Advice on splitting up with my boyfriend of five years...
Basically, I'm 19, he is 20 and I've recently moved to university 25 miles away from where I live. He never went to uni, he stayed behind in my home town. Due to family problems, he officially moved in with me and my mum at our house, and is still there even while I'm over here. I'm thinking of splitting up with him, I am not allowed to have any friends who are guys, even be in pictures with them, I have to text him all day, every day, he constantly asks me questions about my flatmates, we always argue when I go on a night out, he tells me I dress slutty, and that I look single from the pictures I take with my girlfriends, while he is careful not to make his comments too direct, he makes it clear he doesn't like me wearing skirts or dresses at all, especially in the day time, even with tights.. the list could go on.
My problem is that despite the fact I know I should leave him, I can't help feeling selfish. We would have to get rid of our dog as there is nobody to look after it, both my boyfriend and mum work full time and he is still a very mischievous puppy who needs care, my boyfriend would have to find a new place to live, I get on so well with his family. I'm just scared I suppose, I've never done this before, I don't know what to expect, how to do it or what to say. I don't want to regret it in 6m time, but at the same time I know that if it is a mistake, its a mistake I have to make, or I will resent him and regret it anyway. I know if I wasn't at university, we, well I, would be more inclined to make it work, but the fact is I am at uni, only in my 1st year, and I can't live here for 3 months unhappy, because I know when I get back home say for christmas, everything will be slightly better. I guess I just need experiences, or advice/opinions. Thank you in advance, and for reading my slight rant!
My problem is that despite the fact I know I should leave him, I can't help feeling selfish. We would have to get rid of our dog as there is nobody to look after it, both my boyfriend and mum work full time and he is still a very mischievous puppy who needs care, my boyfriend would have to find a new place to live, I get on so well with his family. I'm just scared I suppose, I've never done this before, I don't know what to expect, how to do it or what to say. I don't want to regret it in 6m time, but at the same time I know that if it is a mistake, its a mistake I have to make, or I will resent him and regret it anyway. I know if I wasn't at university, we, well I, would be more inclined to make it work, but the fact is I am at uni, only in my 1st year, and I can't live here for 3 months unhappy, because I know when I get back home say for christmas, everything will be slightly better. I guess I just need experiences, or advice/opinions. Thank you in advance, and for reading my slight rant!
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Biiiiin 'im luv!
wow what a dick, dump him, he can't control you and you shouldn't let him
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Original post by Shannon1329
Basically, I'm 19, he is 20 and I've recently moved to university 25 miles away from where I live. He never went to uni, he stayed behind in my home town. Due to family problems, he officially moved in with me and my mum at our house, and is still there even while I'm over here. I'm thinking of splitting up with him, I am not allowed to have any friends who are guys, even be in pictures with them, I have to text him all day, every day, he constantly asks me questions about my flatmates, we always argue when I go on a night out, he tells me I dress slutty, and that I look single from the pictures I take with my girlfriends, while he is careful not to make his comments too direct, he makes it clear he doesn't like me wearing skirts or dresses at all, especially in the day time, even with tights.. the list could go on.
Well to put it bluntly, he sounds like a pathetic little **** who seems to think that you're nothing more than his property and the sooner you get rid of him the better.
Original post by Shannon1329
Basically, I'm 19, he is 20 and I've recently moved to university 25 miles away from where I live. He never went to uni, he stayed behind in my home town. Due to family problems, he officially moved in with me and my mum at our house, and is still there even while I'm over here. I'm thinking of splitting up with him, I am not allowed to have any friends who are guys, even be in pictures with them, I have to text him all day, every day, he constantly asks me questions about my flatmates, we always argue when I go on a night out, he tells me I dress slutty, and that I look single from the pictures I take with my girlfriends, while he is careful not to make his comments too direct, he makes it clear he doesn't like me wearing skirts or dresses at all, especially in the day time, even with tights.. the list could go on.
My problem is that despite the fact I know I should leave him, I can't help feeling selfish. We would have to get rid of our dog as there is nobody to look after it, both my boyfriend and mum work full time and he is still a very mischievous puppy who needs care, my boyfriend would have to find a new place to live, I get on so well with his family. I'm just scared I suppose, I've never done this before, I don't know what to expect, how to do it or what to say. I don't want to regret it in 6m time, but at the same time I know that if it is a mistake, its a mistake I have to make, or I will resent him and regret it anyway. I know if I wasn't at university, we, well I, would be more inclined to make it work, but the fact is I am at uni, only in my 1st year, and I can't live here for 3 months unhappy, because I know when I get back home say for christmas, everything will be slightly better. I guess I just need experiences, or advice/opinions. Thank you in advance, and for reading my slight rant!
My problem is that despite the fact I know I should leave him, I can't help feeling selfish. We would have to get rid of our dog as there is nobody to look after it, both my boyfriend and mum work full time and he is still a very mischievous puppy who needs care, my boyfriend would have to find a new place to live, I get on so well with his family. I'm just scared I suppose, I've never done this before, I don't know what to expect, how to do it or what to say. I don't want to regret it in 6m time, but at the same time I know that if it is a mistake, its a mistake I have to make, or I will resent him and regret it anyway. I know if I wasn't at university, we, well I, would be more inclined to make it work, but the fact is I am at uni, only in my 1st year, and I can't live here for 3 months unhappy, because I know when I get back home say for christmas, everything will be slightly better. I guess I just need experiences, or advice/opinions. Thank you in advance, and for reading my slight rant!
Just be brutally honest and tell him it's not working.
You won't regret it. You just slap him in the face that you are done with him. It is the university, and you are going to have a fresh relationship better than what you have with this guy. Be strong, and face him with the truth.
I think breaking up is probably your best option, you might feel selfish but in the long run you have to do what is best for yourself and staying with him doesn't appear to be what is best for you.
Original post by Shannon1329
He officially moved in with me and my mum at our house, and is still there even while I'm over here.
QUOTE]
You should dump him because he seems like he is controlling and obsessive. Now your at uni you basically have to be cautious of who you hang out with or talk to and that's not good for you when socialising and meeting new people. The best idea is to break up with him which is a good thing for him as well because he'll learn to grow up and do things for himself e.g. find his own house
I think you've made up your mind but just scared to do it because you've been together for so long.
When you get back to uni, dump him and tell him he needs to move out. The dog will survive
Your other option is to let him control you so you'll never be happy. Do you really want that?
You're not being selfish, you're being a 19 year old girl who should have fun and not be held back by a grumpy dude
When you get back to uni, dump him and tell him he needs to move out. The dog will survive
Your other option is to let him control you so you'll never be happy. Do you really want that?
You're not being selfish, you're being a 19 year old girl who should have fun and not be held back by a grumpy dude
Whether you've been with him for 5 years or for 1, be honest. He deserves to know the truth. However, it is true that he shouldn't be telling you what to wear or bring you down in that way! Also, you can't baby him or feel bad about kicking him out of the house, he needs to grow up and find a place of his own and be more independent. Tbh he sounds more like a child than a grown adult. hope this helps
It's all right everyone saying, oh get rid, he's a dick and all the rest of it but you have to understand that she is in love with him. It's not going to be easy splitting up with him especially after pretty much living with him and being with him for five years.
I believe personally the best bet would be to end your relationship and enjoy your time at University while you can, you don't want to spend 3 years not enjoying yourself and find that once you've left uni you end up moving away or splitting up with him knowing in hindsight that you could have had a good time after all. It will be hard moving on and you will be constantly thinking about him but just remember time does heal and thinks will get better, perhaps you should speak to your mum and friends for advice.
I believe personally the best bet would be to end your relationship and enjoy your time at University while you can, you don't want to spend 3 years not enjoying yourself and find that once you've left uni you end up moving away or splitting up with him knowing in hindsight that you could have had a good time after all. It will be hard moving on and you will be constantly thinking about him but just remember time does heal and thinks will get better, perhaps you should speak to your mum and friends for advice.
how have you let it last 5 years?
Original post by Shannon1329
Basically, I'm 19, he is 20 and I've recently moved to university 25 miles away from where I live. He never went to uni, he stayed behind in my home town. Due to family problems, he officially moved in with me and my mum at our house, and is still there even while I'm over here. I'm thinking of splitting up with him, I am not allowed to have any friends who are guys, even be in pictures with them, I have to text him all day, every day, he constantly asks me questions about my flatmates, we always argue when I go on a night out, he tells me I dress slutty, and that I look single from the pictures I take with my girlfriends, while he is careful not to make his comments too direct, he makes it clear he doesn't like me wearing skirts or dresses at all, especially in the day time, even with tights.. the list could go on.
He sounds incredibly controlling.
Put yourself and your happiness first. Don't worry about the dog or where he'll live, in this situation I think you have every right to be "selfish"
very very similar to a previous relationship i had... unhappy for ages... eventually it really kicked off one night and that was it... it was like the greatest weight in the world had been lifted off me... you wont regret it OP. looking back i cant imagine how i lasted every day... you have to be brave and just say it...
He's probably being controlling because he's frightened of losing you. Not that that makes it okay by any stretch.
If I were you, I would end the relationship. I broke up with my boyfriend of seven years not long after I started my first degree. He wasn't nearly as controlling as your boyfriend (he got jealous if I was in photos with other men, but didn't try to tell me what to wear or anything), but otherwise it was a pretty similar story - long-term relationship, he'd moved in with my family due to problems with his own parents (though he'd moved into his own place by the time I went to university), he stayed at home when I moved away.
It's hard because you have a lot of history after being together that long, but it's a bad idea to keep up a relationship simply because breaking up would be difficult. I felt extremely guilty for quite a long time afterwards, but in hindsight it was absolutely the best decision I could have made, to end it then. We even managed to rebuild a friendship several years later, and are still good friends now.. though you do need a good period of time apart before that has any chance of working.
Good luck, whatever you decide to do.
If I were you, I would end the relationship. I broke up with my boyfriend of seven years not long after I started my first degree. He wasn't nearly as controlling as your boyfriend (he got jealous if I was in photos with other men, but didn't try to tell me what to wear or anything), but otherwise it was a pretty similar story - long-term relationship, he'd moved in with my family due to problems with his own parents (though he'd moved into his own place by the time I went to university), he stayed at home when I moved away.
It's hard because you have a lot of history after being together that long, but it's a bad idea to keep up a relationship simply because breaking up would be difficult. I felt extremely guilty for quite a long time afterwards, but in hindsight it was absolutely the best decision I could have made, to end it then. We even managed to rebuild a friendship several years later, and are still good friends now.. though you do need a good period of time apart before that has any chance of working.
Good luck, whatever you decide to do.
Definitely get rid. What a controlling nightmare.
Original post by Anonymous
It's all right everyone saying, oh get rid, he's a dick and all the rest of it but you have to understand that she is in love with him. It's not going to be easy splitting up with him especially after pretty much living with him and being with him for five years.
I believe personally the best bet would be to end your relationship and enjoy your time at University while you can, you don't want to spend 3 years not enjoying yourself and find that once you've left uni you end up moving away or splitting up with him knowing in hindsight that you could have had a good time after all. It will be hard moving on and you will be constantly thinking about him but just remember time does heal and thinks will get better, perhaps you should speak to your mum and friends for advice.
I believe personally the best bet would be to end your relationship and enjoy your time at University while you can, you don't want to spend 3 years not enjoying yourself and find that once you've left uni you end up moving away or splitting up with him knowing in hindsight that you could have had a good time after all. It will be hard moving on and you will be constantly thinking about him but just remember time does heal and thinks will get better, perhaps you should speak to your mum and friends for advice.
Haha yeah, she sure sounds in love with the control-freak.
OP, just dump him, either in person or if you really can't summon the courage, do it when you're back at uni. Tell your mum it's over with him to in that instance. As said the dog will survive.
You're pretty much in a LDR for much of your year now and it sounds like your lives are diverging.
You say it yourself you;re just going to grow and resent the fact you can't socialize and explore other 'opportunities' and generally 'find yourself' while he acts as an anchor holding you back to a life you no longer want or find any value in.
basically, best of luck whatever you do, don't feel you owe him, when a relationship is no longer fit for purpose it's no longer fit, clinging to it will jsut make you miserable for little gain for him or you.
If youve let him control you all this time, liklihood is that you are jut submissive in situations lkke this. I think you will regret it and you will find you go for guys whom are more inclined to controlkig ways in a relationship. I felt like this before I left my ex whom I had been with for a similar amount of time. However my current boyfriend is exactly the way my ex was, he's jut not physically aggressive. I think you ahiuld talk to him about how yiu feel and ask him to make changes in his actions but personally I would say dont leave, it says a lot about how you are in a rslationship by the way that he is and it also shows the personality traits that uou look for in a partner because of the amount of time you have been together. You have to remember he's also having to deal with you not being around as often and being around other guys, this is going to scar him for a while as you have only just started uni. Its gone from him bejng a constant in your life to not even being able too see you often now, its going to bring up intense emotions in him and I think that is what this is. I think it woll subside the more he learns to trust you whilst you are at uni. Give it a bit more time. 
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