My boyfriend had a baby with someone else

I'm 19 and at uni, he's 25 and working. We've been together for a wonderful 6 months. We love each other more than i thought imaginable and we are certain that each other is "the one".
This weekend, he got drunk and revealed to me that when he was 19, he had a one night stand with a girl and has a five year old daughter as a result. He hasn't seen her in years and has tried to contact the mother, but she doesn't let him see her anymore.

I have never been so heartbroken in my life. Most girls would be able to deal with the news that their boyfriend has a baby but this news is causing me so much pain. He always told me that I was the most beautiful girl in the world and he would love me more than anything - I now know this can never be true because one day, he will start seeing his daughter again, and he will think that of her, and I will come second. A little bit of me doesn't want that to happen, but I know it has to because she is his baby, and that little girl is going to need her daddy.

He said he didn't tell me to protect me and he didn't want him having a baby to change how much i loved him or felt about him, but i feel so betrayed that he didn't tell me- I feel like i don't know him anymore.

The pain this is causing me is giving me a constant feeling of nausea, I haven't eaten in days and have constantly been crying because I now know the life i wanted of marriage, babies and maybe living somewhere like Hawaii has changed because at 19, i'm a step-mum and my boyfriend is always going to have to put her first. If i'd have known this at the beginning, I would not have convinced myself that would be the life I was going have.
I have considered leaving him to save more heartache in the future, but I love him too much.

How would you deal with my situation?

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Reply 1

doobucks

He always told me that I was the most beautiful girl in the world and he would love me more than anything - I now know this can never be true because one day, he will start seeing his daughter again, and he will think that of her, and I will come second. A little bit of me doesn't want that to happen, but I know it has to because she is his baby, and that little girl is going to need her daddy.

OP get a grip of yourself. Guy had a baby time ago and you're not even his family. That's his flesh and blood, so you gonna say the same thing if you found out he had a sister or are you just jealous that he was able to have a baby with somebody else before you?

Either way you're being completely ridiculous. If it was the other way round, lady can't see her baby and I found out she had a son I'm not going to cry about it. It happens ffs.

Try telling a girl in their 20s who you want to be in a relationship with that they have a daughter made via a one night stand. She's going to think he's a deadbeat.

(edited 9 years ago)

Reply 2

C_tinie_D

omg grow the **** up... your in a adult relationship it's not the school ground.

P.S. your post sounds incredibly selfish and I think you need to get over yourself

Reply 3

Anonymous #1

Guys it's not the fact he has a baby- I can get over that, you have to understand that that was just a huge shock.....
It's more he didn't tell me so I feel like everything has been a lie? Can anyone relate to me?

Reply 4

doobucks

Original post by Anonymous

Not really.

How do you tell a 19 year old girl who you want to be in a relationship with that you have a daughter? He's probably been deliberating it for a long time and 6 months isn't really such a long amount of time to tell your girlfriend that you have a daughter.

If he said that he had a daughter as soon of before you got into the relationship you'd have thought he was a deadbeat dad so he can't win. If he spent 4 or more years hiding this then you have every right to be annoyed, it's 6 months.

(edited 9 years ago)

Reply 5

SophieSmall

Original post by Anonymous

I can understand the fact he his it from you can be painful and the trust may be hard to build back up, but I'm sure you can understand his reasons (even though still not exactly acceptable) it can be understandable.

You do however have to get over the "I won't come first anymore" as that is an extremely selfish viewpoint and I must say quite childish, anyone will put their child before someone else just as I'm sure you would if you ever have a child, and so would the man you may possibly have a child with, the child will come before you. If you can't deal with that then it's probably best you don't have children or date people with children.

Reply 6

EleanorFrost

Original post by Anonymous

He was probably worried that you were going to react like this. I can't say I blame him, it would put a lot of women off. I don't see how him not telling you makes everything a lie either....He didn't tell you he had a child, but how does that mean his love for you is a lie? Or how does that mean that your relationship is a lie?

But I agree with everyone one else; you seem to be handling this in a very childish way.

(edited 9 years ago)

Reply 7

MrMango

Original post by Anonymous

This is why adults shouldn't date children.

Posted from TSR Mobile

Reply 8

Kaiju

Nah, I totally feel like he should have said sooner.

Yeah, it might have affected how she saw him, but that's the point isn't it? She's not at fault because he went out and made a kid, yo.

Edit: If he hasn't seen her in years though he probably needs to accept it's not happening.

(edited 9 years ago)

Reply 9

Domestrella

You are having a bit of a soap opera reaction, in my view. There is nothing to stop you having all the things you want in life with him. Millions of other people do so. Unless one or more of the adults are vindictive or immature in dealing with the children, there aren't normally big issues.

Reply 10

PinkMobilePhone

Volunteer Team

Agree with everyone else here. You're jealous of a five year old girl? Grow up.

Reply 11

llys

It really doesn't matter, because you probably won't be together in five years anyway (you are only 19). Just make sure you don't get pregnant, it sounds like that will be up to you...

Reply 12

llys

Original post by PinkMobilePhone

Agree with everyone else here. You're jealous of a five year old girl? Grow up.

Also, this.

Reply 13

Kaiju

I don't think the people posting that you're being childish grasp the shock something like this could have on you @OP

They're mostly reacting to the part where you said you didn't want to come second to his daughter - which imo is a bs thing to say, but I understand the sentiment.

You're right to be upset, imo. Not because of coming second, but because you've essentially been allowed to create a mental picture on the basis of information that later turned out to be false, I.e. him not having children.

Reply 14

Anonymous #1

Original post by Kaiju

Thank you for your understanding, i really appreciate it.
The last part of what you said is totally right, I created a mental picture and became wrapped up in it and it is being initially hard to accept that it's gone.

And for everyone who thinks I'm selfish and childish, I don't disagree with you for a second. I know that.
I don't want to come first , please, that's not what I'm saying! Of course a child should come first and that's how it always should be. I just thought I did because that's what he would always say, and it's just going to take a week or so to accept that I have to share him haha. And once I get over the shock and start accepting, I can start acting like an "adult".

Reply 15

Rum Ham

I think its natural to feel a whole range of emotions after hearing something like that, especially when you got told it out the blue. If you knew from day one then that would be different. Tbh, I reckon I would be feeling how you are feeling, maybe even just at first. It is shocking and you thought you knew the person and their background but as it sinks in, you will become more accustomed with it and accept it.

Posted from TSR Mobile

Reply 16

DeadGirlsDance

Wow. That would be horrible to hear and I wouldn't feel great about being mislead at all. Should definitely have told you sooner since you were together for 6 months. Bit worrying that he told you when he was drunk... You should ask him when he would have told you otherwise.

I wouldn't be able to cope with a boyfriend already having a child. I think it would just put me off straight away. And the thought of him seeing the woman he shagged a few years ago all the time when he eventually starts seeing his daughter.

Don't make any decisions too quickly though and think about whether you would be able to deal with it. If the first 6 months were amazing, there's no reason why your future together can't be just as good if you can get over this :smile:

Reply 17

WeedCanKill

Wow, the princess complex is strong in this one.

What you going to do, stamp your feet and give him the silent treatment because he got a girl pregnant FIVE YEARS AGO?

Plz

Reply 18

DorianGrayism

Original post by Anonymous

Yeh, the shock is normal especially if he hasn't told you in 6 months. He should have probably said it very soon.

Anyway, it was a stupid mistake that he made when he was young. He probably didn't want to tell you incase it messed things up with you.

Having said all of that....you should encourage him to contact his daughter and be a good father even if that means using the family court system.

(edited 9 years ago)

Reply 19

asdfghjkl1234567

Original post by Anonymous

No offence meant but you sound like you feel you're being replaced as a daughter. Having a child will not affect your relationship with him, you are his girlfriend and (unless you let this separate you) nothing will change that.

Maybe he should have told you sooner, as it's come as a huge shock after 6 months, but in no way did he lie to you.
6 months is the point where most couples would call it a more serious relationship. By telling you, he's clearly committed and wants to be with you in the long run - he can't exactly go up to every girl he meets and say, 'Hi, my name's ..... and I have a daughter with another woman'. It probably would have been better for him to tell you at the start of your relationship but it would have been pretty scary for him - in fact, for him to have to be drunk he probably knew you'd react like this.

I know it's a huge shock but I really don't think this is something to break up over. He's not seeing his daughter at the moment and if he ever does, well that's something you're going to have to accept. Imagine being 5 years old and seeing your dad's new girlfriend being hostile towards you because she's not the favourite any more. Yes, your boyfriend will no longer have his first child with you, but nothing can change that. It doesn't stop you from getting married and having children or anything else that you wanted to do.
I understand this is not the ideal situation but it really doesn't change anything - it sounds like your boyfriend really loves you. No-one's asking you to jump for joy but the ball's completely in your court here - you can break up with him or carry on living exactly the same happy life as before.