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Are people 'too nice' when it comes to rejections or disinterest?

I've been thinking about this for some time and would like some input from other people.

A few months ago I was rejected by a girl I liked. She never even gave me a yes or no answer, more of a way to get out of the situation and made up something on the spot. I don't like this, why do some girls insist on being too nice and not telling the guy straight up that she doesn't want to go out with him and why? They have a reason but are too scared to mention it.

It's even worse when someone isn't interested in you but still acts all playful and interested just so they 'don't hurt your feelings'.. It just leads people on to the wrong impression.

I'm not into the 'bitchy type'. In fact you don't have to act bitchy or douchy to tell the truth. Just a simple 'I don't want to go out with you' or 'I'm not interested in you, stop messaging me all the time' and that should end it.

I don't think it's just girls that do this but guys too.

What do you think? How do you usually reject someone you don't like? Has this ever happened to you when you liked someone?

Reply 1

ilem

17

Some people don't have the balls to explain their true stance when rejecting someone. I'm a staunch believer that anything other that a 'yes' should be taken as complete rejection when expressing your interest in someone. Consequently, all ties should be severed with the person.

Reply 2

Zarek

21

I partly agree with you.

This first part is that social convention is to not be blunt and hurtful when someone offers something. This is the way of the world and it is up to the rejected person to read between the lines, it's usually pretty clear really, and accept the true meaning. Also I guess there is time when you continue to meet the person and they genuinely want to be friendly. Again this is hardly a crime and it is up to the rejected person to live with it or distance themselves.

Where I do agree is that if the rejected person cannot cope with the situation and acts like an idiot after things are spelt out, it is not good to live with this for a long time. It is best to just tell the person you don't want to have anything to do with them. Very hurtful, but for the best.

Reply 3

Viva Emptiness

20

I personally hate dishing out rejection; it makes me feel deeply uncomfortable so I am guilty of stuff like this.

Most people don't want to be seen as awful or horrid, so they over compensate and end up being that anyway.

Now that I'm a bit older though I am learning to appreciate that straight-up honesty is the best policy.

Reply 4

Sinirastas

Original post by Zarek

This first part is that social convention is to not be blunt and hurtful when someone offers something. This is the way of the world and it is up to the rejected person to read between the lines, it's usually pretty clear really, and accept the true meanin..

This is also culture related. I have come to understanding that in UK for example people are more polite in general than for example in Finland, where words are few and people tend to be as blunt as possible, regardless of anyone's feelings. Personally I wish people could be more honest, open and even blunt sometimes, but at the same time I appreciate the habit of saying things like please and thank you as a norm and taking others and their feelings in consideration.

Reply 5

forborall

Could be:

- She doesn't want to hurt your feelings
- She's polite and not rude
- She has problems expressing herself properly
- She doesn't have the balls to say no

Either way, it's her problem, not yours.

Reply 6

forborall

Original post by Zarek

I partly agree with you.

This first part is that social convention is to not be blunt and hurtful when someone offers something. This is the way of the world and it is up to the rejected person to read between the lines, it's usually pretty clear really, and accept the true meaning. Also I guess there is time when you continue to meet the person and they genuinely want to be friendly. Again this is hardly a crime and it is up to the rejected person to live with it or distance themselves.

Where I do agree is that if the rejected person cannot cope with the situation and acts like an idiot after things are spelt out, it is not good to live with this for a long time. It is best to just tell the person you don't want to have anything to do with them. Very hurtful, but for the best.

OK so somebody rejects you, you hate them? what if it's a friend?

Reply 7

Zarek

21

Original post by forborall

OK so somebody rejects you, you hate them? what if it's a friend?

Don't really understand your point. But my experience is that if you fancy a friend and sense it's not on he cards the best option to retain friendship is to leave the question unanswered. It's not that you hate them if they reject you, but to me a relationship is a sort of extension of friendship and a rejection is pretty crushing and things cannot be the same after.

Reply 8

forborall

Just that if it's somebody you consider a friend, seems a bit harsh/cruel to dump them because they only like you platonically. also a bit childish too.

Reply 9

andrew2209

11

I wish girls in general were more straight forward about this, I can accept a cold hard truth if you're polite about it, If you don't tell a guy no, then he's likely to still think that you may like him. Also, I don't like this whole thing of someone rejecting a person, and then the person doing the rejection deciding they don't want to be friends anymore, a situation I sort of got in.

Reply 10

lilymoran

16

If you approach her, ask her to dance, ask her for a coffee, ask her out etc. and she's not saying yes - all other replies are no. There's no maybe she likes me about it.

Reply 11

YoungerHamii2014

9

This is a very convenient thread for me as I asked a girl that I really like out yesterday (on Results day), just for drinks or lunch and then she said "yeah sure" but mentioned herself being occupied with work and other things and that she'll let me know when she's free and when we hugged saying goodbye and mentioned us doing something together before we go our separate ways she said "definitely" multiple times.

Words/Verbal communication just don't cut it in this world anymore sadly, I think it's just the social norm to leave people in a grey area and not be black and white about the situation, thus why it's about the subleties and studying them: body language, eye contact, context, speech etc those subleties are another form of communication altogether. As much as I rate honesty as the best qualities a human being can have and would like honesty in everything I'm involved, I just have to accept that honesty is not applicable in every situation to everyone.

I know how you feel OP, to just want someone to come clean, probably demand an answer from them, the "don't hurt your feelings" concept is a paradox in itself because the inevitable rejections/deferring will infest as pain and hurt ones feelings in the end but hey ho... it's the way of this complex world.

(edited 9 years ago)

Reply 12

forborall

er...how people speak is often between the lines. Not everything say is explicit or to the point. it's always been that way, not just some modern social norm.

Reply 13

tillytots

19

Rejecting someone is just as scary as asking someone out imo.

Reply 14

Guybrush Sheepgood

15

People who are 'too nice' during rejection are pathetic, selfish and only doing it so they don't have to feel guilty (unless they're a good friend).

Think about this:

If you reject someone harshly, they will probably end up hating or disliking you. This makes it significantly easier for them to get over you. How can they fancy you if they hate you? Yes, it makes the rejecter feel bad for a very short amount of time, but it actively helps the 'infatuated person'.

So next time you need to give a rejection - be honest, tell them you don't want to go out with them because you find them repulsive.

Reply 15

UWS

OP

21

Original post by YoungerHamii2014

This is a very convenient thread for me as I asked a girl that I really like out yesterday (on Results day), just for drinks or lunch and then she said "yeah sure" but mentioned herself being occupied with work and other things and that she'll let me know when she's free and when we hugged saying goodbye and mentioned us doing something together before we go our separate ways she said "definitely" multiple times.

Words/Verbal communication just don't cut it in this world anymore sadly, I think it's just the social norm to leave people in a grey area and not be black and white about the situation, thus why it's about the subleties and studying them: body language, eye contact, context, speech etc those subleties are another form of communication altogether. As much as I rate honesty as the best qualities a human being can have and would like honesty in everything I'm involved, I just have to accept that honesty is not applicable in every situation to everyone.

I know how you feel OP, to just want someone to come clean, probably demand an answer from them, the "don't hurt your feelings" concept is a paradox in itself because the inevitable rejections/deferring will infest as pain and hurt ones feelings in the end but hey ho... it's the way of this complex world.

It's even worse when a girl says "yes" to having a date but can't seem to find one minute of her time to spend with you. I just prefer a straight up "no, I have a boyfriend" or "no, I'm not interested in you" and then I can move on to another girl.

It takes guts for guys to ask a girl out and it's probably difficult for some people to sum up the courage to do this, getting an answer which puts them in the grey area is very frustrating.

Personally I think when it comes to dating and relationships, being honest is hugely important. Even when it's a pre-relationship situation such as asking someone out, it's still important to be straight up about it. But that's just what I think.

Reply 16

India

I think everyone deserves honesty so at least then they know where they stand. The ambiguity of 'it's not you, it's me..' is obviously used to soften the blow and defer the guilt of telling someone that they simply don't like them in that way but ultimately it doesn't help that person who has been rejected.

I recently went out on a couple of dates with someone. I thought we got on well, but when they suddenly told me prior to our third date that he couldn't handle work commitments and current family issues, I found it very hard to understand whether or not that was the reason or the reason was me. Do you simply not like me in that way or are you genuinely struggling with your job and family life?

Just be straight with me.

Reply 17

Glimmerz

11

Do you even read the news? Every day a new headline - 'GIRL STABBED FOR REJECTING MANS ADVANCES', 'TEEN KILLED FOR SAYING NO'...etc. Some guys don't take rejection well AT ALL. We don't wanna be killed.

Reply 18

Glimmerz

11

oh. my point is still relevant tho lol. I can't tell how old they are, I just respond to whatever I can.

Reply 19

goperty

1

Original post by Glimmerz

Do you even read the news? Every day a new headline - 'GIRL STABBED FOR REJECTING MANS ADVANCES', 'TEEN KILLED FOR SAYING NO'...etc. Some guys don't take rejection well AT ALL. We don't wanna be killed.

Everyday there is a headline about someone being murdered yet those people that are murdered are still very very few within a population of millions. It's very unlikely that you will be attacked for being honest with someone and saying you are not interested. Though I think people do it as a way of not hurting the other persons feeling rather than worrying about being killed.

Are people 'too nice' when it comes to rejections or disinterest?

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