random thought of the evening - i would give anything to ensure my brothers never have to deal with mental illness. i love the both of them so ******* much, and i know not everybody has amazing siblings which makes me all the more grateful for them. i want them to grow up and get a job they love so much it doesn't feel like working, and marry women or men who make them so happy they can't imagine life without them, and to grow old and happy and content. i never want them to have to go through this kind of hell. i'd rather me have to fight this for the rest of my life than them have to suffer. they're both such bright sparks, i never want their flames to be extinguished.