Mother's hoarding is ruining our lives..and she's so cruel in arguments

My Mum and I generally get on okay most of the time - our main arguments seem to be about politics (I'm a leftie, she's a UKIP/BNP-lover, who is blatantly racist, throws the 'p' word around like it's nothing and then shouts me down for calling her a racist *ahem*) Anyway, that aside, when we're not talking about anything political we are generally fine. But when we have an argument she turns into a complete monster. She had an argument with my Dad today because he moved some old board games into a box to take to storage and she had a fit over it, claiming he'd lost some felt tip pens and then planted them in a different area so as to look like it was her that had got it wrong. Given that I thought this was unbelievably trivial, I sided with my Dad on the issue. Now - although she won't accept it - we all believe that she is a hoarder. A chronic one really. She keeps newspapers/magazines that are ten years old; stuff that we get through the post etc. Our house was beautiful when we moved in but she's trashed it with all her junk. She goes crazy if anything of hers, no matter how trivial, is moved. She complains that no one ever helps her, but whenever we do she goes crazy if things aren't done under her supervision. I can't even let my friends in when they call around because my Mum's so embarrassed by the mess; we haven't had our grandparents around in nearly 8 years and they never have friends or family around themselves.

Today, for siding with my Dad she screamed in my face and called me an 'ungrateful bitch.' I honestly feel like I hate her right now. She knows how much I detest that word and I've never called her that to her face. I ended up crying a lot because I'm a wimp. I then said to her, "Do you really think I'm a bitch?" and she essentially said yes. Her reason I'm an ungrateful 'bitch' apparently is because I don't help enough around the house - especially near Christmas. But see my above reasoning - whenever I do help I get complained at. I'm also studying full-time and have an ongoing illness, so I'm not exactly bounding with energy. Neither is she bounding with energy - she has SAD and a reversed sleep pattern (which is partly her fault, she stays up watching soaps and the news even when she's tired.) But I still feel the way she's treating me is extremely unfair. I think I'm generally a kind person and do my best for people.

So the things I'm wondering:

How to convince someone who is as stubborn/deluded as her that they have a problem when it comes to hoarding?
Even if she apologises, should I forgive her. Whenever she does apologise, I do, but I'm seriously considering taking a stand and just telling her to piss off. I'm sick of being insulted for no legitimate reason and the insults and level of anger get worse and worse every time. On the one hand, I don't want to ruin my relationship with her which is fine 90% of the time, but I'm also sick to the bone of dealing with her acting like a three-year-old/her over the top anger and her general heartlessness in arguments.

I'm leaving for uni next year so thank god I'm getting away - but in the meantime, just don't know what to do. I've never met anyone so stubborn and yet she doesn't even see herself as stubborn.

Reply 1

Maker

Hoarding is a sign of mental illness, she needs to get medical treatment.

Reply 2

treetrunks

Sounds like she actually has a genuine problem and needs to see a doctor. It's probably going to be hard to get her to admit though, if she's stubborn.

Reply 3

TheGrinningSkull

Not contradicting the above, but maybe a different take on the situation. As the above won't necessarily help in the short term and not if it's brought up in an argumentative way.

Try being more patient with the situation, for example not having the last word, when arguing back, make your point, but leave it at that, and don't hold things over your mum, let things slide and let them go. And if you do want to make a comment about something, do it after the heat of the moment, raise your concern later and say why you have them, but don't let it get to the stage of being a shouting argument.

(edited 9 years ago)

Reply 4

Anonymous #1

Original post by TheGrinningSkull

Thanks - I don't disagree with you. I guess my main upset is related to her nasty, spiteful comments towards me though. I understand, on the one hand, that letting it slide is the best thing. But her calling me a bitch when I don't think I am (not saying I'm an angel, but compared to a lot of teenagers/20-somethings, I've never caused her much grief) is so hurtful. How can I get her to see how much she's hurting me with these comments without turning it into an argument?

Reply 5

treetrunks

Original post by Anonymous

You probably can't, if your mum is anything like mine (sounds like she is). The best way is to just not say anything when she makes racist comments etc. I know it's hard as it's something you believe very strongly to be wrong (and rightly so) but people like that just won't change their opinion so there's really no use trying, especially when you have to live with them.

Reply 6

TheGrinningSkull

Original post by Anonymous

I see what you mean, it's a difficult situation I'm sure, and I wish you all the best in getting through, :smile:

Perhaps with your patience your mum might feel guilt in her treatment.

Reply 7

Anonymous #2

Original post by Anonymous

My mum was exactly like that. (Mental Illnesses). She affected me a lot growing up really, but I learnt to live with it and became socially inept because of it, and suffered with incredible low self esteem. Don't let her get to you, and my advice would be to stand up to her. I stood up to my mum properly once, and for months she left me alone then. It'll seem scary at the time but do it, it'll be worth it.