Just Found Out The Guy I Like Has A Girlfriend :(

The stereoytpes don't really make a difference . The 'nice guys' tend to be some of the ones with the most dickhead-ish characteristics. Like being overly arrogant and looking down on other people. Or small man syndrome maybe. And insecurities that can lead to abusive relationships.

What attracted you to him in the first place? He doesn't sound like he has any redeeming qualities lmao.

Thanks again. I know that "normal" girls often seem spoilt to some, but they don't have "baggage" etc. either and I'm not sure if most guys would find my family background (imagine dating a girl with no parents...) a turn-off either. What do you mean by the sort of guy who goes for normal girls, btw? Isn't that most guys?

Yeah, you're right rationally speaking. I'm trying not to get hung up on them, I think I'm just so stressed right now that even my usually organised mind is being pushed too much, and then hearing that this guy had a girlfriend just brought all the old insecurities rushing back .

I'm actually in a bit of a horrible situation here regarding seeing him again. He and my friend (together with a couple of other people I know) are doing a temporary project for my firm that starts next month and ends in February, which has also been offered to me as a current employee. I told my boss I would probably do this project as a side thing. I could make a few extra thousand from doing it (which would really come in handy) by doing so - but now that I know he has a girlfriend and he probably knows I like him and is judging me for it, I'm not sure if I want to go for it or not.

I slept with a guy who I thought was decent turned out he had a gf and I only found out when months I didn't hear from him his flatmates told me because they all hated him and he moved out. Few weeks later I saw him he came up to me to ask me to go back to his place! So he turned out to be a right A**hole and it left me feeling so cheap at the time, there will always be people like that in your life if it wasn't meant to be it wasn't it just means there is someone worth waiting for and finding. You will be in London so jealous haha

I say give yourself some time to settle in and breathe sometimes distance eases the tension with you and your family, I have a really close friend who's in a very similar situation and even though its still awkward she's moved away from her family ad gradually its getting better

Yeah, that's very true I do think he has slight small man syndrome lel.

Just the intelligence/ability to hold a smart conversation and competence at his job I guess. And the fact that he has a ridiculously cute face/eyes. I always go for guys with feminine faces for some reason, even though the majority of the attention I get (whether on the street, at the gym, or wherever) is from guys with masculine faces/muscular bodies Maybe I should change my preferences.

Dating a girl with no parents sounds awesome

I don't really know what I mean, and yes by definition it would be most guys, but I doubt you'd like them, so don't worry.

Yeahh. What you need is a friend to see and offload on. Any best friends from home on Skype?

He's probably completely unaware of the whole thing, and if he was I very much doubt he would be judging you for it, this isn't high school, and if he were to act like that, it would say much more about him than about you. Apart from anything else, he doesn't know you know he has a girlfriend...

As for the project, I'd go for it, the money will be great, and close proximity could turn you off him just as easily as turn you on to him, and who knows, you may be in luck and find he starts to like you. I would be able to handle it personally but you might not, you'd have to make the call.

lol can you do that? Just randomly change your preferences drastically?

Btw what scrotgot said. I tend to find girls with some bad past attractive as well for some reason. I had a ****ty childhood as well.
But ye those girls are usually just nicer and less selfish than the rest.

Fortunately, I never made a move on him, but last time we talked I think it showed - I didn't explicitly hit on him, but was really cheerful and bubbly and I think he spotted something because he suddenly became very cold. I'm worried that he's just looking down on me now as though I like him he can be very judgmental and rational and snarky. I liked him because he was smart and competent, now I hate myself for doing so.

I'm literally so gutted. I just moved to London, so maybe my situation will improve and I'll meet new guys

I'm quite physically attractive, very friendly and do get guys hitting on me even when I'm just walking around doing my thing,

I'm tired of being single though...

I feel so stupid for ever liking him and am literally just crying my eyes out for being so stupid yet AGAIN I don't think (depending on a project at work) I ever have to see or talk to him again if I don't want to, but we are both Londoners so I might run into him without expecting it. We have completely different hangouts though fortunately.

Can't hurt to try . The "nerdy/feminine" guys I tend to go for often seem to go for the hipster/"quirkily beautiful" feminist girls lol - those who are really unconventional with their appearance and like indie bands and stuff. I'm a bit too "conventional" sometimes (long hair, dress in a certain way, conformist to some extent, love sports, feminine myself) which masculine guys seem to dig a lot more than girly guys. Sometimes feminine guys seem to hate me just for being me

Sorry to hear that, bro

Talking of selfishness, is there any way to spot in advance if a guy is going to be awful about my past before telling him? (Besides him just generally being a dick lel).

I really hope so I was unusually happy/bubbly when talking to him last time though (not intentionally flirty, but you know how one gets sometimes) and I think he picked up on it because he suddenly got cold during a perfectly normal conversation. He is unfortunately very judgmental - he does stuff like Tweet awful stuff about people he sees on the Tube and call them stupid or something (Yeah, I know...)

I actually think I will (money talks haha.) How do you reckon I should act towards him, though? Looking back and feeling calmer now, he's definitely a dick a lot of the time (to me and people in general); I wouldn't have been half as nice to him as I have if I didn't fancy him. Should I just be stone cold and really blunt? Lol.

Aww hi there, I can relate to a lot of what you've said :3.

For one thing, you sound like you're being so hard on yourself. Stop that! If you be hard on yourself about everything, you will really be miserable for a long time. I used to do this too, I know what a tempting habit it is to slip into but gradually bit by bit you need to stop being so self critical and gradually you will build up your esteem until you're bulletproof (or almost bulletproof :P)

e.g. saying stuff like "I'm so embarrassed too, I'm mad at myself for falling for him too quickly", "I hate myself for doing so"... if you keep on saying these things to yourself then you'll never open yourself up to happiness, as hippy-like and soppy as that sounds, it is actually true.

Life has taught me that you need to be absoloutely relentless (and don't worry I can totally relate to your situation of family problems consuming you and loneliness and whatever else) in giving yourself another chance and try reasoning with yourself. They do say that the best way to find yourself is to lose yourself in the service of others, and thats true in a way becase if you really help others you will become so skilful at it that eventually you will say 'hey why I am being lovely to all these people but not lovely to me'. Additionally having these thoughts will just inhibit you in life full stop. They will prevent you from making the changes in your life and in your surroundings that you want - you sound like a good person and I'm sure you want to help others or at least make positive changes in your immediate environemtn, but if you keep on with this tirade of self-abuse you will literally not reach those goals as harsh as it sounds.

I quite honestly doubt this is the case. Maybe he just realised that there was a bit of a dynamic going on between you and that's why he went cold because he wanted to be faithful to his girlfriend. I mean, it's a positive thing because it shows that a lot of guys out there do have self-restraint and will close down such situations . I mean come on, if someone was attracted to you, would you look down on them?! You would probably just be flattered and decline the attention, like he did. Admittedly you may not have become totally cold but what other way is there to send the message to someone that youre taken and you aren't interested?!
Plus, I mean you havent been a total stalker and sent him love letters or anything. Why does he have any reason to look down on you? I'm fairly certain he too as liked someone unrequitedly before, and remember that. It's easy to feel like we re the only one who has ever been stupid enough to like someone we shouldn't but when it comes down to it everyone has crushed on someone who wasn't feeling it, and for quite a few people they have not just crushed on them but had their hearts broken/ripped out. So don't be going on this "omg he must think I'm soooo weird, I'm like an alien for liking someone who I didn't know had a girlfriend, like how could I ever possibly like someone who I thought was available? I'm such a freak" line :P sorry for the exagerration but you know it's silly. Of course I've been there and it's tough but you know that it doesn't make sense!

And for gooness sake girlfriend, stop feeling embarassed and hating yourself I mean come on life is toooo short for any of that! You can't get into that spiral of thoughts! You've had enough to deal with with family stuff so be kind to yourself! You are young and you can't get these moments back!

Yeah you might meet someone thats right for you, but you might not. That's the way I think about it. I'm single too at the moment and am sick of being mistreated by guys and never having the serious genuine boyfriend that seems to come to other girls so easily, but is it really the most important thing for you right now? For me, the way I overcome the oh too tempting thought of "I REALLY WISH THERE WAS SOMEONE WHO JUST COMPLETED ME" is too complete myself. i mean what do you stand for? What do you want to fight for? I'm sure there are some things that matter to you. There are a lot of people out there in the world who don't give a damn, but I'm sure they're not truly happy and even if they are they are not trully fulfilled or useful to humanity. All the goodness in the world is dependent on people that actually do want to be a good source of kindness and compassion and helpfulness to others and fight against things that are wrong and for things that are right - in absoloutely whatever way you want to do that. There are literally a million ways. It could just be a chat with someone old and ignored, it could be by being an inspirational teacher, or by being a scientist. And all that makes you feel good about yourself, whilst doing good for the world in turn. It is a win-win situation. If you emanate kindness and be a positive change in other people''s lifes then those things will come to you. There are those that don't believe this but if you don't believe in happiness for everyone, and you don't believe that you can be happy, then how will you ever be happy?

That's great, embrace those things and forget the 'i hate myself'. What reason do you really have to hate yourself? You are just human. Be led by your talents and not your self-loathing as Russell Brand say.

Well be tired some more. Endure some more (**** I know that is easier said than done and it will take so much heartbreak before it happens) but be tired some more until you find the someone. Imo bad relationships come from peopel feeling that they need someone too much, and not from feeling self-sufficient. Then if/when the relationship starts to break, everything starts to break if you see what I mean. If you honestly go out there feeling this self-hating then you will not find someone who respects you will find someone who wants to take advantage of your vulnerability, sad to say. So turn that frown upside down and wipe those tears away . I can tell how emotionally invested you were in this guy from the way you cried buckets (don't worry been there) but you have to cry a lot of tears before a smile becomes more easy than a tear . It's good to cry out all the loneliness and all the neediness and all the feeling bad about the past sometimes but when youre cried out you need to know you're cried out. At this point I'd like to interjet "If the eye had no tear the soul would have no rainbow" :P haha cheesy I know but true in my opinion.

Oh who cares about him! He's just a person! Sometimes in life you just have to brave it and hold your head high and stride past like a pro and that's the best way to get anyone whose trying to bring you down down. If you hold yourself in high esteem then no one else can touch you. I know all this sounds very preachy and patronising but believe me when I say I have been there and learnt the hard way. Good luck to you, I hope to hear of your esteem rising up in gradual little bouts and if you want to chat you can pm me anytime .

x.

rofl. I srsly find those guys so pathetic going for feminist girls. It's like the male equivalent of a girl going after men that treat them like ****.

Tbh you sound like the opposite to the nerd stereotype They probably hate you because they're prejudiced against people who like sports and anything they deem mainstream lel. People who actually actively try to fit into these nerd/hipster stereotypes and look down on others are so retarded lmao.

I have no idea really because I don't date guys haha. I could tell you if you were a guy asking for warning signs with girls. I suppose if they're shallow, arrogant, judgemental, have no depth of character, those are pretty good indicators.

Just act normally and stop caring. Doesn't matter what he thinks. He's 5'3" lel.

I agree with the karma-esque things you said about doing good and having good come to you



There is advice like this everywhere thats slightly different but all essentially the same thing. Like becoming a 10/10 to attract a 10/10.


I disagree with crying for the sake of it though. That would just make me feel like **** like 'wtf just happened? why did I do that? How am I so pathetic to even reach that point?' Jussayin lol

Yeah, in my first year at uni I found this hipster medical student quite attractive, but a mutual friend told me he had called me a "bimbo" because I was on the cheerleading team and "annoyingly bubbly"

I seriously think I will just stick to sporty guys (and not ones like this guy who just do loads of cycling/running and are the left-wing hipster sort) from now on. Much less hassle too lel, feminine guys often tend to expect the girl to chase them and stuff.

Literally dying laughing here right now Thanks, will keep that in mind the next time he sees me and is in his usual Napoleonic cold snarky mood lmfao. Manlets when will they learn.

Don't know I think it's good to clear the system. Maybe you do it when you're watching sad movies and you just haven't realised it yet

I generally don't watch sad things because they make me feel bad lol. I do other things.

welllllll. mi thinks you're judging by stereotypes too much though? Like you think people who look a certain way act a certain way? lol. You can just see if they're a dick by seeing if they have bigoted views or judge people harshly without knowing much about them.

Lol @ calling you a bimbo for being talkative and liking cheer leading though. Thats such an insecure arrogant ignorant nerd thing to say.

Manlets when will they learn

Heh what about all those times you got emotional on movies as an adult looool. that was what I was referring to.

My crying yourself out theory still stands, whatever :P

I'm starting a journal which will hopefully help.

I'm typing all that stuff out because I'm kind of wallowing right now, I hate crying for ages like this... But, yeah, I understand that I need to stop sooner or later

Sorry to hear about your family problems and loneliness That's so true about being relentless, yeah

I don't know if "helping others" would help much in my current situation, though. I'm a bit too nice to others sometimes, and even my closest friends tell me that I should be more selfish/focus on myself more at times. I have great social skills, but sometimes give too much of myself to others.

Life's too short, very true TBH, though, he is a "judgy" person generally (he Tweets about people doing stuff like eating on the Tube if he disapproves of them or considers them "stupid" or "irrational"), so he might very well be judging me if he figured out I fancied him. But I'm starting to care less and less about his opinion of me, thanks

Great point, especially the part in bold Yeah, I'm definitely passionate about my career right now, it's just proving a lot of hard work at the outset. I am trying to make something of my values, though

Yep, I guess if we're happy while single then that's the only way to find a meaninful relationship too

I am just tired of being sad though, I don't ever see any positives in it

Haha, very true Yeah, it's what one thinks of oneself that counts I guess!

I certainly will if that's OK .

Thank you so much again

ye I know they just put me in a sad mood after watching them. So doesn't work lel. I think that only works for women because they're just weird and cry anyway when they're on their time of the month lmfao.

I don't really go by appearances so much (I've known 6" built nerdy hipsters and small footballer masculine guys, lol), but I think there's some truth to the stereotypes. I do think that maybe going for "feminine" guys personality wise (which reflects in their dress sense sometimes) might be a mistake

Lmfao @ at the song. Such a tune tho, will be downloading off iTunes