basically I have no friends, no confidence, no girlfriend, and no idea what i am doing here on earth
I am 1st year in Uni, 18, Male
I moved away from my home to go to uni, far away, need a flight to get back. I had a few friends, but the only things we had in common really was a massive interest in football, FIFA etc. I found them quite annoying otherwise, and spent little time with them aside from football.
My school life socially was pretty quiet, i spent a lot of time at, particularly at weekends, Like all families can get annoying, and i have a short temper, but i don't mind being there. I rarely went out for the high school years. I would try to find excuses as to why i didn’t, such as i was going to become super fit (which I'm not) but i couldn't find any. I would talk to lots of people at school, but barely any out of it.
Sport is probably the largest part of my life, but i am so bad at it. i’ve tried many but i’m below average - poor at all of them. I played rugby for 10ish years but this became a nightmare. I never got the confidence to quit as my dad helped out at training and i could tell he liked it, but also it was the only thing i really did at the weekends or during the week. But i was never played and felt emotionally abused. I would play probably 20 mins/ season. I would travel to games, but be the only one not to get a game, i would be brought on them off. None of the other players liked me. I was shy and bad at rugby. I had to spend years standing on cold sidelines, listening to names being called out (not mine), listening to team talks for games i wouldn't play in, miss out on everything that happened on the pitch, and mostly off it too. I hated it, and hate it even more now I'm out of it. I occasionally play a few other sports, on a small scale, but i fail to commit to any of them, i find it impossible to put in the effort. I have few other hobbies, i spend, lots of time on the internet, youtube , but wish i didn't have to.
Im not narcissistic but. i’m really nice, and can get really excited and hyper if you talk to me for more than 10 minutes. I like to talk to anyone, i like most people. acquaintances have told me im very thoughtful, kind, funny (really funny apparently), and one of the most liked people in my year. as in by everyone, not most admired. I won the best smile in the year book which was a massive surprise but also a boost to my confidence. But this isn't really any substance, people, girls don’t find me interesting enough (yes i have very low self esteem).
And on school trips when i could open up to people, they said how great i was to be around, and how they never knew i was this funny but when we went home it was like it never happened. Also i know so few people. only really people in my school and vaguely people from rugby
girls
i have had a few interactions with girls. i talk to few girls, but really like the ones i do talk to. i would say i’ve been particularly close to 3 or 4 girls, in high school. One was early on, someone i liked for her looks, and on a school trip we went on, i asked her out on Facebook, she said no. One was a girl who i really liked talking to on the way home from school, i could make her laugh, she said she wanted to go out with me, through a guy i knew. I was scared, of what my parent might do, (they often teased me about girls, so i became very insecure about discussing them), id never had anything like this. I said i had to focus on my exams, its probably the stupidest and most regrettable single thing i’ve done. I really hate myself for doing it. I promised myself i would ask her out next year, but she moved away. Then there was a girl who's crazy, and asked me out after i talked to her for like 5 minutes. I had to block her on Facebook, it got weird. Finally and most recently theres this girl who i’ve been friends with for years and she's basically like the perfect girl, many other guys in the school say they'd happily marry her. She's funny, and politically aware (did i mention i like politics) and quirky, and so cool. Oh and obviously, added bonus, she's bloody good looking. I always got this idea she liked me, not like like but liked more than most girls like me. But she's been in a relationship with the same guy pretty much since i met her. Ive never asked about him, or me and her. it’s basically impossible, as she now lives back home. And yep, never been kissed either.
When school ended i knew id miss it because that was all the people i knew just gone, and that easy setup of talking to people gone. I became quite sad over the summer, i wasn’t sure of anything in life anymore. Suicide came into my head, not as a solution but just as a thought. I knew i probably wouldn't do it, but i thought about it, and i still do occasionally. Theres this bridge i cross everyday and i wonder if i could throw myself off, but i cant imagine how much it would hurt my family.
So now we come to Uni, eventually. I knew no one. I sort of missed the first week, and they don't really do many freshers events, people just go out with their school friends. I met basically no one. Ive said hi to a few people in lectures and tutorials but only for a few minutes. And that has continued to today. I joined a few clubs but there mostly 2nd 3rd and 4th years, cliquey etc. the sports teams are so competitive and i’m not fit or committed enough to keep playing them. So I've fallen into not leaving the house. I don't enjoy going out, but i think its mainly because i don't know anyone here to go out with. Ive been out a few times and just come back alone and really sad, and **** up my schedule and miss lectures. So i spend my days inside, on the computer, TV, eating. I cant really motivate myself to study or read which is what i should do, but i just need to pass this year and next year. All the girls here seem very superficial and fake and all the same, i don't know who they're trying to impress but it doesn't work, even though I've probably talk to one or two. And all the lads seem very laddish, drunk and samey also. But Im not hugely missing home as theres nothing really to do there, yet i get very sad after coming back to uni after being home, as i get really happy.
I’ve not really talked about study etc but basically my course is ok, its something that i sort of enjoy, and hate a lot less than most other subjects. I feel its better than any other alternative i have, because, at the moment, i’ve no idea really what i want to be. I can give more details if you think its necessary.
So how do i make friends and enjoy life again?! (simple i know) I find it hard to speak to anyone, and keeping contact even harder. How do i get a girlfriend or love, because everyone keeps saying its the most important thing. Also i know i want to have kids. At the moment i’m just going through the motions, very lonely, crying very often, i’m not really living my life, i regret a lot. i don’t want to regret anymore. What should i do? i don't want to die alone!