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How would you react if your gf/bf confessed to being sexually abused as a child?

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My boyfriend had concerns about sex for completely different but also deeply personal reasons. However, he told me about it upfront (I actually knew long before we got together), which I really appreciated, because it meant that we could take account of it and act accordingly. If I didn't know beforehand then if he acted strangely in bed I would have wondered what was going on, and in the absence of knowledge I would have started to worry that it was something that I'd done wrong.

As I know, I've made extra sure that I never pressure him into anything, and I've always made sure that he knows that if he's uncomfortable we can always stop straight away. As it happens, he's actually found it easier than he thought he would, and so things have progressed at a pace we're both happy with, but if he'd needed longer I would have been absolutely fine with that too. I don't pity him at all - it's part of who he is, but I'm fine with it, I wouldn't base any decisions about breaking up on it. In any case sharing problems with your bf / gf, and supporting each other, is a normal part of a healthy relationship.
(edited 9 years ago)
Original post by Yawn11
It's difficult to say when I'm not in the situation.

But I can imagine I'd feel differently if I was deeply involved.

DO you think you could get deeply involved with someone whom you have not had sex with? (Another hypothetical question, I know...)
Original post by donutaud15
My husband threatened to beat the crap out of those people.

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'Those people' :eek: More than one person sexually abused you?
Original post by Anonymous
'Those people' :eek: More than one person sexually abused you?


Two family members and an ex.

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Original post by donutaud15
My husband threatened to beat the crap out of those people.

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I'd get nasty probably. I wouldn't be able to help it
(edited 9 years ago)
Original post by TheAnusFiles
I'd find them and I'd kill them probably. I wouldn't be able to help it


He did threatened it. One family member lived near us and he could barely keep control.

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Original post by donutaud15
He did threatened it. One family member lived near us and he could barely keep control.

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I know of someone who beat his brother in law to death with a baseball bat over domestic abuse
I think that everyone here is unrealistically understanding tbh, would be great to hear from people who have been in this position - the partner of someone who was sexually abused

as someone who was abused by someone close to me (not anymore) it definitely has affected my relationships. from the 2 guys that i have seen in the past both of them found it too difficult to cope without having sex (and also being a Christian as well augmented my views) and had to end it. Its nice to think that someone would be kind and understanding like people in this forum but from experience this isnt the case...

I appreciate that I may have been unlucky with the guys but even with conversations with guy-friends it seems to be the genuine consensus before me even mentioning the fact that I'm a Christian that sacrificing sex is a no no
I am a female who went through something similar. I think the main thing you'll face currently is the negative response to not being satisfied with who you are. It can be incredibly frustrating to love and be understanding of someone more than they love and have compassion for themselves. It makes such a difference to be part way through healing and i would encourage you to think more from a 'how can I feel good' perspective rather than a 'will I ever did someone who will put up with me' perspective. After Silence is a v supportive site you might like to check out :smile:


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*did=find


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With understanding I'd hope. Think two/three people have told me that they were sexually abused as a kid or even older...

Its not your fault AT ALL! Don't feel like it was your fault! I think if the person really logee you they definitely won't pressurise you in to having sex ie: they should be understanding of you

I don't think that your boyfriend is going to have a negative reaction to this - well he might feelnangry (towards your attackers) but I'd hope largely he understands you and ie going to.comfort you knowing its not your fault at all!
Original post by whisper2012
I am a female who went through something similar. I think the main thing you'll face currently is the negative response to not being satisfied with who you are. It can be incredibly frustrating to love and be understanding of someone more than they love and have compassion for themselves. It makes such a difference to be part way through healing and i would encourage you to think more from a 'how can I feel good' perspective rather than a 'will I ever did someone who will put up with me' perspective. After Silence is a v supportive site you might like to check out :smile:


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This is not my outlook tbh. The thing is that I've become deeply involved with my current boyfriend and I'm just scared that I'd lose him because of the no of sex thing. I've tried to get over this. I've tried to make my self more comfortable and while I do think that I've made some progress, I'm just not completely ready yet.
I'd rather not tell him the reason but lately I've been sensing that rather than the no sex business he is actually (more) upset with the lack of honesty on my part. I think that he feels I don't trust him and/or don't find him sexually attractive which is simply not true. I'm afraid that if I don't give him the real reason he may think that it's because there is something wrong with him.
Original post by Anonymous
I think that everyone here is unrealistically understanding tbh, would be great to hear from people who have been in this position - the partner of someone who was sexually abused

as someone who was abused by someone close to me (not anymore) it definitely has affected my relationships. from the 2 guys that i have seen in the past both of them found it too difficult to cope without having sex (and also being a Christian as well augmented my views) and had to end it. Its nice to think that someone would be kind and understanding like people in this forum but from experience this isnt the case...

I appreciate that I may have been unlucky with the guys but even with conversations with guy-friends it seems to be the genuine consensus before me even mentioning the fact that I'm a Christian that sacrificing sex is a no no

Damn. Just when I was becoming convinced that I'm giving too much importance to sex in a relationship. I suppose it might be different if the guy was deeply attached to the girl but then again can someone be deeply attached to someone with whom they have not had sex with?
Original post by donutaud15
Two family members and an ex.

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Did this happen when you were quite young?
May I ask whether you had any trouble being intimate (both emotionally and physically) with your husband because of this? I apologise if these questions are intrusive or upsetting...
Original post by Anonymous
Did this happen when you were quite young?
May I ask whether you had any trouble being intimate (both emotionally and physically) with your husband because of this? I apologise if these questions are intrusive or upsetting...


Both young and when I was a teenager.

Not emotionally but sometimes physically.

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Original post by donutaud15
Both young and when I was a teenager.

Not emotionally but sometimes physically.

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I have more trouble with the emotional side. This might be a bit tmi but I don't mind doing stuff on him but am afraid of him doing stuff on me. That's the difficulty I have with the physical side of the relationship.
May I ask how you deal/dealt with the difficulties?
Again sorry if I'm asking to many questions
Reply 36
Avatar for Yawn11
Yawn11
20
Original post by Anonymous
DO you think you could get deeply involved with someone whom you have not had sex with? (Another hypothetical question, I know...)


Deeply infatuated yes, involved is more difficult to define.
I think you should be aware of how early in the relationship you disclose something so big, it's hard given what it is as at some point questions will begin being asked about sex, but it is a lot to put on a new partner so I would wait as long as possible before telling them, you can always say something more non comittal about wanting to wait for now

that said, I think most guys would be quite supportive, you haven't said how long you've been together but I assume it isn't that long given it hasn't become an issue yet so don't feel bad about not being able to 'fulfill' the relationship, it's not like you will never be able to have sex, you may feel very different in a few months if you're with a partner who is understanding and takes things slowly and who you trust completely
Original post by doodle_333
I think you should be aware of how early in the relationship you disclose something so big, it's hard given what it is as at some point questions will begin being asked about sex, but it is a lot to put on a new partner so I would wait as long as possible before telling them, you can always say something more non comittal about wanting to wait for now

that said, I think most guys would be quite supportive, you haven't said how long you've been together but I assume it isn't that long given it hasn't become an issue yet so don't feel bad about not being able to 'fulfill' the relationship, it's not like you will never be able to have sex, you may feel very different in a few months if you're with a partner who is understanding and takes things slowly and who you trust completely

It has become an issue. I have largely downplayed and omitted the issue in my oP( I tried to present it as a hypothetical situation but kind of failed at this). We've been together for almost 6 months and I guess that might not be considered to be that long...
Original post by Anonymous
I have more trouble with the emotional side. This might be a bit tmi but I don't mind doing stuff on him but am afraid of him doing stuff on me. That's the difficulty I have with the physical side of the relationship.
May I ask how you deal/dealt with the difficulties?
Again sorry if I'm asking to many questions


I've had counselling but I deal with the difficulties with anger. By that I scream and yell my frustrations when it gets difficult to get physical with my husband.

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