Slept with a prostitute after breakup. Feel disgusted and ashamed at it all.

I was very much in love with my girlfriend. We broke up a few weeks ago and I had just about forgotten about her, like really forgotten about her.
I had rebound sex quickly after the breakup with an ex fwb. That was nice and everything and it kept my mind away from my ex gf for a while. That was a few weeks ago, shortly after the breakup.

Recently, I thought seeing an escort (an upmarket prostitute) would make me feel better about it all, you know, if i just had a really seedy "pornstar experience" session of sex that I thought I would enjoy. I was still feeling terrible, and since our lives were basically revolved around each other... now i was really alone.

I thought it would be a good experience, but the reality was, even though the girl looked like a pornstar the real thing was something I really did not enjoy. I was not attracted to the girl really, I did not like her mannerisms or the sex. I did not like the way she kissed, the way the touching went, it just felt so dirty (in the bad way). She was nothing compared to my ex and I just feel disgusted at myself over it. I went home and I threw away my clothing I wore in the session, I had a long shower and to be honest I just feel like I had done the totally wrong thing in an attempt to get over my ex. I just
I have gone from not really thinking about my ex as much anymore to realising that I am just going to find it very difficult to find someone with the same connection both mentally and physically. She really did deserve that pedestal. She had her own problems, but she really was the love of my life.

Just for the sake of detail, we broke up because we are both damaged goods with broken families. It would never have worked out. She had borderline personality disorder whilst I evidently have my own ****ed up problems. It was crazily good and crazily bad, in the end, crazily bad became more and more frequent.

Reply 1

Anonymous #1

So, basically, I am just totally lost and don't know how to get over all of this.

Reply 2

Velasco

Have you and your ex broken off all contact or is a friendship still salvageable there?

Reply 3

C=N-R

I'm more confused at the fact you kissed a hooker.... Brave, brave man.

Reply 4

Anonymous #1

Original post by Velasco

Have you and your ex broken off all contact or is a friendship still salvageable there?

It is no contact. And I don't think I could be friends with her as that will also be accepting and seeing her with a new guy possibly.

Reply 5

Anonymous #1

Original post by C-Rooney

I'm more confused at the fact you kissed a hooker.... Brave, brave man.

I know, I know. I have a go at girls for being 'sluts' , 'whores' sometimes. But I am just as bad, if not worse, myself.

Reply 6

C=N-R

Original post by Anonymous

I know, I know. I have a go at girls for being 'sluts' , 'whores' sometimes. But I am just as bad, if not worse, myself.

For what it's worth, break-ups aren't exactly easy (depending on how comfortable you were with your ex) I know that finding someone with the same personality can be very hard because you're so familiar with her personality but you will eventually find someone and build up a comfort zone again. You will eventually begin to move on. Meaningless sex always helps. :smile:

Reply 7

xOHarriet

A lot of us do stupid stuff in an attempt to move on after a break up - I caused a total **** storm of drama for myself shortly after a break up with my ex but you do come to accept/get over what you do

Break ups are always horrible, the way you're feeling is totally normal. But you WILL move on eventually and you WILL find someone new and better for you - cheesy, I know, but time really is the best healer

Reply 8

hellodave5

I got drunk and ended up in hospital on a birthday (drank too much, couldn't move), after a breakup... I'm not really a drinker.
Could always be worse :P
It's life, things don't always work out. Besides, something will work out in the future; with the same girl or otherwise.

Reply 9

lilymoran

Original post by Anonymous

I know, I know. I have a go at girls for being 'sluts' , 'whores' sometimes. But I am just as bad, if not worse, myself.

Quite, chickens coming home to roost.

If you behave badly you deserve to feel awful.

The only way to learn from this is to behave better. It does give some insight into why you had, will have, problems with maintaining a relationship with women if you are prepared to pay for sex. Says a whole lot ( and none of it good) about you.

Reply 10

stargirl63

You just need to try and put this behind you. After some time, you will start to think about it less. Just hang in there.

Reply 11

fat_hobbit

Original post by Anonymous

LAD

Reply 12

Velasco

Original post by Anonymous

It is no contact. And I don't think I could be friends with her as that will also be accepting and seeing her with a new guy possibly.

Oh - I was going to suggest you talk it over to her, as she probably understands you better than most and it might lead to some additional closure, whatever her reaction or thoughts on the matter, which would be healthy for you.

More generally it seems you have some unhealthy views both on yourself and women - insecurity over your own masculinity which you deal with by projecting onto others, especially women, who you judge and mock and disdain for having the audacity to live out the same kinds of desires and fantasies you yourself have.

Reply 13

Jebedee

How much did you pay?

Reply 14

Hope1992

I think need to work on yourselves as you say you both don’t come from a stable background, It’s not you or her it’s the problem itself you need to deal with what happened to you both growing up I recommend counselling for the both of you and also couple counselling, I myself come from a broken home and still suffer from nightmares and I’m 27 however just because you didn’t have a good childhood or had a bad upbringing means that you should drag them past things into your future, learn from your mistakes learn from those who didn’t give you what’s you needed as a child and make amends trust me it’s not easy but healing takes time, focus on maybe going to the gym, work or even taking up studying make something of yourself. If your both meant to be in each other’s lives it will happen at the moment your thinking with your heart. Being in a relationship where someone who knew every single thing about you can be hard but you both need to heal if you do talk sit down and write down what issues you have and how you can overcome them. Wish you best of luck