I'd Rather Watch Porn Than Have Sex With My Partner
I've been together with my partner now for about eight months (she doesn't like "girlfriend", apparently she's more than a friend who's a girl. Despite the apparent confusion over the term, I've always found it best not to argue and just to do as I'm told) and things have just gradually become slower and slower.
I can't go 10 minutes without texting or emailing her, not out of endless devotion and an empty heart when she's not with me, but out of acquiescence to avoid the arguments that would ensue later that day after I've apparently "rejected her existence". She keeps tabs on my phone, and insisted on a "trial separation" a few months into our relationship after I slept over at another girl's house. And no, not in a creepy sort of cheating way, but in an on-cushions-on-the-floor-along-with-twelve-other-people-because-she'd-had-a-house-party way. Much to my surprise (on second thoughts, not to my surprise at all), it wasn't so much of a trial separation - it never had anything to do with the possibility of breaking up, it was actually more of a "you're banned from me for two weeks". In all honesty, it's in the past now but I still remember, after the first few days, it feeling like a breath of fresh air.
Sex at the start of the relationship was amazing - I'm a pretty adventurous guy, and it was exciting to find someone else who loved to explore and try new things. Granted, she was probably a lot more experimental than me. Actually, probably more so than the vast majority of people here. But that aside, it was fun to try things out, and there was a certain thrill to them when they were a little outside my comfort zone anyway. In the last 8 weeks or so however, things have slowed down. We have sex once every four to five days, and when we do there's something about it that feels more like a chore than fun. And of course, there's always something wrong with what I'm doing. For example, in a normal relationship, if the girl wanted to go faster, a simple "go faster" would suffice. But here, it's always "you're too slow". Similarly, to slow down, it's not "slow down, baby" it's "You're too fast". It's got to the point where I find watching porn is a lot more enjoyable now. At least the actress on the screen isn't complaining all the way through.
I don't want to leave her. Deep down, I still love her, and to be honest, couldn't quite imagine life without her. I suppose it feels like there's some kind of security in our relationship - no matter what happens, we'll just make it through things. Nothing big, nothing small, just about adequate. I'm just not looking forward to what that entails. I've tried talking to her - if I say "We have to talk", she'll bring in something like "Yes, I know, I've been trying to get hold of you all morning. Why didn't you turn the TV off last night? Why did you put the dishwasher on outside the cheaper times? ..." and I can't get a word in edgeways, so right now I've just been floating along, nodding politely and sort of switching off. I suppose we do have our fun moments. They're hard to recall off the top of my head though.
Does anybody have any advice on how I could her to talk to me? I think this relationship is starting to get unhealthy.
I can't go 10 minutes without texting or emailing her, not out of endless devotion and an empty heart when she's not with me, but out of acquiescence to avoid the arguments that would ensue later that day after I've apparently "rejected her existence". She keeps tabs on my phone, and insisted on a "trial separation" a few months into our relationship after I slept over at another girl's house. And no, not in a creepy sort of cheating way, but in an on-cushions-on-the-floor-along-with-twelve-other-people-because-she'd-had-a-house-party way. Much to my surprise (on second thoughts, not to my surprise at all), it wasn't so much of a trial separation - it never had anything to do with the possibility of breaking up, it was actually more of a "you're banned from me for two weeks". In all honesty, it's in the past now but I still remember, after the first few days, it feeling like a breath of fresh air.
Sex at the start of the relationship was amazing - I'm a pretty adventurous guy, and it was exciting to find someone else who loved to explore and try new things. Granted, she was probably a lot more experimental than me. Actually, probably more so than the vast majority of people here. But that aside, it was fun to try things out, and there was a certain thrill to them when they were a little outside my comfort zone anyway. In the last 8 weeks or so however, things have slowed down. We have sex once every four to five days, and when we do there's something about it that feels more like a chore than fun. And of course, there's always something wrong with what I'm doing. For example, in a normal relationship, if the girl wanted to go faster, a simple "go faster" would suffice. But here, it's always "you're too slow". Similarly, to slow down, it's not "slow down, baby" it's "You're too fast". It's got to the point where I find watching porn is a lot more enjoyable now. At least the actress on the screen isn't complaining all the way through.
I don't want to leave her. Deep down, I still love her, and to be honest, couldn't quite imagine life without her. I suppose it feels like there's some kind of security in our relationship - no matter what happens, we'll just make it through things. Nothing big, nothing small, just about adequate. I'm just not looking forward to what that entails. I've tried talking to her - if I say "We have to talk", she'll bring in something like "Yes, I know, I've been trying to get hold of you all morning. Why didn't you turn the TV off last night? Why did you put the dishwasher on outside the cheaper times? ..." and I can't get a word in edgeways, so right now I've just been floating along, nodding politely and sort of switching off. I suppose we do have our fun moments. They're hard to recall off the top of my head though.
Does anybody have any advice on how I could her to talk to me? I think this relationship is starting to get unhealthy.
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Dude, how you've not cracked and walked I do not know! You must really like her. But a relationship has to work both ways and I just don't see that here, at all. You need to put some trousers on and tell her whose boss, or at least share a leg each.
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Original post by Baloney
Dude, how you've not cracked and walked I do not know! You must really like her. But a relationship has to work both ways and I just don't see that here, at all. You need to put some trousers on and tell her whose boss, or at least share a leg each.
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Posted from TSR Mobile
I suppose I feel like I've invested too much in us to give up, and I've built us something of a stable life - we've both just graduated, and I suppose we're actually (almost) living the dream - I bought a nice house in a village, we've got two cars, we've had a few barbecues over the summer and our neighbours have come along, I think we've settled into our routine quite well.
Original post by Anonymous
x.
simple as, just talk to her. Talking to her about these things would make you better off, or at least try it before jumping the gun.
Original post by idelaghetto
simple as, just talk to her. Talking to her about these things would make you better off, or at least try it before jumping the gun.
Original post by Kill3er
Talk to her. If that doesn't work, leave.
I try to talk to her, but I only get half a sentence in before she turns it around to what I've fallen short on recently. Usually housework, bills, not fixing the computer etc.
Original post by Anonymous
I try to talk to her, but I only get half a sentence in before she turns it around to what I've fallen short on recently. Usually housework, bills, not fixing the computer etc.
Be firm. Man up and stop letting her walk all over you.
"I need to talk to you about.."
"Have you fixed the computer yet!?"
"SHUT THE **** UP AND LISTEN B*TCH!"
(edited 9 years ago)
Cut her loose. If she can't please you then she's not worth it.
I thought after about three sentences you should get rid, and nothing thereafter convinced me otherwise.
Original post by Kill3er
Be firm. Man up and stop letting her walk all over you.
"I need to talk to you about.."
"Have you fixed the computer yet!?"
"SHUT THE **** UP AND LISTEN B*TCH!"
"I need to talk to you about.."
"Have you fixed the computer yet!?"
"SHUT THE **** UP AND LISTEN B*TCH!"
She's not walking all over me. I do have to wait till she's gone to bed before I can watch the sports, but then again, I still get to watch it! I know there must be other guys out there with it far worse.
(edited 9 years ago)
The relationship doesn't sound like a healthy one.. it sounds like you no longer have the spark you did and there is little to none communication about how you feel. She clearly does not trust you and is invading on your privacy by 'keeping tabs' on your phone. Relationships are a two way street of give and take. Ask yourself how is she contributing positively to the relationship? Because you sound unhappy and stuck in a routine that may suit you both economically but is it all worth it at the end of the day to be in an unhappy relationship?
On the sex front- sex isn't the be all and end all of a relationship but I think it is important (unless its an asexual relationship but thats not relevant here). If you'd rather watch porn than make love to your partner that indicates something is wrong in the bedroom department. You sound as if you're both not being satiated in that sense.. and her comments/the chore like feeling of it is getting you down hence the preference of porn.
I'd suggest either sit down with her and have an honest open serious talk about your relationship, tell her how you're feeling about the relationship and her behaviour in general and hope you can discuss how you are going to go forward and make things better or the other option is leaving it altogether, at the end of the day this is your life and you deserve happiness!
On the sex front- sex isn't the be all and end all of a relationship but I think it is important (unless its an asexual relationship but thats not relevant here). If you'd rather watch porn than make love to your partner that indicates something is wrong in the bedroom department. You sound as if you're both not being satiated in that sense.. and her comments/the chore like feeling of it is getting you down hence the preference of porn.
I'd suggest either sit down with her and have an honest open serious talk about your relationship, tell her how you're feeling about the relationship and her behaviour in general and hope you can discuss how you are going to go forward and make things better or the other option is leaving it altogether, at the end of the day this is your life and you deserve happiness!
Original post by natties
Is it better to be comfortable than to be happy? Finding a great relationship entails some risk that I don't think you're willing to take. Are you afraid that you won't do better?
In all honesty, the fear is more about losing my cycle. My career is going well, we're both in a routine, and at the moment I don't want to be distracted or put out of commission for a few months to get over someone that I don't mind living with.
Original post by Anonymous
She's not walking all over me. I do have to wait till she's gone to bed before I can watch the sports, but then again, I still get to watch it! I know there must be other guys out there with it far worse.
So she is walking all over you...
Original post by CRW1996
So she is walking all over you...
She got a car before me, put me on the named drivers list and never let me drive it, so I bought a better car.
I have my victories, don't you worry.
In all seriousness though, I don't think it's as bad as people think. I'm not particularly unhappy, just getting fed up.
Original post by Anonymous
In all seriousness though, I don't think it's as bad as people think. I'm not particularly unhappy, just getting fed up.
If you are fed up now, how do you think you will feel if you're still with her in 5 years time?
It's only been 8 months! You find her attractive and okay as a person, but you don't like/miss/want her or the way she and your relationship is.
I can live with my housemates, they're alright. I don't want to ****ing marry them, no way no how!
It's alright for now, in the future it's going to be hellish and you will hate her because you need to spend your life actually enjoying it with someone you communicate well and have fun with. A few months of readjustment is worth it for the sake of life fulfillment. If it's your house, you're not exactly going to lose your job and neighbours anyway.
This comes to mind:
I can live with my housemates, they're alright. I don't want to ****ing marry them, no way no how!
It's alright for now, in the future it's going to be hellish and you will hate her because you need to spend your life actually enjoying it with someone you communicate well and have fun with. A few months of readjustment is worth it for the sake of life fulfillment. If it's your house, you're not exactly going to lose your job and neighbours anyway.
This comes to mind:
(edited 9 years ago)
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