*No Contact *Challenge( for ladies who have been dumped)
So I was going through the Internet on how to get over my breakup and I found this article on a website.
I am currently takings he challenge of NC. I will edit this story with a summary of how my relationship came to an end but for now let's start this gals.
Am on day 11, day 10 was hell I most confess but after joining the site I feel better my friends can't believe how quick I bounced back.
so the rules...
So, you’ve had your heart broken, probably begged and tried to convince your ex to get back together with you and failed. Realising that staying in contact is causing you more pain than you can handle, you take the step of implementing this ‘No Contact’ (NC) that we advocate widely on the forum.
So what’s it about then? And what is going to happen?
Hopefully, most of the answers will be in this thread
What is No Contact?
While a seemingly simple question, there are variations of what ‘No Contact’ can mean.
1) You tell your ex that you won’t be contacting them and that they shouldn’t contact you.
2) You don’t tell your ex anything, and just drop off the face of the Earth.
3) You don’t tell your ex anything, you stop contacting them…but still allow them to contact you and you reply. (potentially damaging)
In my opinion, the most effective forms of NC are 1 and 2. They allow you to heal, as the ex isn’t given any way of providing you with hope (bait) or potentially emotionally damaging information (who wants to hear how great their life is without you?)
When starting NC, it is up to you what you want to say to your ex. Most people seem to say something along the lines of “Don’t call me unless you change your mind and want to give us another try”. It might also help to let them know that the window of opportunity to reconcile (from your perspective) will not be open forever.
You also may want to tell the ex why your cutting them out of your life – tell them it is so you can heal and move on. And in reality that IS why you’re doing it……
Why implement No Contact?
First and foremost, you are removing the source of your pain (your ex) from your life. If they aren’t in your life, they cannot hurt you – it’s as simple as that. And while the loss of the ex from your life in itself is painful, the benefits far outweigh the initial emotional turmoil.
No Contact allows you to get back on your feet and start to feel confident in who you are again. Remember a time when you were single and happy? Well No Contact is going to put you on the road to getting back to that point.
Some may be reluctant to take steps to regain independence, but you are useless to anyone (including your ex if they want you back) if you are unable to be happy with yourself.
No Contact can also serve another purpose, and this is the one that (if you are seeking reconciliation) will probably be used by you as inspiration to keep strong in avoiding picking up that phone or sending that email.
And that is of course, to send your ex a wake-up call and perhaps make them second-guess their decision to end the relationship.
Will No Contact bring my ex back?
Perhaps, perhaps not. There is no fool-proof way to get your ex back…if there were, we would all be using it and would all have our exes back.
There has to be some desire to reconcile inside your ex – NC will not create that desire, but it may certainly bring any underlying doubts they have to the surface. That does not mean that your ex will act on these doubts…but you can be certain that NC will at the very least make them realise just what life without you is like.
Will my ex miss me?
To be honest, it shouldn’t matter – you should be doing NC for YOU. Having said that, it is always easier to stay focussed on maintaining NC if you know that it is having at least some effect on your ex.
So, will they miss you? In most cases (unless you have become a thorn in their side), yes - absolutely.
For those who have exes that want to remain friends: Why do you think that is?
It’s because they want you in their life. Exes very rarely stay friends…so in effect, when an ex asks to stay friends they are essentially saying “I still want you in my life”.
They are not ready to let you go (yet), so by implementing NC you are forcing them to lose you right then and there. NC prevents the ex from using you to cushion the blow of the break-up….by weaning themselves off you slowly.
Without NC you can be certain that once your ex is back on their feet emotionally (helped there by you), that the ‘friendship’ that seemed so important to them at the time will be non-existent.
No Contact is a far better option than staying friends. Being friends causes you pain and allows your ex to heal quicker. NC causes your ex pain and allows you to heal quicker
Not exactly rocket science, huh?
When should I implement No Contact?
ASAP but you must be certain that you can stay strong and stick to it. NC isn’t a decision that should be reversed until you are completely healed. If you keep implementing NC and then breaking it, it sends a message to your ex that you are needy and haven’t got the strength or the conviction to follow through on your commitments. Using NC without being genuinely committed to it is a recipe for disaster – you will break it and look weak. And you if you try to use NC again, your ex will not be too bothered….because “You said that last time”.
That’s why NC should not be used as a ‘shock tactic’ – don’t expect to implement NC and for your ex to come running back to you in a week or even a month. If you use NC, you have to be in it for the long haul.
Will No Contact push my ex away?
If there is hope for your relationship, then no it won’t – it will make your ex think about their decision.
After a few weeks of NC, you’ll probably get worried and start deluding yourself with thoughts like “Maybe they’ve forgotten about me…and maybe they think I don’t still love them”.
If that’s the way you’re thinking, then how about considering this: If you have NC with your ex for a few weeks and then contact them to tell you that you still care…what message does that send?
It says to your ex “I implemented NC to move on and heal…and now 3 weeks down the track I haven’t moved on or healed at all.”
The ex will again know that they can still have you if they want you…and even if they don’t hear from you for another few weeks, they won’t be overly concerned – the last few weeks hadn’t diminished your feelings, so why would the ex think the next few will?
Not a bad little (HUGE) security boost for the ex there, huh? Not to mention a huge step backwards for your good self.
How long will I keep hurting?
For as long as you allow yourself to. Remember, the ex is now out of your life – they cannot hurt you. So if you’re still feeling pain it is coming from within you – not from them.
It is perfectly normal to miss your ex, and by miss I mean that some days will be almost unbearable.
Go out, meet with friends (don’t talk about the ex!) or if it’s late at night think about the things you didn’t like about your ex…and even revisit arguments you may have had with them. If you have to think about your ex, think about the negatives.
Thinking about the good times is pointless – there is no possibility of having them back at the moment, and to dwell on what you once had is ultimately self-destructive.
Ideally, you should be doing your best to not think about your ex – do whatever it takes and keep busy. The less you think about them, the less you will hurt. Soon enough, not thinking about them will become normal.
What if the ex breaks NC and calls/emails me?
Two options: Respond or don’t respond.
If you have completely given up hope or don’t wish to reconcile with your ex – ignore the contact and keep ignoring any further attempts at contact. Easy.
You have to do this for 60 days. No exception. Post here everyday how you feel and how you are taking the NC challenge!
Let us hear from you.
Your comments will help others 😜
Posted from TSR Mobile
I am currently takings he challenge of NC. I will edit this story with a summary of how my relationship came to an end but for now let's start this gals.
Am on day 11, day 10 was hell I most confess but after joining the site I feel better my friends can't believe how quick I bounced back.
so the rules...
So, you’ve had your heart broken, probably begged and tried to convince your ex to get back together with you and failed. Realising that staying in contact is causing you more pain than you can handle, you take the step of implementing this ‘No Contact’ (NC) that we advocate widely on the forum.
So what’s it about then? And what is going to happen?
Hopefully, most of the answers will be in this thread
What is No Contact?
While a seemingly simple question, there are variations of what ‘No Contact’ can mean.
1) You tell your ex that you won’t be contacting them and that they shouldn’t contact you.
2) You don’t tell your ex anything, and just drop off the face of the Earth.
3) You don’t tell your ex anything, you stop contacting them…but still allow them to contact you and you reply. (potentially damaging)
In my opinion, the most effective forms of NC are 1 and 2. They allow you to heal, as the ex isn’t given any way of providing you with hope (bait) or potentially emotionally damaging information (who wants to hear how great their life is without you?)
When starting NC, it is up to you what you want to say to your ex. Most people seem to say something along the lines of “Don’t call me unless you change your mind and want to give us another try”. It might also help to let them know that the window of opportunity to reconcile (from your perspective) will not be open forever.
You also may want to tell the ex why your cutting them out of your life – tell them it is so you can heal and move on. And in reality that IS why you’re doing it……
Why implement No Contact?
First and foremost, you are removing the source of your pain (your ex) from your life. If they aren’t in your life, they cannot hurt you – it’s as simple as that. And while the loss of the ex from your life in itself is painful, the benefits far outweigh the initial emotional turmoil.
No Contact allows you to get back on your feet and start to feel confident in who you are again. Remember a time when you were single and happy? Well No Contact is going to put you on the road to getting back to that point.
Some may be reluctant to take steps to regain independence, but you are useless to anyone (including your ex if they want you back) if you are unable to be happy with yourself.
No Contact can also serve another purpose, and this is the one that (if you are seeking reconciliation) will probably be used by you as inspiration to keep strong in avoiding picking up that phone or sending that email.
And that is of course, to send your ex a wake-up call and perhaps make them second-guess their decision to end the relationship.
Will No Contact bring my ex back?
Perhaps, perhaps not. There is no fool-proof way to get your ex back…if there were, we would all be using it and would all have our exes back.
There has to be some desire to reconcile inside your ex – NC will not create that desire, but it may certainly bring any underlying doubts they have to the surface. That does not mean that your ex will act on these doubts…but you can be certain that NC will at the very least make them realise just what life without you is like.
Will my ex miss me?
To be honest, it shouldn’t matter – you should be doing NC for YOU. Having said that, it is always easier to stay focussed on maintaining NC if you know that it is having at least some effect on your ex.
So, will they miss you? In most cases (unless you have become a thorn in their side), yes - absolutely.
For those who have exes that want to remain friends: Why do you think that is?
It’s because they want you in their life. Exes very rarely stay friends…so in effect, when an ex asks to stay friends they are essentially saying “I still want you in my life”.
They are not ready to let you go (yet), so by implementing NC you are forcing them to lose you right then and there. NC prevents the ex from using you to cushion the blow of the break-up….by weaning themselves off you slowly.
Without NC you can be certain that once your ex is back on their feet emotionally (helped there by you), that the ‘friendship’ that seemed so important to them at the time will be non-existent.
No Contact is a far better option than staying friends. Being friends causes you pain and allows your ex to heal quicker. NC causes your ex pain and allows you to heal quicker
Not exactly rocket science, huh?
When should I implement No Contact?
ASAP but you must be certain that you can stay strong and stick to it. NC isn’t a decision that should be reversed until you are completely healed. If you keep implementing NC and then breaking it, it sends a message to your ex that you are needy and haven’t got the strength or the conviction to follow through on your commitments. Using NC without being genuinely committed to it is a recipe for disaster – you will break it and look weak. And you if you try to use NC again, your ex will not be too bothered….because “You said that last time”.
That’s why NC should not be used as a ‘shock tactic’ – don’t expect to implement NC and for your ex to come running back to you in a week or even a month. If you use NC, you have to be in it for the long haul.
Will No Contact push my ex away?
If there is hope for your relationship, then no it won’t – it will make your ex think about their decision.
After a few weeks of NC, you’ll probably get worried and start deluding yourself with thoughts like “Maybe they’ve forgotten about me…and maybe they think I don’t still love them”.
If that’s the way you’re thinking, then how about considering this: If you have NC with your ex for a few weeks and then contact them to tell you that you still care…what message does that send?
It says to your ex “I implemented NC to move on and heal…and now 3 weeks down the track I haven’t moved on or healed at all.”
The ex will again know that they can still have you if they want you…and even if they don’t hear from you for another few weeks, they won’t be overly concerned – the last few weeks hadn’t diminished your feelings, so why would the ex think the next few will?
Not a bad little (HUGE) security boost for the ex there, huh? Not to mention a huge step backwards for your good self.
How long will I keep hurting?
For as long as you allow yourself to. Remember, the ex is now out of your life – they cannot hurt you. So if you’re still feeling pain it is coming from within you – not from them.
It is perfectly normal to miss your ex, and by miss I mean that some days will be almost unbearable.
Go out, meet with friends (don’t talk about the ex!) or if it’s late at night think about the things you didn’t like about your ex…and even revisit arguments you may have had with them. If you have to think about your ex, think about the negatives.
Thinking about the good times is pointless – there is no possibility of having them back at the moment, and to dwell on what you once had is ultimately self-destructive.
Ideally, you should be doing your best to not think about your ex – do whatever it takes and keep busy. The less you think about them, the less you will hurt. Soon enough, not thinking about them will become normal.
What if the ex breaks NC and calls/emails me?
Two options: Respond or don’t respond.
If you have completely given up hope or don’t wish to reconcile with your ex – ignore the contact and keep ignoring any further attempts at contact. Easy.
You have to do this for 60 days. No exception. Post here everyday how you feel and how you are taking the NC challenge!
Let us hear from you.
Your comments will help others 😜
Posted from TSR Mobile
Scroll to see replies
This can work for both males and females. This reddit post may help.
I'm on day 53. I saw the person that I liked properly for the first time on day 51 by chance and had a simple conversation, but I more or less avoided her as I felt it was better for me.
I'm following option 2) from your list.
It does work.
I'm on day 53. I saw the person that I liked properly for the first time on day 51 by chance and had a simple conversation, but I more or less avoided her as I felt it was better for me.
I'm following option 2) from your list.
It does work.
success story here (kinda) been 5 months still kinda miss him but deleted off everything and blocked on fb and even when i wanted to contact him found out hed blocked me on whatsapp snapchat and anything else kinda hurt but oh well. it was me that said no contact initially then cudnt take it so tried contacting him (and realising it was a bad idea as i was speaking to him) finally he had the balls to call our 'friendship' off. it was a kinda mutual decision as we cudnt agree on religion and without that we couldnt move on to the next stage of our relationship-marriage
Why do people need to be told to do this?
Posted from TSR Mobile
Posted from TSR Mobile
Original post by LightBlueSoldier
I think the purpose of this thread is to share in the journey of 'No Contact' and give support to each other. Also, giving information as for some it may be the first time and have no prior experience or anyone to help them.
It seems kind of immature to completely cut off contact with someone and make it official saying 'I'm doing a challenge not to speak to them' stay civil and act like an adult, not some child on a tantrum saying 'if I can't be with them, they can't talk to me'.
Saying that after my relationships I usually don't talk to them for a few years. Not purposefully, just because it never happens.
Saying that after my relationships I usually don't talk to them for a few years. Not purposefully, just because it never happens.
Original post by Tom_green_day
It seems kind of immature to completely cut off contact with someone and make it official saying 'I'm doing a challenge not to speak to them' stay civil and act like an adult, not some child on a tantrum saying 'if I can't be with them, they can't talk to me'.
Saying that after my relationships I usually don't talk to them for a few years. Not purposefully, just because it never happens.
Saying that after my relationships I usually don't talk to them for a few years. Not purposefully, just because it never happens.
I kind of see what you mean, but at the same time unless it's necessary to speak to an ex (you have kids, you work together, have the same friends etc), I don't see why you would need or ant to stay in contact with someone you broke up with.
I also think th 'challenge' aspect can be helpful for some people to get through it.
Original post by suzannataylor
I kind of see what you mean, but at the same time unless it's necessary to speak to an ex (you have kids, you work together, have the same friends etc), I don't see why you would need or ant to stay in contact with someone you broke up with.
I also think th 'challenge' aspect can be helpful for some people to get through it.
I also think th 'challenge' aspect can be helpful for some people to get through it.
You don't need to talk to them, but doing it for a 'challenge' seems like you may be doing it for all the wrong reasons. It's better to have closure and end it gently than with a loud bang. Also there could be peer pressure and other factors making it seem really unhealthy.
Original post by Tom_green_day
You don't need to talk to them, but doing it for a 'challenge' seems like you may be doing it for all the wrong reasons. It's better to have closure and end it gently than with a loud bang. Also there could be peer pressure and other factors making it seem really unhealthy.
Yeah, I do agree with you. I think doing it because you think they might come back to you is very unhealthy.
To be honest, this thread isn't here for negative reasons. Maybe it wasn't well explained but when my ex dumped me on the phone I felt destroyed! Reading people take challenges like this not to get the ex back but to survive and move on without them made me rethink.
It's a challenge for you to make a decision to not get in touch with them. It's hard to not want to contact your ex... Trust me, I have been there but I try to go by each day without contacting him for any reasons. Not even when am drunk! He/she broke up with you for a reason so why contact them?
So am here to share my day to day NC with ex experience and how am concentrating on me now. xx
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It's a challenge for you to make a decision to not get in touch with them. It's hard to not want to contact your ex... Trust me, I have been there but I try to go by each day without contacting him for any reasons. Not even when am drunk! He/she broke up with you for a reason so why contact them?
So am here to share my day to day NC with ex experience and how am concentrating on me now. xx
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Original post by Mankytoes
My ex did a good job of this, deleted me off Facebook straight away and never contacted me. I think I bumped into her once and apologised drunkenly. Girls, do this, it's so unattractive to beg.
Did you break up with her? Just wondering.
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Original post by Cyndy
Yeah, it would have been a bit harsh of her to dump me and then delete me! Unless I'd cheated or something I guess.
Original post by Mankytoes
Yeah, it would have been a bit harsh of her to dump me and then delete me! Unless I'd cheated or something I guess.
Oh right, I bet you were pissed!
Why do guys assume if they don't hurry and break up the gal would?
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Original post by Cyndy
Oh right, I bet you were pissed!
Why do guys assume if they don't hurry and break up the gal would?
Why do guys assume if they don't hurry and break up the gal would?
Not really, I agree with you, it's the best way to deal with a break up. Deleting facebook might seem childish, but it helps you stop seeing them in your day to day life Iguess.
Um, do we? That isn't why I did it, I just wasn't that into her.
I'm a guy so I don't know how well this will generalise to me but...
When I broke up with my girlfriend mid-May last year I found it very difficult to move on, especially since I kept looking at her Facebook and seeing all the new guys she was with (yes, more than one). The only way I moved on was blocking her from Facebook and blocking her phone number.
When I broke up with my girlfriend mid-May last year I found it very difficult to move on, especially since I kept looking at her Facebook and seeing all the new guys she was with (yes, more than one). The only way I moved on was blocking her from Facebook and blocking her phone number.
Original post by LJStudent
I'm a guy so I don't know how well this will generalise to me but...
When I broke up with my girlfriend mid-May last year I found it very difficult to move on, especially since I kept looking at her Facebook and seeing all the new guys she was with (yes, more than one). The only way I moved on was blocking her from Facebook and blocking her phone number.
When I broke up with my girlfriend mid-May last year I found it very difficult to move on, especially since I kept looking at her Facebook and seeing all the new guys she was with (yes, more than one). The only way I moved on was blocking her from Facebook and blocking her phone number.
Many think am crazy but I still do wish I could fix things up with my ex.
All I do now is listen to frozen and as we speak I am getting better everyday and preparing for dates.
It's fun! Especially know I did nothing to make him unhappy...etc
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