This discussion is now closed.

Check out other Related discussions

To move in with boyfriend or go to uni? Confused!

This is really a last resort posting this but I am so confused and I keep getting conflicting advice from my friends.

Basically, the back story is: Went to uni a few years ago but dropped out after first year as I was too immature and spent the entire time getting drunk instead of going to lectures. However, I have matured a lot since then and have a career plan now and decided to apply for uni again. I got my unconditional offer before Christmas and was very excited to be going back to uni.

Cut a long story short, ended up getting a boyfriend, fell in love and decided to forget about uni and move in together. He is honestly perfect and I'm sure we would be together for a long long time. But now it's nearer the time to when I should be starting uni in September, I can't help but think should I be going!? Should I be putting my career/education before a boy?

Where he lives where I would be moving to seems to have a high unemployment rate and not a lot of jobs available so I am worried about having no money or job too.

Bear in mind that I have had a few long term boyfriends before so I know how I feel about this one is different but also that relationships don't always work out so maybe I should not be focussing my life on a guy at such a young(ish) age. I seem to have a habit in the past of putting boys before everything else and then regretting it when it doesn't work out.

Also the uni I would be attending would be across the country so I doubt the relationship would be able to continue if I went there.

Sorry to sound soppy, but I really really love him but I am just so confused about all of this, feel like he is the right man just the wrong time!

Really its a tough decision of going to uni or moving in with my boyfriend, finding a job and making a life together.

Thanks to anyone who has managed to read through my essay! Any thoughts would be appreciated

Reply 1

lakers123

Personally I say go to uni

Like I know you love him and its different but uni is something youve wanted, worked for and like itll give you so many oppurtunities when youre done and like new experience etc.
Lie relationships dont alwaays work and just think like what would happen if it didnt like where would you be then ? Sorry if Im being negative or anything just with a bbig decision like this you gotta think worse case scenario.

If it is the right boy then just carry on while youre at uni at least the begining and see how things go or break up beforee. Like if hes the right guy wrong time then whose to say that after uni you get in touch again and start making a life then after getting a degree new experiences lessons etc.

Sorry for long message and hope it helps :smile:

Reply 2

anonymouspie227

Go to university. I would never put a boyfriend before my education. You will regret not going.

(edited 9 years ago)

Reply 3

joker12345

Go to uni. If your relationship really means that much you'll be able to continue it whilst at uni.

Reply 4

bubadeeboop

If you are determined to move in with your boyfriend (and it sounds like you are learning towards that) why not attend a local university? At least that way you will be doing something if you can't gain employment.

Also do you you know many people in this area? It sounds like you are moving away from your home area, so not knowing anyone will make that harder, attending uni whilst moving there would negate this and give you independence, incase the worst should happpen.

Reply 5

Ndella

It would be stupid of you NOT to go to university.

Reply 6

suzannataylor

It sounds like you have some really good plans for your future so I think you should go to uni. If he is the right person then it will work out anyway, and you shouldn't give up your dreams for anyone. Long distance can work, it has for me, so it's very possible that you could go to uni and stay together.

Reply 7

aoxa

I would say go to uni - it'll give you so many more career options in the future.

If he feels the same way as you do, surely he'd be willing to wait/ do long distance while you study?

Reply 8

Lucevar

Go to uni.

If it's meant to be and he's right for you, the relationship will last even if you go to university. If he's not and it doesn't, then you haven't thrown away all your dreams and hard work for him.

It also sounds like the place he lives isn't somewhere you want to live - and I think you're right to be concerned. High unemployment rates don't usually translate to a good standard of living and you'll be moving away from familiar surroundings, possibly even family and friends.

If he truly cares for you, he'll support you following your dreams. You don't *have* to give up the relationship to go to uni - it might be harder, but there are definitely ways to make long distance relationships work, and people do it all the time. I know several people in successful long distance relationships. If he tries to guilt trip you into giving up everything you know and have worked for to come with him without consideration of what going to uni would mean for you, run. Run far away. That's a massive and dangerous red flag. (and even people who seem to be amazing for the first few months can turn abusive and controlling very quickly - speaking from experience, unfortunately). I don't want to say that your boyfriend will, because I don't know him at all, but please keep it in mind. If you move somewhere where you're isolated and dependent on him because you can't find a job, that's a completely different situation to being at home, working, surrounded by friends and family and with plans for the future.

Reply 9

confused421

Original post by lakers123

Thank you for your reply! Yeah I totally agree with what your saying, it's just hard as I was initially so excited about moving in with him but now thinking I would regret not going to uni

Original post by anonymouspie227

Go to university. I would never put a boyfriend before my education. You will regret not going.

Original post by bubadeeboop

Thanks, yeah I was thinking of that but the nearest uni is about an hour away and I don't drive, but I'm looking into the higher courses at the local college as you're right I don't know anyone in the area so would be good to meet people.

Original post by suzannataylor

I would definitely be up for giving a long distance relationship a go but the only thing is that I know he wouldn't want to due to past bad experiences for him :frown:

Reply 10

confused421

Original post by aoxa

I would say go to uni - it'll give you so many more career options in the future.

If he feels the same way as you do, surely he'd be willing to wait/ do long distance while you study?

Well he has had a long distance relationship before and it ended badly so I really don't think he would want to have another one :/

Original post by Lucevar

Thanks for your reply, i would be happy to give ldr a go but unfortunately I highly doubt he would but I guess you're right that I shouldn't throw away all my dreams for someone who wouldn't be willing to make the effort with me.

The place where he lives is a beautiful town but sadly hours away from my family and very small and no jobs plus I can't drive so getting around is a problem. If I had a job sorted and/or some savings I would be far less stressed.

I think I am going to test out saying bits to him about the possibility of me going to uni
to see his reaction. There's a chance he could be fine with it but I have a feeling he will be really annoyed/upset..

Such a tricky situation, my mind is a mess!

Reply 11

suzannataylor

Original post by confused421

I would definitely be up for giving a long distance relationship a go but the only thing is that I know he wouldn't want to due to past bad experiences for him :frown:

My boyfriend was the same. He really didn't want long distance because he had hated it in a previous relationship, but we ended up making it work between the UK and Mexico :smile:

Reply 12

TheCynicalAdult

If he loves you, he will understand and agree with you to go to uni

Reply 13

tsr_username01

can you move in together near your new uni?

Posted from TSR Mobile

Reply 14

e aí rapaz

100% you will regret not going to uni.

Whether you stay with this guy or not, you will regret not going.

If you two are "meant to be" then you will easily work through the uni thing and remain together.

Reply 15

bittr n swt

Stupid question. Go to uni.

Reply 16

Musie Suzie

Even if he's the right guy, you'll never have a good, strong, happy, successful life together if you pass up uni now. As you've said, rates of unemployment are high in his area and you won't be the most employable candidate anyway - you'd be setting yourself up for an extremely difficult time.

And even if he were somehow successful enough to support both of you, you'll likely end up resenting him for having passed up your own chance of success.

Think of yourself and your own independent future before you think of one with him.

Posted from TSR Mobile

Reply 17

confused421

Original post by suzannataylor

My boyfriend was the same. He really didn't want long distance because he had hated it in a previous relationship, but we ended up making it work between the UK and Mexico :smile:

Thanks, that gives me some hope!!

Original post by tsr_username01

can you move in together near your new uni?

Posted from TSR Mobile

Well he has just started his new Job which quite well paid so I'm happy for him and wouldn't want him to give that up

Original post by e aí rapaz

Yeah I do agree with you, it's just that I know I'll be so heartbroken leaving him behind :frown:

(

Original post by Musie Suzie

Yeah I don't have the best work experience either, so I'd most likely have to work in retail until I could work my way up or find something else, which is obviously not the best.

He does earn a decent wage so we would be okay for money for a while but yeah I think I might feel a bit sour when I'm having to work behind a till every day on minimum wage, thinking how I should be in uni.

It's just really hard as I know how heartbroken I will be if I moved away without him :frown:

I'm not sure if I would even be able to concentrate on my degree at all.

Reply 18

BlueSheep32

Go to uni. You'd made plans to go before you met him and you'll most likely regret it for the rest of your life if you don't go, especially if your relationship with him ends (and I'm not saying you will, but you have to consider it as a possibility when thinking about these things, especially as you haven't been together for that long).

You've said he wouldn't want a long distance relationship with you because he's had bad experiences with them in the past - those were relationships with other girls, and you've said that the way you feel about him is different to the way you've felt about any other guy. Could he say the same thing about you?

Long distance relationships are hard but completely worth it if they're with the right person and if you are the right person for him and vice versa, being apart while you're at uni (I'm guessing you'd be doing a 3 year course?) will fly by - it's not a long time in the grand scheme of things if you're going to be together in the long term. Yes, plenty of long distance relationships fail, but remember so do the same amount of short distance relationships! It often has nothing to do with the distance and everything to do with the people not being right for each other. If you really love each other and the options you have are to go long distance or break up, then surely the former is always the best option to try first and if it doesn't work then maybe it wasn't meant to be anyway?

How far away from the uni you're planning on going to does he live/work? Is there a chance you could find somewhere to live together that's in between the two and commute to uni?