Well apparently I'm a potential rapist, so that's good...
Ok, now this probably doesn't really fit this section of the forum, but I needed somewhere I could post anonymously. This is also a bit of a rant so I apologise in advance for that.
First things first, I was sexually abused when I was younger, from the age of about 5 until I was 12 and my parents split up and my dad moved to another part of the country. Not a single person knew that this was happening, and even to this day nobody close to me knows that anything ever happened.
Well recently (8 years after it all stopped) I'd been under a huge amount of stress and found myself on a number of occasions waking up in the middle of the night having had a nightmare about everything that happened to me and feeling like I was having a panic attack, and so I decided I'd seek help.
Well one appointment with my GP later I was referred to see an NHS counsellor who told me that there was a support group at my University for victims of sexual assault and that it might be worth me going along, and so I followed her advice.
So a couple of days ago I went along, and within 2 minutes of walking through the door I'd had the following said to me:
How exactly is it right to say any of that to somebody who has simply come along to the group looking for some help? I know that more women are sexually abused by men but the way that this vile crowd were talking you'd think that it only ever happens to women, that it doesn't count if the man is the victim.
How can that kind of behaviour be even vaguely acceptable? If a group of men started hurling that kind of abuse at a woman, saying that her abuse didn't count or that she deserved it, then there would be an outrage over it, but because it's the other way around it's apparently fine?
Anyway, I don't really know how to end this, because I don't really have an end point, I just needed to vent a bit.
First things first, I was sexually abused when I was younger, from the age of about 5 until I was 12 and my parents split up and my dad moved to another part of the country. Not a single person knew that this was happening, and even to this day nobody close to me knows that anything ever happened.
Well recently (8 years after it all stopped) I'd been under a huge amount of stress and found myself on a number of occasions waking up in the middle of the night having had a nightmare about everything that happened to me and feeling like I was having a panic attack, and so I decided I'd seek help.
Well one appointment with my GP later I was referred to see an NHS counsellor who told me that there was a support group at my University for victims of sexual assault and that it might be worth me going along, and so I followed her advice.
So a couple of days ago I went along, and within 2 minutes of walking through the door I'd had the following said to me:
•
You're a rapist waiting to happen, like all men.
•
Just here to look for easy victims are you?
•
You deserved it. Think of it as payment for what men have done to us.
•
It probably wasn't that serious anyway, I bet you're just overreacting.
How exactly is it right to say any of that to somebody who has simply come along to the group looking for some help? I know that more women are sexually abused by men but the way that this vile crowd were talking you'd think that it only ever happens to women, that it doesn't count if the man is the victim.
How can that kind of behaviour be even vaguely acceptable? If a group of men started hurling that kind of abuse at a woman, saying that her abuse didn't count or that she deserved it, then there would be an outrage over it, but because it's the other way around it's apparently fine?
Anyway, I don't really know how to end this, because I don't really have an end point, I just needed to vent a bit.
Scroll to see replies
Well that sucks. Very unfortunate for you. However, I can't say that it's surprising. These things are going to be full of angry people - and that's what angry people do.
The only thing I can recommend is going back to your NHS counsellor and telling them what happened and not to recommend anyone else. Then asking if they can recommend you a proper support group. If you are cross with the group - make a complaint to the Union - but that will probably do you more harm than good.
The only thing I can recommend is going back to your NHS counsellor and telling them what happened and not to recommend anyone else. Then asking if they can recommend you a proper support group. If you are cross with the group - make a complaint to the Union - but that will probably do you more harm than good.
I'm sorry that happened to you 
It's absolutely disgusting for them to say those things.
If I were you I'd go straight to the union to report the group, or they'll just keep saying those things to other people who really need help.
It's absolutely disgusting for them to say those things.
If I were you I'd go straight to the union to report the group, or they'll just keep saying those things to other people who really need help.
Original post by Helen Mutter
I'm sorry that happened to you
It's absolutely disgusting for them to say those things.
If I were you I'd go straight to the union to report the group, or they'll just keep saying those things to other people who really need help.
It's absolutely disgusting for them to say those things.
If I were you I'd go straight to the union to report the group, or they'll just keep saying those things to other people who really need help.
Like I said - if that's what he wants - but I don't see a happy ending in that. All I can see is an enormous backlash against him. He will be "the man that got the women's support group closed down".
Original post by Clip
Like I said - if that's what he wants - but I don't see a happy ending in that. All I can see is an enormous backlash against him. He will be "the man that got the women's support group closed down".
But it's not the "women's support group". Nowhere in any of the information does it say that it is for women, it is simply a group for victims of abuse, and it specifically says that it is open to anybody regardless of gender.
Original post by Anonymous
Ok, now this probably doesn't really fit this section of the forum, but I needed somewhere I could post anonymously. This is also a bit of a rant so I apologise in advance for that.
First things first, I was sexually abused when I was younger, from the age of about 5 until I was 12 and my parents split up and my dad moved to another part of the country. Not a single person knew that this was happening, and even to this day nobody close to me knows that anything ever happened.
Well recently (8 years after it all stopped) I'd been under a huge amount of stress and found myself on a number of occasions waking up in the middle of the night having had a nightmare about everything that happened to me and feeling like I was having a panic attack, and so I decided I'd seek help.
Well one appointment with my GP later I was referred to see an NHS counsellor who told me that there was a support group at my University for victims of sexual assault and that it might be worth me going along, and so I followed her advice.
So a couple of days ago I went along, and within 2 minutes of walking through the door I'd had the following said to me:
How exactly is it right to say any of that to somebody who has simply come along to the group looking for some help? I know that more women are sexually abused by men but the way that this vile crowd were talking you'd think that it only ever happens to women, that it doesn't count if the man is the victim.
How can that kind of behaviour be even vaguely acceptable? If a group of men started hurling that kind of abuse at a woman, saying that her abuse didn't count or that she deserved it, then there would be an outrage over it, but because it's the other way around it's apparently fine?
Anyway, I don't really know how to end this, because I don't really have an end point, I just needed to vent a bit.
First things first, I was sexually abused when I was younger, from the age of about 5 until I was 12 and my parents split up and my dad moved to another part of the country. Not a single person knew that this was happening, and even to this day nobody close to me knows that anything ever happened.
Well recently (8 years after it all stopped) I'd been under a huge amount of stress and found myself on a number of occasions waking up in the middle of the night having had a nightmare about everything that happened to me and feeling like I was having a panic attack, and so I decided I'd seek help.
Well one appointment with my GP later I was referred to see an NHS counsellor who told me that there was a support group at my University for victims of sexual assault and that it might be worth me going along, and so I followed her advice.
So a couple of days ago I went along, and within 2 minutes of walking through the door I'd had the following said to me:
•
You're a rapist waiting to happen, like all men.
•
Just here to look for easy victims are you?
•
You deserved it. Think of it as payment for what men have done to us.
•
It probably wasn't that serious anyway, I bet you're just overreacting.
How exactly is it right to say any of that to somebody who has simply come along to the group looking for some help? I know that more women are sexually abused by men but the way that this vile crowd were talking you'd think that it only ever happens to women, that it doesn't count if the man is the victim.
How can that kind of behaviour be even vaguely acceptable? If a group of men started hurling that kind of abuse at a woman, saying that her abuse didn't count or that she deserved it, then there would be an outrage over it, but because it's the other way around it's apparently fine?
Anyway, I don't really know how to end this, because I don't really have an end point, I just needed to vent a bit.
That is completely unacceptable. Do not go back. Report this idiot to your university - they obviously have no clue what their talking about or how to approach an issue like that with sensitivity. Please find counselling elsewhere, it will be more beneficial than from a person who clearly has no idea.
Original post by Clip
Like I said - if that's what he wants - but I don't see a happy ending in that. All I can see is an enormous backlash against him. He will be "the man that got the women's support group closed down".
Plus quite frankly, in my opinion, if they behave like that every time anybody who happens to be male turns up then they bloody well deserve to be shut down. If you're going to deny help to people purely because of their gender then you don't deserve any damn help yourself.
Original post by JackBlack
That is completely unacceptable. Do not go back. Report this idiot to your university - they obviously have no clue what their talking about or how to approach an issue like that with sensitivity. Please find counselling elsewhere, it will be more beneficial than from a person who clearly has no idea.
The comments were all from other members of the group, not the counsellor. To her credit she did try and intervene but once the banshees had gotten into their stride then there was nothing she could do to stop them.
Original post by Anonymous
The comments were all from other members of the group, not the counsellor. To her credit she did try and intervene but once the banshees had gotten into their stride then there was nothing she could do to stop them.
I see. Well its still not right. People are so judgemental. Maybe it would be better to go to a one on one session instead then?
Original post by Clip
Like I said - if that's what he wants - but I don't see a happy ending in that. All I can see is an enormous backlash against him. He will be "the man that got the women's support group closed down".
He doesn't necessarily have to get it shut.down. However of the University, Union and GP practice are recommending this particular group as a place to go for vulnerable people they have a responsibility to make sire that the group is doing that. All that needs to happen is that this group is no longer legitimised by those organisations.
If that means the group can no longer find funding that really isn't the fault of the OP.
Original post by Anonymous
The comments were all from other members of the group, not the counsellor. To her credit she did try and intervene but once the banshees had gotten into their stride then there was nothing she could do to stop them.
How many of them were saying it?
Original post by Clip
Like I said - if that's what he wants - but I don't see a happy ending in that. All I can see is an enormous backlash against him. He will be "the man that got the women's support group closed down".
It's not a women's support group though. It's for victims of assault, of both sexes.
Student unions have so many rules about equality and freedom to join groups/clubs/whatever. They would be forced to act in this case, and maybe that would mean creating a separate men's support group as well since the group were so hostile and sexist. An anonymous complaint to the SU can't do any harm.
Of course he might just want to forget about them and there's no problem with that.
Ok, firstly, these women are just being Bitches.
Having said that, perhaps they see this as an invasion of their psychological sanctuary? Ok, that sounds weird, but see it this way- each of them was hurt in some way by a guy -it's what they have in common, it's the founding base- and suddenly one turns up to the place they feel safe enough to openly task about it?
I'm not saying that how they treated you is right. It's downright disgusting- and this is coming from a woman. I just think u need to figure out a way of getting them to understand. Perhaps try talking to one of them individually outside of the session?
Posted from TSR Mobile
Having said that, perhaps they see this as an invasion of their psychological sanctuary? Ok, that sounds weird, but see it this way- each of them was hurt in some way by a guy -it's what they have in common, it's the founding base- and suddenly one turns up to the place they feel safe enough to openly task about it?
I'm not saying that how they treated you is right. It's downright disgusting- and this is coming from a woman. I just think u need to figure out a way of getting them to understand. Perhaps try talking to one of them individually outside of the session?
Posted from TSR Mobile
Original post by Anonymous
The comments were all from other members of the group, not the counsellor. To her credit she did try and intervene but once the banshees had gotten into their stride then there was nothing she could do to stop them.
This is what I'm saying. I understand that you are disappointed and probably angry and hurt. But take a moment to think what your best outcome is. If you want to go to war with this group then complain to the Union. The problem as I see it is that it is going to play out badly and against you.
Regardless of what the group should be - it is invariably going to be percieved from within and without as a women's group. The people who behaved badly are always going to have an iron clad mitigation - that they were (also) angry victims. I see no possibility that you will get anything like an apology from them.
My advice is that you accept that the group is full of angry people with an axe to grind, and that you let the counsellor know that she should do something to stop it happening in the future (maybe male-only sessions). But going to the union would be a nuclear option and isn't a fight that I think you would need to have.
They were obviously wrong for saying those things (very, very wrong), and I'm sorry that you had to endure that.
I could make excuses for them -- something about being traumatised by their past experiences with men -- but the things they said to you was just foul. Perhaps consider reaching out to an external counselling service (be it a better group or a 1 on 1 thing)? There are probably some groups aimed specifically at males too, if that'd make you feel more comfortable about attending.
I could make excuses for them -- something about being traumatised by their past experiences with men -- but the things they said to you was just foul. Perhaps consider reaching out to an external counselling service (be it a better group or a 1 on 1 thing)? There are probably some groups aimed specifically at males too, if that'd make you feel more comfortable about attending.
Original post by Clip
This is what I'm saying. I understand that you are disappointed and probably angry and hurt. But take a moment to think what your best outcome is. If you want to go to war with this group then complain to the Union. The problem as I see it is that it is going to play out badly and against you.
Regardless of what the group should be - it is invariably going to be percieved from within and without as a women's group. The people who behaved badly are always going to have an iron clad mitigation - that they were (also) angry victims. I see no possibility that you will get anything like an apology from them.
My advice is that you accept that the group is full of angry people with an axe to grind, and that you let the counsellor know that she should do something to stop it happening in the future (maybe male-only sessions). But going to the union would be a nuclear option and isn't a fight that I think you would need to have.
Regardless of what the group should be - it is invariably going to be percieved from within and without as a women's group. The people who behaved badly are always going to have an iron clad mitigation - that they were (also) angry victims. I see no possibility that you will get anything like an apology from them.
My advice is that you accept that the group is full of angry people with an axe to grind, and that you let the counsellor know that she should do something to stop it happening in the future (maybe male-only sessions). But going to the union would be a nuclear option and isn't a fight that I think you would need to have.
Well my point is that how it is perceived from within is irrelevant. What matters is the official description of the group, how they advertise themselves, and how any media which refers to the group defines them, and every single external source regarding this group makes no mention whatsoever of gender.
The fact of the matter is that for a group to advertise itself as open and accepting of anybody, regardless of gender, to throw somebody out because of their gender, is completely and utterly unacceptable and if nothing is done about it then they will continue to falsely portray themselves as accepting of everybody and more people like me will suffer a torrent of abuse for for no reason other than the fact that they're male.
Original post by k3ro
They were obviously wrong for saying those things (very, very wrong), and I'm sorry that you had to endure that.
I could make excuses for them -- something about being traumatised by their past experiences with men -- but the things they said to you was just foul. Perhaps consider reaching out to an external counselling service (be it a better group or a 1 on 1 thing)? There are probably some groups aimed specifically at males too, if that'd make you feel more comfortable about attending.
I could make excuses for them -- something about being traumatised by their past experiences with men -- but the things they said to you was just foul. Perhaps consider reaching out to an external counselling service (be it a better group or a 1 on 1 thing)? There are probably some groups aimed specifically at males too, if that'd make you feel more comfortable about attending.
I wasn't uncomfortable attending, even though I would have been the only man there I wouldn't have had any problem with that.
The problem was that I wasn't even given the chance to attend, I was insulted and abused by them so badly within the first couple of minutes that I had no choice but to leave.
Original post by Anonymous
Well my point is that how it is perceived from within is irrelevant. What matters is the official description of the group, how they advertise themselves, and how any media which refers to the group defines them, and every single external source regarding this group makes no mention whatsoever of gender.
The fact of the matter is that for a group to advertise itself as open and accepting of anybody, regardless of gender, to throw somebody out because of their gender, is completely and utterly unacceptable and if nothing is done about it then they will continue to falsely portray themselves as accepting of everybody and more people like me will suffer a torrent of abuse for for no reason other than the fact that they're male.
The fact of the matter is that for a group to advertise itself as open and accepting of anybody, regardless of gender, to throw somebody out because of their gender, is completely and utterly unacceptable and if nothing is done about it then they will continue to falsely portray themselves as accepting of everybody and more people like me will suffer a torrent of abuse for for no reason other than the fact that they're male.
Don't get me wrong - I agree that it's a terrible thing. What I am saying is - is fighting with them your best outcome?
Original post by Clip
Don't get me wrong - I agree that it's a terrible thing. What I am saying is - is fighting with them your best outcome?
If it resulted in them stopping this kind of behaviour then I'd say it's a damn good thing indeed.
Original post by Anonymous
If it resulted in them stopping this kind of behaviour then I'd say it's a damn good thing indeed.
What if it involves you getting involved in a drawn out and unpleasant confrontation with other victims of sexual abuse? They've called you all sorts of things for turning up to a meeting. What do you think is going to happen if you start a fight with them?
I'm not saying they are right. I'm not minimising what they have done. What I am saying is - these are angry people who have also suffered on some level. Do you really want to get into a war with them? What do you actually want (in practical terms)? Are there non-confrontational ways of achieving that?
Quick Reply
Latest
Trending
Last reply 4 days ago
My friend might be getting extra time and i hate it.Last reply 4 days ago
Just found out about UCL stat test but can't afford to sit itLast reply 2 weeks ago
Dad keeps criticising my university degree choiceLast reply 2 weeks ago
Is this pathetic or genuinely something to be upset aboutTrending
Last reply 4 days ago
My friend might be getting extra time and i hate it.Last reply 4 days ago
Just found out about UCL stat test but can't afford to sit itLast reply 2 weeks ago
Dad keeps criticising my university degree choiceLast reply 2 weeks ago
Is this pathetic or genuinely something to be upset about
