please help- 21yo virgin need advice finding a woman that appreciates him

Hi everyone, I know the internet is full of people with similar problems to mine but I was looking for some specific advice for me as a lot of the advice isn't particularly useful (general be yourself stuff).
Let me introduce myself- I am a 21yo male. I am a highly skilled and qualified guy- I'm working in academia as a researcher pursuing a PhD in engineering. I do have quite good social skills- I have a good range of good friends with a wide range of interests including sports, music (I play an instrument too) and movies/video games. Admittedly most of my friends are male and my interests are very manly (sports, gym etc) but I can hold small talk well enough.
I am not a physically attractive guy at all- I am physically very fit (I am currently skinny side but I'm very lean and defined and train hard to getting bigger) and well groomed and maintained (my hair is buzzed in pretty short- not particularly stylish but clean and I like it). My main problem is facial aesthetics (I just don't have a great face at all) which disappoints me but I feel I can probably make up for it by being in shape and tidy.

Anyway sorry for the long introduction, I feel it gives a better perspective of where I'm at.
I find it very hard to find women that notice me, or have feelings for me and to find women that I feel interested in. I have always chosen not to go for a woman based solely on her looks- however I haven't met many women who interest me with their personality, only a few and these were very random occurrences.
I feel most girls don't see me as a catch at all- most girls in my social circles do that condescending thing were they're like 'you're not a bad guy' or 'you're quite smart/cute' but then follow it up with 'you're not really my type though' or crap like that. I must stress that this is when these girls are drunk and not flirting with me (and I don't flirt with them).
I feel like I'm a good catch and a good guy, however girls don't seem to identify me as a good catch.
A lot of this will be down to being physically unattractive, however many of the girls I know go for guys just (or almost) as unattractive as me who also happen to be dicks. The old 'it's all about confidence' thing doesn't hold either as I am confident in who I am (although can be a little nervous at times, I'm usually pretty good).

The last thing I should add is that I've never had a gf or had sex before. I never had a problem with being a virgin as I thought it'd come eventually, however I feel if I maintain my virginity much longer I'll be left far too inexperienced to satisfy girls- you don't get many girls at 21 who are virgins (and I don;t care if they are or not anyway), but I feel it's relatively obvious that I'm a virgin and this could prevent potential partners wanting to have sex with me- they wouldn't want to get with a guy that doesn't know what he's doing. I could have sex quite easily- I know a girl that openly would like to have sex with me- however I do not like her very much as she also hits on all of my friends and has a reputation for having lots of bf's. She's basically just desperate for a bf and has a dull and irritating personality (I don't wish to sound mean here but she's not a nice person). I feel deep down having sex with her just for experience is not nice (although I wouldn't say it's using her as she just wants sex too) and I really don't want too. However the experience might help me attract a woman I do want to be with.

I would like to have a nice relationship with a nice girl who appreciates me for who I am as I'm genuinely a good guy.
Any advice for me would be great.
Sorry for the long post!

You so seem like a nice guy, just not in a large enough social circle, I did read your whole post as well.

Welcome New TSRian . I did read your whole post .

You do seem like a nice guy, just seem to not have a large enoufh social circle. You are how you are supposed to be so even if there aren’t a million girls who see you as being aesthically pleasing there must those who do. You are still youngish though, so don’t sleep with the girl just to say you have slept with someone. As for 21yo female virgins they are not super uncommon, I am one and can list a few other female TSRians that are the same age and are virgins.

Can I ask how is it “relatively obvious that you are a virgin”?


I gave that rep by accident, darn this sleepiness, I will type the other things tomorrow if I remember. pmmk

You so seem like a nice guy, just not in a large enough social circle, I did read your whole post as well.

Welcome New TSRian . I did read your whole post .

You do seem like a nice guy, just seem to not have a large enoufh social circle. You are how you are supposed to be so even if there aren’t a million girls who see you as being aesthically pleasing there must those who do. You are still youngish though, so don’t sleep with the girl just to say you have slept with someone. As for 21yo female virgins they are not super uncommon, I am one and can list a few other female TSRians that are the same age and are virgins.

Can I ask how is it “relatively obvious that you are a virgin”?


I gave that rep by accident, darn this sleepiness, I will type the other things tomorrow if I remember. pmmk

know how yeh feel man partly...

be happy to chat/advice yeh via pm if yeh like

think I know just the thing yeh need.

haha you really were half asleep werent yeh p

I'm not usually an advocate of the whole meaningless sex thing but I think in this instance it would be to your benefit if you have sex with that girl. As sordid the act might seem I think it will help you feel more confident in yourself as a person and sexually.

I myself am a virgin at 19, though I was quite an ugly duckling growing up in the last year or so puberty hit me quite well and now I have girls practically throwing themselves at me on nights out. The only problem is that I'm kind of frigid and it will be awkward explaining to a girl that they'll be my first. It would help if there was an easy way of me just getting rid of it.

This is also food for thought. I don't want to loss it in a horrible manner just to lose it, but I'm also tired of the tag and potential problems it may bring. Being 21 and a virgin isn't great, but the prospect of reaching 23/24 and still being one is worse too- most guys use these years to master the art of womanizing. Not that I would like to be a womanizer- I've always waited for the right woman, but finding and attracting her whilst being a virgin may be hard.
However the contrasting opinion of @lou22 is also reassuring- deep down I know it's not right to have have sex just to lose my virginity

Exactly. Being a virgin isn't exactly the end of the world but I just think like carrying tag is more of a burden then anything right now if im honest. No girl is really going to care and after the act your probably going to feel like it was so overrated but the thing that bothers me most is being years behind on experience and feeling like a novice when I actually meet a girl I really want to please.

I feel you bro. I myself am going to loose my virginity the next time the oppurtunity presents itself.

Good luck

know how yeh feel man partly...

be happy to chat/advice yeh via pm if yeh like

think I know just the thing yeh need.

haha you really were half asleep werent yeh p

Thank you for your reply.
I would say its relatively obvious I'm a virgin in the sense that I don't give off a vibe of a highly experienced guy- I probably look a bit nervous when people ask me about previous relationships etc

So for the terrible quality of my post, admittedly I was half asleep .

There is no need to thank me . I get what you mean now, I used to feel borderline ashamed to tell people I’m a virgin but now I no longer do, but sweetie at least you are not like one of the many guys our age who is a serial player/womanizer. Your time will come and so will your lovely future gf . Not all girls care about your previous though.

The truth is that girls in their twenties are not looking for talented, interested or nice guys. They're too busy riding the c**k carousel as they know they can land a wealthy "nice" guy later in life who will take care of them despite their past. Right now for the most part (especially the hot ones) just want the buff bad boy who can offer them some excitement.

You'll find that once you hit 30, all these girls will start climbing out the woodwork to settle down with a guy like you but is that what you really want? If a girl won't give you her best years then don't be around for her worst dude. Get some douchey alpha game to ride you out through your twenties. The only decent chance you have of settling down with someone worthy at your age is a foreign girl.

Stop trying to matchmake about “think I know just the thing yeh need” Firstly I am not a thing I am a person .


I was xD, I feel like an old apple in a fruit bowl right now, me so tired xD.

Thank you for your positive response. Hopefully it'll get better.



I feel this is very true. I know too many girls who go for the douchiest bad boy types. I have tattoos, very short hair and a scar from childhood and I've noticed when I'm out that 18/19yo girls in my social circles tend to be semi-interested until I start talking etc and realise I'm actually very nice and considerate to everyone. If I put on an alpha persona I could get laid, but I think its really lame.
Although it sounds bitter, I think many girls my age seem to lack common sense and mistake niceness for being a pussy.
The sad part is I'm probably a lot tougher than those fake bad boys, I just chose to act in a responsible manner.
Its bad when men have to act bad to get laid.

I think I should wait and do the right thing, but it is definatrly fascinating why women in their twenties often sell themselves short.

Hopefully I can find a woman who appreciates me.

A girl wants to have sex with you and you don't want to do it? You must be crazy. As long as she's not ugly and filthy, you should have sex with her just for experience. You don't have to like her or anything like that, just go for it and see how it feels like. Anyway, regarding your problem... I'm afraid that it's extremely hard to get women if you're not very handsome and 10/10 in the looks department, like Bradley Cooper or something. If you're not 10/10, then you need to have other attributes, like being very very wealthy, or having an absolutely amazing and striking personality, or being an exceptionally smooth talker, or being a professional athlete or famous celebrity. Otherwise, if you're an average guy with really bad looks, then it's going to be extremely hard to get women. The best thing to do is not to turn it into a huge deal or let it control your life. You won't like what I'm about to say, but you should focus on developing and furthering yourself. Of course, always make sure you do the very best with what you have, live your life and enjoy yourself, find happiness within yourself and within your hobbies, and keep your social life going. As long as you have good friends and something that you enjoy doing, you'll be okay. Don't make it your life's goal to keep chasing women in a desperate search for the right woman. Let her come to you, don't dedicate ALL your energy to this task. Like I said, live your life man. Keep doing the thing that makes you happy. Maintain good relationships with your family and friends. That's all man. Your problem has nothing to do with being a virgin or never having had a gf or a woman. That's nothing, trust me. Just give it time, it'll happen eventually. I'm older than you and in a similar situation as you, won't catch me complaining. Live your life man, go on.

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