general attraction isn't subjective, if one person is attractive and the other isn't then there's usually a reason and indeed consensus on who's who. :-S
Moreover if one becomes less attractive to another over time imo it is one's own fault thus responsibility to amend


Who cares if they become less attractive over time? Pretty sure that's how it works if your past age 40 anyways. And if they're happily married or in a relationship, it's not like their other half would leave them simply because their partner became 'less attractive looking' :s-smilie:
Reply 96
Original post by Copperknickers
If you're only happy when you're perfect, then you're never going to be happy. Absolute perfection is impossible. Besides, most people breath a huge sigh of relief when they see that someone is not perfect. Appearing perfect can make other people feel bad about themselves.

You should always try to improve everything about yourself, but its not possible to always be improving all of the time. If you think happiness is about achieving perfection then you don't understand the concept of happiness at all. The definition of happiness is being content with what you have.


Exactly so happiness and self improvement are almost incompatible facets, but only the latter causes objective success :-S

It's not that I'm not happy, it's just that I'm chronically tense and stressed about certain values such as success and power that they border on obsessions and contribute to me feeling isolated and alone since it appears I am unable to 'chill' and 'have fun' since I take evrything so seriously as well as being afraid of people constantly judging me, thus living in a state of hypersensitivity to avoid a loss of control and security which further leaves me isolated and confused as to where my life is going especially when that control ks threatened by others most typically peers my parents and food.
That and an overactive mind keeping me up into the early hours sometimes.
Reply 97
Original post by WeirdlyWonderful
Who cares if they become less attractive over time? Pretty sure that's how it works if your past age 40 anyways. And if they're happily married or in a relationship, it's not like their other half would leave them simply because their partner became 'less attractive looking' :s-smilie:


I mean a girl who once idolised me now won't answer a bloody text and I have no freaking idea why :-(
Original post by Riku
I mean a girl who once idolised me now won't answer a bloody text and I have no freaking idea why :-(


:frown:
(edited 9 years ago)
Reply 99
Original post by WeirdlyWonderful
Oh come onnnn. You started this whole thing because of that? Were you guys in a relationship or?


No I made a billion threads about it already.
Yes she was a girlfriend of sorts. We had an unconventional but undoubtedly loving relationship.
This is about more than that.

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