Would You Date Someone Who Slept Around 8-9 Years Ago At Uni?
My cousin is gay, and he happens to have fallen head over heels for a gay older guy (who's 29 and my cousin's 22). There is apparently mutual interest.
The older guy is one of those people who is nice but very flirty. I've met him before and he made me feel v. uncomfortable as a straight man. Not that I am homophobic tho. If I was a girl I would say he seemed a bit fake and creepy, he does stuff like write "xxx" at the end of texts to male friends.
Anyway, one of my work colleagues who is the same age knew him well at university (good friends so no hidden agenda), and he says that he used to be quite a "wild child," sleeping around left right and centre, doing all kinds of drugs, rating guys "out of 10" (he is very good looking) and being mean to those he thought ugly in the LGBT society, and apparently his room at uni was full of giant naked gay posters. And the sort to "pump and dump". He also put some pictures of his ex boyfriends on the hot or not site w/o their permission.
My cousin is not the type to sleep around despite the gay stereotype, and a romantic guy. I have told him this and he says he thinks the older guy has changed as it was about 8 or 9 years ago, but the older guy is still one of those people who is constantly being a bit flirty with guys and though he might not necessarily sleep around any more I feel my cousin could get hurt.
I just dont think someone could be so callous towards partners at uni and then have a personality U turn, he is still so flirty. What should I advise my cousin?
The older guy is one of those people who is nice but very flirty. I've met him before and he made me feel v. uncomfortable as a straight man. Not that I am homophobic tho. If I was a girl I would say he seemed a bit fake and creepy, he does stuff like write "xxx" at the end of texts to male friends.
Anyway, one of my work colleagues who is the same age knew him well at university (good friends so no hidden agenda), and he says that he used to be quite a "wild child," sleeping around left right and centre, doing all kinds of drugs, rating guys "out of 10" (he is very good looking) and being mean to those he thought ugly in the LGBT society, and apparently his room at uni was full of giant naked gay posters. And the sort to "pump and dump". He also put some pictures of his ex boyfriends on the hot or not site w/o their permission.
My cousin is not the type to sleep around despite the gay stereotype, and a romantic guy. I have told him this and he says he thinks the older guy has changed as it was about 8 or 9 years ago, but the older guy is still one of those people who is constantly being a bit flirty with guys and though he might not necessarily sleep around any more I feel my cousin could get hurt.
I just dont think someone could be so callous towards partners at uni and then have a personality U turn, he is still so flirty. What should I advise my cousin?
To answer the thread title, yes. I'd date someone who'd been sleeping around 8-9 days ago as long as they were safe and weren't likely to cheat on me... 
Otherwise, the being mean to 'ugly' people and uploading pictures etc is what I'd see as more concerning - but that all depends on whether or not he has changed and whether he recognises why such behaviour is problematic.
Although I'm not sure that he seems so bad that you should outright try and stop your cousin. Perhaps just raise your concerns (i.e. excessive flirting, although to be honest adding 'xxx' to a text can be pretty normal...) and if he doesn't share them then just let him see how it pans out
Otherwise, the being mean to 'ugly' people and uploading pictures etc is what I'd see as more concerning - but that all depends on whether or not he has changed and whether he recognises why such behaviour is problematic.
Although I'm not sure that he seems so bad that you should outright try and stop your cousin. Perhaps just raise your concerns (i.e. excessive flirting, although to be honest adding 'xxx' to a text can be pretty normal...) and if he doesn't share them then just let him see how it pans out
(edited 9 years ago)
Well a lot of people 'sleep around' at uni or at least experiment so that would be ruling a lot of people out.
I don't think it is the sleeping around that makes this guy seem like a douche. You can have casual sex and have respect for yourself and your partners whilst remaining honest about what you want at that moment. It's a personal belief of mine but I believer that it is important to know what you want and what you don't want through experience and also just to enjoy being in the moment and enjoying giving and receiving pleasure without the necessity for 'emotion'. For me 'sleeping around' got a lot of out my system too and force me to grow up and realise that for me it was not fulfilling and put me in a better position to be in a relationship as I know speaking for me that the grass is not greener on the other side and all my curiosity has gone. Sleeping around to inflate your ego/self-esteem is another thing.
It is more his history of bullying of those he deemed unattractive, putting people's pictures non-consensually onto a rating site, and constantly demeaning people to a mere x/10 etc that your cousin should worry about. That all sounds very shallow and manipulative and well he just doesn't sound like a nice person! Perhaps your cousin is latching onto as it's a huge romantic wet dream for the hopelessly romantic to convert man like that into a 'good boy' it's like the ultimate conquest.
My advice? Sounds like your cousin can do better! The only way I can see this being healthy is if the other guy has learnt from his awful treatment of others and that it pointed to a part of himself that was lacking self-esteem and wanted to feel worthy as he attached his sense of self with the way that he looks but now he actively working himself on underlying issues. I say himself because no matter what your cousin (nor anyone else, not even his own mother) can never change him.
Good luck to you all!
I don't think it is the sleeping around that makes this guy seem like a douche. You can have casual sex and have respect for yourself and your partners whilst remaining honest about what you want at that moment. It's a personal belief of mine but I believer that it is important to know what you want and what you don't want through experience and also just to enjoy being in the moment and enjoying giving and receiving pleasure without the necessity for 'emotion'. For me 'sleeping around' got a lot of out my system too and force me to grow up and realise that for me it was not fulfilling and put me in a better position to be in a relationship as I know speaking for me that the grass is not greener on the other side and all my curiosity has gone. Sleeping around to inflate your ego/self-esteem is another thing.
It is more his history of bullying of those he deemed unattractive, putting people's pictures non-consensually onto a rating site, and constantly demeaning people to a mere x/10 etc that your cousin should worry about. That all sounds very shallow and manipulative and well he just doesn't sound like a nice person! Perhaps your cousin is latching onto as it's a huge romantic wet dream for the hopelessly romantic to convert man like that into a 'good boy' it's like the ultimate conquest.
My advice? Sounds like your cousin can do better! The only way I can see this being healthy is if the other guy has learnt from his awful treatment of others and that it pointed to a part of himself that was lacking self-esteem and wanted to feel worthy as he attached his sense of self with the way that he looks but now he actively working himself on underlying issues. I say himself because no matter what your cousin (nor anyone else, not even his own mother) can never change him.
Good luck to you all!
Original post by HarryDn
My cousin is not the type to sleep around despite the gay stereotype, and a romantic guy. I have told him this and he says he thinks the older guy has changed as it was about 8 or 9 years ago, but the older guy is still one of those people who is constantly being a bit flirty with guys and though he might not necessarily sleep around any more I feel my cousin could get hurt.
I just dont think someone could be so callous towards partners at uni and then have a personality U turn, he is still so flirty. What should I advise my cousin?
My cousin is not the type to sleep around despite the gay stereotype, and a romantic guy. I have told him this and he says he thinks the older guy has changed as it was about 8 or 9 years ago, but the older guy is still one of those people who is constantly being a bit flirty with guys and though he might not necessarily sleep around any more I feel my cousin could get hurt.
I just dont think someone could be so callous towards partners at uni and then have a personality U turn, he is still so flirty. What should I advise my cousin?
You've given your advice, now back off and let him crack on with it. You clearly don't feel positively about this guy, but your cousin does, and it's his decision.
Original post by jazjaz
Well a lot of people 'sleep around' at uni or at least experiment so that would be ruling a lot of people out.
I don't think it is the sleeping around that makes this guy seem like a douche. You can have casual sex and have respect for yourself and your partners whilst remaining honest about what you want at that moment. It's a personal belief of mine but I believer that it is important to know what you want and what you don't want through experience and also just to enjoy being in the moment and enjoying giving and receiving pleasure without the necessity for 'emotion'. For me 'sleeping around' got a lot of out my system too and force me to grow up and realise that for me it was not fulfilling and put me in a better position to be in a relationship as I know speaking for me that the grass is not greener on the other side and all my curiosity has gone. Sleeping around to inflate your ego/self-esteem is another thing.
It is more his history of bullying of those he deemed unattractive, putting people's pictures non-consensually onto a rating site, and constantly demeaning people to a mere x/10 etc that your cousin should worry about. That all sounds very shallow and manipulative and well he just doesn't sound like a nice person! Perhaps your cousin is latching onto as it's a huge romantic wet dream for the hopelessly romantic to convert man like that into a 'good boy' it's like the ultimate conquest.
My advice? Sounds like your cousin can do better! The only way I can see this being healthy is if the other guy has learnt from his awful treatment of others and that it pointed to a part of himself that was lacking self-esteem and wanted to feel worthy as he attached his sense of self with the way that he looks but now he actively working himself on underlying issues. I say himself because no matter what your cousin (nor anyone else, not even his own mother) can never change him.
Good luck to you all!
I don't think it is the sleeping around that makes this guy seem like a douche. You can have casual sex and have respect for yourself and your partners whilst remaining honest about what you want at that moment. It's a personal belief of mine but I believer that it is important to know what you want and what you don't want through experience and also just to enjoy being in the moment and enjoying giving and receiving pleasure without the necessity for 'emotion'. For me 'sleeping around' got a lot of out my system too and force me to grow up and realise that for me it was not fulfilling and put me in a better position to be in a relationship as I know speaking for me that the grass is not greener on the other side and all my curiosity has gone. Sleeping around to inflate your ego/self-esteem is another thing.
It is more his history of bullying of those he deemed unattractive, putting people's pictures non-consensually onto a rating site, and constantly demeaning people to a mere x/10 etc that your cousin should worry about. That all sounds very shallow and manipulative and well he just doesn't sound like a nice person! Perhaps your cousin is latching onto as it's a huge romantic wet dream for the hopelessly romantic to convert man like that into a 'good boy' it's like the ultimate conquest.
My advice? Sounds like your cousin can do better! The only way I can see this being healthy is if the other guy has learnt from his awful treatment of others and that it pointed to a part of himself that was lacking self-esteem and wanted to feel worthy as he attached his sense of self with the way that he looks but now he actively working himself on underlying issues. I say himself because no matter what your cousin (nor anyone else, not even his own mother) can never change him.
Good luck to you all!
Thanks, + repped!
Yes it was the whole thing for me, my cousin is not stupid but he can be naive at times and is still rather a "hopeless romantic" sort yes..He's not the sort to go for bad boys usually but the guy does seem nice on the surface, personally as an outsider he seems slimy to me but he definitely knows how to turn on the charm and apparently used to be very manipulative.
How should I advise my cousin?
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