The Student Room Group

I feel so odd one out

Xxxx
(edited 8 years ago)
Is there no group where there are both males and females? I'll admit I don't know how to help much; my sixth form has very few, if any, groups that are based on gender.

Maybe it would be easier if you stopped thinking about it in terms of "girls and boys". I really don't know if that would help you, but it's a suggestion.
Reply 2
Original post by MangoFreak
Is there no group where there are both males and females? I'll admit I don't know how to help much; my sixth form has very few, if any, groups that are based on gender.

Maybe it would be easier if you stopped thinking about it in terms of "girls and boys". I really don't know if that would help you, but it's a suggestion.


Not really at my school. About 60 in the year and groups are completely split in gender. Sure they talk to each other but when they sit etc they are split. Well actually I can think of one but they are sort of ... don't touch sort of people...you know what I mean x.x

I'm in a weird environment I know. I have been for all my life - girls only school to begin with, to 100 student school, to mixed but split school...oh god I'm lucky but unlucky at the same time

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You'll be okay. Whatever your last 16 years has been like, don't worry. Also its not just girls that you can make friends with, there are boys too. You can make friends with anyone. People in high school aren't always open minded, but sixth formers generally are more open minded. People at university certainly are so you will feel the difference when you do get to that stage for sure. I'm much older than you but feelings of loneliness persist, as they do probably for anyone. But its fine, its just a part of life. Focus on the here and now. I'm barely in touch with any of the people that I met at school. The friendships that I have are ones that I forged at university. Sleep well x
Just try and make friends with some guys, you seem to have a lot more in common with them anyway, and they'll probably have female friends who you'll get to know. They might not seem as friendly and gushy or whatever, but if you just try a little and have a laugh with a few in lesson or whatever then you'll be able to make friends with them. Don't worry about thinking you "should" be making friends with girls just because you're a girl, then again, like the person above said - don't think about it in terms of "girls and boys", just peope, who share your interests.
I spent most of my teens feeling like an odd one out, lots of this chimes with me, so this is a view from the other side of it. Changed to an all-girls school in 6th form, for the subjects/teachers, and it just felt worse.

Truth: for a whole bunch of us, for a whole bunch of reasons, school years are the most confused, out-of-place, where-do-I-fit time of our lives. None of this Best Years stuff. Plenty of people are faking it to get by, too. Are the break times pain because you really WANT to fit in with those people or because you feel you OUGHT to because other people want you to? Try to separate the two. If it's because of other people's feelings about how you should be, forget it. They aren't you. If it's because of what YOU want - and almost everyone wants a social group of some kind - then I would say hang in there, you will find them in time.

Be one of the guys if that feels most comfortable, and forget the idea that a "normal girl" is also the "right" way to be a girl. There are as many ways of being a girl as there are girls, and what's normal in Europe, or America would look plain odd to a culture in Asia or South America perhaps. Someone will be uncomfortable with the norms in any given place. Is being not-smack-in-the-middle-of-the-bell-curve a psychological condition? No, but sometimes you can be made to feel it is.

As an aspiring physicist with no interest in makeup and celebs, and who games, you sound like my 19 year old son's ideal girl (actually, you also sound a bit like a younger version of the fantastic female head of the maths faculty at his last school). If you appreciate a good beer over a vodka-and-something-vile, his (mixed) group of friends would go out for a drink with you any evening. There is a crowd for you out there, you just haven't found them yet, and probably won't until you get a wider pool of people to look among. That happens when you leave school.

EVERYTHING changed at uni, it was like coming out of a tunnel for me. The sharp categories, the things you "have" to be interested in - they fade as your teens end, at least among people with any substance. People become less defined by social markers and following trends, and more real, more really themselves. It gets better. Promise.
Hey just concentrate on your studies and don't worry about it! A-level students typically 16-18 are going to be superficial etc. so you may have to wait until uni to meet a group of people who aren't consumer slaves and victims of social engineering.
:rolleyes: :yes:
true
Dayuuuum. Me and you would have had a great friendship.

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(edited 9 years ago)
Reply 9
Original post by sunnydespair
You'll be okay. Whatever your last 16 years has been like, don't worry. Also its not just girls that you can make friends with, there are boys too. You can make friends with anyone. People in high school aren't always open minded, but sixth formers generally are more open minded. People at university certainly are so you will feel the difference when you do get to that stage for sure. I'm much older than you but feelings of loneliness persist, as they do probably for anyone. But its fine, its just a part of life. Focus on the here and now. I'm barely in touch with any of the people that I met at school. The friendships that I have are ones that I forged at university. Sleep well x

Hm I talk to FM boys in class about the work and two boys who come to library lot about homework lol

Maybe I expected too much out of sixthform. I thought I'd make great friends because there will only be people that like their subjects. But turned out to be most of them are doing them because they need them for whatever entry requirement says, or because their GCSE was good in them, their friends also do them, or because of what their parents told them. Seems like though, what I expected won't happen until uni...
I never talk to people from my country or my recent friends from my previous school anymore. That's making me desperate for friends here maybe...even though I like to be in a quiet enviroent - people cannot live alone they say


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Reply 10
Original post by florabritannica
.

Thanks a lot. words from experience is what I find most valuable in cases like this

People always tell me high school was the best time of their life. My dad's colleague who's from my country but lived abroad and went to highschool in my city for long time also told me that. This made me feel even more odd I guess. Well yes in terms of education it's been the best time because I only have to think about my beloved subjects but these people obviously don't mean that.

Breaks are pain because I feel pathetic how I can't fit in and I don't want to be looked at with "caring" eyes which makes me feel even more pathetic. I just hate this feeling of being pathetic (what's the noun of pathetic lol). Parents, teachers, dad's colleagues, my family in my country all expect me to make friends and they're worried if I already have - which is making me feel bad. I feel desperate because I don't have anyone that I can call "best friend" (oh that awkward moment an innocent little kid asks me who my best friend is...) anymore - I have't talked to what used to be my 'best friends' from my old school in my country for almost 3 years because I've changed a lot living abroad and life's very very different in my home country.

Well I'm from Japan, so Asia, and I can say that my kind is minority there as well - what's normal 'girl' in Europe is normal there, except it's with obviously different taste in clothes or other set of celebs
And I thought the fact that I get so tired and stressed from talking to most of the people I've met and how I cannot somehow create a conversation or keep the conv going which is essential to making friends.. was a psychological condition and not the fact that I have different interests.

Hahaha I wish I were at his school. Too bad I'm not probably anywhere near your son is and I've never even had a beer in my life yet (except when I accidentally drank beer thinking it was water...because it didn't look yellow in a glass.. lol)
Speaking of teachers, I seem to get on better with my teachers than the students. They have strong passion towards their subject and especially a female maths teacher (head of faculty as well coincidentay lol) who is supposed to be mean and unpopular amongst majority of students seems like she could've been a good friend if she was less old. :ninja:

Promise! I trust you :frown: and I'm sure you're a great parent because wht you said doesn't sound superficial 'caring' stuff that people tend to say when they dont' really mean it. it's quite amusing how adults at my parents' age use TSR though! My parents got no idea about anything like this :awesome:


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Reply 11
Lol!
Actually I beat them all in GCSE and people asked me what I got in GCSE along with the 'which subject u doin' crap convo that's probably taken place millions of times this month. I tell them what I got...then they get scared (???) and leave...wtf?

Hmmm but surely teachers will talk about me thenn hahaha

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Reply 12
Original post by QuantumSuicide
Dayuuuum. Me and you would have had a great friendship.

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:five:

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Original post by C0balt
Thanks a lot. words from experience is what I find most valuable in cases like this

People always tell me high school was the best time of their life.


I HATE it when people say that. I took an overdose in my A level year, and I put in down in large part to this particular line: when everything seemed particularly un-deal-with-able, when I was just down the bottom of a pit and wanted everything to STOP, one thought ringing round my head was "If this is the BEST, what about the rest?" Let me tell you, having your stomach pumped is No Fun At All. And I went deaf for two days until it all wore off. Really not recommended!

I think what we mean when we tell younger people that is "I never had to fill in a tax return, arrange a mortgages, pay bills, fix the car..." We remember the freedom from petty responsibility. We forget the lack of control, the lack of choice, that went with it. It's like looking back down the road of your life in a rose-tinted rear-view mirror.

If you want to shut up the next person who says, try "Really? That must be kind of disappointing." Or, to be kinder "What, before you met your husband/wife, before you had your lovely kids, the great job...?"

If forced to reflect, I beleive most of us would admit that what we really miss is that we could to run up stairs three at a time, we could stay up all night (whether to party, to cram, or to finish a good book) without feeling ^&%%$£ next day, we learned faster and felt smarter, and we mostly dreamed we were going to conquer the world in some field, and now we know we mostly haven't, which is a little bit disappointing. Do make the most of those things while you're young! Especially learn all you can: you will learn things all your life, but never so readily again. That's galling.


Original post by C0balt
And I thought the fact that I get so tired and stressed from talking to most of the people I've met and how I cannot somehow create a conversation or keep the conv going which is essential to making friends.. was a psychological condition and not the fact that I have different interests.


But being tired and stressed by something stressful is entirely normal! If you are more of an introvert than an extravert, it's no condition or fault, just a way you are. Add to that (or even without that) the external factor of not having much in common with the people you're trying to be social with, you have a stressful situation you find yourself in, not a problem all inside yourself.

Original post by C0balt
Hahaha I wish I were at his school. Too bad I'm not probably anywhere near your son is and I've never even had a beer in my life yet (except when I accidentally drank beer thinking it was water...because it didn't look yellow in a glass.. lol)


Oh, the school has its fair share of other kinds of people, and he had some kind of lost years earlier on, but he did have a core of like-minded friends by the end. Big school, so there's bound to be every sort of group. But it's not all easy sailing: leaving school means having to start again. He goes to uni this weekend and Freshers Week looks like it's all foam parties and clubbing, so he got pretty down. But via TSR he found a facebook group for his uni called something like "hate clubbing, what to do during Freshers" and there's a pizza evening, they're planning movie nights for the whole term, and he's found and started chatting to someone on his engineering course - a girl, from overseas, who doesn't drink at all, so with three strikes against fitting in - you'd think. But they've both found the group who don't want to dress up and drink till they fall over while being deafened, and he has a grin on his face again. Total change. It is all about finding those people, they may not be in your school, but they are out there, and in the not-too-distant future you will be too.


Original post by C0balt
Speaking of teachers, I seem to get on better with my teachers than the students. They have strong passion towards their subject and especially a female maths teacher (head of faculty as well coincidentay lol) who is supposed to be mean and unpopular amongst majority of students seems like she could've been a good friend if she was less old. :ninja:


Yep, I recall the thing of people doing A levels being disappointingly not-as-into their subjects as you'd think. Every step along the way in specialisation brings you into contact with a more concentrated pool of people who really are into it. If you're academically inclined, maybe you'll enjoy your degree but hit your stride completely in your postgrad environment!

I do think it's a shame that some of the "safeguarding" stuff in schools now means teachers and pupils are often more distant than they were in the past - and adults and teens in general. I can remember socialising quite a bit with teachers in sixth form - lots of coffee and informal, sociable extra study groups, that sort of thing. Some of it still happens, but it feels like less. Nothing wrong with being sociable with a teacher if you and they are both really into the same subject. I think it's called mentoring when people want to approve of it.

Original post by C0balt
Promise! I trust you :frown: and I'm sure you're a great parent because wht you said doesn't sound superficial 'caring' stuff that people tend to say when they dont' really mean it. it's quite amusing how adults at my parents' age use TSR though! My parents got no idea about anything like this :awesome:


Ah, I think people do mean it, but since this is a student website, most of the people don't have the years of life (you can do this bit in a mock quavering-with-age voice if you like) after which you can look back and say "OK, this I know for definite, and this is why I know it." Age does have some compensations - I don't know if we get wiser, but we have more evidence to call on. Am I a great parent? Hmm. My sons seem to be doing OK, and my sister just sent her daughter back from abroad to do A levels living with me, so I must be doing something right, but it still feels like I'm muddling along on a wing and a prayer a lot of the time!

I first came here for the student view of different unis because my son had some prejudices (along the lines of "I will not apply to Cambridge, it looks appalling, it's going to be full of people like the current UK cabinet") that I wanted to check against reality. You lot are all WAY more switched on and better informed than we were at your age, but I think you have to be. I often stand in awe of you and the complexities you knowingly face. But then, I also find the things that are still the same, and probably have been forever, and will be forever. If you can handle the idea that your parents might see your own posts, you should probably introduce them to this site. I think for most of my generation it would be a bit of a revelation.

Ah, that was lengthy. Sorry. But, I want to give you instances of how life can get better, rather than just assurances. 'Cause you're a physicist, and predisposed to want evidence!
Reply 14
Original post by florabritannica
If forced to reflect, I beleive most of us would admit that what we really miss is that we could to run up stairs three at a time, we could stay up all night (whether to party, to cram, or to finish a good book) without feeling ^&%%$£ next day, we learned faster and felt smarter, and we mostly dreamed we were going to conquer the world in some field, and now we know we mostly haven't, which is a little bit disappointing. Do make the most of those things while you're young! Especially learn all you can: you will learn things all your life, but never so readily again. That's galling.

Yeah true I think. I am quite lucky that I was able to live abroad while I'm young - easier to learn the language and absorb a lot of things (well my comprehension/writing skill is far above my oral due to my personality....and sadly people judge off oral in everyday life :frown: )

But being tired and stressed by something stressful is entirely normal! If you are more of an introvert than an extravert, it's no condition or fault, just a way you are.

Yeah I get INTP result all the time whenever I have the opportunity to take personality test (like career advice stuff)

He goes to uni this weekend and Freshers Week looks like it's all foam parties and clubbing, so he got pretty down. But via TSR he found a facebook group for his uni called something like "hate clubbing, what to do during Freshers" and there's a pizza evening, they're planning movie nights for the whole term, and he's found and started chatting to someone on his engineering course - a girl, from overseas, who doesn't drink at all, so with three strikes against fitting in - you'd think. But they've both found the group who don't want to dress up and drink till they fall over while being deafened, and he has a grin on his face again. Total change. It is all about finding those people, they may not be in your school, but they are out there, and in the not-too-distant future you will be too.

Ohh that sounds amazing! I should find one or even make one in 2 years time

I do think it's a shame that some of the "safeguarding" stuff in schools now means teachers and pupils are often more distant than they were in the past - and adults and teens in general. I can remember socialising quite a bit with teachers in sixth form - lots of coffee and informal, sociable extra study groups, that sort of thing. Some of it still happens, but it feels like less. Nothing wrong with being sociable with a teacher if you and they are both really into the same subject. I think it's called mentoring when people want to approve of it.

In my previous school I used to talk with teachers quite a lot but that was possible because the school was extreeemely small. Here in relatively bigger school I feel the distance a lot. And I'd imagine if a student was close to a teacher some would call them teacher's dog or point at the teacher for favouritism and that probably is why the teacher I talked to a lot almost ignored me during lessons lol


If you can handle the idea that your parents might see your own posts, you should probably introduce them to this site. I think for most of my generation it would be a bit of a revelation.

Oh absolutely not hahaha Well my parents aren't good at English so I don't think they'd be bothered to dig into TSR to find what they are looking for. :P


Ah, that was lengthy. Sorry. But, I want to give you instances of how life can get better, rather than just assurances. 'Cause you're a physicist, and predisposed to want evidence!

Don't be sorry! I'm really glad you posted in this thread and you've been a good help! It wasn't only empty cheer up words but with a bit of "real stuff" involved which is what you wanted to do and what I wanted.
Reply 15
Original post by C0balt
I guess it may be in wrong forum feel free to move.
It's a wall of text but I really need help thank you

So I moved into a new city and a new sixthform recently.

I've been enjoying my subjects and I like my teachers. But one crucial thing is giving me anxiety - that of social life.

I am a girl but I don't seem to blend in with all other girls. I play video games with majority of players being male (and I'm the only girl that plays it at my school). I am the only female FM student, the only aspiring female physicist, I am the only girl member of the robotics club and only member from my Year in the maths club. I am the only person from my country at my school. I don't wear skirts and I wear trousers and shirts with jacket.

Other girls are girls. Normal girls. They wear girly stuff, they talk about clothes, guys, celebrities etc which are not in my topic list.
Obviously I will have a better conversation with guys considering my interests, but it's quite hard to get in the group of bunch of guys.

I've tried to join in the group of new comer girls first few days, but I couldn't follow their conversation and they wouldn't have been able to follow mine. I tried to be a good listener but I would have a headache after a while, and my attention would fade away to an autumn leaf falling.

It's okay in lesson because I can act as a good student focused in the lesson, but in breaks, lunch times or group works...it's just pain.
I got into a habit of going to the library to get my homework done in breaks, eat as fast as possible and go to library again so that I can avoid teachers' eyes and I woldn't make them concerned and tell my parents about it (it would be even worse because my mum is overprotective). Quiet environment is what I love as well...at home also.

But this is quite hard too. My mum would be like "who did you talk to today?" when I get home but I don't know how to answer. Teachers are like "you enjoying yourself so far?" but no it's just pain every break.

It's so much pain trying to join in any group of people, but it's also pain that I have to deal with these "caring" people that aren't actually helping me at all and making things worse and making me feel pathetic - and I guess I am.

I'm starting to think if I have some psychological medical condition or whatever it's called.
I don't know what to do. I was planning to be good friends with any FM girl or robotic/maths club girl before I came here, but found out there is absolutely none.

Don't ask me how I survived last 16 years. Last 3 years I spent was at an extremely small school so everyone kinda had to talk to each other and during breaks 3 of my class mates just stood outside being quiet while the other 3 talked in a foreign language. The other 13 years? Don't even remember....

Please help....

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I think everyone who goes on tsr feels like a loner to an extent otherwise they wouldn't take the time to post etc :smile: I'll be the first to tell you, if we have so many people like this, it is NORMAL! :smile:

Go to university and you will make many friends, I used to feel exactly like you through sixthform , basically ****, they were the worst years of my life i'd say, but I got through it, it only feels like 2 years passed yesterday!

And as for being japanese, I and many others have a crush on you japanse because you all look so amazing (just my preference - the uni japan soc is huge!) :colondollar: So please persevere like I did and you will love uni!

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