Hi everyone,
Just to give a bit of background of myself, I am 18 years old, about to go to Uni in September, and gay.
I have always known deep down, but came out to 'myself' at 15. I have never told anyone before in real life though. I am so used to keeping it to myself, that sometimes I actually think I'm straight!
The main reason for keeping it to myself was the fact that my friends at school were extremely homophobic. They were deeply deeply homophobic, and didn't even grow out of it as they got older. Other than that, they were great friends, but they made their views crystal clear. I just didn't want to put myself through unneccesary stress of coming out, being harrased by them and it effecting my exam results etc.
I don't fit the stereotypical 'image' of a gay guy. No one ever suspects it at all. But anyway, lately it's been making me depressed. I am just too scared to come out. My family wouldn't disown me, but things would be awkward between us, and my Mum is going to be dissapointed. She has even said before that if she had a gay child she would accept it, but she would be gutted. I just don't want to face the day of her being hysterical because she finds out her son is gay.
I am also sick of pretending I'm straight all the time. I'm sick of going to bars and clubs with my mates and pretending that I think the group of girls sitting next to us are hot. I am sick of pretending I'm interested in girls full stop.
Being forever alone also depresses me. Gay guys have a fraction of the option that straight guys have. And the few gays I have met, I have never had any attraction to before. At my school there were about 2 'out' gay people, and I just imagine University to be the same. There will probably be that one gay in my lecture, who is 'out and proud' but extremely flambouyant and feminine, and I just don't find that attractive at all.
I know you guys are going to tell me to come out, but I just can't find the strength to. I think I will tell people at Uni, but I don't know when the right time is to tell my family. Maybe never lol.