TSR Catholic Society

I kinda need prayers guys. Having a hard time this week. When I was 11 my mum took me to the UK after a huge argument with my gran. I was a confused child who did not speak English living with people I barely knew (grew up away from parents) so I cried lots. Mum and step dad did not like it and were abusive for two months. Then they got fed up of me and bundled me in a plane home (where I had an accident resulting in third degree burns in my leg). That was 12 years ago this week. Then the following year (11 years ago today) I was blackmailed into coming back to the UK. It was the saddest day of my life and it didn't help it's a week before my birthday.

My heart breaks every time I think of that 11/12 year old and this year has been particularly hard. I hope none of you guys mind I posted it here but I needed to let it out. Pls keep me in your prayers that I'll be able to move on soon.

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Trust Aula to hand out cookies when I am not around to have one

#TLGProblems

Can you pinpoint what you are unsure about/what makes you unsure?

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Yeah, no problem. I was practicing for about 13 years, until I realised I was gay and that's basically when I kind of started doubting. I'm pretty clear with the Catholic church's stance on being gay - remain celibate, devote your life to God. And I totally get that regarding their opinions on having children and being in relationships. But idk if I want to give up having a partner, having something that could make me exceptionally happy, if I'm an otherwise devoted Catholic. I don't understand why any God would want me to refrain from something that doesn't hurt anyone and makes me happy.

Also. Around the same time, I went through a rough patch where I was a major depressive. At that time, I was a teenager going through school. I still was practicing and prayed, I thanked God and asked for help. But all I got was 2 of the worst years of my entire life. I've never felt more dark and depressed before, like there was no way out, and if God was there, why wouldn't he have done anything? I can't get on with that "pain makes you stronger" stuff. Because I was a child. Children are not meant to experience the things I went through.

Sorry for the huge wall of text. I just dumped a whole load of stuff on you you probably won't even be able to answer. Guess it just felt good to vent.

x

Thanks for listening and replying It was, honestly, it was literally exhausting. I'm getting there - I'm definitely out of that dark place I was in, but I still have little wobbles.

I see! Looks like I landed in the right place then Really sorry to hear about that, I wouldn't wish any mental illness on my worst enemy.

It totally is a huge ask. I understand the Catholic church's stance on remaining celibate, even for hetero couples, but honestly it just frustrates me. It seems like such a backwards attitude to have, and it makes me consider "converting" to some kind of liberal Christianity. I have read about not taking communion thing, however it's the fact that those who don't take communion don't take it because they're deemed to be "notorious sinners"...I despise the idea that something I cannot change/help is deemed to be a notorious sin.

I think that's a good attitude to have regarding it. Because then you'd be able to discuss it with your partner and work out your feelings on it. Perhaps I should take on that school of thought, honestly, I worry about everything.

I don't mind hearing your argument for it! I understand people's feelings about the suffering making you stronger thing, but it's just the fact that during that period of time, I was a child, and couldn't make contact with God. I've never felt blocked out like that before. I can't see any good God forcing that onto a child, you know what I mean? Sorry I'm dumping a lot of heavy stuff onto you that you likely won't be able to answer...

I know exactly what you mean about the separation from God. It's just a really horrific place to be in, away from someone and something you've known your entire life. But I'm glad that when you were at your worst, you found him.

I haven't, no, but I'm starting to think it's maybe a good idea. I haven't been to Mass outside of school in years, and the idea of going seems very...odd? My family are Catholic but it's not like we go to Mass every Sunday, so.

*Hugs back* Thank you so much for listening to me, love, honestly, it just makes you feel so alone sometimes.

Glad to hear you are a bit better, though sorry you still have wobbles. I guess that is inevitable. I think depression is quite similar to anorexia in the sense that there's always the danger of/vulnerability towards a relapse

I'm not saying or suggesting you should go back to Mass, btw. You can ring up a priest's parish secretary and ask for a private appointment with the priest in his home. (You may not even have to say what it's about - I guess different places ask different things.) I have a phobia of churches and they trigger my psychosis, so I very rarely go to Mass. But when I can, I *do* go and chat with a priest attached to my secondary school, Fr S. I chose him over my parish priest because I knew from my secondary school days that Fr S would be kind and compassionate, even if he said the wrong thing or had nothing to say. I am particularly blessed because it so happens that as well as having a schizophrenic brother-in-law (he came to our Church via the Anglican church, so has a wife, three kids and foster kids), he was a mental health social worker before he joined the Anglican church as a priest there. So he knows all about psychosis and depression and thus knows how to help me.

Most people won't be lucky enough to find a priest with such experience of mental health. But if you have a priest in your area (not necessarily your parish) who you know to be kind and/or good at explaining things, you could go and have a chat with him and explain how you are feeling. Priests are far more knowledgeable than lay people, so the priest you choose might be able to help you in some way with your journey of exploring your faith.

I've never heard the notorious sinner thing, personally. Lots of people don't take communion for the simple reason that they haven't been to confession (coz we're not supposed to receive communion unless we've been to confession anyway!). Some of those people may be notorious sinners and yes you will always have the church gossips thinking "X didn't go for communion, I wonder why?" But not taking communion really isn't a big deal. Though I know what you mean, it's a very hard stance from the Church and I hate the idea of not being able to take communion just because I may eventually end up in a so-called "active gay relationship". I should point out that the Church is very clear that being gay is not a sin, just acting on it is. I know that still sucks and is somewhat unfair in some senses, but any Catholic who condemns you just for being gay clearly hasn't read their Catechism!

With regards to your depression, it depends on how you view it. I personally don't think God causes mental illness, and I don't think the Church teaches He does either. Mental illness happens either due to biological disposition (which I guess you COULD claim is God's fault, depending on how you view the creation story, yada yada) or due to sins of others, like sexual assault, rape, bullying, long-term stress caused by others, etc. I know that in my case, it's probably a combination of a slight biological disposition but mainly the sins of others and things other people have put me through, that have caused so much stress that it broke me and my brain irreparably I do not blame God for my illness in the slightest. I do often wonder why He won't alleviate it, but I don't think He caused it

You are always welcome to PM me btw, if it would help to chat Stay strong! And do explore the more liberal denominations of Christianity if you feel that might suit you better. I personally cannot leave Catholicism for another denomination because I would always feel I was missing out, due to other churches not having the same reverence for the Blessed Virgin Mary, and the lack of intercession of the saints. No other church or denomination has St Therese of Lisieux, so I'm sticking with the Catholic faith, whether people like it or not But everyone is different and you have to do what's best for you

Thank you, hope you're doing better as well Yes, definitely - others may disagree, but I personally think after experiencing depression, you're never quite rid of it forever.

Ohh, okay - that kind of rings a bell actually, from when I was younger, my fam visited a priest a few times. I'm really sorry to hear about your church-phobia, that must suck a whole lot, but really glad to hear you can still talk to your priest! He sounds amazing by the way, it's fantastic that you have a support like that in your life. I'm not sure if any of the priests my way are like that, but I guess it'll be a learning experience. They are kind, the ones I've dealt with, but I'm not sure if I'll feel comfortable (anxiety is a hell of a barrier between new experiences). There's a chaplain at our school who's pretty laidback and I've spoken to him a couple of times, when I was completely opposed to all religion, but I'm not sure again if I'd feel so comfortable discussing it with him. Gosh I sound like I'm making excuses for everything but it's literally so difficult if you've ever dealt with it before?

I've never heard the notorious sinner thing from anyone in person, just on
the Internet. Protip: don't look for Catholic support online. This is the first
place I've been to where I've felt as though I can actually talk about this.
. Spot on about the Catechism!

I don't think God causes mental illness either, but I agree with you on wondering why he won't alleviate it...it just feels as though I'm talking to a brick wall. I don't think anyone ever deserves to feel that way, for any reason.

Thank you!! I think I will have to take you up on that at some point - don't want to be clogging up the thread I understand your feelings on not being able to leave for another denomination! I kinda feel the same way - Catholicsm is the way I've been brought up, it's the only religion I "know" how to practice. I think it might feel weird to not pray to certain saints, not attend Mass, not confess (another thing that makes me incredibly anxious...), etc. Thanks a lot again, you're literally the best

Doesn't sound like you're making excuses at all about going to see a priest - it's hugely daunting. I think I was first given Fr S's mobile number (from a friend of my sister's who rang him up and got it off him especially!) in late 2010/very early 2011, but it took me literally months to psyche myself up to text him. In the end, I ended up texting him whilst having a flare up of psychosis, by which point I'd lost my inhibitions about phoning/texting him And I have encountered some nasty priests along my way to finding Fr S. I've had three priests in my parish during my lifetime and the second one was absolutely awful to me when I tried to talk to him about my psychosis

Oh gosh, I hear you about Catholic support online. Catholic forums tend to attract, um, "special" types of Catholicism shall we say? They def tend to make one's anxiety worse. I wonder whether we're talking about the same Catholic forum(s)? You can tell me which one it was when you PM me And do PM me, always happy to chat to anyone whom I might be able to help in some small way. I have the memory of a goldfish for details so you might have to sometimes repeat yourself, but other than that, tiz all good, PMing

Don't worry about clogging up the thread though, it's good to have activity on here (we're a quiet bunch) and it's good for other Catholics who may be lurking and having similar doubts and issues, to know that they're not alone. You've been very brave in posting all this

I'm glad I'm not the only one who feels that way! I'm terrible with talking to most new people - never mind clergy. It's really good that you're so "close" with your priest, and totally get the losing your inhibitions thing! I've never experienced psychosis but I've gone through hysteric episodes before where I do things I'd never do, including calling up people I otherwise would not have had the nerves to have called. That's so horrible, I'm really sorry about that It makes you wonder how they can call themselves God's workers.. I've had some rough encounters with them before myself, there used to be one at my church who really put me off. I thought I was the only one, but I was speaking to people who used to go to my primary school, and it turned out a lot of them changed parish because he put them off, and I spoke to my nanna today and she said her and my mom felt the same way!

Hahaha yes exactly that's one way of wording it! I've generally had a terrible experience speaking about religion online, no matter what faith...they don't care to discuss your issues with you, just want you to repent straight away or convert to their religion... I will def. PM you soon then, I think I'll need it - planning to chat to my Church of England friend later and ask her a few questions.

That's good to hear! I get put off by bigger threads/groups, I don't want to "barge in" at the wrong time or look silly Thank you!! Honestly I was really worried about posting, but feel much better for having done so now.

snip

I'm not sure I can do any Holy Week services, or confession this year. So ill

If I can manage the energy for one, which should I prioritise: Good Friday service or confession on Good Friday? Think both might be the end of me (semi-literally)

x

x

Sorry, I thought I'd replied to this! Weird. I am really glad that you have Fr S, he sounds really awesome And yeah, that same priest was there for aaages, annoyingly:/

And that's good to hear!! I've been thinking more about it today and was researching more about CofE but I've really got no clue what I'm thinking about it. I suppose it'll work itself out eventually...

How are you doing anyway?

Ah no worries hun, I do that to people all the time (presume I've replied and then realise I haven't)

It will def work itself out eventually. It might take a lot of time praying and reflecting and learning and reading, but you'll get there And like I said, you are always welcome to post in here and/or to PM me.

I'm not too well atm I'm afraid - psychosis playing up big time. Gonna have to skip all the Holy Week services at this rate

I'm terrible for it, honestly! People tend to think I've dropped off the face of the earth or that I'm ignoring them because..I just..forget

I think I will too. I definitely think it's going to be a long process of all you mentioned, and even refamiliarising myself after being away from it for so long. But it'll definitely be worth it. Thank you <3

Oh I'm so sorry Do you want to talk about it? No pressure - I know it often makes me worse being pressured to talk about my depression. You'll be in my thoughts, anyway.

Been reading up on the Church's teachings on sexual morality, just as a
refresher. Now feeling incredibly bad for having feelings that I guess could be deemed lustful/sinful.

V glad I don't seem like a noob face

Thanks for the clear up! I wasn't aware of the receiving once a year thing. I need to read more, obviously..

On the whole topic of the calling thing, I get what you mean. It's just, through my life I've always been religious but never felt as though it was something I was meant to do career-wise. But then again, my nanna was going to become a sister but then she met my grandpa.

I will definitely give that a look now! Thanks a lot