Why the earth is doomed - English Coursework

This is an opinion article i wrote on celebrities. If possible cold you say how you found it and how i can improve?

Why the earth is doomed?
Curious headlines hit the news today. Bieber arrested for drunk driving. Miley takes nude selfie. Jennifer trips on stairs. These statements are second nature to the news. Now let’s compare this to the headlines of yesterday. Blue LED is discovered. This doesn’t seem like a big deal. But it is! Without this we wouldn’t have technology that the world needs to survive. But out of the public, no one recognises this heroic achievement. But I guarantee that every person will know that Dustbin Beaver was arrested. Who am I talking about I hear you ask? If you have an IQ above the average beleiber, (which is 99.9% of the world) then I am sure you will know who, cough, what I am talking about. Celebrities, of course.
People say that celebrities are real role models, that all celebrities have done something fundamental to society. Even more bizarre ideas I have heard is that celebrities don’t abuse the influence that they have & use it for places of needs e.g. Feminist rights and world hunger. These same people also say that pigs are comforting animals and unicorns are being used to move the leprechaun’s pot of gold from one end of the rainbow to the other. I know that pigs are soothing, who doesn’t enjoy a bacon sandwich with a cuppa. But the rest of these are as true as Santa or the tooth fairy. Young children will imagine them to be like gold. Perfect .Well, here is what it is really like…
When the word hero pops in your mind, what do you think of first? Someone with great courage and bravery. I sure do! I remember the good old days when we had real role models to look up to, people who’d actually achieved something the like of Schindler or Mother Teresa, or even Freddy Mercury(If you ignore the drugs, scandals, etc.)! But the role models if the generation of the 21st century are all celebrities, who achieved nothing, except having a bigger wallet than the giant form ‘Jack and the beanstalk. What kind of example is this? Strut around on a stage, act like an idiot, and you’ll be rich enough to afford a mansion and be popular. What kind of message does this send to the younger generation of Great Britain or needless to say, the whole world. It is what some might refer to as 'the good life'. Why must a 'good life' be full of booze, going to jail and making a substandard statement?
I’m disappointed, I live in a time where people earn from shaking their booty I mean my goldfish has done the same amount of work as Kim Kardashian. Floating around, flashing their body.
There are many “role models” for girls today who perhaps aren’t doing such a great job. I can imagine a 10-year-old, and many others, wanting to decorate her school binder with pictures and searching for her in Google Images. Terrifying but true: the very first picture that comes up is of this star in her underwear. This isn’t just one bad egg in the carton; in the next one she’s actually nude though thankfully blacked out in the appropriate (or should I say ¬inappropriate) areas, and multiple pictures follow of the same variety. How would you like it when you find your sister or your daughter looking at the same photos? I’m sure you will agree with me… disgusted.
But it’s not just these stars that are setting bad examples. Disney released “High School Musical” underwear for little girls with the words “Dive In” printed on the front. There is no way Disney could manufacture those without someone saying, “Hey, maybe people won’t think we mean dive into the swimming pool …” I think Walt just flipped over in his grave.
Her eyes are enormous. She looks like a startled bird; albeit a bird with the gorgeous, flowing locks of Rapunzel, the high-pitched giggle of Tinkerbell, and a name so irritatingly Disney-fied it makes my stomach churn: Zoella. Zoe (sorry, Zoella sticks in my throat, thus onto my keyboard) is a beauty and fashion vlogger – the latest creation spat out by the YouTube machine to instruct young girls how to paint on the perfect smoky eye or red lip. I recently talked to the sensation, only to find out what a hypocrite she is. “When you’re younger you worry about so many things that you don’t need to worry about like image, appearance,” she coos to my face, without an ounce of irony in her singsong voice, as though unaware that she’s forged an entire career by prattling on to young girls about how to look good.

In other news scientists have discovered a disease worse than tuberculosis, HIV or AIDs. Its symptoms are a 90% reduce in intelligence and an unhealthy attraction to mop heads. It has been named Bieber Fever.
People no longer simply aspire to be famous. They aspire to be hated. "Authorised media hate figure" is now a valid career. Which brings me to the curious sensation I mentioned at the start. I realized that maybe we need these people. Maybe we're all so angry and disappointed and bewildered, we need a free bunch of people to look down on and despise: they're a handy vessel. This is a noble public duty they're carrying out. They're our stress balls. Our punch bags. Our, how would you put it nicely, bananas! If it wasn't for Justin Bieber, Zoella, Miley Cyrus and countless others like them, you'd be killing your neighbours with your bare hands.
By Hasan Imtiaz

Well if this is meant to be a piece of persuasive writing, the main criticism I'd have (apart from some grammatical errors and a few clumsy sentences) is that there's too much hyperbole. The basic point you're making is good, but you've exaggerated it to the point where it's difficult to agree with even as someone on your side. The most obvious example is where you claim that being a fan of Justin Bieber is worse than diseases that are killing millions of people which is just plain offensive. Another problem is the typo - the pedant in me is screaming that this has nothing to do with the Earth, so your argument isn't at all relevant to the title. So I'd try to tone down your argument a bit and try to appeal to reason and rationality rather than simply trying to insult your opposition as much as possible. The purpose of persuasive writing is to persuade people - do you genuinely think that a fan of Justin Bieber or Kim Kardashian is going to denounce their passion after reading this? No, they'll probably run to their idol's defence and this will solidify their conviction that they're not being 'understood' or something. Another small criticism is that I'm not entirely sure it's fair comparing Zoella to Justin Bieber and Miley Cyrus. Don't get me wrong, I'm not a fan by any stretch of the imagination but I wouldn't call her a bad role model. She's a new type of celebrity but at least she's done some good things like discussing mental health and what she's doing is very innocent. That's not to say that there's nothing wrong with her and the culture she represents, but it's a minor evil in the context of this discussion.

It is not made to persuade but to humour
Alright so i should take out zoella change the title, but what are the grammatical errors and clumsy sentences.

Well I wouldn't call this humouring, it's more like mocking.

There are lots of examples, things like "I’m disappointed, I live in a time where people earn from shaking their booty I mean my goldfish has done the same amount of work as Kim Kardashian. Floating around, flashing their body." That entire line doesn't make a huge amount of sense.

Thanks, and finally what would be a better title for it

Try to come up with something that is relevant but still dramatic. I'm not very good at being dramatic so I'm not the best person to ask! Something like "The Curse of Celebrity Culture"?

Well I wouldn't call this humouring, it's more like mocking.

There are lots of examples, things like "I’m disappointed, I live in a time where people earn from shaking their booty I mean my goldfish has done the same amount of work as Kim Kardashian. Floating around, flashing their body." That entire line doesn't make a huge amount of sense.