Annoyed (and a little upset) by what a male friend said.
To cut a long story short, yesterday I was in the passage-way of my friend's house (I'll call her Katie). A male friend (I'll call him John) was in the living room with 2 other guys who live with Katie ( I know the 2 guys but wouldn't class them as "friends").
The door was shut so I'm guessing they didn't know I was outside (Katie was in the loo and I was waiting downstairs for her so we could leave the house to go where we wanted). Then one of the guys in the living room says "Do you fancy [insert my name]" to which John responds with "Not really but I'd probably give her a go".
It pissed me off. I have never looked at him in a sexual way and I expected better from him tbh. He could have just responded with a simple "no" without the last part - what a dick thing to say! I can even understand speaking like that about some girl you hardly know but not about someone that you're supposed to be ****ing friends with - it's just plain disrespectful. Grrr I know it's a silly stupid comment but it's been annoying me all day.
UPDATE
Okay so I was a bit annoyed yesterday and, reading though my last para, I can understand how what I said might have made me seem like I was overreacting. Maybe I didn't get my point across as well as I could have but I was just venting my frustration on TSR.
I wasn't expecting so many responses and some of them have been helpful as well as insightful.
Anyway, it turns out that "Katie" actually told "John" what had happened. We talked and worked it out. He said sorry and explained he'd just said it in the moment without really thinking about it and a lot more. We hugged it out so all is well now. Thanks for the responses (most of you
).
The door was shut so I'm guessing they didn't know I was outside (Katie was in the loo and I was waiting downstairs for her so we could leave the house to go where we wanted). Then one of the guys in the living room says "Do you fancy [insert my name]" to which John responds with "Not really but I'd probably give her a go".
It pissed me off. I have never looked at him in a sexual way and I expected better from him tbh. He could have just responded with a simple "no" without the last part - what a dick thing to say! I can even understand speaking like that about some girl you hardly know but not about someone that you're supposed to be ****ing friends with - it's just plain disrespectful. Grrr I know it's a silly stupid comment but it's been annoying me all day.
UPDATE
Okay so I was a bit annoyed yesterday and, reading though my last para, I can understand how what I said might have made me seem like I was overreacting. Maybe I didn't get my point across as well as I could have but I was just venting my frustration on TSR.
I wasn't expecting so many responses and some of them have been helpful as well as insightful.
Anyway, it turns out that "Katie" actually told "John" what had happened. We talked and worked it out. He said sorry and explained he'd just said it in the moment without really thinking about it and a lot more. We hugged it out so all is well now. Thanks for the responses (most of you
).(edited 9 years ago)
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Original post by iheartplums
To cut a long story short, yesterday I was in the passage-way of my friend's house (I'll call her Katie). A male friend (I'll call him John) was in the living room with 2 other guys who live with Katie ( I know the 2 guys but wouldn't class them as "friends").
The door was shut so I'm guessing they didn't know I was outside (Katie was in the loo and I was waiting downstairs for her so we could leave the house to go where we wanted). Then one of the guys in the living room says "Do you fancy [insert my name]" to which John responds with "Not really but I'd probably give her a go".
It pissed me off. I have never looked at him in a sexual way and I expected better from him tbh. He could have just responded with a simple "no" without the last part - what a dick thing to say! I can even understand speaking like that about some girl you hardly know but not about someone that you're supposed to be ****ing friends with - it's just plain disrespectful. Grrr I know it's a silly stupid comment but it's been annoying me all day.
The door was shut so I'm guessing they didn't know I was outside (Katie was in the loo and I was waiting downstairs for her so we could leave the house to go where we wanted). Then one of the guys in the living room says "Do you fancy [insert my name]" to which John responds with "Not really but I'd probably give her a go".
It pissed me off. I have never looked at him in a sexual way and I expected better from him tbh. He could have just responded with a simple "no" without the last part - what a dick thing to say! I can even understand speaking like that about some girl you hardly know but not about someone that you're supposed to be ****ing friends with - it's just plain disrespectful. Grrr I know it's a silly stupid comment but it's been annoying me all day.
He sounds like a **** "friend" TBH, you deserve better. Confront him about it. If he lies/doesn't apologise I wouldn't be friends with him after that, seriously.
God, I ****ing hate people who talk behind other's backs. Talk **** get hit. Some people are just whiny little emotional gossips and it's not your problem it's theirs. Sounds like your friend is one, but you could give him one last chance by asking him to explain himself or just save the hassle and friend dump him now.
Original post by Neckbeard Fedora
He sounds like a **** "friend" TBH, you deserve better. Confront him about it. If he lies/doesn't apologise I wouldn't be friends with him after that, seriously.
God, I ****ing hate people who talk behind other's backs. Talk **** get hit. Some people are just whiny little emotional gossips and it's not your problem it's theirs. Sounds like your friend is one, but you could give him one last chance by asking him to explain himself or just save the hassle and friend dump him now.
God, I ****ing hate people who talk behind other's backs. Talk **** get hit. Some people are just whiny little emotional gossips and it's not your problem it's theirs. Sounds like your friend is one, but you could give him one last chance by asking him to explain himself or just save the hassle and friend dump him now.
Forget about it, it was just boy banter. He didn't know you were listening and chances are he wouldn't have said it if he knew you would hear.
Original post by hippieglitter
Forget about it, it was just boy banter. He didn't know you were listening and chances are he wouldn't have said it if he knew you would hear.
Just because someone wouldn't say something to your face doesn't mean they don't disrespect you. If anything, that makes it worse b/c they're a two-faced coward. I wouldn't be friends with a girl who said those kinds of things behind my back.
I love "banter" with my mates as much as anyone, but there are limits. I totally see where OP's coming from. She nails it in her last line. People like that are silly and stupid, not worth having as friends IMO. Ignorant and immature at best and rude backstabbing idiots at worst.
(edited 9 years ago)
Tbh, if that gets you angry, then you might as well bring ear plugs you ever decide to listen into a boys conversation again.
Original post by Neckbeard Fedora
Just because someone wouldn't say something to your face doesn't mean they don't disrespect you. If anything, that makes it worse b/c they're a two-faced coward. I wouldn't be friends with a girl who said those kinds of things behind my back.
I love "banter" with my mates as much as anyone, but there are limits. I totally see where OP's coming from. She nails it in her last line. People like that are silly and stupid, not worth having as friends IMO. Ignorant and immature at best and rude backstabbing idiots at worst.
I love "banter" with my mates as much as anyone, but there are limits. I totally see where OP's coming from. She nails it in her last line. People like that are silly and stupid, not worth having as friends IMO. Ignorant and immature at best and rude backstabbing idiots at worst.
Exactly. The sad thing is we actually have a pretty good laugh when we're together.
Original post by iheartplums
Exactly. The sad thing is we actually have a pretty good laugh when we're together.
Unfortunately, I had to "unfriend" a mate of mine in the past whom I got on with like a house on fire when we were actually around. People used to think we'd known each other since we were toddlers or something because we got on so well, but we actually met when we were both 18. However, a lot of times after I left the room I would hear him chatting complete **** about me and I also heard the gist of what he'd been saying from mutual friends. I had a word with him, he lied about stuff I had heard with my own ears and tried to convince me I was "going crazy," and I had to let go of him for my own good.
I would really recommend confronting your mate. It's completely disrespectful to talk about people like that behind their backs (i.e. in a "I don't really fancy her but I'd still ****/date her" way, which is basically saying that "she's unattractive but I'd still use her for social prestige lololol" in guy language), and you shouldn't be the one who's forced to feel bad in silence about it. It is not "just" banter.
(edited 9 years ago)
Original post by iheartplums
Exactly. The sad thing is we actually have a pretty good laugh when we're together.
He probably fancies you but tried to look swaggah in front of him friends. Don't worry too much about it. We all say crap behind people's backs sometimes and don't really mean it.
I can imagine how irritating you may have found it, but remember you weren't there, he didn't say it to you and was not directly disrespectful towards you. You also have to remember that he was around other male friends. Around two other guys being asked that question he's hardly going to say something deep or meaningful; him saying no would just cut the conversation short, and he may have felt uncomfortable being asked especially if there was two of the other guys, so to just break the awkward tension for him he's said something that will come across more as banter and isn't something he would have overthought or maybe even considered before.
I wouldn't take it to heart at all, and if you're that bothered about how disrespected you feel, speak to him about it, if you don't it'll just become awkward and horrible when given the chance he might be able to explain himself.
Ignoring it will make it awkward, be honest with him and discuss it to get it out of the way so you can stop it bothering you.
In a way, females do exactly the same, if you were asked whether you fancied a friend you might say he was attractive but no you don't fancy him, males are males and their group dynamics and the way they think are completely different so it just seems more 'boisterous' if you like.
Hope this helps, if not then I at least hope you can sort it!
I wouldn't take it to heart at all, and if you're that bothered about how disrespected you feel, speak to him about it, if you don't it'll just become awkward and horrible when given the chance he might be able to explain himself.
Ignoring it will make it awkward, be honest with him and discuss it to get it out of the way so you can stop it bothering you.
In a way, females do exactly the same, if you were asked whether you fancied a friend you might say he was attractive but no you don't fancy him, males are males and their group dynamics and the way they think are completely different so it just seems more 'boisterous' if you like.
Hope this helps, if not then I at least hope you can sort it!
If it makes you feel better he probably wouldn't bang you.
Original post by iheartplums
To cut a long story short, yesterday I was in the passage-way of my friend's house (I'll call her Katie). A male friend (I'll call him John) was in the living room with 2 other guys who live with Katie ( I know the 2 guys but wouldn't class them as "friends").
The door was shut so I'm guessing they didn't know I was outside (Katie was in the loo and I was waiting downstairs for her so we could leave the house to go where we wanted). Then one of the guys in the living room says "Do you fancy [insert my name]" to which John responds with "Not really but I'd probably give her a go".
It pissed me off. I have never looked at him in a sexual way and I expected better from him tbh. He could have just responded with a simple "no" without the last part - what a dick thing to say! I can even understand speaking like that about some girl you hardly know but not about someone that you're supposed to be ****ing friends with - it's just plain disrespectful. Grrr I know it's a silly stupid comment but it's been annoying me all day.
The door was shut so I'm guessing they didn't know I was outside (Katie was in the loo and I was waiting downstairs for her so we could leave the house to go where we wanted). Then one of the guys in the living room says "Do you fancy [insert my name]" to which John responds with "Not really but I'd probably give her a go".
It pissed me off. I have never looked at him in a sexual way and I expected better from him tbh. He could have just responded with a simple "no" without the last part - what a dick thing to say! I can even understand speaking like that about some girl you hardly know but not about someone that you're supposed to be ****ing friends with - it's just plain disrespectful. Grrr I know it's a silly stupid comment but it's been annoying me all day.
I don't see what the big deal is lol. You're angry at him because you haven't looked at him in a sexual way but he has with you?
Original post by Neckbeard Fedora
Unfortunately, I had to "unfriend" a mate of mine in the past whom I got on with like a house on fire when we were actually around. People used to think we'd known each other since we were toddlers or something because we got on so well, but we actually met when we were both 18. However, a lot of times after I left the room I would hear him chatting complete **** about me and I also heard the gist of what he'd been saying from mutual friends. I had a word with him, he lied about stuff I had heard with my own ears and tried to convince me I was "going crazy," and I had to let go of him for my own good.
I would really recommend confronting your mate. It's completely disrespectful to talk about people like that behind their backs (i.e. in a "I don't really fancy her but I'd still ****/date her" way, which is basically saying that "she's unattractive but I'd still use her for social prestige lololol" in guy language), and you shouldn't be the one who's forced to feel bad in silence about it. It is not "just" banter.
I would really recommend confronting your mate. It's completely disrespectful to talk about people like that behind their backs (i.e. in a "I don't really fancy her but I'd still ****/date her" way, which is basically saying that "she's unattractive but I'd still use her for social prestige lololol" in guy language), and you shouldn't be the one who's forced to feel bad in silence about it. It is not "just" banter.
I'm not sure it's really behind her back, it's not likely she's ever asked him 'do you fancy me' and given him the chance to respond with 'No but I'd do you'.
If my opinion was that on a girl friend of mine and she asked me I'd say the same just phrased slightly differently to with my mates so instead of 'Nah, but I would' more 'Not really, but could change as I do think you're fit'.
Original post by Neckbeard Fedora
It is not "just" banter.
It is "just" banter. The fact you don't find it funny is irrelevant.
And to the OP, don't try to talk to your mate. You are going to come across as crazy.
Original post by Le Nombre
I'm not sure it's really behind her back, it's not likely she's ever asked him 'do you fancy me' and given him the chance to respond with 'No but I'd do you'.
If my opinion was that on a girl friend of mine and she asked me I'd say the same just phrased slightly differently to with my mates so instead of 'Nah, but I would' more 'Not really, but could change as I do think you're fit'.
If my opinion was that on a girl friend of mine and she asked me I'd say the same just phrased slightly differently to with my mates so instead of 'Nah, but I would' more 'Not really, but could change as I do think you're fit'.
I'm not reading what he said as just "I don't fancy her," (not really an insult in that context, everyone has different tastes and finds various people attractive/unattractive, though the question the other guy asked still sounds childish and stupid as they are just friends); the "I'd give her a go" thing sounds like he's saying "She's unattractive but I'd still do her." That's downright rude.
I'm confident about my appearance, but if a girl said that behind my back I would have a word with her because it's disrespectful and I don't consider people who chat **** behind my back "friends". I suggest OP does the same.
Original post by Neckbeard Fedora
I'm not reading what he said as just "I don't fancy her," (not really an insult in that context, everyone has different tastes and finds various people attractive/unattractive, though the question the other guy asked still sounds childish and stupid as they are just friends); the "I'd give her a go" thing sounds like he's saying "She's unattractive but I'd still do her." That's downright rude.
I'm confident about my appearance, but if a girl said that behind my back I would have a word with her because it's disrespectful and I don't consider people who chat **** behind my back "friends". I suggest OP does the same.
I'm confident about my appearance, but if a girl said that behind my back I would have a word with her because it's disrespectful and I don't consider people who chat **** behind my back "friends". I suggest OP does the same.
You're saying it's rude for people to have relationships more than just friendship with an ugly person? wut?
I can understand why you may be angry about it perhaps you think you are really good friends with him and you feel betrayed but I am sure like most people have already written he did not mean for you to hear it. So did not mean to hurt your feelings, when guys talk like that it's pretty much not meant for female ears as others have said its banter.
Still I understand your anger its not nice hearing someone talking about you in a negative manner especially someone you had respect for, you could either bring it up and tell him how you feel about what he said which could be good for both of you or not. Or just let it be, pretend you never heard it and give him a second chance, a friend is allowed at least one mistake surely.
Still I understand your anger its not nice hearing someone talking about you in a negative manner especially someone you had respect for, you could either bring it up and tell him how you feel about what he said which could be good for both of you or not. Or just let it be, pretend you never heard it and give him a second chance, a friend is allowed at least one mistake surely.
Maybe he meant 'give her a go' as in giving a relationship a go. You assume too much about us sleazy guys :P
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Original post by Neckbeard Fedora
I'm not reading what he said as just "I don't fancy her," (not really an insult in that context, everyone has different tastes and finds various people attractive/unattractive, though the question the other guy asked still sounds childish and stupid as they are just friends); the "I'd give her a go" thing sounds like he's saying "She's unattractive but I'd still do her." That's downright rude.
I'm confident about my appearance, but if a girl said that behind my back I would have a word with her because it's disrespectful and I don't consider people who chat **** behind my back "friends". I suggest OP does the same.
I'm confident about my appearance, but if a girl said that behind my back I would have a word with her because it's disrespectful and I don't consider people who chat **** behind my back "friends". I suggest OP does the same.
I wouldn't think a girl saying she doesn't fancy me=she doesn't think I'm reasonably attractive. To me fancying someone would suggest an unusually strong interest, more than is probably objectively usual, interest in getting into a relationship with someone. In order to have this you'll likely think they're physically sttractive, but you can think they're physically attractive without fancying them. I certainly don't fancy all my attractive female friends, sure you're the same.
Conversely I'm sure I have female friends who think I'm reasonably physically attractive, but don't actually want to go out with me because of issues around my being a ****head.
Original post by Neckbeard Fedora
I'm not reading what he said as just "I don't fancy her," (not really an insult in that context, everyone has different tastes and finds various people attractive/unattractive, though the question the other guy asked still sounds childish and stupid as they are just friends); the "I'd give her a go" thing sounds like he's saying "She's unattractive but I'd still do her." That's downright rude.
I'm confident about my appearance, but if a girl said that behind my back I would have a word with her because it's disrespectful and I don't consider people who chat **** behind my back "friends". I suggest OP does the same.
I'm confident about my appearance, but if a girl said that behind my back I would have a word with her because it's disrespectful and I don't consider people who chat **** behind my back "friends". I suggest OP does the same.
Except that isn't what he said at all and it takes some twisted sort of logic to get to that conclusion.
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