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He calls me fat, withholds sex and affection...

I have been in an on/off tempestuous relationship for 4 years. The reason it is a rocky relationship is due to his anger, although he blames me for making him angry, and I have to admit sometimes I do think its my fault. He has a tendency to shout, although he says he is simply 'raising his voice', and he does this to his parents and me.

It is things like, if I get a crumb on the floor, don't wear the clothes he likes, don't put something in the bin or drawer the minute I'm finished with it...he goes crazy and starts shouting at me, telling me that 'he shouldn't have to tell me twice' he will regularly swear at me in public, and tell me off if I do something 'wrong'. I have never had real relationship except him and I honestly believe that I am irritating and would get on anyones nerve. But then it changed, and he started to call me fat and make comments about my body, giving me looks like I am something truly repulsive. I am a small size 10, but he would say that my legs were huge like a ham and that my love handles were horrible.

When I was doing my third year dissertation this year, I distanced myself from him and didn't go visit him (he lives 2.5 hours away and doesn't visit me). During this time he would keep messaging me asking me to go over. He said things like 'no girl is worth what you are' and 'I don't care what you have done. I want you to come see me'. I ignored it until lonliness got the better of me. I don't have many friends and now uni is over I have just been stuck in my house with a suffocating family.

I went back to see , and I'm ashamed to say that I was needy for intimacy and I thought he could give it to me, but he is worse than he ever was. Although he appears nice to me when his friends are there, in private its a different story. He never hugs me, holds my hand, kisses me, or says that he loves me. I feel something I have never felt before, which is neglect in affection. He withholds sex, but would gleefully tell me about his masturbatory sessions. When we did once have sex, he would not kiss me or even acknowledge me, and when I said 'I love you' in the heat of the moment, he made me feel terrible and embarrassed about it the next morning, I have never felt so ashamed. We would watch tv and he would say 'why don't you look like her?' I feel like if I became thin and hot, I would have a boyfriend who gave me affection and wanted to be with me. Even though my brain tells me that average looking girls can get love just as much as pretty ones, there is something inside me that tells me that maybe I am just not deserving of a mans love, like I am nothing.

If I left again, I know he would message me and I would end up going back. Or I would become so lonely and go back anyway, as being virtually friendless has caused me to think its better to be in an unhappy relationship that just be alone. Does anyone have any advice, or is there anyone I can talk to who has experienced something similar :frown:

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So you're in an abusive manipulating relationship where he has managed to bully and persuade you that you are the one causing the problems and it's you're fault he gets angry.

My advice, find someone else.
Original post by Last Day Lepers
So you're in an abusive manipulating relationship where he has managed to bully and persuade you that you are the one causing the problems and it's you're fault he gets angry.

My advice, find someone else.


I agree with this. It shouldn't take many people to agree to this for the OP to have to change her mind about the manipulative "boyfriend".

OP. You do not want to continue your relationship with this man trust me, things will only get worse, you deserve much more.
Get out of this relationship ASAP. You're not to blame. Hes manipulating you into believing its your fault.
This guy is bringing you down and emotionally abusing you.

Please leave and build your confidence again, it will seem very difficult but you deserve better.
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Avatar for jay2013
jay2013
17
Dump him now.
He sounds horrible.
Original post by Anonymous
I have been in an to who has experienced something similar :frown:


You're clearly strong at heart because you managed to break off from him before. I don't think you need confirmation that is time to move on. No matter whether this is the best relationship you've had or not, no matter whether you're lonely without him, he's clearly causing you a lot of mental pain. No woman should be spoken to and controlled like that by their partner. Break it off again, and this time, break the contact as well. Unfriend him on Facebook, change your phone number if you need to, but make sure it's a clean break and that he cannot send you messages to lure you back in.

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Abusive relationship. I've been there, and I know how hard it is. This is absolutely not your fault, I promise. They havbe a way of making you feel it's your fault and you deserve this treatment. You don't.

My advice is to leave, however you won't until you feel ready to. I didn't leave for ages even though I had people telling me what a ****er my ex was. If you want to talk, I'm here :hugs:
I'm really confused by women like you who just choose to stay in obviously crappy relationships?! Just move on for crying out loud.
Original post by BarBaBaBaBarBaBaBa
I'm really confused by women like you who just choose to stay in obviously crappy relationships?! Just move on for crying out loud.


Treat them mean,keep them keen
You seem to have a low self esteem and he is exploiting that to control you for whatever end he sees fit by reinforcing your own negative perceptions of yourself.

I agree with ^^, this is a horrible abusive relationship and is not going anywhere. He clearly does not love you or even like you and will dump you as soon as a better offer comes along.

You are worth far, far, more than that and you owe it to yourself to leave this pig and never look back.

When you have left him, start thinking about how to change your life at home with a stifling family. But don't link the two. Sort out one problem at a time and start with getting rid of Mr ****er.

Soon you will have your degree and can congratulate yourself and be proud of the hard work over many years that allowed YOU to achieve it.

If you need to change other things about yourself you are unhappy with, do it for yourself and for no-one else but yourself.

Go for it and good luck. :smile:
(edited 9 years ago)
Original post by Anonymous
Treat them mean,keep them keen


I never really got that. As a woman if my man were to start treating me like dirt I'd leave him in the blink of an eye.

For every "mean" man out there, there's a handful who will treat you just right. The longer women stay with an abusive man, the more men will think that's okay and this reflects on the rest of us women. Really very frustrating.
There are loads of ways to lose weight if you're really that big. The most effective will likely be a better diet, lots of water and regular exercise can all help with this.
You deserve better cuz he's the abuser not you. You need to have enough self-respect to leave him.
Leave him. He's not worth it. It's not you, he's clearly not right in the head. However be careful if you end it, he sounds like he's got a mean temper.

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Original post by iEatMuFFiNS
There are loads of ways to lose weight if you're really that big. The most effective will likely be a better diet, lots of water and regular exercise can all help with this.


Oh don't you dare.
Original post by iEatMuFFiNS
There are loads of ways to lose weight if you're really that big. The most effective will likely be a better diet, lots of water and regular exercise can all help with this.


You're clearly an idiot if you think her weight is the problem.

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Original post by BarBaBaBaBarBaBaBa
Oh don't you dare.


Original post by donutaud15
You're clearly an idiot if you think her weight is the problem.

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People have addressed the other problems already. Why am i an idiot for not going over ground already covered?
I really don't understand why you women feel the need to stay with guys who clearly abuse you and ignore guys who would treat you with respect. If you keep going back to him, you're going to suffer. It's going to turn nasty. So, if you want to save yourself, leave him. And go for that guy who you definitely must've ignored when he was being nice to you.

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