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If your friend was cheating on their partner...

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I meant in the long-run when the relationship inevitably crumbles/when she finds out, it will cause severe psychological issues that I listed in the first post. I see cheating as mental abuse in that sense. Also, partners often start to be suspicious and this can create paranoia and a deep unhappiness, particularly if the cheating partner is manipulating them to persuade them that everything is fine.

You're really just making this all up as you go along.

You're speaking in absolutes when you have absolutely no idea what will or will not occur for any given person.

Reply 21

carlaraptor

My loyalty would be to my friend, so I wouldn't say anything to anyone. I'd maybe try to understand why my friend was cheating, and try to advise them against it depending on what they said.

But under no circumstances would I tell the other party. If I was friends with the other person too, again I would try to advise my friend against what they were doing. But in the end, you have to let them figure it out for themselves... interferring in other people's relationships is never going to end well.

Reply 22

carlaraptor

Original post by macromicro

Would it affect your opinion of your friend's character? My friend's reasoning is quite simply that he loves his girlfriend but enjoys sleeping around also. What do you think about that? In some ways, I understand his view that he wants both, but is this morally wrong?

Morality, particularly in this context, is a very subjective concept.

If my friend was cheating on his girlfriend (whom I'm also good friends with, but knew him first) and that was his reason - that he loved her, but wanted to sleep around too... privately, I would be sort of disappointed in him. I'd likely tell him that he couldn't really have both - that he can't really carry on doing it, and that he'd have to make a decision as to which he wanted more.

I don't really think you can truly love someone, and sleep around at the same time without feeling utterly awful about yourself and what you're doing.

Reply 23

Zander01

Most of my friends cheat on their girlfriends. It's a shame but I'm not going to grass them up over something which quite frankly doesn't concern me. (It's also this reason I don't make an effort to get to know their girlfriends because then I would feel guiltier).

And i'm pretty sure most people know it's wrong already...

Reply 24

young_guns

Original post by macromicro

Which option would you choose?

My friend is currently cheating on his girlfriend of three years. He has had at least two one night stands, as well as other things. My housemate thinks "it's not our place to say anything".

Your housemate is right in some respects. If you are a good friend, then you would tell them that they are doing the wrong thing. But you won't get on a sanctimonious high horse and beat him with it at every opportunity.

I'm not going to tell the girl but I feel I'm doing that more for my own good than hers; I ultimately think it's selfish not to tell her, and this troubles me.

Actually, it would be massively selfish to tell her. It has nothing to do with you, it would simply be an act of self-gratification and utter sanctimony. If you don't like what your friend is doing, tell him. If it deeply grates on your conscience, end the friendship. Don't be a dickhead and intervene in a relationship that has nothing to do with you

If you tell her, you are guaranteeing losing him as a friend. And if she decides to stay with him you will lose her as a friend too. Or it could be that he tells her you're lying, and you're saying it because you've always liked her and want to be with her now. In a credibility contest between a friend and a boyfriend, people will almost always choose the boyfriend

(edited 9 years ago)

Reply 25

young_guns

Original post by macromicro

Also, I am friends with the girl too (I actually knew her slightly before the guy) - does this change anything in your mind?

And yet you failed to mention that in the OP?

It's clear you want us to tell you it's okay to tell the girl. It's not. It would be the act of a sanctimonious cock who broke a confidence so he could feel like a hero.

Do you like the girl? Is that the issue?

Look, if you tell her, you will guarantee losing him as a friend. And if she decides to stay with him (people often do, they don't want to lose a relationship) then you will lose her as a friend as well.

(edited 9 years ago)

Reply 26

Mankytoes

Original post by macromicro

Why is that an insult? The same could be asked of you in relegating the severity of cheating for a victim. It often involves manipulation and paranoia in the short-term as well as a host of severe problems in the long-term. If they are married and kids are involved then it can ruin lives. Some people commit suicide after being cheated on, married or not.

I know someone who killed himself after getting dumped, so I guess that's abuse too. Your logic is poor, so don't interfere. You're just looking for us to reassure you, you've already made up your mind.

I've had friends who've cheated, I've told them they are dicks for it and should just dump the girl, but only in a casual way. I've never cheated, but I'm far from perfect, and I expect loyalty from my friends, so I give it in return.

Reply 27

Akamega

In theory, it's great to be champion of everything 'good' and moral, but practically speaking, it will bring you a whole lot of trouble so you might want to save yourself the headaches and stay out of it. If you must do something, talk to your friend about it, if he is your 'friend' he at least deserves the courtesy of being told that what he's doing is wrong. Just don't be an attention-seeking coward and go to the gf first; that will only cause a ****-storm.

Reply 28

So Instinct

I would talk to the person at most. If I was very close friends with the female then perhaps I would tell her but other than that it's really none of my business. I would never threaten them with the threat of telling the girl in the scenario and I wouldn't want a recklessly interfering friend like that either.

Would be a lame situation but just because someone has trouble with promiscuity within relationships doesn't make them a bad person as a whole so the friendship itself would never come into question.

(edited 9 years ago)

Reply 29

username47781

To be honest in situations like this it is better keeping out of it all together.

Reply 30

9MmBulletz

Don't be a snitch- it's a criminal offence bro-code wise. I wouldn't even talk to that person again if he did what you were going to do. What he's doing is wrong, but what you want to do is of more consequence.

Reply 31

VETwannabe

I'd talk to your friend and not his girl. If you guys are really good friends then he's more likely to listen to you. you can tell him about the damage he's doing to his relationship. make him think about how he's hurting his girlfriend. If he doesn't care then tell him to break up with her if he no longer feels committed. Cheating on her is way worse.

Reply 32

Peter rocks

If you are better friends with the girl then tell her, if you are better friends with him then don't.

Reply 33

Drunk Punx

"Yo mofo, whatchoo are doing?" should suffice. I suppose you could elaborate if you must, but if anyone with a brain would realise that you're heavily condemning what he's doing based on the morality of his actions and that he should cease and desist immediately.

Just don't tell the girl, it's not your place to do so.

Reply 34

username917703

My mate does it all the time and has done for about seven years now. He's got two kids with her and cheated on her when she was pregnant. I think it's harsh and he knows this but **** it, not gonna grass on my pal.

Reply 35

username47781

Original post by macromicro

But doesn't injustice keep you up at night?

When I was younger, in Year 9, I witnessed a mugging. I was horrified but too young to interfere physically. I went straight to the local police station and reported it, giving my description of the criminal. He was later caught and some of my school friends called me a snitch and a grass and that I should have kept out of it. Even one of the teachers at my school was disapproving. I have trouble understanding the reasoning behind what defines a snitch/grass/rat and why it is morally wrong to be one. I wanted that criminal to be caught and the victim to have a sense of justice restored; others seem to feel that this isn't priority - the priority is you keeping out of it and minding your own business. What if everyone minded their own business for everything? When would anyone help another? At what point is it socially acceptable to be a snitch? Assault? Murder? Why is being a snitch conditional on the legality or severity of the crime? Why is being a snitch wrong?

Whilst I am not going to make it a debate, someone just cheating on their partner compared to someone getting beaten up and mugged, the latter seems worse. It would surely only get more messy if you get involved in someone else's personal life.

Reply 36

Becca7000

Anyone thinking of the possible reasons for the guy who's cheating? It may be good for him to break up with her and come clean, he's obviously cheating for a reason.
I wouldn't say anything personally but I'd be sure to let them know I don't agree with them. Not telling her isn't the same as lying. If she asked outright, I'd tell her.
Also good to know all you guys condone cheating if it's your friend doing it. Would you hide a body for them too if they asked nicely?

Reply 37

username917703

Original post by Becca7000

I wouldn't say anything personally but I'd be sure to let them know I don't agree with them. Not telling her isn't the same as lying. If she asked outright, I'd tell her.
Also good to know all you guys condone cheating if it's your friend doing it. Would you hide a body for them too if they asked nicely?

None of this is true.

Reply 38

username917703

Original post by macromicro

Is it just the case that he loves the mother of his children but also wants to sleep around? I can understand that confliction of wanting both, but do you think you can be truly in love with someone you cheat on and morally sound yourself?

He's openly told me that he only really 'loves' her because she's the mother of his kids. I know he's got stronger feelings for one of his previous ex girlfriends.

I wouldn't say he is morally sound tbh, he doesn't really give a ****.

Also if I was in the position of his girlfriend, I wouldn't expect or hold anything against anyone in mine for not saying anything to me.

EDIT: To add to the highlighted bit, he's too spineless to end it. He's told me he wants to get caught by her so he doesn't have to do it himself.