My mum may be in an abusive relationship

Hey,

I am hoping I can get some kind of advice on where to go from this, I hope you don't mind me going on a bit, I need to rant. The most important bit is the final paragraph if you want to skip the middle.

My mum met her current partner about 6 years ago when i lived with her and my younger brother. The first few times the guy seemed fairly pleasant, a bit arrogant but nothing awful. He had been a fireman in the past, but due to a really bad injury he had to leave and when mum met him he was quite overweight.

Slowly over a few weeks and months I started to notice some things he said which were very disrespectful. He was always rude to waiters and staff when we went out for meals. My brother and I were brought up with good manners and this seemed quite alien and we started being very embarrassed to go out anywhere with him.

2 years later, I moved away to study for my degree and my brother kept me up to date with everything. My brother told me that Paul was sitting around all day, playing computer games, shouting at my brother and ordering him around. He went from being quite overweight to morbidly obese, and used this to his advantage saying that as he is bigger he will need more food than everyone else, or that he can't help mum in the kitchen because his legs are too swollen.

At Christmas just gone I saw him for the first time in quite a while. He never said a kind word to me, he threatened to kick my cat's back in if I didn't make him stop scratching a piece of furniture, and most memorably, when mum had made us a buffet for dinner he insisted that he go in before anyone else so he can get the bits he wants. So five of us (mum, my partner, my brother and the guy's son) stood in the kitchen waiting for him to finish getting what he wanted, then as we went around he had left just one or two of each thing even though mum had made plenty to go around. Mum was really upset by that.

The list of disrespectful and nasty things he has said and done just goes on and on. So I think you get the picture. While I was at the house during Christmas, huge arguments happened at least 4 times each day. I left to go back to uni and a few days later my brother told me that mum had been hit in the face and was in a&e with a broken nose. Apparently it happened while they were arguing about filing their paperwork altogether or separately, and my brother heard mum scream and came in to see she was bleeding.

I asked mum about it and firstly she said it was an accident and that she walked into a door, then she changed her mind and said that she had provoked him, it was her fault. My brother's account when he went in the room was that she was hurt and distressed and her partner was just stood back with his arms folded.

This is the first time (that I know of) that he has touched my mum like that. But emotionally and verbally she is arguably being abused all the time. She's not allowed to go and see her friends, she is on his sim card so that he gets to check all the phone bills, he orders her around the house and criticises her constantly, but I don't know how to make her see it. I feel that she would rather be with this man than be alone, but she is a very strong woman and has never been as alone as she is now, because the only one she can spend time with without causing an argument is him. She once came up to see me and we went to a spa for the day. We were having a lovely time until she checked her phone, which was on silent, to find 33 missed calls, some voicemails and loads of texts demanding she tell him where she is and who with (despite her telling him many times). The rest of the day was spoiled because mum was worried about going home and facing him.

So I don't know what to do. My mum has a broken nose and lives in fear because of him. My brother is not in a good environment and has become much more withdrawn and pessimistic about the future. I just want it all to stop but whenever I bring it up she just brushes it away as nothing. I love my mum so much and I am heartbroken that someone could hurt her, but even more so that I am stuck here and can't do anything to help.

I'm sorry that was long, I'm just worried and any advice would really help.

Thanks,
Kassy

Reply 1

anosmianAcrimony

20

Your mother shouldn't have to put up with that. I think you should get in touch with these people: http://www.nationaldomesticviolencehelpline.org.uk

Reply 2

sunnydespair

15

Domestic abuse is never acceptable. Tell your mother to be a mother for you, it should be her first priority in life to make sure there are not unstable people around herself and her children like this abusive man. The website above is a good link I'm sure.

If your mother doesn't listen, then she will ultimately have to pay the price, but don't let it affect your life, you deserve better than that

Reply 3

Kasemah

OP

1

Hey,

thank you everyone for such fast responses. It's nice to know that people do care. Thank you for all the sites to visit, I am sure they will be very helpful and I will go through them properly tomorrow afternoon.

The times I have spoken to my mum have always gone wrong. She will blame herself or say something like "he's not all bad." On the spa day when she dropped me off at home before going home herself I was so upset that our day had been spoiled and cried in the car and begged her to get rid of him. It backfired because she took it as me blaming her for everything that had happened, and I've been trying to keep my feelings back since then, which is hard.

I think that support would be a good idea, maybe a helpline to ring now and again. I have a community psychiatric nurse as I struggle with other issues besides this, but she's off sick at the moment and hasn't been around for me to talk to her. The other fear I have is that if I imply that my mum and brother are in danger, the police might go round to investigate and could possibly make it worse. But I don't know where they draw the line with that kind of thing.

Thank you for your offer to chat, I would really appreciate your support. As it is quarter to 2 I should probably get to sleep now but I will send you a message when I'm about.

Thank you again for the responses. :smile:

Reply 4

Boks

Original post by Kasemah

Hey,

I am hoping I can get some kind of advice on where to go from this, I hope you don't mind me going on a bit, I need to rant. The most important bit is the final paragraph if you want to skip the middle.

My mum met her current partner about 6 years ago when i lived with her and my younger brother. The first few times the guy seemed fairly pleasant, a bit arrogant but nothing awful. He had been a fireman in the past, but due to a really bad injury he had to leave and when mum met him he was quite overweight.

Slowly over a few weeks and months I started to notice some things he said which were very disrespectful. He was always rude to waiters and staff when we went out for meals. My brother and I were brought up with good manners and this seemed quite alien and we started being very embarrassed to go out anywhere with him.

2 years later, I moved away to study for my degree and my brother kept me up to date with everything. My brother told me that Paul was sitting around all day, playing computer games, shouting at my brother and ordering him around. He went from being quite overweight to morbidly obese, and used this to his advantage saying that as he is bigger he will need more food than everyone else, or that he can't help mum in the kitchen because his legs are too swollen.

At Christmas just gone I saw him for the first time in quite a while. He never said a kind word to me, he threatened to kick my cat's back in if I didn't make him stop scratching a piece of furniture, and most memorably, when mum had made us a buffet for dinner he insisted that he go in before anyone else so he can get the bits he wants. So five of us (mum, my partner, my brother and the guy's son) stood in the kitchen waiting for him to finish getting what he wanted, then as we went around he had left just one or two of each thing even though mum had made plenty to go around. Mum was really upset by that.

The list of disrespectful and nasty things he has said and done just goes on and on. So I think you get the picture. While I was at the house during Christmas, huge arguments happened at least 4 times each day. I left to go back to uni and a few days later my brother told me that mum had been hit in the face and was in a&e with a broken nose. Apparently it happened while they were arguing about filing their paperwork altogether or separately, and my brother heard mum scream and came in to see she was bleeding.

I asked mum about it and firstly she said it was an accident and that she walked into a door, then she changed her mind and said that she had provoked him, it was her fault. My brother's account when he went in the room was that she was hurt and distressed and her partner was just stood back with his arms folded.

This is the first time (that I know of) that he has touched my mum like that. But emotionally and verbally she is arguably being abused all the time. She's not allowed to go and see her friends, she is on his sim card so that he gets to check all the phone bills, he orders her around the house and criticises her constantly, but I don't know how to make her see it. I feel that she would rather be with this man than be alone, but she is a very strong woman and has never been as alone as she is now, because the only one she can spend time with without causing an argument is him. She once came up to see me and we went to a spa for the day. We were having a lovely time until she checked her phone, which was on silent, to find 33 missed calls, some voicemails and loads of texts demanding she tell him where she is and who with (despite her telling him many times). The rest of the day was spoiled because mum was worried about going home and facing him.

So I don't know what to do. My mum has a broken nose and lives in fear because of him. My brother is not in a good environment and has become much more withdrawn and pessimistic about the future. I just want it all to stop but whenever I bring it up she just brushes it away as nothing. I love my mum so much and I am heartbroken that someone could hurt her, but even more so that I am stuck here and can't do anything to help.

I'm sorry that was long, I'm just worried and any advice would really help.

Thanks,
Kassy

You are in a position to call the police and report assault even if your mum doesn't. If you call them up and say the assault happened, was treated in hospital, and you or your brother were witness to it, then the police cannot ignore it. Even if you don't witness it and report it after seeing your mum's injuries, the police will still have to log it. They can't ignore a stockpile of evidence in the form of recorded crimes.
You MUST report every incident you're aware of to build up a case against him. The police will take action and have specific teams to deal with it. I worked for a domestic abuse charity and this type of case came up a lot. Your mum may make excuses for him, but that doesn't mean you have to.

It's better if your mum is on your side in terms of reporting, but even if she isn't, you can still report him. Ask your mum why she's putting up with it to get a clearer picture, but there is no valid excuse to put up with domestic violence, especially now her kids are old enough to take care of themselves to some extent.

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Reply 5

Protégé

11

That man's scum. Tell your mother to toughen up and stop blaming herself.

Reply 6

CuddlyViking

Original post by anosmianAcrimony

Your mother shouldn't have to put up with that. I think you should get in touch with these people: http://www.nationaldomesticviolencehelpline.org.uk

I agree with this post. This is a really difficult situation for both you and your mum and you don't want to do anything that might aggrevate her situation.

If you feel you need to speak to your nurse but she isn't available you can go back to your GP. They also have training on domestic abuse.

You might be interested in this:
http://content.met.police.uk/Article/Domestic-Violence-Disclosure-Scheme---Clares-Law/1400022792812/1400022792812

Reply 7

Petro_99

10

Hi

Sounds like your mum is going through a harsh time. When women enter abusive relationships, they generally don`t see it as abusive, they see it as a short-term relapse in their partners behaviour or it`s okay as he really loves them.

I would definetly call the police and even report a concern you have towards your partner.

"The following are some tips from the book by Lundy Bancroft called Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men. There's a section devoted to "Dealing with your own frustrations" and "What if She Doesn't Believe She is Being Abused?" that are also very helpful. Personally, I recommend buying or borrowing the book from the library. It's an eye-opening read. On to the book......

If you would like to make a significant difference in the life of an abused woman you care about, keep the following principle fresh in your mind..."Your goal is to be the complete opposite of what the abuser is".

The Abuser: Pressures her severely

So You Should: Be patient. Remember that it takes time for an abused woman to sort out her confusion and figure out how to handle her situation. It is not helpful for her to try to follow 'your' timetable for when she should stand up to her partner, leave him, call the police, or whatever step you want her to take. You need to respect her judgement regarding when she is ready to take action - something the abuser never does.

The Abuser: Talks down to her

So you Should: Address her as an equal. Avoid all traces of condescension or superior knowledge in your voice. This caution applies just as much or more to professionals. If you speak to an abused woman as if you are smarter or wiser than she is, or as if she is going through something that could never happen to you, then you inadvertently confirm exactly what the abuser has been telling her, which is that she is beneath him. Remember, your actions speak louder than your words.

The Abuser: Thinks he knows what is good for her better than she does

So You Should: Treat her as the expert on her own life. Don't assume that you know what she needs to do. I have sometimes given abused women suggestions that I thought were exactly right but turned out to be terrible for that particular situation. Ask her what she thinks might work and, without pressuring her, offer suggestions, respecting her explanations for why certain courses of action would not be helpful. Don't tell her what to do.

The Abuser: Dominates conversations

So You Should: Listen more and talk less. The temptation may be great to convince her what a 'jerk' he is, to analyze his motives, to give speeches covering entire chapters of this book. But talking too much inadvertently communicates to her that your thoughts are more important than hers, which is exactly how the abuser treats her. If you want her to value her own feelings and opinions, then you have to show her that you value them.

The Abuser: Believes he has the right to control her life

So You Should: Respect her right to self-determination. She is entitled to make decisions that are not exactly what you would choose, including the decision to stay with her abusive partner or to return to him after a separation. You can't convince a woman that her life belongs to her if you are simultaneously acting like it belongs to you. Stay by her even when she makes choices that you don't like.

The Abuser: Assumes he understands her children and their needs better than she does

So You Should: Assume that she is a competent, caring mother. Remember that there is no simple way to determine what is best for the children of an abused woman. Even if she leaves the abuser, the children's problems are not necessarily over, and sometimes abusers actually create worse difficulties for the children postseparation than before. You cannot help her to find the best path for her children unless you have a realistic grasp of the complicated set of choices that face her.

The Abuser: Thinks for her

So You Should: Think with her. Don't assume the role of teacher or rescuer. Instead, join forces with her as a respectful and equal team member."

Hope that helps :-)

Reply 8

cheshiremum

9

Lots of sensible advice above, and some that doesn't quite get it. People in abusive relationships often think it's their fault, it's part of the abuse. You might find the link below helpful - there is advice for family and friends of victims of domestic abuse. In reality, your brother and you are also victims - domestic abuse affects more than one person. It might help you to talk to someone at women's aid who can give you more detailed advice, or signpost you to some relevant support.

Someone above mentioned that it might be worth keeping track of incidents - especially any involving physical violence - to help with evidence if your mum decides, say, to seek an injunction to keep him out of the house. I hope your mum comes to recognise that she is being abused and should not put up with it.

http://www.womensaid.org.uk/domestic-violence-articles.asp?section=00010001002200410001&itemid=1296#2

Reply 9

Kasemah

OP

1

Hi everyone,

I really appreciate the time people have taken to offer me advice and links. I have looked through all of them and it has helped me to feel much calmer about the situation. I think I was very angry and afraid which wasn't helping.

Just to update: Mum rang me on Saturday evening very upset and frustrated. She told me that she felt 'lost' and 'stuck'. The stress is causing her to lose focus at work and her colleagues have begun to talk about her. She won't talk to the police and has begged me not to call them. My CPN is back today and I am due to see her this afternoon, so I will speak to her and see what she says, since she has a huge amount of background information that I have not been able to include here, but my thought is that I will log the dates and details of the events my brother, mum or I notice. I've asked my brother to set a sound recorder going to capture a few of their arguments for evidence.

I am reluctant to phone the police behind mum's back because if they come around to her house (and arrest him or not) as soon as he is alone with her again I believe she will be hugely at risk.

Thank you again for all your advice, I will update again after my CPN appointment.

Kassy

Reply 10

User1214833

16

Hi Kassy. It sounds like your mum is in a horrible situation. Maybe you could just talk to the police and ask for advice - they don't necessarily have to do anything. Other people have given you good advice. I really hope she leaves him soon.

Reply 11

zedeneye1

18

Original post by Kasemah

Hi everyone,

I really appreciate the time people have taken to offer me advice and links. I have looked through all of them and it has helped me to feel much calmer about the situation. I think I was very angry and afraid which wasn't helping.

Just to update: Mum rang me on Saturday evening very upset and frustrated. She told me that she felt 'lost' and 'stuck'. The stress is causing her to lose focus at work and her colleagues have begun to talk about her. She won't talk to the police and has begged me not to call them. My CPN is back today and I am due to see her this afternoon, so I will speak to her and see what she says, since she has a huge amount of background information that I have not been able to include here, but my thought is that I will log the dates and details of the events my brother, mum or I notice. I've asked my brother to set a sound recorder going to capture a few of their arguments for evidence.

I am reluctant to phone the police behind mum's back because if they come around to her house (and arrest him or not) as soon as he is alone with her again I believe she will be hugely at risk.

Thank you again for all your advice, I will update again after my CPN appointment.

Kassy

what is the legal status of this "partner" ? A boyfriend ? A husband ?

Does he own the house your brother and mother live in ?

Reply 12

Kasemah

OP

1

Original post by zedeneye1

what is the legal status of this "partner" ? A boyfriend ? A husband ?

Does he own the house your brother and mother live in ?

Hi,

He is a 'boyfriend', he has very little financial control over mum apart from her mobile and a few items of furniture, TV, technology. Mum moved house recently when she inherited some money, and was sensible not to put his name on the mortgage. So she is currently in a much better position to leave him now than she was a few months ago.

In my CPN appointment we decided that she would contact the police to arrange a meeting for advice. I am going to print out my post here and take it with me. She seemed confident that they wouldn't compromise her safety and that they are used to dealing with situations where it can get more complicated once the police are involved.

I feel very sick with nerves about the whole situation, but I think it's going in the right direction.

Kassy

Reply 13

zedeneye1

18

Original post by Kasemah

Hi,

He is a 'boyfriend', he has very little financial control over mum apart from her mobile and a few items of furniture, TV, technology. Mum moved house recently when she inherited some money, and was sensible not to put his name on the mortgage. So she is currently in a much better position to leave him now than she was a few months ago.

In my CPN appointment we decided that she would contact the police to arrange a meeting for advice. I am going to print out my post here and take it with me. She seemed confident that they wouldn't compromise her safety and that they are used to dealing with situations where it can get more complicated once the police are involved.

I feel very sick with nerves about the whole situation, but I think it's going in the right direction.

Kassy

first you need to get this guy removed from the house. your mum legally owns the house, so that shouldn't be a problem. then you need to press charges against that guy for abuse. after you convince your mother, that is.

btw, does this guy support you guys financially ?

Reply 14

Kasemah

OP

1

Original post by zedeneye1

first you need to get this guy removed from the house. your mum legally owns the house, so that shouldn't be a problem. then you need to press charges against that guy for abuse. after you convince your mother, that is.

btw, does this guy support you guys financially ?

Yes I definitely agree that is what has to happen. His son told me that he has been married and divorced 6 times, and has left a trail of chaos. His son's mother turned to drugs and alcohol to cope.

He does not support us at all. In fact out of spite he made a fuss about giving out any financial information to SFE when I applied for my student loan, causing time, stress and anxiety. His wages go on computer games, horses, online gambling and gadgets from amazon. He has complete emotional control over my mum. I think she feels like she has to stick around so that she can somehow change him. She doesn't want to deal with the problem and keeps on pushing it aside.

She deserves someone who will make her feel special.

Reply 15

zedeneye1

18

Original post by Kasemah

Yes I definitely agree that is what has to happen. His son told me that he has been married and divorced 6 times, and has left a trail of chaos. His son's mother turned to drugs and alcohol to cope.

He does not support us at all. In fact out of spite he made a fuss about giving out any financial information to SFE when I applied for my student loan, causing time, stress and anxiety. His wages go on computer games, horses, online gambling and gadgets from amazon. He has complete emotional control over my mum. I think she feels like she has to stick around so that she can somehow change him. She doesn't want to deal with the problem and keeps on pushing it aside.

She deserves someone who will make her feel special.

So, let me get this straight,

there's a guy who lives in a house he doesn't own. he pays no rent or anything at all and then abuses the owner and owners family.

who the hell is this guy ? throw this ****ing piece of **** out. Don't feel sympathy if he's disabled or what ever. He did that to himself, you don't have to take care of it.

Or maybe there's something your mother doesn't want you to know etc...Or she's just "in love" with him...

and also, he owns horses ?

Reply 16

Andy98

20

My dad was abusive, as soon as I was strong enough I kicked his sorry ass to the kerb.

Reply 17

Kasemah

OP

1

Original post by zedeneye1

So, let me get this straight,

there's a guy who lives in a house he doesn't own. he pays no rent or anything at all and then abuses the owner and owners family.

who the hell is this guy ? throw this ****ing piece of **** out. Don't feel sympathy if he's disabled or what ever. He did that to himself, you don't have to take care of it.

Or maybe there's something your mother doesn't want you to know etc...Or she's just "in love" with him...

and also, he owns horses ?

Oh no, he doesn't own horses, he puts money on them when they race.

I know how illogical it is, because I too am looking at it from a distance, and it makes no sense that she would choose him out of all people. But I cannot go round and get rid of him for her. She has to do it, and she's so scared to that she doesn't even acknowledge it. He's got her under his thumb emotionally. It is incredibly frustrating that she cannot let him go.

She is not hiding things or fabricating things, we have witnessed him slowly work his way into her life to the point she now feels dependent on him when logically she isn't.

Andy98:
I am sorry to hear you had to deal with that. I am glad you found the courage. :smile:

Kassy

Reply 18

Andy98

20