Had some real messed up dreams last night. It felt like I was aware of myself being in the dream, so my consciousness was in the dream, and that I was being taunted because I knew that it was a perfect reality that could not possibly be real. In a way, it was a nightmare, my own subconscious teasing me with the alternative life that could have happened. The subconscious can be a scary thing.
I was back in university halls, the last time I was ever mentally 'taken away' with a girl. A few years ago now. She lived in the same apartment as my sister and that is how we met. It was a very nice time in my life, we all got together on every Sunday and I was good friends with this girl. So the dream flashes between us walking together in stations, buying sweets and the like, when we were happy. And when I was with her in her room wasting days away watching films when were meant to be studying for exams (we were both Law students, she was a first year lol). In real life, my sister was not happy with this relationship we had seemed to develop apart from everyone else, and there was a lot of anger from her that I could apparently "not help myself" and that I was a "pervert". But in fact, like in the dream, I was very happy. The most genuinely happy I have been in years even though with this girl (uniquely) I did not have sex with, I had become so happy in our friendship/relationship/whatever that I was just content you know in putting her up on some pedestal in my mind. So, whilst I felt so very good to go back 'there' in my dream, I was so ****ing consciously disappointed while I was dreaming you know. The lack of the very actions that meant that I am usually so detached from women and come off well, made me feel very polarised feelings, both extreme happiness and sadness. So because of my sister's constant stirring and my own happiness in never telling her how I felt... my dream turned into a nightmare. Then it ended when I nervously walked up to the finally left some old belongings at the door that belonged to her, she opened the door at took the belongings, she shut the door, I never spoke to her or saw her again. She found herself a nice, good, safe, boyfriend, I went from one meaningless **** to the next in a repeat pattern from my previous exes. Except, this was unique to me since we were never really together. Hence the futility of it all really, I was so happy but it was so brief like the dream. I just had to relive all of that just an hour ago, hence it is so fresh in my mind.
The subconscious is a nasty **** at times. This episode of my life had been buried deep down there for years now, a bit of a random event when many in my life could have been picked.
Cliffs: Consciousness inside a dream from the subconscious, i.e. my nightmare.