Ugh. Was meant to go to an activity this morning and after not sleeping most of last night I slept in and missed it.
It is taking me so long to rebuild my confidence after my last big episode. I don't remember it being like this before.
I thought getting back to work was the answer but I am realising it isn't. I am in a new city and need to go out and make friends but I am struggling to find the drive and confidence.
I also have totally lost my bottle with women. I don't want to be alone but at the same time I just feel inferior and I also really don't like what I see in the mirror these days. In the lost couple of years, the stress of illness has taken its toll and I have lost my hair, lost muscle tone and my face has aged beyond my years. I was never like a male model but I was reasonably good looking but now I look like a skinny bald skaghead. The wierd thing is that at this stage of life, looks aren't the most important thing to me but I guess it bothers me because I know they are still important to most and it just means I feel deficient in every area.
I don't have much banter and am just a stuttering prick, slowly turning into a loner and a wierd bachelor boy.